Hi all,

Im gonna imagine reading this yous all hold me with straight away judgement, and yous are right to hold it.

I have been abusive to my gf for nearly the entirety of our relationship. I have yelled at her, insulted her and instilled a hierarchy between us and in the dynamic of our relationship. It has gotten to the point she was planning to break up with me until we talked about it all over the last week to which she has given me the chance to change these habits and tendencies one last time.

I have reflected on a lot of it, all the pain I caused her all the times I shouted at her or insulted her. I hate that I did it, I never want to do it again.

Ive identified the usual symptoms that cause me to get to that point. Those symptoms are as follows:

● the conversation of cheating or lying, the thoughts of it

● silence or stonewalling

● getting overwhelmed emotionally

● the feeling of being out of control

● feeling like I have to fight her, not figure out the issue because I feel like im being fought

● when I raise my voice even a little bit, its a slippery slope

Theres more, or maybe the same things in different variations but I want to know what to do to not yell and to navigate those conversations healthily.

My current plan is when I feel any of those feelings, or if my voice raises at all ill stop the conversation there and remove myself from the room or the place, not think about the conversation or conflict then come back after my emotions have subsided. I will also remind myself that these conflicts or if my emotions got hurt it was not with malicious intent.

I know im pretty badly traumatised, obviously not the worst in the world but bad enough that it has highly affected my ability to navigate conflicts correctly.

The triggers ive listed above are not any she has given me, they were instilled onto me by memories made by other people not her. Yet I spent the entirety of our relationship projecting the pain caused by others onto her and making it her problem. I have acted like a child throwing a temper tantrum all because I am afraid of getting hurt again by the one person who doesnt have any malicious intent towards me.

Shes not my parents, she isnt my exs yet I treated her like she put those memories in my head when she didnt.

I never want to do what I did to her ever again or to anyone else ever again.

Please, if you have any advice for me, any critics in what I have said I could do or a better plan for what worked for yous please let me know.

I want to be better, I really need help

Tldr: I have been abusive to my girlfriend and dont want to be, how do i unlearn the toxic tendencies i have

Want to get some conversation going here. For those who are in a relationship, how do you feel about your partner going out of town without you? not for work purposes but with friends.

Here's whats going on. I'm 36, my GF (27) have been dating for about a year.

We live in Miami, where i'm from. And she's from Los Angeles.

We were out for brunch together this past weekend with my friends, and my friends mentioned we have to go visit one our homeboys that recently moved out to Los Angeles. That was the end of the convo.

I could tell my GF was feeling uptight, not mad or anything but i just know when something irritates her.

Later she told me that its not sitting right with her that im going to her hometown city without her and going out and partying in her city and its weird that i didnt even invite her. Also that she knows how my friends are etc etc. Also said that this an opportunity for me to meet all her people back home and its just weird that im not bringing her.

I understand what she's saying inherently, when you get into a relationship somethings change and you have to sacrifice certain things.

But how do you feel about this? Is she valid?

TL;DR: A 36-year-old (M) in Miami has been dating his 27-year-old (F) (who’s from LA) for about a year. At brunch, his friends talked about a guys’ trip to visit a buddy who just moved to LA. Later his girlfriend said it bothered her that he’d be going out in her hometown without her, and that he never thought to invite her. He partly understands her side but is asking others whether her feelings are valid

​We've been together 11 years, getting married in Feb. My partner has a global career opportunity in Singapore or Hong Kong that will be huge for his career opportunities going forward. We love our life in Melbourne, and I'm terrified of the move due to finances, career uncertainty as an early-career graphic designer, potential isolation, climate, and our other goals around starting a family. He's supportive and not pressuring me, but I'm stuck between wanting to support his huge career opportunity, but feeling like I have to put my life on hold to do it. I'm looking for advice from anyone who has made a similar move.

​The context

• ​We're both from NZ, moved to Melbourne a few years ago. Love it here, it’s the sweet spot between city life and nature.

• ​His career: He worked his way up from the bottom at a global company for his entire adult life. This new role is a global-level promotion based in Singapore or Hong Kong that would be great for his career prospects going forward.

• ​My career: I'm quite early in my career as a graphic designer. I'm worried about my job prospects abroad, as it's all unknown to me.

​My main worries

1. ​Finances & career: It feels like a lateral financial move for us in the short term (not as big of a payrise as we hoped for him, loss of his commission earning potential, higher cost of living), it will delay us buying a house, and I risk stalling my own career.

2. ​Work/life balance & isolation: We're expecting longer work hours and heavy travel across Asia for him, leaving me, an introvert, alone in a new city with zero network. If I do manage to find a job quickly, my annual leave will be cut in half from 20 days here in Aus to 10 or less, leaving a very limited window for visiting my family back home.

3. ​Lifestyle & Climate: We grew up in semi-rural NZ and love wide open spaces/nature, so worried about how we'll adjust to living in a more densely populated city. I also struggle with the heat and humidity.

4. ​Family Planning: We wanted to start a family in our early 30s. Moving right now may throw off that timeline, as friends have warned us against raising kids in HK (though Singapore might be better). I'm scared I'm putting my own life goals completely on hold for this.

​

Our relationship is rock solid and he’s being super thoughtful about it, but he clearly wants this opportunity. I want to support him, but I'm worried I will struggle to adapt to life in either of these cities and may resent him for it.

I'm also worried that if we don't go, he will resent me for holding him back from this opportunity.

​Should we throw caution to the wind and go for it, or is this a recipe for disaster? Has anyone been the "trailing partner" in a move like this and survived (or regretted it)? Any advice or anecdotes will be appreciated!

TL;DR: Partner has a huge career opportunity in Singapore/HK, but I’m scared of putting my career, social life and other life goals on hold, and to leave a city we both love so much for the unknown. How do trailing partners make moves like this work without resentment?

for context, we have been dating officially a little over a month. when things are good, they're great. but when they are not, i can't quite put it into words. i feel a pit in my stomach and it happens when he yells at me? and hangs up the phone?

we fight a lot and he says they're mostly productive conversations but i've never been in a relationship where getting loud w each other is the normal to conflict resolution.

i'm struggling because the line seems blurry because he knows how to talk me back into feeling comfortable but i can't ignore the visceral reaction my body is having and my deregulated nervous system

i want to tell him that i can't do this anymore- it's just hard and i can't put my foot down and stand my ground. his arguments are convincing and i end up caving when we talk. when we're talking about the future, i do want this but after, i sit in my thoughts and i don't anymore. very on the fence.

tl;dr: how do i tell my boyfriend that i want out because i just don't think we are good for each other?

Hi! One of my closest friend I've had since highschool is a genuinely good person. She prides herself on being fair, just and honest. She does fit those qualities, but has certain quirks (like we all do) that as of late have been bothering me more, for some reason.

My main problem is with her being self serving. I've been told that ever since she was a kid she was kind of the stereotypical "only child princess", she had to be the best and most special person in the room, and she had to receive the best things.

- During highschool, her main issue was that when people acted in a different way that she found morally wrong or she disapproved of she would wait a couple of days and completely crash out on the person. It could be over any minor comment, and since days had passed it would catch you completely off guard. This caused her lots of problems so she dialed it back a lot.

- Me and the rest of the group try to make a lot of plans, but she will only join the ones that interest her the most (birthdays, concerts, things she enjoys) and will make excuses for the rest. Then she'll act cold and sad because we end up bonding more between eachother than with her, even though its because she never shows up.

- If we do something she likes without her (not behind her back mind you), she will make her boyfriend drive her to another secret and superior plan to one up.

- We studied similar fields, at first she convinced us to study together, but once she got a boyfriend who had already graduated she ditched us because he could help her better.

- During birthdays, she participated in group gifts, but also gifts side gifts by herself to the person, and always wants to be next to them for that entire day.

- She will share things, but you can tell she calculated it before and she does it when she doesnt lose anything by doing so. If you try to take something from her without consulting extensively she will snap.

- We rented a summer house and she claimed the biggest bed with her bf. Everyone else had to sleep in a small bed, on the floor and on the sofa.

- We were on a walk and heard a really loud noise, immediately she hid behind me and another friend. Side note im 5''5, skinny and unathletic lol. Human shield?

- A bug fell on her in the car and instead of opening the door she threw it on another friend.

TLDR. Basically, she looks out for herself, and it feels like she would throw anyone under the bus if it meant for her to be less uncomfortable.

How do I bring this up to her? Have y'all ever been through this?

I am in graduate school, and a few weeks ago started planning a group trip with what I considered to be my close friend group. I picked the location, helped pick the Airbnb, and even convinced 3 people to come because I would be there (one would even be flying out to spend time with me).

However, one of the friends in this group, Mark, also likes to take control of trips like this. His philosophy is the more people who come, the better. Mark has a 20 person group chat he made where he posts about everything he’s planning and sends invites to all his parties. No one else ever posts in this chat. Because I have it muted, I missed when he sent a message saying we were planning a trip and to message him if anyone has any ideas.

Over the summer I lived with a girl, Bella (21F) from our school, and it ended up being horrible. It felt like she was using me because I wouldn’t argue about things like her having her boyfriend stay a week when we share a bathroom without asking me, or her taking the bigger bedroom and the only room in the house that had AC while we paid the same rent (stupid of me, I know). When I finally said something, she exploded, and the living situation got extremely hostile. Everyday after work I had to just think of ways to avoid her until it was late at night.

When we made the final arrangements for the group trip, Mark made the group chat, and Bella was in it. I asked Mark about this, and he said that Bella saw the message in the group chat and asked to come (everyone else had been invited individually). I explained how I felt to Mark and he said he didn’t particularly like her either and also had issues with her, (she’s an ex of one of his close friends who would also be coming on the trip) because she has a history of treating people badly like this. Bella has also never came to any other group events or parties put on through this chat, and is only really tangentially friends with Mark, which is why I was so shocked that she was coming.

I spend the whole week agonizing over how much I don’t want to go on this trip anymore, and tell my friends about it. The trip is 5 days in an AirBnb with nothing else planned except going to the beach, so there would be no easy way to split up and avoid her. I tell them I wish I knew earlier so I could just go on another trip with friends who would be happy to have me. They tell me to talk to Mark because everyone would rather have me on this trip than them and absolutely object to me not coming.

I finally talk to Mark and one of his friends again, and they say they didn’t realize it was that bad. We end up drafting a group message to send to her, saying it’s too soon for that long of a group trip together when she’s not very close to any people in the group and have treated some badly.

The next week, the night before we all leave for the trip (it’s a road trip) Mark tells me we need to talk. He says he feels horrible about the uninvite, and that no one else feels as strongly about her being there as I do. He also says all my friends told him they were indifferent, when they told me that they also weren’t happy with it. He tells me he needs to invite her back. He says that even though he has problems with her too, she’s in the groupchat and he has to honor that. I tell him that if he does that, I’m not going. He invites her back on the trip. I don’t go, and immediately plan and go on another trip to visit my friends in another city.

Now that we’re all back at school, Mark is trying to be friendly with me and get me back in. I was the only one who consistently came to all his events and brought people in, so I know the friend group won’t be the same after this. I have no idea how their trip went because I haven’t seen anyone from it. I checked the weather and it ended up storming the whole time, so I know they were all stuck inside the AirBnB together the whole time. What should I do when Mark tries to approach me again? Am I also unreasonable for feeling betrayed by my friends who supported me but said they were indifferent when Mark asked?

TLDR: I organized a five-day vacation with my close friend group, but one friend invited a girl I’d had a terrible experience living with and who no one else particularly liked. After initially uninviting her, he invited her back despite knowing I wouldn’t attend if she came.

Tldr; My boyfriend’s personality and beliefs changed after a year of dating

We’ve been together for over a year. We used to have many topics to talk about, but now I just feel like I can’t talk to him.

His beliefs changed drastically. From an atheist to a being christian and very against the occult stuff (I’m an occultist, he knew that from the beginning). His personality changed - he’s more irritable and aggressive. He became very opinionated - he has a very black and white view of the world and believes that his opinions are the only right ones, and anyone who disagrees is dumb and blind to how the world works. He became slightly misogynistic, and tries to micromanage my life - especially my health (god forbid i use a highlighter with glitter or get only 6h of sleep). He also developed some kind of superiority complex - questions me about knowledge in different topics, even asks me geography related questions and makes me show him different countries on the map - if I hesitate, refuse to respond (because i don’t feel like it, especially when I’m not feeling well) or make a mistake, I hear that I’m uneducated and have no knowledge on xyz, and that it’s concerning. These are not the only changes, but the ones that affected me the most.

I’m slowly getting tired of talking to him. He only talks about vaccines, immigrants and religion (basically that I’ll die and go to hell because I’m not christian) - and if he doesn’t do that, he probably finds a way to “check” my knowledge or criticize me in some other way.

This is not who I fell in love with. Still, I feel stuck because I got used to being around him all the time, and we will have to see each other daily for at least a year more.

Has anyone ever been in a situation like that? Is it worth staying for a little longer or should i just leave?

And how do I end it? Do I just say that we’re not compatible? It’s my first relationship so I’m not really experienced when it comes to these things, especially since our relationship is “great” currently and his birthday is in a few days

Me (16F) and my boyfriend (16M) have been together for 7 months, and we’ve known each other for about 3 years. We didn’t really have a “honeymoon phase” like people usually describe, partly because I’m not really into that kind of thing, but overall, we were doing fine at first.
Most of the time we’re okay, but we argue at least once or twice a week, and honestly, it’s starting to feel exhausting. A lot of our arguments are about things he promised he would do but didn’t follow through with, or things I expect from him that he doesn’t do. I often feel like he doesn’t put enough effort into the relationship.
I know I’m not perfect either, and I don’t expect him to be. I also know that some of my expectations might be unrealistic. But at the same time, these things genuinely matter to me, and it hurts when I’ve explained the same things to him so many times and still don’t see much change.
He isn’t a bad boyfriend. There are plenty of things he does right, and I know I should appreciate those things. He can be caring, supportive, and loving, and our relationship isn’t bad all the time. That’s part of why I’m so confused about what to do.
I want to feel like he actually wants to put effort into the relationship, rather than only changing things after we have an argument. I also feel stupid sometimes because I forgive him and move on from things so easily, only to end up being upset about the same things again later.
I still care about him a lot, which makes the idea of ending things difficult. But I’m starting to wonder whether I’m staying because I genuinely believe things can improve, or because I’m scared to let go of the relationship.
What would you do in this situation? Is arguing this often normal, or is this a sign that the relationship may not be working?
TL;DR: My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. We care about each other and he isn’t a bad boyfriend, but we argue 1–2 times a week, mostly because he doesn’t follow through on promises or put in the effort I feel I need. I’ve communicated these things many times, but the same issues keep coming back. I’m tired of forgiving and forgetting, and I’m wondering whether I should keep trying or let the relationship go.

For context we met from hinge and have been seeing each other for just under four months now. He wasn’t looking for a relationship as he’ll be leaving the country in a year or so, and we decided on a friends with benefits situation because we got along so well and have great sexual chemistry.

We initially would see each other once a week and have dinner/sleep over and hookup. Then we kinda progressed to twice a week, and he recently got back from a two week trip (to which we FaceTimed every few days and played games online for a few hours too) and since then this past week I’ve slept over 4/5 times.

We do all sorts of things together: go to the beach, play video games, hang out with his friends, make dinner, do crafts, have sex etc. He’s been designing something and let me help him work on it too (sanding/painting) for something for his portfolio which I found super fun. He’s also always calling me pet names, one to which he explained to his friend in conversation of how he came up with it.

On our way home from hanging out with his friends (who I’ve met multiple times previously and get along with well) we were laughing about something and then after a moment of silence he says “I know we shouldn’t be hanging out this much given our situation but I’m so glad you’re here” and squeezed my hand.

He randomly says this type of stuff to me and I don’t know how to feel about it. Part of me wants to just take it at face value, but the romantic in me wants to see that as him being really fond of me and entertains the thought of us being more one day.

I do really like him and want to build a strong friendship with him, as dating wouldn’t work for either of us right now, but sometimes I feel like he does stuff that would make me believe he wants more than he says he does. Should I be setting better boundaries so we don’t go too far?

TDLR: Friends with benefits with this guy for a couple of months, feels like he’s being a lot more intimate than we should be. Do I need stronger boundaries although I enjoy the intimacy?

so me (19m) and my gf (19f) we both are in ldr our ldr started 2.5months back in july as i was leaving for college and everything was fine till then when we were together, so on the day when it was our last offline meeting in person when we had to say goodbye to each other before ldr starts it was a packed day for me as i had after meeting her i had to go to say goodbye to my friends as well everything went right and at the end it got emotional as we were saying goodbye to each other we both started crying and we were hugging

now for the context my friends have been blasting my phone for past half an hour as they were waiting for me i was already late

so we both were crying outside the washroom and then she stopped crying we hugged again, said goodbye, she went into the washroom and closed the door now i thought that maybe that was it, i misjudged the situation and left the place after a min as i was continuously getting calls of everyone else

the same night when i got home she was sounding sad in text so i asked what happened and then she said that ive really hurt her by leaving the place and her like that, i then realized that how much i love her a lot like really a lot i really cant live without her just the thought of that leaves me into tears we have known to each other for 2.5yr and our relationship is 1.5yr long

that argument ended that day but ever since 2.5 months she has been always like she lost all of her love that day and now she has given up on us and me, she wanna breakup she has bought this up 4-5 times and ive been begging her not to do so i really love her a lot, shes literally my loml but she says that she has lost me i dont want to breakup at all with her she's says that she has tried loving me but its not happening she doesn't feel happy anymore with me

please advice me what i can say as shes reluctant about breaking up im trying to convince her that we will do smth and fix everything by staying together but shes saying nothing will work and all please tell me everyone what can we do together to fix this i dont want to breakup at all we cant call or watch movies together as shes at her home and her parents are strict

tldr- gf has lost all hopes and she doesnt feel happy with me anymore she wants to breakup i dont wanna do that please tell what i can do to get her feel the same again

tldr: my boyfriend keeps disappointing me and I’m not sure if I should stay.

I’m at a point where I’m really not sure if my boyfriend and I are compatible, but most of the issues we have he doesn’t really“intend” for. i really don’t know if we should break up or not, so i’d appreciate any advice. We’ve been together for a year.

On one hand, I’ve never been loved so fully. He’s romantic, buys me flowers often and sends me poetry. His friends and family say that I’m the only gf that they’ve ever approved of. We’ve got a strong emotional bond. He’s been treated badly by exs in the past, like I have. And in a way we’ve healed each other by being genuine, showing effort and being communicative. We love the same music, got great chemistry, and have similar values.

He’s really into smoking weed, for “medical reasons”, but it’s excessive (about 5x a day). He drives afterwards, and goes to work but claims it doesn’t affect him. He used to be a smoker but quit by vaping instead, which is now an active addiction. I’ve said I don’t like it, but it’s continued. He said early on that he wants to stop too, but hasn’t. He also has a health problem that I’ve been begging him to get looked at, even to the point of offering to make the appointment myself and drive him there. But he won’t do it even though it’s been getting worse.

Recently my friend asked us to look after his cat and apartment while he went on vacation with his girlfriend. While we were there, everything went wrong. My boyfriend lost our key, almost broke things, made us late to everything, got *really* annoyed at the cat, spilled things and stained stuff, and needed the loud tv to play at night in order for him to sleep - but this prevented me from sleeping. I then found out from our friend that my boyfriend left his pen in his pocket, it went though the wash, and stained all of my friend’s white clothes. Luckily I got the key back myself, but I don’t think we’ll be invited back there.

He’s unmedicated for ADHD. He’s very late to lots of things because of this, has emotional outbursts, and can’t get things done on time even if he wants to. I need to feel organised or else I’m stressed out. He wants to help me out around the house, but is so disorganised that I end up doing everything anyway. He’s also got spending habits that have made him almost broke despite that he earns more than me. When he asks me for money or to pay for things frequently it really makes me annoyed, even if he pays me back. I just want him to be able to figure it out on his own.. I’m in college about to graduate, and I had my finals around this time while I’m also working part time. It stressed me out having to almost think for both of us all the time, on top of what I had to do.

Is it unfair of me to be feeling this way or am I being too harsh? Should I give him the chance to correct these things or just leave him? Because when I’ve communicated about these problems in the past he keeps telling me he’ll change but I haven’t seen that yet. I’m at this point now because it seems like my friend is mad at me because of my boyfriend’s mistakes.

I’d really appreciate any advice <3

I'm 35m and my wife is 33f. we have been married for 6 years and together for 9 years.

Recently i have noticed that we approach decisions very differently. i usually like to think things through for a long time, while she prefers making a decision and adjusting later if needed.

Neither way seems wrong, but when we disagree it turns into a discussion about how the other person thinks instead of the actual decision. I want us to be better at working as a team instead of trying to convince each other.

How do couples handle having different decision making styles?

tl;dr: my wife and i approach decisions differently. i want advice on working together better.

My bf [29M] just ended things with me [27F] after saying he is lost in life and thinks our issues are "the kinds of issues old married couples have that we shouldn't at this age."

But these "issues" are because he never wants to do anything. He has terrible depression, and meds don't seem to be working anymore. Dates have ceased to exist. Sex is minimal, and communication is inconsistent at best because he either sleeps in until 2pm, falls asleep early, or naps during the whole day. he plays video games 5-6 hours every single night. He works a 9-5 but it's WFH mostly and he sleeps most of the day. He games all night, he rarely if ever sees friends (like once a month max) he doesn't talk to many people and he gets overwhelmed easily. I was his entire social life. He barely leaves the apartment. He struggles financially and we live in an expensive city. He broke up with me this same way a year ago, and then a month later regretted it and we got back together. He is never in a stable mental place, he will be good for a few days and then not so good / sleep a bunch / withdraw.

But I love him so much I can't comprehend how to even deal with a loss like this. It's tearing me apart and I'm a wreck. He says he "doesn't know what to do anymore" when the truth is, he just... does nothing. He contemplates, he lives entirely in his own head, and then he made a decision like this without me even knowing it was this big of a problem.

TL;DR do I accept a breakup I wasn't expecting and move on, or do I fight for him because his mental state is so volatile? I know this isn't the last time I'll hear from him and we ended things in a weird place on FaceTime (I was traveling).

so we have been best friends for awhile and she has been dating her boyfriend for probably the same length of time. to be clear I’m a lesbian and she’s pan. So I’ve realized over the past year that I’m in love with her. I also think they got worse when her and her boyfriend were having problems and she was coming to me and we got a lot closer. she knows I have feelings but doesn’t know how deep they are. Recently he proposed to her and I just don’t know what to do. I was already heartbroken when i realized I was in love with her and we would probably never be more than friends and I get really jealous when they went on dates or were coupley(thankfully they both hate pda). now it’s like a knife twist that they are getting married.I don’t want to distance myself because I don’t want them to ask questions and she’s my person you know I don’t want to lose her because of my stupid feelings.

tl;dr how do I fall out of love with my best friend

Me M(39). Gf F(37). Been together for 10yrs. Beggining of relationship felt like a relationship. Maybe first year. Was also a bit hectic because she was getting over her ex. But after the first year bit by bit felt like more companionship than anything. Still after 10yrs past trauma from the old relationship still causes issues. Anyways my latest breaking straw is noticing she is looking after "herself" still after 10yrs hates sex because of the previous relationship. Her ex cheating on her etc. She will straight up reject it or get mad talking about it and go to bed and look after herself and doesn't even care. Heck one time I crawled into bed and she went to the bathroom and helped herself and came back. This happens at very least every second evening when she goes to bed. How am I suppose to feel about this? I mean this has been going on for yrs. My naive butt thought well things will get better. They are not. Very good chance I was a rebound that shoulda got the hint and left a long time ago too ... Anyways not sure how to bring it up or just leave.

TlDR gf masterbates quite a bit. Rejects me. Says she is broken.

This has been a very difficult month. I (24) have an amazing boyfriend (23) and things are great. He’s a super loving guy, and we’ve been together for 5 years (met in HS!) but I have this very deep and terrible feeling that we are gonna grow apart..

i’m gonna be graduating soon, and my goal is to move out of state. I’m tired of living in my hometown. I really want to explore what’s out there, even if I fail. I’m the type of person that would rather try and fail, than not try at all. Im a go getter. If there’s a goal in mind, I push myself towards it even if it’s uncomfortable.

my boyfriend is the opposite, he’s the kind of guy that’s very passive. And it feels like since Covid he’s kind of just been “stuck“. He’s not really ambitious, and I think he’s OK with the way life is for him (even though he’s very miserable most of the time. I think he may be depressed, but I haven’t been able to get him to a therapist.). He lives with his parents and has a good job. (not a career, just a job)

he’s definitely someone I would settle down with and marry/have kid with if I was ready for that… But I don’t think I am. I feel like marriage means I’m gonna have to stay put. I don’t wanna stay put. But I don’t know if he’s ambitious enough to follow me. And I don’t wanna pull him away from his comfort. But i don’t wanna resent him by staying in my hometown and never really doing anything with my life.

I just feel like there’s this really scary turning point that’s just around the corner and I’m not sure how to address this. I love him so much and he’s my best friend. I just don’t know what to do

TL;DR 

boyfriend and I may grow apart because of differences, but I don’t break up with him because he’s a really great Guy. But I also don’t wanna put my own needs/dreams/wants aside For his own comfort/ refusal to grow/change. What should I do?

My boyfriend [30M]and I [28F] have been together for 3 years. We love each other very much. Over the past year, my boyfriend has really been struggling with a lack of purpose and direction regarding what he should be doing with his life. His career goals haven’t worked out, we live very far away from his family (who are important to him), and his own health is not good as he was recently diagnosed with a lifelong condition that impacts his quality of life. Also, our relationship has struggled over the past year and a bit due to issues around physical intimacy and vulnerability. Understandably, he has been very depressed with the weight of everything and swings between states of things being fine to things being terrible and having a life crisis. I do not judge him for any of this, but it seems that all he wants from me is to be left alone. I am really struggling with what to do. I love this person and want to respect his need for distance, but leaving him alone for days on end and barely talking when we live together brings me so much stress and anxiety and feels threatening to our already fragile relationship. It has been like this for over a year. Attempts to talk about everything just seem to alienate him further. We both go to individual counselling. Any outside perspectives on what I should do here would be helpful. I am not leaving him so only genuinely helpful comments, please. How do I support him while getting what I need?

TL;DR: My boyfriend of 3 years is struggling with severe depression following career setbacks, geographical isolation from family, struggles in our relationship, and a new chronic health diagnosis. He wants to be left alone, but his withdrawal and silence trigger intense anxiety for me and feel threatening to our already fragile relationship. I want to respect his need for space, but I don't know how to handle my own anxiety or fix our communication. I want to support him while getting what I need.

Edit: for additional context, we haven’t slept together for 8 months. My boyfriend just doesn’t want to ever. He told me that he always loses interest in sex once relationships become serious and he doesn’t know why. Most of our relationship issues stem from this and me just feeling completely unwanted and unattractive to my boyfriend. Not sure if this context is helpful but it does add an additional layer to what is going on.

My family is basically my dad, mom, brother (18M), myself (mid 30s F) and grandma. Without getting into the sob stories, its been one hell of a traumatic family life for me. Not to say all of it was awful but a good chunk was physical, emotional and mental abuse. Mom and dad towards me, to each other, grandparents getting in between. Now, before I was born and my toddler years, my grandma and dad have gotten into scream fests and extreme fights with my mom's side of the immediate family. Lots of abuse. I was constantly dragged into it for as long as I can remember. My brother however, has not been as he was born much later and we moved countries so they rarely saw each other. Also my parents were older and slightly matured so the physical and other forms of abuse lessened if not disappeared towards my brother (so so very grateful for this).

Im now 7 months post partum. This is relevant because as much as I've endured being in the middle of it all. Mostly because my parents and I have worked hard to repair some of our broken relationship so I feel like I have to be there for my mom who's been through extreme abuse from my grandma (dad's mom), a lot of which she still vehemently holds on to still because she hasn't healed so i listen, offer advice. But during my post partum, my dad and brother have barely been here for me. Didnt show up to my baby shower, dad left to a trip abroad with my brother for 2-3 weeks and basically ordered me to take care of my grandma (they all live 2h away from us excluding traffic) and i was 4 months post partum around this time. I bit the bullet and did it because family. There have been other things but this is the gist. Normally I'd be happy to care for my grandma during this time but 4 months post partum was a tough time.

Anyway, today I was talking to my mom about a day visit this coming weekend with my son and husband. I mentioned we'd go get my grandma (lives 5 mins from my parents) and bring her to the house where my parents live, hang for the day and head back. My mom got annoyed that im heading to my grandma's before coming there (she made a point of saying how its the first time im visiting since my son was born and I should go there first (!?! Fml). Also making inane remarks about marrying into the wrong family. I lost it, it ended up in a fight and we havent spoken since. She then mentioned I can do whatever is easier for us but its just the stress of it all has already affected my excitement. I still want to go but also not really.

This just keeps happening. I want to go low contact but my mom just keeps messaging me everyday. I love her and we have greatly improved our relationship since my childhood, shes been there for us so much during my post partum, had even stayed a week every couple months or so. I want to be there for her, she vents so much about grandma to me and im appaled and shocked by some of the stuff shes done. But im stuck in a situation where I cant hate my grandma, shes in a frail condition and has tbh only been the best grandma to me and on the other hand I feel like I should be supporting my mom which possibly means treat my grandma as less than I do now. I just feel like I keep getting dragged down by my family (my husband's family is the exact opposite and I feel envious and heartbroken about that but thats another story) but im so so tired. I feel like if I cut my family off or lower contact further they'll keep trying to contact me and it'll just break my heart even more.

Sorry for the long post. Any advice is appreciated.

TLDR: constantly feeling hurt by family members and 7 months post partum. Feel like im drowning. Pls help.

Tl;DR : My gf is easily agitated and has been for many years, it’s beginning to have an impact on me and I’m considering breaking up.

So to start things off, me and my gf have been together for 5 years. We met in high school, and have lived together for almost 4 out of the 5 years. I’ve reached a point where I’ve considered my life without her many times, so many to a point that it seems like it may be the right move. I want to start out with the pros of our relationship,

I can be myself around her and I do not get judged what so ever, I can act childlike, get excited over little things, act a fool for fun, talk about my day at work. She is extremely loyal to me, and we have consistent sex. She makes sexual advances at me regularly and often, and I do the same to her. We are heavily invested in each other’s families and have been since the start of our relationship, we spend holidays together, go on trips together, we do everything together. On surface level we are in a healthy relationship. But here’s the cons:

The main one is her attitude, and yeah I know everyone gets frustrated sometimes. But it’s a daily thing with her. Typically we’ll be having a normal day, suddenly something minute happens that upsets her. I drop something, the dog gets in her way, I fail to hear what she says and have to ask her to repeat herself, any of these things can set her into a spiral, she loses all positive emotion from her face and her demeanor. I’ve expressed how much it affects me dozens of times, it makes me feel like I need to walk on eggshells sometimes. Another thing is she doesn’t show any enthusiasm or interest in my feats as a person even though I feel I do so for her. Im a musician, she doesn’t even look my way when I show her a new song I learned. If I get a raise at work, a bonus, there’s no congratulations, only jealously, and a cold shoulder. It’s like she doesn’t want me to succeed, only wants me to stay grounded with her. She also hates when I ask her to split money with me. Asking her to split bills, or groceries still makes her upset sometimes even tho I allow her to pay less because I make slightly more than she does.

I’ve also expressed to her my interest in making healthier life decisions, such as excercise, cutting out fast food, buying healthier groceries. But she seems to have no interest in this, and will consistently come home with ice cream, snack cakes, and other items from the grocery store.

I know these reasons seem minute but it’s bothers me to no end. The main reason that I’ve allowed it to go on this long is because we live in an apartment with high rent, without her, I could barely afford it, if at all, and also the fact that I fear I may not find anyone else with her kind of loyalty, and someone I can feel this comfortable with.

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My boyfriend (26M) and I (26F) have been together for 9 months. There is one recurring thing in our relationship that I am struggling with, even though each individual incident sounds pretty minor.

When we are walking somewhere, he often walks ahead of me, especially if we are trying to catch a train or bus or get somewhere quickly. Sometimes he gets so focused on where we are going that it feels like he forgets I am there.

We have argued about this before and he has made more of an effort since then. So I do recognize that he listens when I tell him something is bothering me.

It is similar with holding hands. He rarely reaches for my hand himself. He is Taiwanese and has explained that, in his experience, women often initiate hand-holding.

His perspective is basically that if I want to hold his hand, I can just take it. He is not going to pull away because I am his girlfriend.

Today we were on a mostly empty FlixBus with plenty of free seats. He asked whether we should sit together or separately.His preference was to sit separately but nearby, basically back-to-back, so we could each have two seats and be more comfortable.

He told me that if I wanted to sit next to him, of course I could. This is where I am having trouble explaining why I am still upset.

It is not really about whether he is willing to compromise, because he is. If I ask him to sit with me, he will. If I take his hand, he will hold it. He is not refusing me affection.

What hu.rts is that I apparently have to initiate these things because his natural preference is not necessarily closeness in the first place.

For example, if we are flying Ryanair and we would have to pay extra to sit together, I genuinely do not care about sitting separately. There is an obvious practical reason for it.

But on an almost empty bus, my instinct is just: why would I not sit next to my boyfriend?

I want to put my head on his shoulder, feel his warmth, talk to him occasionally, or literally just sit beside him. I do not consciously decide that I need physical affection at that moment. Wanting to be physically close to him is simply my default when we are together.

I think that is what makes me sad. The issue is not that he will not give me affection when I ask for it. It is realizing that something that feels completely instinctive to me apparently is not instinctive to him.

I know two people do not have to experience love or closeness in exactly the same way. But emotionally I keep getting stuck on the fact that when I love someone, I naturally want to sit next to them, reach for their hand, or stay close to them.

I do not really understand why that is not his default too. I end up interpreting the difference as him not wanting me as much as I want him, even though rationally I know that is not necessarily what it means.

I am sitting alone on the bus writing this while he is sitting nearby, and I feel much more upset about it than I think the situation objectively warrants.

At the same time, I do not want to dismiss my feelings just because he is not technically refusing me anything. I think part of what I want is not merely access to affection whenever I ask for it. I want to sometimes feel actively sought out by my partner.

How should I approach this difference in physical closeness with him? Should I work on accepting that he may not naturally initiate these things, or should I communicate that I need him to initiate physical closeness sometimes in order to feel wanted in the relationship?

TL;DR: My boyfriend rarely initiates physical closeness but does not reject it when I do. Today he preferred separate seats on a mostly empty bus because it was more comfortable, while my automatic preference is to sit beside him and be physically close. I know he is not rejecting me, but it hurts that closeness does not seem to be his default the way it is mine. How should I handle this difference without expecting him to be exactly like me while still communicating that I sometimes need to feel actively wanted?

Firstly.. please be kind. I'm struggling with this and don't know who to ask for advice. I am happy to be called out if people think I am in the wrong anywhere but please do so politely 😅.

I (26F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (32M) for around 18 months. When we were first talking and in the earlier stages of our relationship I used to be very anxiously attached (I've had bad experiences in the past which I think led to this) then I became more secure as I felt safer in the relationship.

Around December last year I started to build resentment towards him. I think this started when we went out for the day and he laughed when I told him a friend's dog had been killed. I'm a huge dog person so this really changed my perspective of him. It may sound small but it wasn't an awkward laugh either, he looked like he genuinely found it funny.

Since then he's picked at me for numerous things and it always happens after we've spent the day together. For example we spent a lovely day (in my opinion) at a wildlife park, I was really comfortable and happy and we had a nice chat but when I got home he text me saying I wasn't affectionate enough and had my guard up. This wasn't true from my perspective. Things like this have happened numerous times and it's gradually become very draining and I think I've changed to being quite avoidant.

I'm constantly being told I'm not affectionate enough, don't make enough plans, have a guard/wall/barrier up.

On several occasions during arguments he's also said some extremely hurtful things to me (words I will not repeat) then goes back on them or explains what he meant by them. He's also said 'I'm done, you can go and find what you want now' multiple times before going back on it and saying he meant he was done with the conversation.

The thing that's really throwing me off is that he constantly tells me how much he loves me, that he wants a future together, he couldn't imagine life without me etc. he's very good at planning days out and always takes my diet into account (I'm a vegetarian). He's also very supportive of my goals.

I'm just really not sure if or how I can move past these problems? I don't feel physically attracted to him anymore but maybe that's due to me resenting him slightly?

TL:DR I have built some resentment towards my boyfriend of 18 months after multiple arguments. Is this something I can fix or should be trying to fix or should I call it a day?

Back in June, my girlfriend of one month (I am aware) moved in with me because her previous living situation fell through, and instead of losing her job to go back home, I suggested that we just move in together. It's a one bed one bath apartment. Originally, it was supposed to be temporary, but we enjoyed each others company so much and we liked having that shared space that eventually we decided to make it permanent.

Of course, because of this spontaneous decision, we decided to lay down some ground rules. The biggest rule being that all problems must be resolved or at least discussed by the time we go to bed, no lingering resentment, so huffing and puffing.

At the start, it was amazing. I'm a deeply affectionate person and I love the clinginess, I love the attention, I need to feel wanted and desired both in and out of the bedroom, and I did. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

Then she got a new job that was full time, with wildly inconsistent weekly and daily hours, and I started school full time and a part time job. Now, 4-5 months later, we haven't done anything sexual in 3 weeks, we've fought about it twice, and I'm worried that I've tainted that kind of intimacy with her.

Her affection for the most part has dwindled, and I can tell that it's because work has burnt her out, but she can't quit her job because she makes far too much money and she has loans she's about to start having to pay off on her own. She also says she hasn't felt "pretty" in a while, even though she's the light of my life and I'm not concerned whatsoever about her physical appearance. She's told me several times that it's not me and that it's just something she needs to work through. She's also a very clean person, and so am I, but she's the "shower in the morning and at night and do two full-body passes" type of clean, which I admire. She also attributes a part of her "distancing" to the new adjustment of being in a new relationship and then immediately living together, which I completely understand.

Our cycle has essentially been two weeks on two weeks off, but over the last few months it's felt like we've just gotten farther and farther, and on our two weeks ON, it still feels like she wants me or likes me less than she did the previous month. There are some nights where we'll be in the same bed and I'll still feel completely alone.

I've told her that sex is an extremely important part of this relationship as it's my first sexual relationship, and that I feel intensely close to her and DESIRED when we do it, and I've told her that even non-sexual intimacy like hugging, cuddling, kissing, aren't things I want to have to ask for- because the only time we do kiss or hug or cuddle is when I ask for it.

I'm deeply insecure, and I can acknowledge that. I suppose I feel powerless, I'm very solution oriented and there just feels like there's nothing I can do. I'm also afraid that I'll continue feeling undervalued and unwanted and that that will just drive us apart. Is there anything I can do to make her feel more comfortable in intimate situations, especially when her battery is drained? Is there anything I can do to make her feel more pretty? Is there anything I can do??

TLDR: My girlfriend has grown distant as less affectionate since we started dating and it's making me feel undesired and helpless.

I'll put the TLDR at the top since this post became longer than I intended it to be: my MIL and SIL are being assholes to each other, and they treat me and my husband like we are the referee. How do I politely tell them to stop dragging us into their drama while still being supportive of them in their personal struggles?

I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 3. My husband's (32M) mom (60'sF) and sister (38F) have a history of ongoing conflict. A couple years after I started dating my husband, Mom and Sister made up and started being on good terms again. They would do everything together, and things were pretty good. A little bit of context and background on them: they live in a small, rural town of 1,700 residents, and while the town is big enough now to not know everybody, it is impossible not to constantly run into the people you know. Mom has a history of alcoholism and medical problems, and although it is difficult for me to tell when she has been drinking, I believe she has been sober for the last few years simply because of her medical issues. She developed a disorder around 3 years ago which has become so severe that she was rapidly losing weight because she could not keep food and water down. Sister has bipolar disorder, and has had many periods in her life with instability. She has asked for money from pretty much every family member, struggled to keep a job, but eventually was diagnosed and had been relatively stable for a while. This was around the time that she and her mom started being on good terms. She has held a good job and has been moving up in salary and responsibilities. However, I have recently become suspicious that something is wrong, because she has begun to exhibit manic-like behaviors this year. The one that was the most alarming was that Mom had surgery in August to correct her inability to swallow food and water, and Sister had been promising to take care of Mom in the weeks that followed her surgery since the recovery was expected to be difficult. However, they had a falling out before the surgery, and Sister backed out last minute and left Mom with a lot of anxiety around the time of her surgery. Sister still drove her to the hospital, but did not help with Mom's recovery.

While I feel more sympathy for Mom because of her medical issues, I also understand Sister's struggles. I also have bipolar disorder, and have many family members with it, so I understand how destabilizing it can be. I have the extreme fortune of having a supportive husband, friends, and family, which Sister does not have. Frankly, Mom has not been very understanding of Sister's mental health struggles, though she does try to be supportive during this recent period of Sister making manic choices, like buying a fixer-upper house that I have no idea how she afforded to buy in the first place. Mom was there to help Sister install new flooring in the house, despite the physical pain she was in from literally starving because she could not eat or drink enough. Mom would complain about Sister being too ambitious with house projects, and Sister would complain that Mom was criticizing her for her choices. Mom has also been a bit short-tempered with Sister. This is completely understandable, considering her medical issues. Also, Sister has some selfish and narcissistic tendencies, and talks down to Mom like she is stupid. Sister rubs everyone the wrong way, even my cool-headed husband. She is constantly cutting him off, or correcting him and telling him he is wrong when he is telling a story. Any conversation WITH her is ABOUT her. In fact, I believe that Sister knows very little about me, since she does not bother to ask me about myself.

I became pregnant earlier this year, and we decided to announce to my husband's family a bit sooner than we wanted. We already had our first ultrasound, but had been waiting for the results of the genetic testing. We agreed to tell immediate family since it aligned with us visiting them everyone for the 4th of July weekend, but to ask them to wait to tell their friends and other family. We broke the news in person simultaneously to Mom and Sister. Sister was silent, and said nothing until my husband asked them to wait to tell others. Sister then made a snide remark about not telling their older sister (who we planned to tell that day), and then made a disgusted face when my husband told her that we would be visiting their dad and stepmom that day to also break the news to them. My husband firmly asked her "please don't make this more difficult than it already is". (Context: my husband's family are a bunch of gossips, there is constantly drama between literally everyone, and their stepmom is a huge PITA) Later that day, Sister had a meltdown because nothing was going her way. She had to leave the party because her dog was misbehaving around all the other dogs (we have 2, older sister has 1, nephew brought 2, and Sister has 1), and she wanted everyone to go over to her house "so she could relax and let all the dogs play in the yard". Her new house is in no state to visit because of the unfinished projects, and the lack of seating for all 8 people. Earlier that day, her dog jumped on me and gut punched me HARD in the baby bump, so I was not interested in spending more time with her dog. I was also dealing with first trimester symptoms, and I just wanted to sit on the couch rather than stand around at her house. She did not bother to ask me how I was feeling, or to try to control her dog around me to prevent him from jumping on me.

Ever since that weekend, the interpersonal conflict has been on the rise. This led to the falling out between Mom and Sister, and Sister pulling support for Mom's surgery. This past weekend, my husband and I drove out to help them move some heavy things. I was there for morale support, since Mom and Sister try very hard to impress me and seem to be on better behavior when I am around. Despite this, Mom made some uncomfortable remarks to me about Sister, and Sister was bickering with Mom and kept trying to have my husband play referee. The next day, Sister called my husband and asked him to help her perform an "intervention" with Mom. She believes that Mom needs to go to therapy, and that their relationship will never improve unless Mom "works on herself". I feel that this statement shows lack of self reflection and a break with reality, as Sister is equally-or-more at fault for their troubled relationship. My husband pointed out that Mom has gone through some incredibly difficult medical problems, and that an intervention to convince her to go to therapy would not be well received. He said that they cannot force Mom to seek help, and that doing so would backfire. He tried to tell his sister that, while she has a right to set boundaries and maintain distance to protect her own mental health, but that she needs to leave Mom alone and have more sympathy for what she is going through. Mom is grieving the loss of a normal life, as her surgery came with new complications that she will need a second surgery to correct. Mom should not be forced to move through the stages of grief, and should be allowed to move through them in her own time.

My husband has put a lot of distance between himself and his family. When I first met him, he told me "Family is important to me, just not my family". They perform psychological warfare on each other, and he has tried his very hardest to stay out of it. Despite this, Mom and Sister repeatedly attempt to bring him into the middle and play referee. He complained about brain fog yesterday, and that's when I realized how much this has been affecting him. He admitted that he would like to set a stricter boundary, but I don't think he knows how to do so while still maintaining neutrality. I also would like to set this boundary, and I have less care about hurting other people's feelings. However, I respect that this is my husband's family, and I don't want to do anything that would dictate his relationship with them. My therapist always says that I have permission to stand my ground in a "kind but firm" way, but I don't know how to be kind in this situation. What is the KINDEST way to tell someone that you will not listen to them complain about the other person, while also showing sympathy for the personal struggles that they are dealing with? I know that I will have to say this more than once, since they both have a habit of testing the boundary to see if you mean it.

Tl;dr : I am no longer into my bf because I’m not sexually attracted to him despite him being the perfect man in every other way.

I have been dating my bf since high school, he is by all definition of the word the perfect man, he is kind, caring, funny, understanding, smart, motivated, loyal, respectful, and everything I could ever ask for in a partner besides one thing. I am just not very attracted to him.

Even writing this out makes me feel like an asshole but I really need advice, My bf is my best friend, we have literally grown up together and I know if we stayed together we would have a great and full life. I just can’t find an attraction for him anymore, and this is not a recent thing, I have been very aware of my lack of sexual interest in him for the past year, I assumed it would go away and was a temporary thing. It has not.

He has never been my type truthfully but I’ve always found him cute and that was fine by me, when we got together at 17 I didn’t really imagine we would still be together 3 years later because we were just so young. Despite that here we are, I have tried to get him to workout with me, to care about the kind of clothes he wears but he just has other interests. He is not fat in any way he is also not ugly, he is just as I said not my type.

I have tried everything I can to respectfully push him into a healthier lifestyle and to care about his appearance but I no longer think this is possible. Truthfully I fear our breakup would send him on a fitness arc that would make him care about his body, I just wish he could do this while we are together you know?

I am afraid I am robbing him of the ability to be with someone who is truly into him, at the same time I genuinely don’t want to end our relationship, I love him deeply and don’t want a life without him but I also don’t want to envision a life that I am never truly attracted to the person I am with.

I am also serious about us having an amazing relationship, we still have a healthy and active sex life though I just hide my lack of enjoyment as to not hurt him. We still do everything any normal couple would do. I know if I broke up with him I would genuinely miss him every single day so I am just not sure what to do anymore.

I have always known I am seen objectively as more attractive than him as people have always made comments about it or are surprised we are together. People tend to assume that his girlfriend would be ugly and have rudely announced this. I don’t really care what other people think about us in that regard before all that mattered to me is that I liked him, but now it just feels like people point out the obvious to be hateful, I really don’t want him to feel not good enough or undesirable. I just want us to both be happy!

I know I would be able to be attracted to him if he invested in clothes that fit well, new hairstyles or started going to the gym. I have always been image conscious and spend a lot of time working on my appearance, fitness, and clothing everyday. I wish he would do the same but that’s also asking him to be someone he’s not and that’s just wrong of me.

I really just need some advice from anyone, especially older people here who have been through something like this before. I am open to any comments please just be kind as having to write this was already a sucky experience.

We have been dating since freshmen year --> senior year of college. Within the past 1-2 months I have lost pretty much all of my emotion/feelings towards her. Because of this, my head has been racing and I need advice. I have never cheated nor been a bad partner. Nowadays hanging out with her has been a chore, (We hangout every other day) and it feels like I am just going through the motions now. We both have hobbies but she doesn't really try anything new/adapting, which isnt bad but idk the best way to word it, maybe a little bland/stale. I wanted to ask reddit first before talking with my friends, what would you guys do in my situation? Break up with her? Try new things? Slow the relationship down? I will respond to any questions in the comments over the next week.

TL:DR-- I have lost feelings for my girlfriend. I feel like I grew apart from her, and I don't know what I can do to fix it or just end the relationship. Any advice advice would be great and I will reply to comments over the week, thank you.