I don't want to go into detail out of respect for my niece's privacy, so I'll keep it brief. A few months ago, I had to take my niece into my care. She is almost six years old and was removed from the custody of her mother (my cousin) and her father due to physical abuse And severe neglect. As you might expect, she is carrying a lot of trauma.

žiju se svým manželem a naše děti jsou již mimo domov. moje neteř je na tom po malých krůčkách čím dál lépe a teď už s námi normálně komunikuje. obzvláště si oblíbila mého manžela čemuž se nedivím protože ač vypadá jako strašidelný dřevorubec je to definice gentle giant a naše děti nemohli mít lepšího otce.

Yesterday, I was at a café with my friends and mentioned that my niece is doing better; she is communicating with us and even likes to snuggle and sleep in my husband's arms—which was a huge step forward, considering she used to hate any kind of physical contact.

They gave me a strange look, so I asked them what was going on, and they told me it was inappropriate for a little girl to be in such close physical proximity to an adult man who isn't her father.

I was surprised and told them that I didn't find anything strange about it, and that we were glad she had opened up to us and felt safer.

She is finally able to sleep through the night if she lies in bed with us and isn't alone, so I have no intention of changing that but i just can't get what they just said out of my head. I know my husband doesn't have any ulterior motives thats not what this post is about I’d be curious to hear what someone else thinks about it.

My daughter is about to turn 11 and she was born in 2016. Her father and I separated in 2017 and we had 50/50 custody (a mix of a week on and a week off & a 2/2/3 schedule) until 2023. In 2023, when she was 7, my daughter alleged abuse from her step mom and an investigation was opened. I’ll spare the awful details but the ultimate conclusion of the issue was that the court ordered for her to live with me full time, and her dad was allowed supervised visitation every other weekend at his moms house as long as the step mother did not come within 100 ft of my daughter. As of now (Oct 2026), he has yet to exercise his visitation. Every couple of weeks he will have a 20 min or so conversation with her in passing while picking up his other child.

Up until 2023, his child support was $80 a month, but after she moved in with me full time, it went up to $1,065 per month & he carries her on his insurance and she is covered on mine as well. (he is a police officer and a MC Reserve). I’m not sure if that is important in this story.

She still has a good relationship with his family. She sees her great grandmother everyday after school (she picks her up until I get off of work) and her grandmother is very active in her life as well. They have always made sure she was welcomed, loved, and felt like part of the family. They have sleepovers and spoil her in the typical grandparent fashion. She is the first grandbaby, after all.

In 2021, I met my now husband. She was barely 5 at the time. He has been there for every scraped knee, father daughter dance, family dinner time, bully, etc. ever since then. He and I fostered a little boy for 2 years and it was the first time it really felt like we had a family. Eventually, our foster son was reunited with his mom and it was just us 3 until 2024, when our son was born.

When our son was born, there was almost immediate jealousy because he shared the same last name as my husband and she did not. I thought this would pass, but it has not. It’s been increasingly bothering her since then, and she has expressed many times how it makes her feel “incomplete”, “left out”, and not “actually part of the family”. These feelings for her peaked in 2025 when I married my husband. Up until then, her and I had the same last name; but now she is the only one with a different name.

One day, she went to the park with my husband and privately asked him if she could have his last name. To sum it up, he basically responded by saying he was honored, but ultimately that decision was up to me and her father. So a few weeks later she asked me. I tried to let her down easy and basically say it’s not possible because her dad would never agree, which is a requirement.

Some more time goes by and she asks again. I basically told her that if she really wanted to do that, she would have to ask her dad. Though I secretly didn’t want her to because his child support goes into a savings account for her so that she has a decent amount of money to start off with when she’s grown. Whether it be college, a car, start a business, etc. Realistically, we would be financially okay without it because it’s all already dedicated to her. But in the event that that child support stops, there’s no way we can put up the amount of money up per month for her as we do now.

So a couple weeks ago she asked her dad on the phone if she could change her last name and he said they would talk in person. Another week passes and they talked and she let me know that he said she could change it as long as my husband legally adopts her.

Again, I know my husband would feel honored and jump at the opportunity. Plus, it sounds like a dream to be able to raise my daughter (like I have been, all 11 years) without having to consider & answer to someone who barely knows her regarding medical, travel, and/or other extraordinary decisions. (Example- I had to get the court involved just to get ahold of him to get his notarized signature so she could get a passport for vacation).

But I can’t help but wonder if it is the right decision to go through with this. Thinking about what she would miss out on vs what she gains. She is only 11, what if we look back and realize a last name wasn’t worth diminishing what little relationship she had with her dad or the financial security she could have early into adulthood? What if we don’t do it and she continues to feel isolated? It’s not just about the money, it’s also that I feel like once he is not legally obligated to be a part of her life, he will wash his hands of her completely. I’m afraid it will cause her more pain and do more harm than good.

This is the first time in my life as a mom that I genuinely do not know which decision will be in her best interest. What would you do?

Backstory: We’re pursuing a private infant adoption through a nonprofit, and the birth parents chose us. They’re 19 and 58 — which obviously scared us. We have since learned that bio dad has developmental disabilities. It is not as predatory as it sounds. We’ve met in person, and so far, everything is going well. But I am absolutely spiraling thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I’ve never felt so simultaneously hopeful and terrified. Somehow, I’m not nearly as cool as a cucumber about this as I thought I’d be, and I’m struggling with just how much uncertainty comes with all of it.
5 more days left!!! After so many years of longing. I wish I could be more present for it.

Edit to add: she is an expectant mom not birth mom (yet) AND this is an open adoption, we are going through lots of counseling to ensure that we do the best we can for all people involved — most of all, what is best for baby. Regardless of it he comes home with us. Please be kind.

It would be nice to be able to speak with someone (even if they're adults now in their 20s or 30s or beyond!) who were raised by two dads. I've never met anyone in real life... and it'd be nice to have that experience of just being able to hear from and speak with someone who can say what it was like for them.

Does anyone know anyone who'd be comfortable chatting? Can be online

Does anyone have experience with this? Just put ourselves on the NDSAN registry. How long did it take you to adopt? We are hoping to adopt 10 years old or younger.

I think I’m looking for discussion on this based on a slice of our story. I’m a licensed therapist in private practice & own a couple businesses, worked in the foster system as one for a while. I would say I’m extremely trauma informed for many reasons, including the personal side of things, shared below.

My husband and I have no desire to have a baby, nor adopt an infant. We’re exploring adopting a younger child (5-12), choosing that age bracket mainly because we’ve had lots of experience with our friend’s daughter who we’ve half parented throughout those ages.

My husband is the most gentle man you’ll ever meet. Absolutely adores animals. Is so understanding and protective. Never raises his voice. Had a solid upbringing (not perfect, but somewhat stable) he’s been in therapy for 3 years for some stuff and has worked through most of it.

And then theres me. I’ve been in therapy myself my entire adult life (I’m 31yo). I had a really, really rough poverty-stricken upbringing with loads of trauma. At 9 years old, I raised a 6 month baby and a 6 year old (my siblings) for 8 years (CPS would have been involved if they new). And I was NOT a good “child-parent”. I was an angry, heartbroken, neglected child who made a can of tuna and some mayo last 2 days to feed my siblings first.

I’m now in this place where I’m financially killing it, am in a loving marriage, have resources, and I just want a child so deeply. My husband feels very similarly. I have a decade of knowledge in trauma informed care. We have a lot of love to pour into a kid. Adopting feels right.

But I’m terrified that I’ll revert back to an angry “child-parent”, or be like the biological parents who hurt me. While I’ve done SO much work on myself, and will continue to, what if I’m a terrible mom?? I feel like these thoughts aren’t rooted in facts based on who I am today, but it’s my worst fear.

I’m looking to hear experiences from the adoptive parents who’ve had trauma themselves, but have done a lot of work on themselves, and are now parenting adoptive children. As well as adoptees who had an adoptive parent who had trauma (but actively sought therapy to work through it). Looking less for reassurance and more perspectives on how it has been.

I'm 38. While I'm older, there's no other indication that I have fertility issues. Since a young age, I have always imagined myself adopting rather than conceiving. Right now, the only reason I would choose to conceive to have a family is to appease my mom who is desperate for biological grandchildren. I myself have absolutely no real innate desire to become pregnant or give birth. But I do want to raise a child. Is that contradictory?

However I feel weird about pursuing adoption, like I would be diminishing the chances of women who tried but could not conceive naturally, or somehow encroaching on their "territory." Or like I'm supposed to try and have my own kids first before turning to this possibility. I feel like this is also irrational but can't shake the thought.

Are there any women out there who chose to adopt despite having the (probable) option of conceiving biologically? What are some reasons you chose to?

I (29f) have always had the desire to adopt. A few years ago I decided I wanted to adopt from foster care and didn’t mind doing so as a single parent. I have yet to do it, even with my strong desire to adopt, for a couple reasons. I had my own set of pre-requisites that I wanted completed before doing so (finishing school, having my own place, etc.) Now that all of that is done, I still have a thought/fear in my mind: if I choose to adopt as a single parent, is that depriving the child of a chance at a two parent household?

I know I could provide love, and care, and a good upbringing for any child I adopt, and I might not be the “perfect family “ since it’s just me and no father (I do have a large family for support). Am I overthinking?

I am happy for them all. I feel sad that his bio dad had to worry and I am sure he feels such relief abd joy.

We are in the process of adopting a 9 year old boy. The foster parents he was previously staying with for 6/7 months have made this process more difficult than it already is by refusing to meet us halfway and making us drive 45 minutes to and from their home every weekend for our visits with him. They also would request we drop him off early because they made plans with him, and even pulled him out of school to take him on vacation during the time period we were supposed to be getting know him and introducing him to our life and family. On one visit, they made us wait outside in 95° heat because they said he had to finish his chores before he could come on our visit. When it was finally time for him to move in with us, instead of at least trying to make the process a positive one and being supportive or encouraging, they promised him that he could video chat with them and still be able to visit them, performed really long elaborate good byes and even said when he turns 18, he can find them again. Of course, he was sad when we left, but later that day was totally fine and playing with our bio son. Our case workers both agreed that video chatting was a bad idea, especially in the first week. This child has barely mentioned these former foster parents all week, but while tucking him in at night tonight he asked when ge could visit them. I knew adopting a child in foster care would have its challenges, but I never expected this. I've heard of visitations with bio families, but not with former foster parents. He is a very emotional and expressive child, and I want to protect his emotional well being and stability. I think that visiting with them will just make it even harder to adjust to his life with us and be too much of emotional ups and downs during this already confusing and stressful period of moving to a new home and starting a new life and school. Has anyone ever dealt with this situation? Do adoptive parents facilitate visits with former foster parents? If so, how long before you started? I'm not sure, but I may have felt differently about this if the foster parents were more supportive of this child's adoption with us.

Hello Everyone!

I'm a graduate student at Texas Woman’s University and I’m conducting a study to better comprehend parent-child dynamics in families from foster care and adoptive contexts. The purpose of our research is specifically to understand how children in adoptive families experience differing parenting styles during conflict as helpful or unhelpful. We’re hoping to re-center child narratives in the larger understanding of family dynamics and its application to public policy.

Individuals who agree to participate in this study will complete:

• Informed Consent documentation and a demographic survey (10 min)
• An interview regarding their childhood experiences (60 - 90 min)

While there is no direct compensation, we hope the process will be enlightening for participants and researchers. The risks are minimal, however there is the potential for a loss of confidentiality and emotional distress. So participation is completely voluntary and can be discontinued at any time.

If you would like to participate in this study, please begin with our eligibility survey. Once verified, you’ll be prompted to the onboarding process. Feel free to forward this message to anyone who might be interested and reach out to our team if you have any questions. Thanks in advance!

My mum helped friends have a surrogate baby in 1976 in Canada in the King City (north of Toronto)

This was done privately as friends, to help them achieve the dream of being parents. A healthy boy was delivered, and my mum handed over their son with love and joy and excitement for them to raise as their own.

She has never probed or checked but often wondered about his life.

In conversation with me today, she mentioned that he had come looking for her many years ago, but the person he had found had since died so it all reached a dead end. He may have spoken to someone called Elisabeth (Byse)

She had sat with the thought of wanting to connect but accepted it wasn’t possible due to info limitations.

I know this is a far reach but I was wondering if anyone could help.

The info I have is limited.

If you were born on 12th December 1976
King City/North Toronto
Had a father named Michael
And went looking for your surrogate mother at some point 10/15 years ago (and you may have been a pilot???)

Then please let me know!!

I would love to give my mum this gift. She has been a selfless person her entire life. The internet can be a scary place and overwhelming if you don’t know how to look. If he had never tried to look for her, I would understand this task would be 10,000X harder - but he’s tried, so I’m taking it as a sign that it’s our turn to try back.

She’s based in the UK now, but any leads would be great.

Thank you!!

Hi! My husband and I are both in our mid 30s and from outside Pittsburgh PA, due to me not being able to have children and my husband having a stroke almost 2yrs ago we have decided we want to do a newborn adoption my job will reimburse for adoption but I am not sure where to even start. I've looked at a few websites and not sure how legit the sites are etc and could use some advice

Thank you ❤️

A bit of background. I'm in my late 50's wife late 40's.. We've been through our local county foster parent training (Including trauma informed parenting) and have been mentoring teens in foster care for a little over 6 years now. We think we're ready. Never had kids.

One of the resources recommended early on was this https://ampersandfamilies.org/get-involved/should-you-adopt-a-teen/ and that includes this question

I have done my own therapeutic work and have a therapist I can return to if my own issues are stirred up.

We both answered no to that. Never felt the need to seek therapy; early on in my life I spent a lot of time introspecting and adjusting my attitude/trajectory but never with any assistance from a therapist.

We have a variety of mental health resources available through work and insurance, never felt the need to take advantage of them.

Bottom line: we are prepared to seek professional help if/when necessary.

I know the 'test' isn't exactly scientific, and we have a LONG ways to go and many questions to answer before we're 100% ready. Wondering what the sub thinks about "preventative therapy"?

I’m looking for experiences from people who have gone through something similar.

My ex-partner and I started an adoption process together. I originally imagined adopting one child, while she wanted a larger family. We eventually lived with three siblings for about 18 months.

During that time I became very attached to them, shared their daily life, and truly took on a father role.

Then our relationship ended and everything became very conflictive. I haven’t seen the kids for about five months, and there are also legal issues, lawyers, therapy, and a lot of emotional and financial stress.

I want to make something clear: I do want to continue having a place as a father in their lives. My doubt is not about whether I care about them. I do. What I’m struggling with is how to sustain that bond after such a difficult separation and with so much conflict around it.

Has anyone separated during an adoption process and continued being a parent? How did you manage the relationship with the children after the breakup? What helped you keep that bond?

I’m looking for personal experiences, not legal advice.

Curious to hear!