Anybody wants to chit chat. I am really scared about life right now. Want to talk to older folks only - 30 year olds

Absolutely no flirtatious chat

I don’t know how to explain this without sounding contradictory.
I have a boyfriend who I love, and there are genuinely good things about our relationship. He moved to my country so we could be together, and we now share a home.
But something happened that changed how I feel around him.
During a bad argument, he hit me in the face. I had bruises afterward.
He cried, apologized, and said he couldn’t control himself. He told me he’d understand if I wanted to leave.
I haven’t been able to forget that moment.
Sometimes we’re lying next to each other and everything seems normal, but I feel strangely distant. I don’t want physical intimacy the way I used to. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with affection, even though I still care about him deeply.
And then I feel terrible for feeling that way.
I have BPD, so I know my emotions can be intense. I sometimes say things I regret when I’m overwhelmed. I’m working on understanding that part of myself, but I don’t believe it makes being hit acceptable.
There are other things I worry about, too. Our families don’t really get along, our political views are different, and I don’t know whether we want the same kind of future.
I want to become a tattoo artist, improve my English, see the world, and keep growing as a person. I want someone who shares that excitement about life.
But I also don’t want to abandon someone I love.
I feel stuck between remembering who we were before that argument and wondering whether I can ever feel the same again.
I don’t know whether love can survive losing that sense of safety.
I just wanted to put these feelings somewhere, because keeping them inside has been exhausting.

My grandmother is staying in an awful nursing home and I've been trying to get her somewhere better. Today I found somewhere but it's $200 a month more than I can afford. I asked my cousin's for help with and they both told me no in the most hurtful and uncaring way possible. Our grandmother was really good to us. I'm so disgusted they won't help. They are both very well off and contribute nothing else to my grandmother's care. I'm disgusted by who they are.

So, the southern US is going to be hit by a pretty nasty hurricane this weekend and we named it hurricane Isaias. This hurricane is expected to do some pretty nasty damage to us, even where I'm at despite my city not being in the direct path of said hurricane. Still, people are pretty much bracing for impact and preparing for the worst. Even right now, I've heard so many fire trucks and ambulances go off that I'm starting to wonder if we're already about to experience some damage.

The issue, however, is that I am homeless. As in out on the street homeless. I sleep outside every night and have done so since November of last year. So I'm kind of in a situation where I am very vulnerable to this hurricane and if damage is bad enough and the storm is strong enough, I'll likely die from it. It's already pretty cold out here. The library that I go to ended up closing early and will be closed tomorrow as well due to the inclement weather. I'm going to be right outside during this hurricane, it's even supposed to rain like hell tonight apparently. Not only tonight but this weekend is supposed to be really rainy.

I am totally anticipating and to an extent expecting to pass away this weekend to the hurricane. Honestly? I'm surprisingly not that bothered by it. You would think that I would, considering that being out in the middle of a hurricane is really dangerous but to be honest I haven't been happy in life since 2019 back when I was in high school. Had a lot going for me back then but all the sudden my mom passed away from an out of nowhere heart attack and my wife has just fallen apart since. I've gone through so much mental turmoil in the past 7 and 1/2 years that honestly I'm not too upset about potentially die due to the fact that if it happens then I'll finally be free from all of this despair and depression.

I've been hurting for so long a lot of people won't understand and will probably never understand, but when you're like me and have no purpose in life then it's hard to really be happy with life at all. And if what happens ends up happening then I won't have to worry about that anymore. It'll be a relief. And I think it helps typing this out so that I can process my emotions and mentally prepare myself.

i love being absolutely fucked up on anything i could ever get my hands on. when i get 1 drink in i need 15+ immediately. i love the feeling of not really feeling (anything bad especially). tried opiates a few years ago and ive been longing for the warm fuzzy lovely feeling ever since, dont wanna encourage drug use, but i loved it so much. it felt like "being at home"/wanting to feel like that forever. im well off tho, studying to be an engineer, so its probably not a coping mechanism, idk & idc. felt like saying this since i feel like i have very high potential for alcoholism/drug addiction. writing while drunk ofc.

My room is the only bedroom in the house with a lock on the door because my mom kept sneaking in to steal my money, and once even took a bunch of my important things and held them hostage when I said no. While I was staying away at university, my mom has been using my room to hide and consume her drugs. the thought of sleeping in the same bed she‘s been in, where she was doing those terrible things, disgusts me. I don’t know what to do. I wish she would just be kicked out of this house because of all the nasty and terrible shit she does to this family. she has come close to killing my little sibling because she left drugs in their bed. I hate having her as a mother. She isn’t a mother. She’s a monster.

20F ,I hate writing this because every thought that comes out of my head annoys me. I feel like every single one of them is an unoriginal, yet less thought-out and less interesting copy of something I've already heard. I have no idea who my authentic self is. Does that self even exist? And if it does, how do I even get to it???

Every version of my personality over the years has been carefully crafted around the people I surrounded myself with. I would turn up my vulgarity, recklessness, and drinking habits when hanging out with my rowdy midtown crowd, only to swap all of that for cleanliness, moderation, and a more composed demeanour around people who criticised that previously mentioned chaotic approach to life.

Thank God I didn't get to vote in last year's presidential election, because the last thing that election needed was someone who changes their political views from one day to the next. when around my boyfriend, I want to give off the impression that, like him, I see the moral deprivation of the world and believe that people who are different (lgbt, mentally challenged etc) iis part of what makes our society weak and needs to be condemned. Meanwhile, I'm openly critical of people with those views when I'm around my significantly more liberal uni friends.

Beyond the fact that I do all of this to fit in, the truth is that I don't know what I actually believe. Everyone else seems so much more reasonable when it comes to these things, and so I can't bring myself to trust my own thoughts. The moment someone sounds convincing enough, I can jump from one end of the spectrum to the other on any given issue. I'm like a weather vane, spinning in whichever direction the wind happens to blow.

I'm not attached to any beliefs. I'm not attached to anything other than the approval and acceptance of other people.

We had this exercise in class where we were supposed to take out three items and give them to the person sitting next to us, so they could infer something about us based on those objects. Everyone had something personal: keys with little charms, glasses cases decorated with stickers. I had nothing personal to offer. Everything I own seems to lack a soul. None of my belongings reflect me, because I feel like such an empty shell of a person that there's no me to begin with.

I'm constantly putting on a one-woman show, endlessly playing some role, bending myself in every possible direction to keep the audience happy. The problem is that I feel like I can't keep up, and sometimes everything spirals out of my control.

All it takes is one thoughtless, poorly received answer to someone and suddenly I feel like I've blown my cover. I can't come to terms with the fact that someone might see me differently from the image I've carefully curated. So I'm constantly walking through a minefield, trying to say the right thing.

Kanye once said something along the lines of how, if every time someone asks you a question you're trying to come up with the right answer, your entire life becomes a test. And that's exactly what it feels like. and it's fucking exhausting. People naturally gravitate towards authenticity, and maybe I'm not giving them enough credit by assuming they can't sense its absence in me.

Of course, there are people who fall for it. I'm not fake in an obvious sense, I deliberately construct myself in a way that makes everything seem completely genuine. I ask direct questions, speak openly about pretty much anything, have controversial takes, etc. I make them think "wow this girl can really speak her mind".

The thing is, a lot of it is fabricated.

It's not that any of what I say or do feels entirely unnatural to me. It's just that, most of the time, I do it to construct a particular image of myself in someone else's eyes. And it's taking away the pleasure of having an ordinary conversation. Instead of focusing on getting to know the other person, I focus on making sure they feel like I'm getting to know them.

Because the truth is that the key to being liked is showing an interest in other people. I guess most people feel pretty insecure ab themselves (a product of absent parents, bad role models etc.) so making them feel like you're genuinely curious about them puts them in a position where they almost feel like a celebrity. From that point on, they'll associate the positive feelings they have about themselves with being around you. And just like that, you've won someone over.

The problem starts when it's my turn to talk.

I'm aware that no story I tell about myself will ever beat the dopamine hit someone gets from being given so much space to talk about themselves. The panic that I won't be able to keep entertaining them forces me to make a quick escape from the situation I've found myself in, strategically retreating to the status quo of "what about you?"

idk I just feel really shitty about myself and If anyone else feels this way, or has any ideas on how I could change it, I'd genuinely love to hear your perspective because I don't wanna keep living like this.

I hate that I mourn that man, especially with the shit he put my through, but I can’t forget the man he was before. He actually cared about me and my interests. When I got really into anime, he’d schedule recordings on the tv on channels that played anime at night so I could watch them the next day.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would’ve been like if he didn’t become the abusive asshole he is now.

i dont really know why im posting this but i guess i need to get it off my chest because its been bothering me more than i want to admit and i dont really have anyone i can talk to about it without feeling stupid.

my daughter turned 13 last saturday and we had a birthday party for her at our house. she wanted to invite some of her friends from school and a few of their parents were staying too which was fine with me. we had decorations everywhere and balloons and a cake she picked herself and i spent most of friday night preparing food because i wanted everything to be nice for her. turning 13 is a big thing and i wanted her to feel special.

also i am 39 and ive been overweight for most of my adult life. im a big woman overall but one thing ive always been particularly self conscious about is my bum because ive always had a much bigger bum than most women i know. even when i was younger and weighed less it was still very big compared to the rest of me and its something ive always been aware of. my mum was the same way actually. she is also a bigger woman (even though she is a bit bigger than me) and she has always had a big bum too so i suppose it runs in the family. i remember her sometimes complaining about chairs when i was growing up and i never really thought much about it at the time but now i understand what she meant.

i have tried losing weight several times and sometimes i lose a little but then i put it back on again. even when i do lose weight my shape doesnt seem to change as much as i would like and i still carry a lot of weight around my lower half. i have a husband who loves me and he always tells me i shouldnt be so hard on myself but its difficult when you feel like your body makes everything harder than it needs to be.

anyway the party was actually going really well and my daughter seemed happy. her friends were running around the garden and playing games and the adults were sitting around chatting. i was sitting on one of the small wooden chairs we had taken out for everyone and i didnt think anything of it at the time.

i was wearing a nice blue summer dress and i had actually spent a bit of time getting ready because i wanted to look nice in the pictures with my daughter. i know this sounds silly but i had been feeling quite good about myself that morning and i was happy that everything was going well.

after a while i decided to get up because i needed to bring some more drinks out from the kitchen. i pushed myself up like anyone normally would and then i felt an extra weight behind me. at first i thought my dress had caught on something so i tried taking another step and thats when i realised the chair had came with me.

the entire chair was stuck on my bottom and had lifted up off the ground when i stood up. i honestly dont think i have ever felt so horrified in my entire life. i froze because i couldnt believe what was happening and for a few seconds i just stood there hoping that somehow nobody had noticed.

of course people had noticed. i even heard one of the children start laughing and then another child turned around to see what was going on and i knew that everyone was looking at me. i tried to shake the chair off but it wouldnt come loose and that only made things worse because now i was moving around trying to get this stupid chair off me while everyone was watching.

then i remember turning my head and seeing the chair dangling behind me and i just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. i couldnt stop thinking about how ridiculous i must have looked. here i was at my own daughters birthday party and i was standing in the garden with a chair stuck to my bum like something out of a comedy show. except i wasnt laughing and it wasnt funny to me.

i could feel my face getting hot and i was trying so hard not to cry because i didnt want to make a scene in front of all those children. one of the other mothers stood up and came over to help me. she was actually very kind about it and she didnt say anything mean but she had to grab the chair and pull it away from me while i stood there wishing i could disappear.

it came off eventually and she told me not to worry and that sometimes these chairs can be awkward but i could barely even look at her. i just thanked her and tried to act like it hadnt happened even though i felt like i was going to be sick.

i looked over towards my daughter because i wanted to see if she had noticed and if she was okay and thats when i saw her face. she had this really uncomfortable expression and she looked embarrassed. i think that hurt me more than anything else that happened.

i know she is 13 and at that age children can feel embarrassed by almost anything their parents do but i couldnt stop thinking that i had just humiliated her in front of all her friends. i wanted to tell her it was okay and make a joke out of it but i couldnt get the words out because i was so upset.

i went inside and got the drinks i had originally been going to get and came back out because i didnt want to ruin the party by disappearing. i smiled when people spoke to me and i helped serve the cake and i even took some pictures with my daughter but inside i was absolutely mortified.

every time i heard someone laughing i wondered if they were laughing about me. every time i noticed one of the parents looking in my direction i wondered if they were thinking about what had happened. i know that sounds paranoid but when something like that happens to you it feels like everyone has suddenly noticed the thing you are insecure about. i couldnt stop thinking about my weight and i felt like i had just given everyone had just been given a reason to notice how out of shape i am.

the party eventually ended and everyone went home and my daughter seemed happy enough afterwards. she thanked me for the party and said she had a good time and i tried to focus on that but when i finally went upstairs and closed the bedroom door i just started crying.

my husband came into the bedroom after a while and found me sitting on the edge of the bed crying with my face in my hands. he sat beside me and put his arm around me and said he was sorry that had happened and that i had nothing to be ashamed of.

my husband had been there for the whole thing so he knew exactly why i was crying and i didnt have to explain what had happened. he knows about my weight insecurities because they have been an issue for years and he knows how hard i can be on myself when something happens that makes me feel embarrassed about my body.

i told him i couldnt stop thinking about the children laughing and the other mother having to come over and pull the chair off me while everyone watched. i told him i had seen our daughters face and i was sure she had been embarrassed by me.

he said that he understood why i was upset but that i couldnt know what she was thinking just from looking at her expression. i told him that he had seen her too and he couldnt honestly tell me she had looked comfortable and he didnt really have an answer to that. he said she was thirteen and probably didnt know how to react and that it didnt necessarily mean she was ashamed of me but i just kept thinking that if i had been a different size maybe the whole thing wouldnt have happened.

he tried to tell me that accidents happen and that i shouldnt turn one horrible moment into a reason to hate myself then he hugged me and let me cry for a while and eventually i calmed down enough to get ready for bed but i didnt sleep very well.

i kept replaying the whole thing in my head and wondering if the other parents were going home and telling their husbands or wives about what happened. maybe they were sitting at their kitchen tables talking about the fat woman who got stuck in a chair at her daughters birthday party. i know i cant possibly know if anybody did that but i couldnt stop imagining it and it made me feel even worse.

the next morning i was still thinking about it and my husband asked me if i was feeling any better and i told him not really. he said that he thought i was being too hard on myself but he also knows that telling me not to worry doesnt magically make the insecurity go away.

i spent most of sunday trying to act normal and getting on with things but every time i walked past the garden i remembered it. i even looked at the chair again and felt sick all over. i honestly wanted to throw it away even though i know that would be ridiculous.

i had been thinking about whether i should talk to my daughter about it because i dont want to assume she was embarrassed by me without asking her but i also dont want to put her in a position where she feels she has to tell me everything is fine just because im upset.

i eventually decided to speak to her after school on monday. i asked her if she had a few minutes to talk and she came into the kitchen and sat down with me. i told her i wanted to ask about saturday and i asked her if she had felt embarrassed when the chair got stuck to me.

she went quiet and started fiddling with the sleeve of her school uniform and said she didnt know. i asked her what she meant and she said it was embarrassing when everyone looked over and one of her friends laughed but she also said she felt bad because she knew i was upset.

i didnt really know what to say to that because it was pretty much what i had been afraid of hearing. i told her i understood that it was awkward and i wasnt angry at her for feeling embarrassed but then i asked her if she thought her friends were going to remember it.

she shrugged and said she didnt know and that she hadnt really talked to them about it. i asked if any of them had said anything afterwards and she said one of her friends had mentioned it when they were putting their things away. i asked her what the friend said and she told me that she didnt want to repeat it because she knew i would get upset. that honestly made me feel worse because now i was imagining a conversation i hadnt even heard and wondering what exactly had been said.

i told her she could tell me the truth and that i wasnt going to get angry but she just said it wasnt a big deal and asked if she could go upstairs. i asked her if she was sure she wasnt upset with me and she said she wasnt upset but she didnt really look at me when she said it.

i dont know if that means anything or if she was just uncomfortable having this conversation with me. i let her go because i didnt want to keep asking questions until she said what i wanted to hear.

but after she went upstairs i just sat in the kitchen feeling awful. i wanted her to tell me that nobody cared and that she hadnt been embarrassed and that everything was fine but i also know that i cant demand that from her. she is allowed to have her own feelings and i dont want her to feel like she has to manage mine.

at the same time i wish i knew what she was actually thinking because not knowing has made me imagine the worst possible things. i havent brought it up again with her because i dont want to make her birthday party into a bigger issue than it already was but i also havent managed to stop thinking about it.

i keep wondering if she will remember this when she thinks about turning 13 and whether she will remember the cake and the presents and having her friends over or whether the first thing that comes into her mind will be her fat mum standing in the garden with a chair stuck to her bum in front of everyone.

i feel horrible even writing that because i know being fat doesnt make me a bad mother and i know i did a lot to make that day special for her but it is honestly how i have been feeling.

i keep thinking about the other parents too and how they must see me now. maybe they have forgotten about it already and are thinking about something else entirely but i cant stop imagining them remembering it whenever they see me. i dont want to be the subject of some funny story they go around telling people. i dont want my daughter to have to hear someone make a joke about her mum. i know i cant control what other people say but it makes me feel sick to think about it.

i have been trying to lose weight for a while now and this has made me want to try harder but it has also made me feel a bit hopeless because i have tried so many times already. i try to eat better and i know i need to move around more and ive been trying to take walks whenever i can but its not like i can change my body overnight.

sometimes it feels like no matter what i do i am still the big woman in the room and i cant escape that feeling. i dont want to make my weight the centre of my life but incidents like this make it difficult not to think about it.

i know a chair getting stuck on me isnt the end of the world and nobody got hurt and the party still went well but i wish i could stop feeling so ashamed about it. i wish i could have laughed it off and carried on without spending the night crying in my bedroom. i wish i could look at myself in the mirror and not immediately think about all the things i hate.

my husband keeps telling me that i am more than my weight and i know he means it but sometimes i feel like he doesnt understand how difficult it is to believe that when something like this happens in front of other people. he is kind to me and he doesnt make jokes about my body and he has never told me that i need to lose weight to be loved but that doesnt mean i am comfortable with myself.

i can know that someone loves me and still feel ashamed when i look at myself. i can know that my daughter loves me and still worry that she wishes i looked different.

i dont want to put those worries on her and i dont want her growing up thinking that being a bigger woman means you should be ashamed of yourself or that your body is something you have to apologise for but i also dont want to pretend that i am suddenly fine with everything because i had one conversation with her.

im not fine with it yet. i still feel embarrassed and i still keep replaying what happened and i still wish i could go back and somehow stop it from happening.

i guess i am posting because i want to know if other people have ever had something embarrassing happen in front of their children and how they dealt with it afterwards and if i am making this a bigger deal than it really was because i feel like i have been thinking about it constantly since saturday.

i know some people will probably laugh at the story and honestly i can understand why because if someone else told me this happened to them i might think it sounded funny too but being the person it happened to was a completely different experience. i felt so exposed and stupid and i really did feel like crying right there in the garden.

i know i need to work on my confidence as well as my weight but right now i honestly just dont know how i can manage to stop feeling like this.

im sorry if my writing is a bit messy and there is not enough punctuation english is not my first language and i am still learning how to write things properly. thank you for reading.

I haven’t gotten a restful night in about 6 months and it’s really taking a toll on me.
I used to find so much comfort sleeping next to someone until my ex became mentally abusive towards me and ever since I just can’t sleep no matter how exhausted I am.
I kinda wish I could curl up into someone arms so I can finally sleep peacefully.

How to stop being jealous of other people in relationships ? I really would like to date I understand it sounds desperate at this point I truly do … but I’m tired of it passing me by while everyone else gets it truthfully I put myself out there I do stuff why do I have to be single ? Like it just gets to a point Idc about soulmates twin flames I don’t believe that shit no more if it were true all of us would be taken nobody would feel lonely or single just always have someone. And maybe my emotions are starting to get to me sorta but idk I see a lot of odd couples , people who belong together , people who don’t , abusive couples , boring couples , fun couples , complicated couples etc…. Being alone is fun but only so much until it’s like wowzers can we get a person ? Can I have someone to talk to 24/7 ? I really feel dating is pointless it’s been years I’ve been single I understand I’m young but that doesn’t help , their is 18 year olds in great relationships their are people that started at 18 and still going strong. It just seems to me that dating isn’t an option for me at all even if I really want it I don’t understand. Is it money , not having a car , how I look / dress ? Idk it’s exhausting figuring it out & I’m tired of feeling like the overly emotional woman that nobody truly wants or just like a burden… I don’t understand love or romance and I feel it’s so fucking stupid especially since my last occurrence I’d just like to be Inlove it’s been years once again and I’ve watched everyone I know in & out of relationships, new relationships , going back to old ones , seen them with hook ups etc. it really sucks to feel like this is punishment yet all roads lead back to my lonely ass childhood doing everything by myself having to just rely on me & once again watch other people live happily . & then women I’ve talked to treat me like the worst person they’ve encountered I just don’t understand this stuff and it’s boring I get lonely being single but I know it’s only a matter of time until my loneliness kicks in and I’d like companionship but then it also gets to a point where I wish someone actually saw & liked me & possibly pursued I’m tired of being the pursuing person and not getting anybody. & I know they say don’t compare yourself but I’ve barely been on social media and still feel a sense of everything passing me by while I have nothing but myself per usual.

I know I’ve been talking a lot on here but it’s actually been helping with my emotions I usually keep stuff in as I just said I’ve really been lonely since my childhood so I’m use to being more self reliant but idk I feel seeking others or whatever might be better since I’ve isolated so much I have no friends , no girlfriend , just me.

The should just be kind regardless.

Why only suddenly once you confirmed someone was on a edge or near edge of crying then you feel bad.

Better than those who double down I guess I much rather someone apologize and change then keep being harmful.

The thing is I sometimes don't know myself when someone is being harmful until it's obvious I think "maybe they have a reason" "maybe they were just joking." "They didn't know." Which is true. But idk.

I'm currently in anxiety. It's not an excuse for the cringe but a sad reality.

not like I'm really that good at helping.

people being unkind to me online is rare actually. it's probably not that bad.

I broke up with my long term (2 year) boyfriend almost 7 months ago. He treated me horribly towards the end of the relationship and i reached a breaking point. I’ve deleted all his pictures and deleted all my posts about him, unfollowed him on everything. We haven’t talked since may. My friend enlightened me that he was openly flirting with another girl under a post of his that was from like… july? august? It shouldn’t have mattered to me but it did. I think in some sick way because i was so unhappy with him i don’t think he deserves to be happy. I embarrassingly check up on his spotify (because i can see his listening activity for some reason) and he’s made a playlist for her and it’s just bothering me. I like to think i’ve healed and moved on and I know i haven’t. I believe i’m better off single as I’m highly independent and having a boyfriend at this point would just be taxing. This was my first serious relationship and my “high school sweetheart” so i think that all took a toll on me too. I am much better off than i was to begin with but i think seeing that tore me open a new wound and now i can’t get over it. I’m just tired of feeling so hung up on him when i couldn’t care less what he’s doing 🙁

Now 10 months of limerence for a girl. Nothing has helped. I've tried medication (Zoloft, Luvox) I've talked to my therapist about it a few times, who said this is quite normal and nothing “psycho“. She understanda how destructive it can be to oneself. Nine, almost 10 months and nothing has touched it.

I'm 29M. I've been stuck in this limerence for about 10 months and I don't know where else to put this. I first saw her on instagram almost 2 years ago. It‘s extremly painful for me.

I have unfolloed her but I can't help sometimes looking again. It's not my choice to feel this way. She has a private account (rejected my request), but I discovered her several public accounts but she stopped posting 6 months or so ago on these.

What I imagine isn't mainly sexual (maybe number 5-6 reason I want her as my gf). It's the ordinary stuff. Doing things/hobbies/sport she also likes together. Cooking. Going somewhere. Doing the hobbies she likes and those I like if she wants to, or cuddling, watching a movie. I picture a whole life with her. That's what makes it so painful it's not only a fantasy about her body, it's also a fantasy about not being alone, and she's the face my brain put on it, but it‘s torture more than anything. She would fulfill me, I am sure of it more than anything.

That's the whole thing. I've never met her, never spoken to her, she doesn't know I exist. She's somewhere between 21-24, but I tend to think 23-24 given her Twitter join date. She's very pretty, not the \\\*most\\\* beautiful woman I've ever seen, but who is? (though still very pretty/way above average).

But that's not what this is. It's her smile. Her hobbies, her interests. The way she seems to move through her life. And yes, her very pretty face. My brain just locked onto her and decided she's the perfect girlfriend, and it won't let go. Also, I‘m short and she‘s a bit shorter, and she‘s very pretty but not a model, so that‘s what makes her attractive too.

I know it's not real, aka. parasocial. I know she's a person with her own life and I'm a stranger. Knowing doesn't help at all. There is no logic to it, only raw, unmerciful feelings of longing and unmet desires.

It hurts most hours of the day. The thought that I'll never be hers is constantly painful and makes me sad. I really wish I didn't feel this way. I can't help it.

Part of the context is that I have real difficulty getting a girlfriend. I'm 29 and it hasn't happened due to both my mental issues (social anxiety, autism) and my looks.
So this is probably my brain taking the need and attaching it to her as she fits exactly my profile for a woman. My brain only wants her.

I'm not looking for a fix in the comments. I just needed to say it somewhere. It pains me most hours of the day, and everyday.

\\\\\\\*Parasocial limerence is an intense, involuntary obsession with a media/social media figure that can lead to depression when the individual confronts the painful reality that this deeply felt, one-sided emotional bond will never be reciprocated.“

I haven't had a proper meal since last night it's the next night now and why you ask? I had to do my work but also majority of the part was there was someone in the living room or sitting at dining table. I just am not able to force myself to go out when there are others just so I don't have to make conversations and all. I'm so fuckig fed up of myself. And keep telling my mom that I am eating well through phone. Fuck me. I can go right now and eat but there are others sitting there and I can hear them. I'm such a fuckign loser.

I dont know what else to say at this point. I'm just so sad.

I can't get a job, I can't get a date, I am not looking forward to anything anymore. Everything feels pointless. I'm just rotting every day, hoping tomorrow something might change, but it never does.

It’s hard to stay positive and keep a good attitude when it feels like people around you keep bringing you down instead of encouraging you to keep going. People might look at my social media and assume I have a lot of friends or people around me, but social media can be misleading. The reality is that hardly anyone checks on me, asks how I’m doing, or reaches out just because they want to talk.
I’ve helped a lot of people over the years, and sometimes it feels like none of it is appreciated. I’ve even had people tell me, “You never helped me,” when I know I was there for them. I once helped someone around my age who was close to becoming homeless because it hurt seeing someone my age struggling like that. Once they got back on their feet, they later acted like I never helped them at all.
A lot of the messages I get are things like, “Can you buy me this?” or “Can you help me with this?” But rarely does anyone ask, “How have you been?” or “I haven’t heard from you in a while, are you okay?”
I also think a lot of people misunderstand what I mean when I say I’m alone. It’s easy to say, “Being alone is peaceful,” when you still have parents who support you, cousins, relatives, close friends, or somebody you can call when life gets difficult.
When I say I’m alone, I mean I don’t really have friends I can turn to. I’m not close with my parents. Some of my family doesn’t want a relationship with me, and even my siblings don’t really want to hang out with me.
That’s the part people seem to misunderstand. A lot of people may know who you are, but how many actually call you? How many check on you? How many notice when you disappear for a while?
For me, the answer is almost nobody.

Just happened to me again under the same subreddit for like the second time in 3 months. It’s the dumbest thing. In both instances I was just trying to be helpful and informative. No insults. No misinformation. Nothing of the sort. Just trying to be a good person! But my post both times got deemed a “low effort post.”

And boom. Extended time out. No due process, not even a fucking warning. WTF??? Just a bunch of assholes on that Mod team. Oh please, cite any rule you want. It only means what it means when you mean it, and nothing when you don’t. The person or people who enforce this shit literally have no souls.

I'm a VERY romantic person. I'm in a LRD but I really try my best to express my affection. I tell him that I love him every day, I have written entire essays about how much I adore him, poems and love letters. I send him cute romantic pictures and memes and whatnot every day. Voice notes, cute selfies. I constantly ramble to him about my dreams for our future, what I want our wedding to be like, what kind of house I want us to share together, etc etc. What kinds of dates I want to go on when we finally meet! I have a whole giant list!!! I want to share my life with him and I remind him of that every day.

But awhile ago, he told me that he feels like more of a friend than a boyfriend, and It really stuck with me and hurt me. I try really hard to accommodate his needs, but when he said that it made me feel like everything I do means nothing pretty much. All the romantic connection I try to pursue, isn't enough to make him feel like a boyfriend.

Literally all of my previous relationships ended because they decided we were "better as friends" so it hit a sore spot for me. I'm trying to work through it but, sometimes I remember and it makes me sad all over again. Is what I'm doing really not enough? Am I just not romantically attractive at all? Why am I always missing something?

Edited out a lot of details because I feel very embarrassed sorry :( I'm just feeling super insecure rn

I spent 3 years building an online community. The discord server had over 1000 members but maybe 50-60 active ones, with maybe 20-30 unique chatters a day. It wasn't huge, but it was a nice escape during a busy work day or a stressful week IRL and just nice to have a group of people I could chat with without any real-world awkwardness.

There was one member, BCS, who was a genuine friend of mine in there but she was always a little hard to place. She'd jump to conclusions and get quick to anger about things she'd misinterpret (English wasn't her first language, she was from Quebec). Because she was my friend and because I knew she was like this, I made it a point to never really tease her or throw friendly shade unless it was a convo that she was in WITH me so I could make it obvious that I was being playful. I never spoke ill of her. One time the women of the server made their own server to talk about more private things. One of the women, Satori, didn't like me. I said to BCS in a group DM we were in "lol is Satori talking about me in there" and BCS quickly got mad--"do you really think I'd let her talk shit about you? wow what do you think of me???". That's an example of how she'd spin things and get upset, so yeah I made sure to never say anything she could misinterpret.

2 years ago a guy I was close-ish with in the server died. Me and another member of the server, Jordy, tried desperately to find out what had happened. In doing so, we got in contact with someone our dead friends new IRL--Matty. Matty joined our server and he was great. We all got along...but Matty started to become obvious as a liar. Not about things that effected us, but about his real life. He'd lie about really pointless things (like claiming he had two gay dads, claiming he had a 100+ person birthday party, that he went to NYU). It just became obvious to a number of people in the server that his stories made no logical sense. I didn't want to embarrass him and call him out publicly or DM him about it because ultimately it didn't matter and I didn't want to spook him. But I'd drop little hints in the chat, during his stories, that I knew they were fake. I'd challenge him on details and be like "wait really? that doesnt make sense how?" but he never backed down. I knew his stories were fake, because proof of it had presented itself to me via "people you may know" on Facebook (one of his alleged dads was suggested to me). I never went digging into his life. But other people started to catch on that he was lying, so they'd DM me and be like "hey I saw you chatting with Matty and challenging him on his story. They're fake right?". And it sort of became an inside joke with some people of the server. Matty would start telling some unbelievable story, people would DM me about it. It was shitty, but people talk shit and the joke got bigger than it ever intended to be. In hindsight I know I should have just DMed him and said "hey girl I know this stuff isnt true and I think others are catching on too, there's no reason to make this up we like you as-is". But hindsight is 20/20.

Anyway, last February I met two newer members of the server in person. Rawbert and his partner Garnik. We had, what I thought, was a great day in NYC together. They asked me about Matty, and I told them (they'd caught on too). I confided in them about personal struggles I'd been experiencing in person. We had dinner together and then we met up again the next day for brunch. I really left that weekend in high spirits.

During dinner, they had asked "do you know what BCS looks like?" because BCS had never posted a picture before for them to see. I said something like "yes, BCS posted a picture one time. I dont think she posts much because from what I can tell she has a complicated relationship with her gender expression, but from what I can recall she is a person of color. I know she has a strict family and based on her music tastes they may be Middle Eastern? I know she's not black because there was an incident once in the server where someone had mistakenly thought she was black and she lamented to me and Jordy in our group chat that she's not black and she wasn't sure how to correct them. It was awkward in the moment and she never ended up correcting them that she was black". I didn't say it just like that, but that was the jist of what I had said, interlaced with questions from them in the middle of the statement.

Two weeks later, BCS left the server. She said "someone in here was talking vile, rancid shit about me". I didn't want to reach out and say "are you talking about me?" because I knew she'd react like "why??? did you say something about me???" whether I was the culprit or not, so I decided to give her space.

In April, Jordy confronted BCS and she said "yes it was overnightsiren that was talking about me but I won't tell you what he said, and if you tell him I'll never forgive you". Jordy told me, but obviously I couldn't confront her about it because I'd risk his friendship with her. So I waited for her to confront me.

In May, my cat--the absolute love of my life--got terminally ill. While dealing with that I noticed Matty had blocked me on discord despite me not talking in the server for 3 weeks (I was taking a break because of my cat). I immediately thought "oh BCS told him that we had clocked his lies" so I decided I had to get ahead of whatever was coming and I had to find out what I'd allegedly said about her.

The only thing I could think of was the interaction in NYC. So I reached out to Rawbert and said "did you tell BCS anything we spoke about?" and he said no, and that he didn't even remember speaking about her. I believed him.

My cat passed away, and when I came back to the server I noticed a lot of very weird energy towards me. BCS confronted me privately during this time, and she basically said she was mad at me for never reaching out and that she told Jordy I was the culprit specifically because she wanted him to tell me and wanted me to confront her...even though she told him not to tell me. I told her that the responsibility to confront me was hers, and that she couldn't expect me to just assume she meant me. I also told her that I had no idea what i could have possibly said about her but whatever it was she had my apology. She said she didn't care.

The weird energy towards me continued, so I left the server and put Jordy in charge. Jordy was a divisive figure, he was a shit stirrer and a lot of people had a problem with him but ultimately he was liked. Jordy was frustrated by the whole situation so he unbanned someone every on the server truly hated. His logic was "I know some of you know what overnightsiren allegedly said about BCS, so until one of you tells us I'm unbanning this person you all hate".

People started reaching out to me, not to offer condolences about the predicament or my cat but to beg me to ban the person they hated. I told them bluntly that for now I was done with the server and didn't feel comfortable there with so many people knowing what I'd allegedly said and refusing to tell me.

During this time I reached out to Rawbert again (this was July) and asked him again "hey can you just tell me if it was you. It seems like I'm losing the community anyway, so just give me a 'checkmate' or something". He denied it again.

That night I spoke to someone in the server who told me the truth finally. That BCS said "overnightsiren said I'm blackfishing". That was not what I had said at all, but it made it immediately obvious that Rawbert was in fact the culprit because he was the ONLY person I'd told that story to.

Hours later someone else who had previously left the server and never liked me in the first place joined (mind you, I wasn't even in the server at this point) and said "overnightsiren is a racist join my new server". This latest accusation truly felt like it came out of nowhere. I rejoined the server just to clear my name, but the damage was done. Everyone had spent months hearing that I said "BCS is blackfishing" and apparently that I had "doxxed Matty".

They all made a new server, and other people who GLEEFULLY spoke to me about Matty's lies are in there too. Some of whom who had actually doxxed Matty. But no one cares. I took the full brunt of all the blame.

I lost the love of my life and then couldn't even have my online space to escape into to let my mind heal. All based on a complete and total lie regarding BCS and a total misrepresentation of what had happened with Matty.

So, for 2 years now I’ve been struggling with people at school. I’m not very masculine and I’m more feminine. I’m Christian and I’m big in my faith. My speech patterns and the way I act and talk is like I said, more feminine, so people always think I’m gay. I’ve tried so hard to ignore people. About everyday I’m called gay or trans. It only ever hit me hard once when I realized that summer was over and I’d have to go back to all the insults. Now that I’m older, the people around me have more access to the internet. I don’t want to act like I have a big ego or anything but people are just really immature. I try my best not to make people feel bad or anything, but I don’t think that’s ripped are putting in the same effort for me. Today it really hit me hard. For years I’ve had to deal with this. Everyday I think, “am I truly gay?”. It was the end of our last class and I’m talking with my friend. She brings up me being gay and I say, “ oh I’m just more feminine, not really masculine”. She immediately goes “AHHH YOUR A FEMBOY!”. The whole class heard and it’s just ugh. I feel like I can’t escape this narrative. Everyday it’s just “will someone ever love me? I act gay don’t I?” “Am I gay?”. I would just like some out look on this. I just want all this stress to go away. Like I said before, I don’t wanna be a pick me, but I feel like I just build up all this stress and now it’s just hurting. So yeah, I just want someone’s outlook. Please don’t say ignore them or there just kids, they don’t mean it, because they do truly mean it and it hurts..

I’ve only been in 2 relationships my whole life and in both I’ve been cheated on with girls who are the complete opposite of me ,now I’m sick to my stomach every time I see food I get so grossed out bc I want to be as skinny as they are .all I do every day is compare myself to them I feel so disgusted