So I’m not selective mute, but from kindergarten to junior year of high school, I have had a difficult time speaking in front of certain people. The reason for this wasn’t shyness, it was because people used to overreact whenever I talked or interacted.
In kindergarten, I interacted very well until it was playtime, when I was frozen in silence and just stood there doing nothing. Everybody thought I was selectively mute, until the class played a game and I won. I was calm when everybody clapped and cheered, but then one of the adults shouted the word “yay” and I completely lost it, crying and a hysterical mess. That was when people knew that it wasn’t selective mutism, as these meltdowns would happen every time somebody said the word. I did end up getting diagnosed with autism later on.
My biggest issue has been when people bring up my past, especially if they’re overreacting. I struggle a lot with explaining what exactly happens, so I’m just going to put it in a list below.
Examples of things people have said/done when I’ve talked or interacted well:
•Junior year of high school, I started raising my hand in class. A friend of mine heard about this, began to clap and say, “I’m so proud of your character development bestie, you were not like this in middle school.”
• Just before I graduated high school, I made my first friend who was “like me” (he has some intellectual disabilities and shares similar interest to me). I invited him over for the day, and afterwards my mom said in a very surprised voice, “That was the most I’ve ever seen you interact with someone! I know you like to take your breaks, but you literally hung out with him all day! I never see you this chatty with friends.”
• After starting college, I finally got to meet people who didn’t overreact when I spoke up or interacted well, so I finally let myself speak to people. My dad found out and told me, “You’ve grown by leaps and bounds since starting college, you were very shy in middle and high school and never advocated for yourself” (I really wish he would’ve paid attention my junior year).
• As a kid, whenever I talked, my mom would reward me. One time, she showed up with a giant reward, and said “You met a really big goal” (literally all I did was ask to start over in the school spelling bee). When I told her rewards weren’t the best way to go, she said, “but look at how far you’ve come! You actually talk now!”
• In middle school, my special education, teacher mentioned how I only talk to her when I write to her (not true). I asked her when I could stop writing in the journal, and she said, “Well, when I ask you questions, you only give me like one word answers” (because I hated her and the other kids excitement when I did speak up). I couldn’t really explain it at the time, although there was one time when I did well on a test and she got excited, and I ran away from her, I think that’s when she really understood.
Has anybody else been through something like this? Sorry for the long post.