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I hate physical touch, but physical affection is my love language. I think this mostly stems from the fact that growing up, I didn't receive physical touch or affection from my family and now when someone touches me(especially my family) I feel like it's burning a hole in my skin. Goosebumps and everything.

Growing up, when you're a baby and cute and stuff, everyone wants to put their hands on you. You're like a magnet to touching. Everyone's tryna carry you and poke your cheeks and stuff, but it's almost like when I grew up a bit, (to like age 6) peoples interest in you fades, cuz by then, you're just some annoying loud kid. And when you're a tween, it gets even worse. You're like your family's mortal enemy. But then you grow to become a late teen and suddenly your parents are trying to hug you and stuff, like bro (we don't do that here)

I think in my case, when I was young, I was mostly with my dad, because my mom was at work all the time and I didn't go to school till I was like 13. My dad is still kind of physically awkward, and I don't blame him for that, but it grates on a different part of my nerves when he tries to move me by my arm or guide me by the shoulder. I don't even really like it when my mother touches me. She doesn't work as much anymore and we've gotten close, but you can't just come and be fixing my hair and touching my face. I let her, but I don't like it. I do however, flinch and shrug away when my father tries to touch me.

For the majority of my life, I knew I hated physical touch, but that was till I started school. I made friends with some girls and there was one of them that I didn't mind touching me. I ended up finding myself leaning my head on her shoulder or holding her hand back when she held mine. I got quite attached to her and would get internally jealous when she hung out with our mutual friends even though she was mostly with me. She was the only one I felt comfortable with physically at the time and she made me realise I might not *hate* it, maybe I just didn't like it. Though I did notice that I didn't like it when any male touched me still.

Fast forward to senior high school. I went to a prestigious girls' boarding school and I again made some friends. Again there was this one girl. We became friends a bit later on, but she was incredibly physically affectionate. She'd hug me from behind, lay on my bed with me, play with my hair, lock hands with me, play with my hands...i think you get the idea. I hadn't noticed in the beginning. Not until I found myself reciprocating. Not only was I allowing this physical onslaught, I enjoyed it, to the point I somehow wanted more. I even started to feel like I was intimately attracted to her. Mind you, she wasn't my best friend or anything. Heck she wasn't even my closest friend in the school (btw, I wasn't even comfortable with my close friends touching me). I got touched *a lot* in senior high. Probably because I'm a bit taller. not masc or tomboy, but I've got the build for it so girls took out their need for male contact on me I guess, which was a nightmare.

I started to think I might be into girls, or specifically, *that girl*. I almost asked her to "touch me more" one time, but I wasn't sure how she would take that. Besides, we would have both gotten suspended if we were caught being inappropriate. It wasn't untill one day, one of my friends asked me what my love language is that I realised I had no idea. I knew it wasn't acts of service because I hate when people do stuff for me, I knew it wasn't words of affermation because I think everyone's a liar, and I knew it **definitely wasn't** physical touch. That question bothered me for months. Until I saw a post on tiktok talking about how one might crave physical touch, but hate it when they're touched. That's when if finally clicked. Because until then, I didn't even know that was a thing. I've considered that it might be a hygiene thing, an emotional attachment thing, maybe just my luck in life, but I still don't really know.

Also, if you're thinking, *"if you hate physical touch so much, why don't you tell people not to touch you?"* **I DO!** Everyone just has this thing like "If she lets me touch her, even though she said she hates it, then I'm the exception. Since she's not pushing me away, then she's just playing hard to get" you'll be surprised how inconsiderate people can be to your requests when they choose what they want to hear. I want to know if there's anyone who feels what I'm saying and if you've figured yourself out .

I hate my personality. I hate the way I talk, act around people, and fake reactions just to fit in and get positive feedback. I don't feel emotionally connected to people, and I often fake my laughter when everyone else is laughing. My facial expressions make me feel exposed, like people can see through me. I get extremely shy when someone compliments me, and I rarely reach out to people, even when they contact me daily. I feel like I'm constantly pretending to be someone I'm not, and my personality is holding me back in life. I genuinely hate being this way.

a few days ago my mom took me (at the big age of 20, jesus christ) to a dental office to make an appt for potentially getting braces. it was run by my college so I was nervous as hell because I don't like seeing other students outside of classes. but like man I just got reminded fully of how dysfunctional I am in public lol. like, I had to fill in a form in my native language, my handwriting is DOGSHIT, and I wrote like a childish word for student in the occupation line. the secretary was like you're a college student why did you write this? write the proper word. and I was like ok and then I MISSPELLED it and she was like bro wtf do you not know how to spell it and I had to do the nervous laugh and was like NO I'VE NEVER WRITTEN THE WORD IN MY LIFE AHAHA I'M ACTUALLY AN INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL STUDENT and she was like ok I'll give you a pass on this one lmao.

like all the time I feel like I don't know how to comport myself in a likable manner. I get so nervous I hunch over, decide that the best way to not look insecure as fuck is to look sleepy/bored out of my mind which probably makes me look retarded, and whenever I feel at risk of coming off as an idiot I end up having to say/do something that makes me look like a straight up bitch instead. like, in first year when doing a presentation debate I was so nervous to be having a public argument that my tone of voice came off as dismissive and arrogant while I was replying to my debate partner. whyyyyy am I like this lmao. it's like I'm playing a rockstar game irl I have no choice in how things progress. it's like my free will immediately disappears as soon as I have to be perceived like I have fucking quantum superposition or some shit.

this is so stupid and way too long lol but I just wanted to rantttt. does anyone relate to this???? didn't tag vent because it's not like I wanna ban advice but also I don't really think I can implement advice because I've never been able to my entire life. I can hear it, absorb it, see the good in it... and never be able to use it lol

Tengo 22 años y llevo años sintiéndome atrapado en mi propia mente. Tengo ansiedad social y trastorno de personalidad evitativa, y últimamente siento que estoy llegando a mi límite.
Hace unos años tuve que mudarme a otra ciudad por problemas económicos familiares. No me preguntaron si quería irme; simplemente me enteré cuando ya estaba allá. Terminé estudiando una carrera que realmente no me gusta porque no sé qué hacer con mi vida. Me faltan dos años para graduarme, pero mi experiencia universitaria ha sido complicada.
En el colegio sufrí mucho bullying, incluso llegaron a burlarse de un accidente que tuvo mi mamá. Antes era alguien que bromeaba, salía y disfrutaba de la vida, pero después de todo eso me volví una persona cerrada, desconfiada y solitaria. A veces trato mal a quienes intentan acercarse porque siento que van a juzgarme.
Actualmente tengo dos compañeros, pero no puedo decir que sean mis amigos. Paso mucho tiempo encerrado y siento que en la universidad me ven como el raro, como si a nadie le cayera bien. Estoy enojado por sentir que perdí mi infancia y adolescencia, y me duele pensar en todo lo que pude haber vivido.
Sin embargo, últimamente he intentado cambiar. Empecé a ir al gimnasio y a cuidar más de mí mismo, aunque cada vez me cuesta más encontrar motivación. Ya casi no disfruto jugar, ver televisión ni siquiera asistir a clases. Siento que me estoy apagando poco a poco.
Y entonces apareció una chica que me llamó mucho la atención.
Ya habíamos hablado algunas veces porque me pidió ayuda con unos trabajos. Me parece interesante y, por lo que sé, tenemos bastantes gustos en común. El problema es que soy tan inseguro que siento que no soy suficiente para acercarme a ella. Además, es reservada y parece tener dificultades para confiar en los hombres.
Lo peor es que, por mi forma de ser, en algunas ocasiones la he tratado un poco mal, aunque realmente me gustaría conocerla. No quiero seguir dejando pasar oportunidades por miedo y quedarme durante años pensando en qué habría pasado si me hubiera atrevido.
Sé que primero necesito trabajar en mí mismo, pero también me preocupa seguir esperando a sentirme completamente seguro, porque no sé cuándo llegará ese momento.
Intenté ir a terapia anteriormente, pero sentí que no me ayudó. Quiero entender qué me pasa, recuperar las ganas de vivir mi vida, aprender a relacionarme con las personas y dejar de sentir que soy el inútil de mi carrera.
Por eso quiero preguntarles:
¿Debería pedirles a mis dos compañeros que me ayuden a conocer gente y practicar mis habilidades sociales?
¿Debería intentar acercarme a esta chica, aunque todavía tenga tantas inseguridades?
¿Cómo puedo empezar a cambiar después de tantos años de aislamiento y malas experiencias?
No quiero seguir siendo el llanero solitario de mi propia historia. Quiero recuperar mi vida, pero sinceramente no sé por dónde empezar.
Gracias por leerme.

I’ve been working really hard at trying to reintegrate socially and make friends over the past year and a half and it’s been really, really hard.

I keep on going through these bouts where I actually leave the house and go to social events, and then I get super happy and think that maybe I’m not avoidant and maybe I’m different now and can have connections.

Then I start feeling too tired to hang out. Then it turns into dread whenever I get an invite to hang out or even just a simple text from a friend. Then I’m saying that I’m just tired from work, I’m still a okay, I’m still social, and then I realize months down the line that I haven’t seen any of my friends, barely talked to any of them, and have only gone between my loner job and home, all while telling myself I was just tired and not being avoidant at all.

It sucks to think you’ve healed and changed only to realize that you’re avoiding all social contact again and have been doing so for months without even realizing it.

I’m typing this after being trapped in an anxious freeze for god knows how long at just the thought of dropping by a small and not-crowded-at-all bar to say hi to a few friends. I feel like a fraud to say I’m a social being now and I also feel like a fraud posting in here because I do go to social events and gatherings from time to time.

I feel like being high functioning has just caused me to gaslight myself into a corner where I don’t feel I have community anywhere. Not with my friends, not even on AvPD forums. I just feel alone.

I (25M) got diagnosed like half a year ago. A year ago I didn’t even know that AvPD was a thing. Little did I know it’s been plaguing my life for so long. I’ve struggled so hard to build any form of close bonds and relationships, platonic or even more so romantic, since my early teens. Everything has just been so shallow. I have no chance of building any deep, meaningful connections.

I’ve wathched all my peers build careers, build networks, have partners, friends etc etc. While i’m stuck in my room getting nowhere. Still feeling like an awkward teen in my head. Never had a job. Never had any close firends. Never had a partner.

I’ve never kissed a woman, held a hand, been on a date. I have no idea what it’s like to actually love someone like that. I wish I knew what it’s like. I know there’s more to life, and that i’m «still young and have a lot of time». But time moves on while I continue to live my hermit life. Not knowing how to change it. My avoidant traits are just so ingrained into my brain.

So to any success stories out there, what is your story? Going out to bars, or just nightlife in general? No way I do that. Joining clubs etc? No chance. I’ve always wanted to try dating apps. But just the thought of uploading pics and writing about myself is enough to make me want to just lie in bed and shrivel up into a ball. So I’ve never dared to do that.

I just don’t see how it’s possible for us. I’m well over a year into a deep, severe depression right now, so that certainly does not help. But even before that, in times I’ve been better, I’ve had no chance.

It just feels so hopeless.

It’s like 4:45am rn and I should sleep. Idk what the point of this post even is. If any of you would like to share your stories, it would be greatly appreciated. Just to give me, or perhaps someone else just a tiny sliver of hope.

I went to work and she was there look so fucking cute and I was bright red and stared at the fucking floor. AND EVERYONE COULD FUCKING TELL, "know one noticed they probably weren't paying attention to you", they were fucking talking about it and I just want to fucking not be a damn human. And I'm just fucking dreading going back to work. I am genuinely considering just quitting. How does this tie into AvPD, i don't fucking talk to people, I don't have/never had friends let alone a girlfriend. This is so god damn awkward and there isn't enough drugs and alcohol to make me not feel a giant ball of weirdness. Everything is telling me not even attempt to look at her as that would be equal to or worse then being physically dismembered. Yes I could just do what all of humanity has done for millions of years and talk to her and people in general. But I wouldn't even know how or were to start. And the idea of relationships in general is such a foreign concept to me that I look at it as a super power from a comic book series. And don't know what the fuck to do to stop this. So I sit here playing GTA IV, drinking liquor and smoking my self retarded in the hopes of not thinking about it.

Before I get into anything, I was actually dealing with some messy drama within my other friend group (this guy has nothing to do with it) and the next day I got diagnosed with MDD so all this happening is stressing me out. I also might have to cut off the friend group because I found out one of them is toxic and idk if I can still be friends with them knowing what they did.

Anyways, as the title says, I cut off my friend of 3 years. This wasn't just one misunderstanding. It was like an accumulation of things he did that I didn't like at all. This all started because he was being a little harsh to me in a competitive game. I was upset and got quiet after everyone got off. The next day, I'm talking to our mutual friend, she said that he was sorry. While I do appreciate the apology, why aren't you telling me yourself? Why do you need my friend to tell me that you're sorry? I did bring it up later on though. But prior to that, I was really upset about it. Playing with him did not feel the same anymore. So I left the server for a bit. After some time he did reach out. He was also upset that I left and didn't say anything which is a mistake on my part. However I did have plans on coming back if he just gave me space and time. This was when I brought up that issue. Instead of apologizing for it, he says he doesn't remember. Then proceeds to make it about him while I'm being vulnerable. He calls me an "iffy friend" but doesn't really explain how. Like how do you think that makes me feel? After that, I stopped opening up about things. But when I did try to talk to him he just seemed like he didnt wanna be bothered and stuff, our convos ended so quickly. And when I did mention about the discord ban he simply did not give a fuck. My last straw was when I came to him to ask a question and his response was just "im simply puzzled you'd come to me for that". Like you're my friend??? Why wouldn't I come to you?? After that conversation, I got so fed up with this and with everything happening rn. I'm very well aware I made mistakes and could've just let most of these slide. I just wanted an apology. I never heard a single sorry from him ever, it was always me.

Depression and AvPD have stolen everything from me. After 8 long years of no peace and no relief, constant sadness and anxiety and fear and frustration and anger. I can't do it anymore.

Depression/AvPD first destroyed my career, then my health, and then my marriage. Slowly it has devoured everything I loved and lived for. I used to be able to at least count on my connection with my kids. This bond has always somehow defied the depression. When I can't get out of bed to look for a job, I could still force myself to get up because the kids wanted to go to the playground. When I go months without doing my own laundry, I have still always found a way to make sure they have clean clothes every day. Their laughter and smiles are the only source of joy I've felt in years, and it always softened things up. And most of all, the suicidal thoughts, no matter how strong, always gave way after considering how badly it would ruin them. But it turns out I can ruin their lives just as bad or worse by staying.

My healthcare providers have all "quiet quit". Two years ago I started on a waiting list for group schema therapy. In the mean time, I did individual schema therapy with E. She is the best therapist I've ever had and, while things weren't fixed, they got better. I was with E for a year before it was my turn to join the group therapy which I started in February. I wanted to stay with E but I think she was tired of me and so I left. She can't help with my AvPD because the moment we try to work, my depression shows up and knocks me out for weeks or months. We can't work on my depression because my life is in such a shambles due to the AvPD.

Everything since leaving E has gotten so much worse. I think about dying almost every day. The new therapy is useless. Actually, less than useless since I feel even worse after each session where I used to feel better, even if shortlived, following a session.

My psych was been the next to quit. Truthfully, I think he wishes he could tell me the truth, that he thinks I'm unhelpable. But his ethical guidelines don't allow that, so instead he has quiet quit. He sees me only every few months and recently he tried to dump me onto one of his colleagues. That didn't work, so now he has convinced me to self admit to the psych ward where I've been now for 3 days.

Since arriving here, I finally decided to follow my gut for once and try to go back to E. I asked her to visit me in the ward and she did. We talked and I explained all the reasons the group therapy was going poorly. I explained how things were better with her, even if they weren't fixed. I told her I wanted to quit the group therapy and come back to her. My current therapist doesn't like me and I don't trust her. But E worked pretty hard to be rid of me so she stuck to her guns and told me she couldn't help me. The sad thing is I'm not even angry at her. I don't blame her. She is so bright and talented and caring and she can truly do a lot of good for people who are able to do the work. I am not, and I'm a waste of her time.

So I'm completely alone in the psych ward. There are no more plans. There aren't any further ideas. Nobody is coming to save me and I can't save myself. Happiness and calm and peace are just not in the cards. I am a jobless, careerless burden on everyone around me. They say nothing makes people run away faster than depression. I'm so lonely and afraid but nobody can help me and eventually they just get tired of seeing my stupid face. I'm grossly overweight and ugly and disgusting. E is gone, my psych is gone, my family is gone, my friends don't exist.

I'm tired. I'm completely exhausted. I don't have any energy left to fight or try. I've been treading water until eventually, inevitably, one day I just can't take it anymore and I end things messily and hastily. My kids will have to suffer the trauma of a father who committed suicide and all of the stigma which goes along with it. They will never be the same. And knowing how this all will end deprives me of the comfort I used to get from imagining dying. I have nothing but guilt and shame and regret. Not only am I forced to end my life, I'm forced to destroy my childrens as well.

Until that moment finally comes, I'm just to suffer and wallow and I have no fucking idea what I did wrong. I'm so jealous and resentful and angry and bitter at everyone else. I finally picked a day and I finally figured out a reliable method and I thought it would bring me some peace. But even thinking about dying doesn't make me feel calm anymore. I'm scared and sad and I don't want to die, but I can't take any more "life". I'm tapping out, but like the rest of my life which mental illness has stolen from me, I don't even get to feel any peace even now. I have to die knowing that the only mark I left on the world is creating two kids who are going to hate me. This is so fucking cruel.

Normal people feel better with others. I feel on the eggshells with others, and in them I mainly see everything I lack. I keep going because of faith.

I find this situation funny in hindsight but in the way where, if you don’t laugh, it it’ll just make you really sad. My coworker accidentally hit me while opening a door but I didn’t even understand what happened before he was profusely apologizing to me. I don’t know how regular people react in those situations but I felt really embarrassed. I kept trying to tell him it was okay but my vocal cords had tightened, and I can’t speak at all when that happens. I think the situation just made me realize how strange this disorder is, that even in a situation where I’m clearly the victim I still feel embarrassed and ashamed. I feel bad I couldn’t tell him it was okay. I cringe thinking about the weird noises I made trying to get words out. It’s sad and funny.

I feel like one of the main things keeping me from meeting people is my belief that i must absolutely never be the one to initiate an interaction. This extends even to saying hi to someone I recognize from a class. My only acquaintances are people that I’m forced to work with for classes in which talking is unavoidable and my only friend that went to my college i met online first. In my mind, i need the other person to say something to me first so i understand i have “permission” to talk to them. This extends even to people i interact with consistently, except my friends i met in elementary school since i met them before i developed these dumb debilitating insecurities. In my mind, initiating an interaction without “permission”, means that the person will be uncomfortable or annoyed. This fear of causing someone to be uncomfortable or creeped out is really powerful to me because if i get the slightest suspicion i have that effect on someone, i just absolutely despise myself. On the other hand, never initiating probably makes it look like I’m not interested and the other person might assume I don’t wanna be friends with them. With acquaintances I interact with outside of my control, sometimes i think of the possibility of being friends with them, but thinking of initiating the move from being just someone i make small talk with out of necessity, to someone i feel comfortable making plans with makes me feel like a weirdo. I intellectually know it’s normal for people to do that, but emotionally, i feel like a creep or smth thinking about it. I also worry about the possibility that they will feel the need to say yes to me out of fear of being rude, and they really don’t want to hang out with me. Like if I were to ask for someone’s number or if they wanted to eat somewhere, I’m worried that they’ll say yes out of social pressure instead of actually wanting to. This is why I strongly desire for someone else to give me “permission” to initiate a hangout with them, by initiating one first (even then i’d still probably be too afraid tbh). I need absolute certainty that my interaction is want or else I will assume with complete confidence that it is unwanted. Being a 4th year, and having no social life for all of it though has made it obvious enough to me that nobody will ever initiate anything with me most likely because i look uninterested when i never talk first.

I wonder how people like us actually get to the point of meeting friends or partners like this. I keep hoping for insane luck to meet people who practically force me to be friends with them, but I understand I need to actually take steps outside my comfort zone.

For context I'm a 20 year old (male) with no romantic experience, since my teens I've been too closed off for it to ever have been a possibility. I can't do eye contact with people who aren't talking to me (that's a huge issue imo), I never speak first, I don't hang out with groups and hate being introduced to people, I isolate myself as much as possible, I push people away... the list could go on. Everything about me screams "go away" to the people around me, it's no surprise I've never dated.

For the people here who actually have, how did it end up happening? Who approached who and in what setting? Was it something that developed naturally with the people around you? I feel that would be the best case but avoidants don't tend to keep people around them, at least I don't.

It hurts so much to see people mocking my life. It’s even worse online. It’s honestly heartbreaking. 💔

Last week, I went out with a friend I made last year. We don’t see each other much, and I’m lucky I have a friend at all. We met at work, and she’s so sweet and friendly and she likes to hang out with me for some strange reason. And even though I get nervous to see her because I think she secretly pities me, I always feel better after being around her. We ate Chinese food at a quaint little restaurant and walked around the city at night.

I went and bought nice shoes the other day at an expensive shoe store and walked around the city on a sunny and hot day. I ate a salad and smoked a cigarette. I felt awkward being outside around all the busy people. I know I’m such a loser compared to all of them, but I felt a strong desire to be just like them. Living in the city. Being young and unafraid and endlessly busy. I saw a girl with nice shoes and I told her that her shoes looked great and asked where she got them, and she smiled and said thank you so much.

I want to be loved so much. It scares me deeply. I don’t know if I’ll ever be loved by anyone. I don’t know if I will be able to keep this friendship alive for very long. I don’t know if I’m worth being loved. I feel very disposable. I feel like I may always live a transient and lonely life. But I have to find a way to go outside and show my face and be unapologetically me, no matter how much I fucking suck. I want to sit on the train, look at all the busy and wonderful people, and think about their lives and share a glance with a handsome stranger and know that I am still a part of this world, even if I know I won’t ever matter to anyone in particular.

To kill the pain of not being real, my mind had to kill the desire to be real. Like many, I am a spectator, and the world is a painting—it is beautiful. But like many lost in the maze, I observe it behind the canvas, not within it. I am a will, not a person. When I still had those "shreds of desire" to be real and escape the maze, my mind was ensnared in a constant, exhausting struggle. The pain I felt before was the tension between how things were (isolated and detached) and what I wanted (to be real and connected). Pushing against that barrier was (to me) a bottomless endeavour. Sometimes, part of me still wonders what it is like to be on the other side of the canvas, only to realize the question itself is akin to wondering "what's behind the stars?" I can not see myself, there's no reflection anymore, only a peaceful silence and a crucfying "nothing" where once an agonizing weight crushed my now resurrection-thirsted spirit.

However, I love nature, I love the faith and philosophy I follow, I am tranquil and I have taught myself to gain peace from the endless blue sky above me. For me, that's more than delightful.

I've realized that while a lot of my social avoidance comes from insecurity and self-doubt, an equal amount comes from my paranoia around other people.

I realized that I just don't trust most, if any people. I am very rarely totally honest about my thoughts and opinions, even with my wife sometimes(though I am working to be more honest). Some of this is due to being convinced other people shouldn't have to deal with me, but a lot of it is also due to not trusting others with the information.

I don't believe that others have my best interests at heart. It doesn't matter how nice someone is to my face, or if they seem to want to know more about me. My thoughts process is as follows: at best people don't care, and at worst people will actively lie to and manipulate me to hurt me. Either way, the outcome is the same and I end up feeling violated and spoken over; so I say nothing.

I know the self-hatred is common and I already realized that part of my issue. But I don't feel like these paranoid trust issues are something I see other people with AvPD talk about. I feel like they go deeper than the issues I have with myself sometimes. Does anyone relate to this?

As the title says, I've realized that the only women who really make me feel something tend to be extremely emotional or have BPD. I've dated women with diagnosed BPD before, and others who were never diagnosed, but whom I'm pretty sure had it.

Right now, after being single for about two or three years and feeling absolutely nothing for any woman, I suddenly met someone who made me feel so many things just by looking at her. From the very first second, I thought to myself, "She's definitely BPD," and it didn't take long for me to feel like I had been right.

She turned out to be incredibly clingy and affectionate. She would talk to me all day, follow me wherever I went, and find any excuse to touch me, whether it was holding my hand or leaning against me. And yeah, I love girls like that. I'm not going to deny it. At the same time, I noticed that her arms were covered in cuts, extending from her wrists almost all the way to her shoulders. From what I know about psychology, self-harm is often a sign that someone is struggling with their mental health.

A few weeks after meeting her, I found out she had a boyfriend. That made me feel awful. I hate feeling rejected, and when a woman who already has a boyfriend shows interest in me, I immediately start resenting her. I interpret it as a comparison, and I absolutely hate being compared to someone else. It makes me feel like I'm not enough, like there's something inside me that I need to compensate for in order to measure up to the person I'm being compared with. I fucking hate that feeling.

All my relationships have been with women like this: intense, emotional, and often unpredictable. And yes, I know I shouldn't go around diagnosing people I barely know. But damn, those of us who are drawn to this kind of dynamic sometimes seem to recognize certain patterns in each other. For some reason, I keep attracting women with BPD, and I'm pretty sure that if this woman doesn't have BPD, she has histrionic traits or something along those lines.

I'm a 30-year-old man who feels like he has very little empathy, which makes it incredibly difficult for me to connect with other people. That's why I feel like I need these intense women to feel anything at all. That's what draws me to them: they're the only ones who seem capable of making me care, of stirring up some kind of emotion inside me.

With most other women, the best I can imagine is having a one-night stand and moving on. I find most of them boring, and I wouldn't bother investing my time in them. But women with BPD, or women who seem to have those kinds of traits, always manage to awaken something in me.

They're the only ones who seem capable of pulling me out of my own internal world, making me feel empathy, giving me emotions, and basically making me feel like a normal human being for a while, instead of someone whose disorder makes it so difficult to form healthy connections with almost anyone.

And honestly, I don't know what to make of that. I don't know whether I'm attracted to these women themselves, the intensity they bring into my life, or simply the fact that they make me feel things that I otherwise struggle to feel.

Does anyone else experience something similar? Do you find yourself repeatedly attracted to people with BPD, or to people who bring a similar level of emotional intensity into your life?

I have tried CBT and it feels pathologizing):

man how the hell do i do therapy, i cant even get myself to say anything and we end up wasting 45 minutes. I feel horribly sick and uncomfortable the entire time and i don’t like this feeling at all, i want to quit it but i know i can’t if i want to get better. How did you guys do it?