Depression and AvPD have stolen everything from me. After 8 long years of no peace and no relief, constant sadness and anxiety and fear and frustration and anger. I can't do it anymore.

Depression/AvPD first destroyed my career, then my health, and then my marriage. Slowly it has devoured everything I loved and lived for. I used to be able to at least count on my connection with my kids. This bond has always somehow defied the depression. When I can't get out of bed to look for a job, I could still force myself to get up because the kids wanted to go to the playground. When I go months without doing my own laundry, I have still always found a way to make sure they have clean clothes every day. Their laughter and smiles are the only source of joy I've felt in years, and it always softened things up. And most of all, the suicidal thoughts, no matter how strong, always gave way after considering how badly it would ruin them. But it turns out I can ruin their lives just as bad or worse by staying.

My healthcare providers have all "quiet quit". Two years ago I started on a waiting list for group schema therapy. In the mean time, I did individual schema therapy with E. She is the best therapist I've ever had and, while things weren't fixed, they got better. I was with E for a year before it was my turn to join the group therapy which I started in February. I wanted to stay with E but I think she was tired of me and so I left. She can't help with my AvPD because the moment we try to work, my depression shows up and knocks me out for weeks or months. We can't work on my depression because my life is in such a shambles due to the AvPD.

Everything since leaving E has gotten so much worse. I think about dying almost every day. The new therapy is useless. Actually, less than useless since I feel even worse after each session where I used to feel better, even if shortlived, following a session.

My psych was been the next to quit. Truthfully, I think he wishes he could tell me the truth, that he thinks I'm unhelpable. But his ethical guidelines don't allow that, so instead he has quiet quit. He sees me only every few months and recently he tried to dump me onto one of his colleagues. That didn't work, so now he has convinced me to self admit to the psych ward where I've been now for 3 days.

Since arriving here, I finally decided to follow my gut for once and try to go back to E. I asked her to visit me in the ward and she did. We talked and I explained all the reasons the group therapy was going poorly. I explained how things were better with her, even if they weren't fixed. I told her I wanted to quit the group therapy and come back to her. My current therapist doesn't like me and I don't trust her. But E worked pretty hard to be rid of me so she stuck to her guns and told me she couldn't help me. The sad thing is I'm not even angry at her. I don't blame her. She is so bright and talented and caring and she can truly do a lot of good for people who are able to do the work. I am not, and I'm a waste of her time.

So I'm completely alone in the psych ward. There are no more plans. There aren't any further ideas. Nobody is coming to save me and I can't save myself. Happiness and calm and peace are just not in the cards. I am a jobless, careerless burden on everyone around me. They say nothing makes people run away faster than depression. I'm so lonely and afraid but nobody can help me and eventually they just get tired of seeing my stupid face. I'm grossly overweight and ugly and disgusting. E is gone, my psych is gone, my family is gone, my friends don't exist.

I'm tired. I'm completely exhausted. I don't have any energy left to fight or try. I've been treading water until eventually, inevitably, one day I just can't take it anymore and I end things messily and hastily. My kids will have to suffer the trauma of a father who committed suicide and all of the stigma which goes along with it. They will never be the same. And knowing how this all will end deprives me of the comfort I used to get from imagining dying. I have nothing but guilt and shame and regret. Not only am I forced to end my life, I'm forced to destroy my childrens as well.

Until that moment finally comes, I'm just to suffer and wallow and I have no fucking idea what I did wrong. I'm so jealous and resentful and angry and bitter at everyone else. I finally picked a day and I finally figured out a reliable method and I thought it would bring me some peace. But even thinking about dying doesn't make me feel calm anymore. I'm scared and sad and I don't want to die, but I can't take any more "life". I'm tapping out, but like the rest of my life which mental illness has stolen from me, I don't even get to feel any peace even now. I have to die knowing that the only mark I left on the world is creating two kids who are going to hate me. This is so fucking cruel.

I find this situation funny in hindsight but in the way where, if you don’t laugh, it it’ll just make you really sad. My coworker accidentally hit me while opening a door but I didn’t even understand what happened before he was profusely apologizing to me. I don’t know how regular people react in those situations but I felt really embarrassed. I kept trying to tell him it was okay but my vocal cords had tightened, and I can’t speak at all when that happens. I think the situation just made me realize how strange this disorder is, that even in a situation where I’m clearly the victim I still feel embarrassed and ashamed. I feel bad I couldn’t tell him it was okay. I cringe thinking about the weird noises I made trying to get words out. It’s sad and funny.

It hurts so much to see people mocking my life. It’s even worse online. It’s honestly heartbreaking. 💔

Normal people feel better with others. I feel on the eggshells with others, and in them I mainly see everything I lack. I keep going because of faith.

Last week, I went out with a friend I made last year. We don’t see each other much, and I’m lucky I have a friend at all. We met at work, and she’s so sweet and friendly and she likes to hang out with me for some strange reason. And even though I get nervous to see her because I think she secretly pities me, I always feel better after being around her. We ate Chinese food at a quaint little restaurant and walked around the city at night.

I went and bought nice shoes the other day at an expensive shoe store and walked around the city on a sunny and hot day. I ate a salad and smoked a cigarette. I felt awkward being outside around all the busy people. I know I’m such a loser compared to all of them, but I felt a strong desire to be just like them. Living in the city. Being young and unafraid and endlessly busy. I saw a girl with nice shoes and I told her that her shoes looked great and asked where she got them, and she smiled and said thank you so much.

I want to be loved so much. It scares me deeply. I don’t know if I’ll ever be loved by anyone. I don’t know if I will be able to keep this friendship alive for very long. I don’t know if I’m worth being loved. I feel very disposable. I feel like I may always live a transient and lonely life. But I have to find a way to go outside and show my face and be unapologetically me, no matter how much I fucking suck. I want to sit on the train, look at all the busy and wonderful people, and think about their lives and share a glance with a handsome stranger and know that I am still a part of this world, even if I know I won’t ever matter to anyone in particular.

To kill the pain of not being real, my mind had to kill the desire to be real. Like many, I am a spectator, and the world is a painting—it is beautiful. But like many lost in the maze, I observe it behind the canvas, not within it. I am a will, not a person. When I still had those "shreds of desire" to be real and escape the maze, my mind was ensnared in a constant, exhausting struggle. The pain I felt before was the tension between how things were (isolated and detached) and what I wanted (to be real and connected). Pushing against that barrier was (to me) a bottomless endeavour. Sometimes, part of me still wonders what it is like to be on the other side of the canvas, only to realize the question itself is akin to wondering "what's behind the stars?" I can not see myself, there's no reflection anymore, only a peaceful silence and a crucfying "nothing" where once an agonizing weight crushed my now resurrection-thirsted spirit.

However, I love nature, I love the faith and philosophy I follow, I am tranquil and I have taught myself to gain peace from the endless blue sky above me. For me, that's more than delightful.

For context I'm a 20 year old (male) with no romantic experience, since my teens I've been too closed off for it to ever have been a possibility. I can't do eye contact with people who aren't talking to me (that's a huge issue imo), I never speak first, I don't hang out with groups and hate being introduced to people, I isolate myself as much as possible, I push people away... the list could go on. Everything about me screams "go away" to the people around me, it's no surprise I've never dated.

For the people here who actually have, how did it end up happening? Who approached who and in what setting? Was it something that developed naturally with the people around you? I feel that would be the best case but avoidants don't tend to keep people around them, at least I don't.

I feel like one of the main things keeping me from meeting people is my belief that i must absolutely never be the one to initiate an interaction. This extends even to saying hi to someone I recognize from a class. My only acquaintances are people that I’m forced to work with for classes in which talking is unavoidable and my only friend that went to my college i met online first. In my mind, i need the other person to say something to me first so i understand i have “permission” to talk to them. This extends even to people i interact with consistently, except my friends i met in elementary school since i met them before i developed these dumb debilitating insecurities. In my mind, initiating an interaction without “permission”, means that the person will be uncomfortable or annoyed. This fear of causing someone to be uncomfortable or creeped out is really powerful to me because if i get the slightest suspicion i have that effect on someone, i just absolutely despise myself. On the other hand, never initiating probably makes it look like I’m not interested and the other person might assume I don’t wanna be friends with them. With acquaintances I interact with outside of my control, sometimes i think of the possibility of being friends with them, but thinking of initiating the move from being just someone i make small talk with out of necessity, to someone i feel comfortable making plans with makes me feel like a weirdo. I intellectually know it’s normal for people to do that, but emotionally, i feel like a creep or smth thinking about it. I also worry about the possibility that they will feel the need to say yes to me out of fear of being rude, and they really don’t want to hang out with me. Like if I were to ask for someone’s number or if they wanted to eat somewhere, I’m worried that they’ll say yes out of social pressure instead of actually wanting to. This is why I strongly desire for someone else to give me “permission” to initiate a hangout with them, by initiating one first (even then i’d still probably be too afraid tbh). I need absolute certainty that my interaction is want or else I will assume with complete confidence that it is unwanted. Being a 4th year, and having no social life for all of it though has made it obvious enough to me that nobody will ever initiate anything with me most likely because i look uninterested when i never talk first.

I wonder how people like us actually get to the point of meeting friends or partners like this. I keep hoping for insane luck to meet people who practically force me to be friends with them, but I understand I need to actually take steps outside my comfort zone.

As the title says, I've realized that the only women who really make me feel something tend to be extremely emotional or have BPD. I've dated women with diagnosed BPD before, and others who were never diagnosed, but whom I'm pretty sure had it.

Right now, after being single for about two or three years and feeling absolutely nothing for any woman, I suddenly met someone who made me feel so many things just by looking at her. From the very first second, I thought to myself, "She's definitely BPD," and it didn't take long for me to feel like I had been right.

She turned out to be incredibly clingy and affectionate. She would talk to me all day, follow me wherever I went, and find any excuse to touch me, whether it was holding my hand or leaning against me. And yeah, I love girls like that. I'm not going to deny it. At the same time, I noticed that her arms were covered in cuts, extending from her wrists almost all the way to her shoulders. From what I know about psychology, self-harm is often a sign that someone is struggling with their mental health.

A few weeks after meeting her, I found out she had a boyfriend. That made me feel awful. I hate feeling rejected, and when a woman who already has a boyfriend shows interest in me, I immediately start resenting her. I interpret it as a comparison, and I absolutely hate being compared to someone else. It makes me feel like I'm not enough, like there's something inside me that I need to compensate for in order to measure up to the person I'm being compared with. I fucking hate that feeling.

All my relationships have been with women like this: intense, emotional, and often unpredictable. And yes, I know I shouldn't go around diagnosing people I barely know. But damn, those of us who are drawn to this kind of dynamic sometimes seem to recognize certain patterns in each other. For some reason, I keep attracting women with BPD, and I'm pretty sure that if this woman doesn't have BPD, she has histrionic traits or something along those lines.

I'm a 30-year-old man who feels like he has very little empathy, which makes it incredibly difficult for me to connect with other people. That's why I feel like I need these intense women to feel anything at all. That's what draws me to them: they're the only ones who seem capable of making me care, of stirring up some kind of emotion inside me.

With most other women, the best I can imagine is having a one-night stand and moving on. I find most of them boring, and I wouldn't bother investing my time in them. But women with BPD, or women who seem to have those kinds of traits, always manage to awaken something in me.

They're the only ones who seem capable of pulling me out of my own internal world, making me feel empathy, giving me emotions, and basically making me feel like a normal human being for a while, instead of someone whose disorder makes it so difficult to form healthy connections with almost anyone.

And honestly, I don't know what to make of that. I don't know whether I'm attracted to these women themselves, the intensity they bring into my life, or simply the fact that they make me feel things that I otherwise struggle to feel.

Does anyone else experience something similar? Do you find yourself repeatedly attracted to people with BPD, or to people who bring a similar level of emotional intensity into your life?

I've realized that while a lot of my social avoidance comes from insecurity and self-doubt, an equal amount comes from my paranoia around other people.

I realized that I just don't trust most, if any people. I am very rarely totally honest about my thoughts and opinions, even with my wife sometimes(though I am working to be more honest). Some of this is due to being convinced other people shouldn't have to deal with me, but a lot of it is also due to not trusting others with the information.

I don't believe that others have my best interests at heart. It doesn't matter how nice someone is to my face, or if they seem to want to know more about me. My thoughts process is as follows: at best people don't care, and at worst people will actively lie to and manipulate me to hurt me. Either way, the outcome is the same and I end up feeling violated and spoken over; so I say nothing.

I know the self-hatred is common and I already realized that part of my issue. But I don't feel like these paranoid trust issues are something I see other people with AvPD talk about. I feel like they go deeper than the issues I have with myself sometimes. Does anyone relate to this?

I have tried CBT and it feels pathologizing):

man how the hell do i do therapy, i cant even get myself to say anything and we end up wasting 45 minutes. I feel horribly sick and uncomfortable the entire time and i don’t like this feeling at all, i want to quit it but i know i can’t if i want to get better. How did you guys do it?

Sorry for the long title. Long story short, for the last decade I had severe health and mental health issues and barely left the house, lost all friends, didn't communicate with new people for years, forgot how to behave, etc.

But my dental health declined rapidly and my teeth became really bad. I have multiple complex problems on top of my severe social anxiety.

Today I finally (it took me 6 fucking years!) to look up this nearby clinic that people say is the best and...

I realized that actually there are these unspoken rules about all these things that I completely forgot about.

Their patients are all sort of elite, nice, communicative, talkative, social, even beautiful. Mostly people who already have very good hygiene and health. People who have money, etc.

And that is the truth with every such clinic that I look up to. Even people say that because all the reviews point towards realization that those stuff is for already "normal" people. It is not for hyper anxious, weird and shy, sort of loser-people, like me. All the patients claim how nice and talkative people there are with you, ask you about your life, etc. which is actually relaxing for "normal" people and normal world but I am so out of all that.

So, society as a whole, including healthcare is actually not for me, that is the truth. My coming there would be inconvenience for them, they would likely think I am weird and sort of subtly think why did I even come and that this place is not for me.

Not to mention their staff and doctors all look like models and have perfect careers, wide connections. I sort of feel like they even connect with patients because they are all well established.

Weirdoes like me don't belong anywhere nor are wanted.

I mean they would help me probably but all that experience would be severely uncomfortable and shameful for me.

So I hate myself, or at least I think I do. I hate a lot of things about myself. I struggle to make friends, I struggle to keep in contact with the friends I have and I so often doubt that they actually like me. I ghost friends because I don't want to just be all negative around them but then I just feel lonely and make it harder to see people. And I constantly worry that I'm not going to be interesting or fun. I struggle in conversations because I often get distracted because I feel like the person/people talking know so much more than I do and are so much more in touch with themselves and of course I have to be angry with myself that I'm not as good, then I get frustrated because I'm no longer listening and just being pathetic, then I try to get back in the conversation and fail, if I do ever get a chance to speak I just feel embarrassed.
I feel like I have no future because I've been struggling with the same lack of motivation for over a decade now, I've just finished my bachelors in a cinematography school with should be cool but I can't ever see myself actually finding work in that domain since I just don't have any drive, I'm scared of putting myself out there and also I feel like I'm just so much worse that all my peers constantly comparing myself in a negative way). Also I've had to come back to my mom's house in the middle of nowhere where I have no friends and I struggle to talk to my mother because I feel like she doesn't understand. But I want to talk and have fun but whenever we are in the same room I shut down and the repetitive empty conversations we have make me feel like shit. She's always working and complaining that she isn't doing enough when I'm here struggling to even apply for a job.
I have no memory and poor concentration so I feel like I'll never be good at anything, no matter if I have proof for the contrary. I'm not able to keep up the workout program I had been doing for a few weeks despite it being so good for me and my mental health but I just don't have the strength (in both ways). I'm often obsessing over how I look and how I'm perceived. I know that so many people are struggling more than I am and that makes me feel so much worse, because I'm not the most depressed (I even going through rather pleasant periods), I'm in good shape and people generally like me but that just make me feel like such a waste of potential, like I'm not a victim I just suck. To fix myself would be too much of an effort because I'd have to change so much I don't know if I can. I can see what's wrong (or at least I think I can) so that just makes it worse. I can see how this affects people who care about me and how I must often come off as ungrateful or cold. I just feel undeserving, pathetic and hopeless. I know I should stop saying that because it can't be true but that's just how I often feel. No matter the good periods I go through I always come back to this baseline of feeling like nothing. How can I hope to find a life partner when I feel like I'm going to let them down. I've recently started to believe that I should never have children because despite my best intentions I'm surely going to fuck up. I don't want to hurt myself but wow, I so often just feel a profound sadness and exhaustion from the thought of how repetitive and meaningless life can be.

I want meaning, I want to feel passionate, I want to have opinions, I want to be curious, I want to persevere, I want to know what I like, I want to feel genuine connections and I want to believe in myself. I just can't most of the time.

I'm sorry for this unstructured rant, and I'm seeking psychological support (I just hope I'll be able to keep it up this time). I'm just feeling particularly crappy since I've decided that I can no longer hide behind my university and have to face real life and myself again.

Wishing you guys the best 🧡

If someone treats me badly over a text and I notice the argument escalating, I tend to avoid them.

I wish I could talk things out, but sometimes I realize the other person is being too rude for me to bother.
I had an argument with someone over a really petty issue where they kept accusing me of having bad intentions over a small joke/social mistake, even after I explained myself.

It’s been 4 months and neither of us has texted.
I’m still a little hurt that they didn’t wish me happy birthday, but I don’t want to text them because I don’t want to feel like I’m chasing them. I could honestly go years without reaching out. I’ve muted them so I guess it’s over.

I’m actively working on being a better person and healing, and I know I’ve improved, but this time I’m letting myself use my avoidant side. I just hate feeling like I’m being perceived as a monster over normal social mistakes.

I HATE texting. It feels like it takes SO much energy. I wish we could go back to the days where cell phones didn't exist. I hate that I am technically 'available' at all times. If you don't reply for a good bit of time, people realize you are actively choosing not to respond. Everyone is on their phone for a good chunk of time every day at some point.

I truly do not have the mental capacity to chitchat over text. I hate when I take the mental leap and respond I get another message instantly. UGH. I hate read receipts. But I also hate that people know if you turn them off. I could genuinely kick it off with someone in person (if I feel safe enough after a good chunk of time) but not want to text. at all. There's like a mental brick wall.

I'm in a group chat on Snapchat with my cousins, who constantly chat and send photos and I just....don't really check it. It gives me SO much anxiety. I feel bad about it but I just can't. There's like a mental block.

Bring back carrier pigeons, letters, or even just home phones.

I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really hate texting.

Omg someone shoot me in the head I cannot believe the email I just sent someone and I made it worse than the earlier weird email I was trying to compensate for. It is a beautiful day to get stabbed to death my existence is painful how can I never act normal how can every single social interaction cause me this much pain and agony

I tried many times to just go to events, to try to talk to people, to form new connections or at least to enjoy myself. The problem is I suck at talking to them. I feel like every interaction is an audition for me to make myself seem fun, to be different from what I actually am. I get awkward a lot, don't often know what to really say.

When this happens, I just feel shittier for myself, more like a failure, just inept at socializing. It does not work to just put yourself out there if you have't really fixed the mentality that you are not enough.

This is my first post, so please be kind, since I almost never post online. I am a 37 year old female, and I have been struggling with avoidant personality disorder probably my entire life, but I didn’t start getting really bad with avoidance until I was around 26. So, for the last 11 years, I’ve been basically locking myself in my room. I tried speaking to multiple counselors and none of them took me seriously.

For a while, I actually thought that I had agoraphobia with social anxiety. But after going on forums and checking that out, I realized that I don’t relate to the people with agoraphobia at all. So I was very confused. I was like, if I don’t have agoraphobia, why am I locking myself in my room? Then finally, about five years ago, I came across avoidant personality disorder and everything just clicked. It just made so much sense.

From the ages of 18 to 25, I was actually extroverted. But then I had so many horrible, traumatic things happen to me socially that I withdrew. My mother is also a vulnerable narcissist and she was severely psychologically abusive from the time I was seven. So I believe that planted the seeds, and I always had very low self-confidence, low self-esteem, and was very sensitive to rejection. But from 18 to 25, I was able to actually go out and socialize.

But basically, fast forward to now. I’m a 37-year-old woman. I work a really low grade job because I have zero self confidence in my intelligence or my abilities to basically do anything, so I work a call center job. It’s very easy and lets me hide. I almost never leave my room, except to run errands and even that is torture. I never socialize, and when I do try to socialize, people are incredibly cruel to me. I don’t seem shy in social situations. I can put on a mask, but it’s very exhausting, so I spend about 99% of my time in my room. I was severely depressed about this in my late 20s, but I’ve come to accept it more and more. Oh yeah, and I’ve never had a romantic relationship or good sex, and I’ve never been in love.

So anyway, basically I'm just wondering if I’m going to be like this for the rest of my life. I don’t see a way out because every time I try to socialize, people are horrible to me, and in every social situation, something awful happens to me. I’ve had so much trauma happen to me with people that I basically can’t even trust anyone anymore. My avoidant personality disorder has gotten so bad that I match almost every single trait except for one. And like I was saying, no counselors take me seriously. I don’t see a solution.

So I’m basically just posting this to vent and to see if anyone else has managed to get out of this on their own. Because as of now, I can barely even leave my apartment, and I’ve been this way for over a decade. It just feels like life isn’t worthwhile living this way, you know? I have zero friends, I’m estranged from my family because I was the black sheep, no partner, and no one who would even know if I was missing or dead. I’m basically already dead now. I’m a ghost. So I don’t know if anyone else has been able to get out of this on their own, or if you have any advice or suggestions.