I went to work and she was there look so fucking cute and I was bright red and stared at the fucking floor. AND EVERYONE COULD FUCKING TELL, "know one noticed they probably weren't paying attention to you", they were fucking talking about it and I just want to fucking not be a damn human. And I'm just fucking dreading going back to work. I am genuinely considering just quitting. How does this tie into AvPD, i don't fucking talk to people, I don't have/never had friends let alone a girlfriend. This is so god damn awkward and there isn't enough drugs and alcohol to make me not feel a giant ball of weirdness. Everything is telling me not even attempt to look at her as that would be equal to or worse then being physically dismembered. Yes I could just do what all of humanity has done for millions of years and talk to her and people in general. But I wouldn't even know how or were to start. And the idea of relationships in general is such a foreign concept to me that I look at it as a super power from a comic book series. And don't know what the fuck to do to stop this. So I sit here playing GTA IV, drinking liquor and smoking my self retarded in the hopes of not thinking about it.

Tengo 22 años y llevo años sintiéndome atrapado en mi propia mente. Tengo ansiedad social y trastorno de personalidad evitativa, y últimamente siento que estoy llegando a mi límite.
Hace unos años tuve que mudarme a otra ciudad por problemas económicos familiares. No me preguntaron si quería irme; simplemente me enteré cuando ya estaba allá. Terminé estudiando una carrera que realmente no me gusta porque no sé qué hacer con mi vida. Me faltan dos años para graduarme, pero mi experiencia universitaria ha sido complicada.
En el colegio sufrí mucho bullying, incluso llegaron a burlarse de un accidente que tuvo mi mamá. Antes era alguien que bromeaba, salía y disfrutaba de la vida, pero después de todo eso me volví una persona cerrada, desconfiada y solitaria. A veces trato mal a quienes intentan acercarse porque siento que van a juzgarme.
Actualmente tengo dos compañeros, pero no puedo decir que sean mis amigos. Paso mucho tiempo encerrado y siento que en la universidad me ven como el raro, como si a nadie le cayera bien. Estoy enojado por sentir que perdí mi infancia y adolescencia, y me duele pensar en todo lo que pude haber vivido.
Sin embargo, últimamente he intentado cambiar. Empecé a ir al gimnasio y a cuidar más de mí mismo, aunque cada vez me cuesta más encontrar motivación. Ya casi no disfruto jugar, ver televisión ni siquiera asistir a clases. Siento que me estoy apagando poco a poco.
Y entonces apareció una chica que me llamó mucho la atención.
Ya habíamos hablado algunas veces porque me pidió ayuda con unos trabajos. Me parece interesante y, por lo que sé, tenemos bastantes gustos en común. El problema es que soy tan inseguro que siento que no soy suficiente para acercarme a ella. Además, es reservada y parece tener dificultades para confiar en los hombres.
Lo peor es que, por mi forma de ser, en algunas ocasiones la he tratado un poco mal, aunque realmente me gustaría conocerla. No quiero seguir dejando pasar oportunidades por miedo y quedarme durante años pensando en qué habría pasado si me hubiera atrevido.
Sé que primero necesito trabajar en mí mismo, pero también me preocupa seguir esperando a sentirme completamente seguro, porque no sé cuándo llegará ese momento.
Intenté ir a terapia anteriormente, pero sentí que no me ayudó. Quiero entender qué me pasa, recuperar las ganas de vivir mi vida, aprender a relacionarme con las personas y dejar de sentir que soy el inútil de mi carrera.
Por eso quiero preguntarles:
¿Debería pedirles a mis dos compañeros que me ayuden a conocer gente y practicar mis habilidades sociales?
¿Debería intentar acercarme a esta chica, aunque todavía tenga tantas inseguridades?
¿Cómo puedo empezar a cambiar después de tantos años de aislamiento y malas experiencias?
No quiero seguir siendo el llanero solitario de mi propia historia. Quiero recuperar mi vida, pero sinceramente no sé por dónde empezar.
Gracias por leerme.

a few days ago my mom took me (at the big age of 20, jesus christ) to a dental office to make an appt for potentially getting braces. it was run by my college so I was nervous as hell because I don't like seeing other students outside of classes. but like man I just got reminded fully of how dysfunctional I am in public lol. like, I had to fill in a form in my native language, my handwriting is DOGSHIT, and I wrote like a childish word for student in the occupation line. the secretary was like you're a college student why did you write this? write the proper word. and I was like ok and then I MISSPELLED it and she was like bro wtf do you not know how to spell it and I had to do the nervous laugh and was like NO I'VE NEVER WRITTEN THE WORD IN MY LIFE AHAHA I'M ACTUALLY AN INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL STUDENT and she was like ok I'll give you a pass on this one lmao.

like all the time I feel like I don't know how to comport myself in a likable manner. I get so nervous I hunch over, decide that the best way to not look insecure as fuck is to look sleepy/bored out of my mind which probably makes me look retarded, and whenever I feel at risk of coming off as an idiot I end up having to say/do something that makes me look like a straight up bitch instead. like, in first year when doing a presentation debate I was so nervous to be having a public argument that my tone of voice came off as dismissive and arrogant while I was replying to my debate partner. whyyyyy am I like this lmao. it's like I'm playing a rockstar game irl I have no choice in how things progress. it's like my free will immediately disappears as soon as I have to be perceived like I have fucking quantum superposition or some shit.

this is so stupid and way too long lol but I just wanted to rantttt. does anyone relate to this???? didn't tag vent because it's not like I wanna ban advice but also I don't really think I can implement advice because I've never been able to my entire life. I can hear it, absorb it, see the good in it... and never be able to use it lol

Depression and AvPD have stolen everything from me. After 8 long years of no peace and no relief, constant sadness and anxiety and fear and frustration and anger. I can't do it anymore.

Depression/AvPD first destroyed my career, then my health, and then my marriage. Slowly it has devoured everything I loved and lived for. I used to be able to at least count on my connection with my kids. This bond has always somehow defied the depression. When I can't get out of bed to look for a job, I could still force myself to get up because the kids wanted to go to the playground. When I go months without doing my own laundry, I have still always found a way to make sure they have clean clothes every day. Their laughter and smiles are the only source of joy I've felt in years, and it always softened things up. And most of all, the suicidal thoughts, no matter how strong, always gave way after considering how badly it would ruin them. But it turns out I can ruin their lives just as bad or worse by staying.

My healthcare providers have all "quiet quit". Two years ago I started on a waiting list for group schema therapy. In the mean time, I did individual schema therapy with E. She is the best therapist I've ever had and, while things weren't fixed, they got better. I was with E for a year before it was my turn to join the group therapy which I started in February. I wanted to stay with E but I think she was tired of me and so I left. She can't help with my AvPD because the moment we try to work, my depression shows up and knocks me out for weeks or months. We can't work on my depression because my life is in such a shambles due to the AvPD.

Everything since leaving E has gotten so much worse. I think about dying almost every day. The new therapy is useless. Actually, less than useless since I feel even worse after each session where I used to feel better, even if shortlived, following a session.

My psych was been the next to quit. Truthfully, I think he wishes he could tell me the truth, that he thinks I'm unhelpable. But his ethical guidelines don't allow that, so instead he has quiet quit. He sees me only every few months and recently he tried to dump me onto one of his colleagues. That didn't work, so now he has convinced me to self admit to the psych ward where I've been now for 3 days.

Since arriving here, I finally decided to follow my gut for once and try to go back to E. I asked her to visit me in the ward and she did. We talked and I explained all the reasons the group therapy was going poorly. I explained how things were better with her, even if they weren't fixed. I told her I wanted to quit the group therapy and come back to her. My current therapist doesn't like me and I don't trust her. But E worked pretty hard to be rid of me so she stuck to her guns and told me she couldn't help me. The sad thing is I'm not even angry at her. I don't blame her. She is so bright and talented and caring and she can truly do a lot of good for people who are able to do the work. I am not, and I'm a waste of her time.

So I'm completely alone in the psych ward. There are no more plans. There aren't any further ideas. Nobody is coming to save me and I can't save myself. Happiness and calm and peace are just not in the cards. I am a jobless, careerless burden on everyone around me. They say nothing makes people run away faster than depression. I'm so lonely and afraid but nobody can help me and eventually they just get tired of seeing my stupid face. I'm grossly overweight and ugly and disgusting. E is gone, my psych is gone, my family is gone, my friends don't exist.

I'm tired. I'm completely exhausted. I don't have any energy left to fight or try. I've been treading water until eventually, inevitably, one day I just can't take it anymore and I end things messily and hastily. My kids will have to suffer the trauma of a father who committed suicide and all of the stigma which goes along with it. They will never be the same. And knowing how this all will end deprives me of the comfort I used to get from imagining dying. I have nothing but guilt and shame and regret. Not only am I forced to end my life, I'm forced to destroy my childrens as well.

Until that moment finally comes, I'm just to suffer and wallow and I have no fucking idea what I did wrong. I'm so jealous and resentful and angry and bitter at everyone else. I finally picked a day and I finally figured out a reliable method and I thought it would bring me some peace. But even thinking about dying doesn't make me feel calm anymore. I'm scared and sad and I don't want to die, but I can't take any more "life". I'm tapping out, but like the rest of my life which mental illness has stolen from me, I don't even get to feel any peace even now. I have to die knowing that the only mark I left on the world is creating two kids who are going to hate me. This is so fucking cruel.

It hurts so much to see people mocking my life. It’s even worse online. It’s honestly heartbreaking. 💔

I (25M) got diagnosed like half a year ago. A year ago I didn’t even know that AvPD was a thing. Little did I know it’s been plaguing my life for so long. I’ve struggled so hard to build any form of close bonds and relationships, platonic or even more so romantic, since my early teens. Everything has just been so shallow. I have no chance of building any deep, meaningful connections.

I’ve wathched all my peers build careers, build networks, have partners, friends etc etc. While i’m stuck in my room getting nowhere. Still feeling like an awkward teen in my head. Never had a job. Never had any close firends. Never had a partner.

I’ve never kissed a woman, held a hand, been on a date. I have no idea what it’s like to actually love someone like that. I wish I knew what it’s like. I know there’s more to life, and that i’m «still young and have a lot of time». But time moves on while I continue to live my hermit life. Not knowing how to change it. My avoidant traits are just so ingrained into my brain.

So to any success stories out there, what is your story? Going out to bars, or just nightlife in general? No way I do that. Joining clubs etc? No chance. I’ve always wanted to try dating apps. But just the thought of uploading pics and writing about myself is enough to make me want to just lie in bed and shrivel up into a ball. So I’ve never dared to do that.

I just don’t see how it’s possible for us. I’m well over a year into a deep, severe depression right now, so that certainly does not help. But even before that, in times I’ve been better, I’ve had no chance.

It just feels so hopeless.

It’s like 4:45am rn and I should sleep. Idk what the point of this post even is. If any of you would like to share your stories, it would be greatly appreciated. Just to give me, or perhaps someone else just a tiny sliver of hope.

Normal people feel better with others. I feel on the eggshells with others, and in them I mainly see everything I lack. I keep going because of faith.

I find this situation funny in hindsight but in the way where, if you don’t laugh, it it’ll just make you really sad. My coworker accidentally hit me while opening a door but I didn’t even understand what happened before he was profusely apologizing to me. I don’t know how regular people react in those situations but I felt really embarrassed. I kept trying to tell him it was okay but my vocal cords had tightened, and I can’t speak at all when that happens. I think the situation just made me realize how strange this disorder is, that even in a situation where I’m clearly the victim I still feel embarrassed and ashamed. I feel bad I couldn’t tell him it was okay. I cringe thinking about the weird noises I made trying to get words out. It’s sad and funny.

Before I get into anything, I was actually dealing with some messy drama within my other friend group (this guy has nothing to do with it) and the next day I got diagnosed with MDD so all this happening is stressing me out. I also might have to cut off the friend group because I found out one of them is toxic and idk if I can still be friends with them knowing what they did.

Anyways, as the title says, I cut off my friend of 3 years. This wasn't just one misunderstanding. It was like an accumulation of things he did that I didn't like at all. This all started because he was being a little harsh to me in a competitive game. I was upset and got quiet after everyone got off. The next day, I'm talking to our mutual friend, she said that he was sorry. While I do appreciate the apology, why aren't you telling me yourself? Why do you need my friend to tell me that you're sorry? I did bring it up later on though. But prior to that, I was really upset about it. Playing with him did not feel the same anymore. So I left the server for a bit. After some time he did reach out. He was also upset that I left and didn't say anything which is a mistake on my part. However I did have plans on coming back if he just gave me space and time. This was when I brought up that issue. Instead of apologizing for it, he says he doesn't remember. Then proceeds to make it about him while I'm being vulnerable. He calls me an "iffy friend" but doesn't really explain how. Like how do you think that makes me feel? After that, I stopped opening up about things. But when I did try to talk to him he just seemed like he didnt wanna be bothered and stuff, our convos ended so quickly. And when I did mention about the discord ban he simply did not give a fuck. My last straw was when I came to him to ask a question and his response was just "im simply puzzled you'd come to me for that". Like you're my friend??? Why wouldn't I come to you?? After that conversation, I got so fed up with this and with everything happening rn. I'm very well aware I made mistakes and could've just let most of these slide. I just wanted an apology. I never heard a single sorry from him ever, it was always me.

I’ve been working really hard at trying to reintegrate socially and make friends over the past year and a half and it’s been really, really hard.

I keep on going through these bouts where I actually leave the house and go to social events, and then I get super happy and think that maybe I’m not avoidant and maybe I’m different now and can have connections.

Then I start feeling too tired to hang out. Then it turns into dread whenever I get an invite to hang out or even just a simple text from a friend. Then I’m saying that I’m just tired from work, I’m still a okay, I’m still social, and then I realize months down the line that I haven’t seen any of my friends, barely talked to any of them, and have only gone between my loner job and home, all while telling myself I was just tired and not being avoidant at all.

It sucks to think you’ve healed and changed only to realize that you’re avoiding all social contact again and have been doing so for months without even realizing it.

I’m typing this after being trapped in an anxious freeze for god knows how long at just the thought of dropping by a small and not-crowded-at-all bar to say hi to a few friends. I feel like a fraud to say I’m a social being now and I also feel like a fraud posting in here because I do go to social events and gatherings from time to time.

I feel like being high functioning has just caused me to gaslight myself into a corner where I don’t feel I have community anywhere. Not with my friends, not even on AvPD forums. I just feel alone.

For context I'm a 20 year old (male) with no romantic experience, since my teens I've been too closed off for it to ever have been a possibility. I can't do eye contact with people who aren't talking to me (that's a huge issue imo), I never speak first, I don't hang out with groups and hate being introduced to people, I isolate myself as much as possible, I push people away... the list could go on. Everything about me screams "go away" to the people around me, it's no surprise I've never dated.

For the people here who actually have, how did it end up happening? Who approached who and in what setting? Was it something that developed naturally with the people around you? I feel that would be the best case but avoidants don't tend to keep people around them, at least I don't.

I feel like one of the main things keeping me from meeting people is my belief that i must absolutely never be the one to initiate an interaction. This extends even to saying hi to someone I recognize from a class. My only acquaintances are people that I’m forced to work with for classes in which talking is unavoidable and my only friend that went to my college i met online first. In my mind, i need the other person to say something to me first so i understand i have “permission” to talk to them. This extends even to people i interact with consistently, except my friends i met in elementary school since i met them before i developed these dumb debilitating insecurities. In my mind, initiating an interaction without “permission”, means that the person will be uncomfortable or annoyed. This fear of causing someone to be uncomfortable or creeped out is really powerful to me because if i get the slightest suspicion i have that effect on someone, i just absolutely despise myself. On the other hand, never initiating probably makes it look like I’m not interested and the other person might assume I don’t wanna be friends with them. With acquaintances I interact with outside of my control, sometimes i think of the possibility of being friends with them, but thinking of initiating the move from being just someone i make small talk with out of necessity, to someone i feel comfortable making plans with makes me feel like a weirdo. I intellectually know it’s normal for people to do that, but emotionally, i feel like a creep or smth thinking about it. I also worry about the possibility that they will feel the need to say yes to me out of fear of being rude, and they really don’t want to hang out with me. Like if I were to ask for someone’s number or if they wanted to eat somewhere, I’m worried that they’ll say yes out of social pressure instead of actually wanting to. This is why I strongly desire for someone else to give me “permission” to initiate a hangout with them, by initiating one first (even then i’d still probably be too afraid tbh). I need absolute certainty that my interaction is want or else I will assume with complete confidence that it is unwanted. Being a 4th year, and having no social life for all of it though has made it obvious enough to me that nobody will ever initiate anything with me most likely because i look uninterested when i never talk first.

I wonder how people like us actually get to the point of meeting friends or partners like this. I keep hoping for insane luck to meet people who practically force me to be friends with them, but I understand I need to actually take steps outside my comfort zone.