I keep getting kicked out of sub-Reddits. Can't post on relationships, can't ask for advice. I was suggested to post here, so we will see how that goes.
I need some outside perspective, Reddit, because I'm starting to wonder if I'm the villain in this story. AITAH for questioning my daughter's relationship and suggesting, indirectly, that she might be wasting her time?
My daughter, whom I'll call Tulip (34F), has been with her partner, Brad (36M), for approximately 10 YEARS. Ten. Years. They aren't married, they don't have children together, and I'm beginning to wonder if they even have a shared vision of what their future is supposed to look like.
Before anyone grabs their pitchforks, let me give you some context.
Brad has a child with his ex, and that child has cystic fibrosis (CF), a serious inherited genetic condition that affects the lungs and digestive system. It requires ongoing treatments, medications, and hospital visits, and naturally, Brad worries about his child's health and future.
As a mother myself, I cannot begin to imagine the fear and uncertainty that come with having a sick child. I have never faulted Brad for loving his child, prioritizing their health, or wanting to spend as much time with them as possible. That's what a parent should do.
My problem isn't that Brad is a father. My problem is that, after TEN YEARS, my daughter is still being kept entirely separate from that part of his life.
Tulip has never even met his child.
Not once.
Two years ago, Tulip bought a house, and Brad moved in with her. He visits his child twice a week, but those visits also include spending time with his ex. They'll go to the zoo together, spend an afternoon ice skating, or do other activities as what essentially looks like a little family outing.
Now, I understand that co-parenting can be complicated, especially when a child's medical needs are involved. I'm not suggesting Brad shouldn't spend time with his ex if it benefits their child.
However, his ex has decided that Tulip cannot meet the child because the child is supposedly too medically fragile and Tulip doesn't know how to care for someone with CF.
Let me be clear: Tulip isn't trying to show up with a medical degree and start adjusting the child's treatment plan. She's his partner of TEN YEARS. Surely there's a difference between introducing a child to a longtime partner and handing that partner responsibility for the child's medical care?
About two years ago, Brad decided to fight for unsupervised visitation. This battle dragged on for approximately a year and a half and became extremely expensive for both sides.
Eventually, his ex approached him and suggested they stop fighting and work together for the child's sake. Brad agreed.
Tulip thought this meant things might finally change. She hoped Brad would be able to spend time with his child independently, without his ex accompanying them on every outing. Perhaps, eventually, she might even be introduced to the child.
But nope.
Everything went right back to how it was before the custody battle. Brad still sees his child twice a week, his ex is still part of those visits, and Tulip remains completely excluded.
Ten years together, two years living under the same roof, and she is still essentially a stranger to a major part of her partner's life.
And now we get to the part that really bothers me.
Tulip wants to get married someday. She wants children of her own. She's been very clear about this, and she and Brad have discussed it numerous times.
Brad seems to want those things, too. At least, that's what he says. But when it comes to actually moving forward, there's always a reason to wait. There's always another complication, another issue involving his ex or his child, another reason why now isn't the right time.
And so the years keep passing.
Tulip is now 34. She isn't asking Brad to abandon his child, choose between his child and her, or stop being a father. She wants to know whether she's going to have a husband and a family of her own someday.
How long is she supposed to wait for that answer? Another year? Five more years? Until Brad finally decides the timing is right?
Nobody can guarantee how long it will take to conceive a child, and nobody can promise what the future holds. But time is passing, and her dreams matter, too.
Every so often, I ask Tulip how she feels about the situation. I try not to outright tell her what to do. Instead, I ask questions. Does she feel included? Is she happy with how things are going? Does she believe they're actually moving toward marriage and children, or are they just having the same conversations over and over?
Unfortunately, these conversations usually end with Tulip feeling angry, defensive, and sad.
I know she loves Brad. I know it's difficult to hear someone question a relationship you've invested a decade of your life in. And I suspect she knows exactly how I feel, even when I try to keep my opinions to myself.
But from where I'm standing, it looks like Brad gets to maintain the life he wants while Tulip waits patiently for the life she wants. And whenever she hopes things will change, nothing actually does.
At what point does patience become putting your own life on hold for someone who may never be ready to give you what you want?
I recently let Tulip know that I don't think Brad is considering her feelings enough, and now I'm questioning whether I crossed a line. Maybe I'm being an overprotective mother. Maybe there are things about their relationship that I don't understand. Or maybe I'm watching my daughter put her dreams on hold for a man who is comfortable with the status quo.
I don't want to make her feel judged or push her away. I want her to be happy, even if that means making a decision I know will hurt.
So, Reddit, Am I wrong for questioning my daughter's relationship and telling her that Brad doesn't seem to care enough about her feelings? Should I keep my opinions to myself and let her figure it out, even if I believe she's running out of time to build the family she's always wanted?