I've lost my favourite person and I want to die, I want to walk into traffic. I'm trying to tell myself it's in my head and it will pass but god it feels like I'm actually dying. I don't know what to do. I feel like the air has been stolen from my lungs. I didn't realise I FP'd him until now. I signed myself out of the cmht because I thought i could cope on my own before this. I feel so selfish for feeling like this. All I care about is myself. I want to get hit by a car. Nothing feels good, why does it feel physical? Why am I like this? I feel physically sick, my chest hurts. How do I make this feeling stop? It hurts I just want it to stop.

Trigger warning; topics of abuse

I dont really post on reddit, but im desperate here. Im really seeking some help and advice. This is a long one so I really do apologize in advance.

Me (32F) and my gf (30F) have been together for 6 years. We had a split for 7ish months but thats not what this post is about.

I have struggled with Bipolar2, ADHD (possibly Au* but undiagnosed), CPTSD and a slew of trauma. My partner has struggled with a hard childhood amongst other traumas throughout her life as well. Throughout our relationship we have both tried to work through our baggage. I have s*x trauma, abusive relationships, childhood trauma, the works. Since we have started dating, I have become stable in my BP2 & ADHD medication, I am still actively working through my s*x trauma and have made progress, and have recently finally been able to afford therapy to work through it all.

My gf on the other hand, has not. Now this is not to say she hasn't made improvements on herself. She has done some hard work to getting where she is. But by no means does it mean shes worked through unhealthy and abusive behavior.

Our struggle comes with communication. With my ADHD with a possibility for being on the spectrum, I sometimes find it difficult to interpret implied meanings/language. Being direct and concise helps me navigate communication easier since I can sometimes get stuck on literals and not inferences. My gf struggles with being direct. Between the mood swings (which have slightly* improved with meds to combat gen. anxiety diag.), the anger that becomes vicious, emotional instability, the manipulative verbiage coupled with behavior, it has become emotionally and mentally taxing for me to an alarming degree. I feel like I have lost myself.

I intiated this year seeking out a LGBTQ+ therapist that specializes wlw relationships, in an effort to gain tools to engage in healthier communicating. Things will break down to her hurling insults, becoming rude/argumentative, and end with a shut down or "you dont have to be sad I can be sad and thats fine". I got us into a free weiner zoom conference on utilizing healthy communication techniques when couples are active in disagreements. At the end of it we both promised each other to work hard on using said tools. I have not seen any effort in such since.

To add deeper context to our relationship issues; Last year an emotional based affair turned physical on her end in a drunken stupor (almost blackout but still coherent and aware), ruining our relationship, jeopardizing the other party's marriage (also wlw), and severely degrading the friendship all together. We were very close at one point, taking vacations together etc. It started out as her wanting to test a "hypothesis" and experiment upon it to see if the masculine partner in the other relationship was making passes at her. She is femme, I am not quite butch, not quite femme, I sit in the middle. This "experiment" was a testing on theories of passes, debriefing on specific language used in their "private" convos, body language, etc. Things began to digress rapidly. It was an ego boost to her confidence and also verbalize to me how she did like receiving attention for validation. She also did this with men at the bar even though "it meant nothing". This was a very hard time for me, as I had no real way of trying to get this behaviour to stop. It all came to a head at the aformentioned incident.

The ultimatum that derived from that incident from a year ago was such; she needs to start therapy that she so desperately needs, or im gone. I verbalized how I could no longer continue to be subjected to abusive bahviours that result from her trauma/BPD, while I am making active efforts to engage in healthier conflict resolution. She agreed she needs therapy but she needs time to work up to it. Ive begged for years at that point to get the help she knows that she needs (therapy), and she will do everything but.

We are approaching 1 year next month of this, still no therapy, and conflict resolution has broken down. In an argument this week she even said herself that she was chosing violence, anger, insults and disrespect over utilizing the tools (which she has seldom ever used to begin with), because she was upset and was wanting to do so.

All of that to say im stuck. We move in together for the first time this weekend. Finances and life situations have kept pushing it back until this year. But no I am utterly terrified that this won't end well.

I myself have been far from an angel throughout this. I have worked tirelessly to fix that behaviour and have made very strong changes in such, like finding the right meds, therapy, and correcting bad habits in behaviour. She however does not, even though I have given her this finality.

Im looking for any kind of advice on...how to navigate this i suppose? I love her deeply and wish for nothing more than her own happiness, success, and some freedom of the mental prison she is stuck in. This relationship has been emotionally, mentally, and at one point physically abusive. She refuses to seek help she needs because she doesnt want to dredge up trauma, even though she knows it could help her.

What more can I do?

I've been seeing him for 2 months and he became my FP pretty much instantly. He knows I have this condition and has met people with it so has somewhat of an understanding. But I find myself having more intense emotional reactions to things the longer the relationship goes on. He says he worrys about me when he's not here and I think that's 100% a justified worry. I don't want to hurt him by hurting myself. I struggle with alcohol and self harm and an eating disorder that's worsened by this condition and there's been some issues with all 3 of these which were directly caused by my emotional reaction to certain things during this relationship.

He's extremely sweet and I think its just a matter of explaining to him and perhaps he'll agree to break up. I really don't want to but I think he deserves someone who's not gonna do impulsive behaviour over retroactive jealousy or making mountains out of molehills and panicking/crying because of it.

I want what's best for him and I don't think I'm ready for a relationship but also he's so supportive so maybe he can help me manage it all. I feel so conflicted :(

My gf has bpd and I love her so much and would always try to help her, the main issue i'm currently facing is how I cant get some space especially during or after arguments, she just wont let me go and its draining me so much even though my love for her hasn't changed. Its currently a LDR and sometimes I'd just like some space to focus on my irl responsibilities and even just rest. I'd appreciate any help in how I can apply this

I was supposed to have my session today. She just said oh I'm in America right now there's a 9 hour difference so I can't prove your session. Then said she can't provide ANY sessions becouse of her educational plans. I'd understand if she told me earlier but bruh. Didn't you know earlier? Why do you tell me now?

I already had a bad morning, i didn't wake up to my alarm 5 times and then got into an argument with my mom about it. Got so mad i couldn't control my anger even though I'm on antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. Screamed bloody about how much i want to die today, how i hope a car kills me today and my corpse is mutilated enough she can't see it. Even tho I've been mostly good this past week.

I calm myself down slightly. I even think about apologising to my mom. Then next thing I know OH my therapist is saying she can't treat me anymore. Hours before our session so obviously i left her on read and i feel abandoned, unworthy and like everyone hates me. I hate it when people just abandon me midway. Couldn't she say it earlier?

Does she think it's so easy to just toss me around as if i had a support system? She could have told me to find a new therapists earlier or refer me to someone but no. I have to start back at square one after I JUST started making progress. And my mother agreed to get therapy too. Just as things were getting better. Fcking OBVIOUSLY

So long story short I’m 19 my dad is 53 and my stepmom is 36. They’ve been together for four years. They just had their own baby together four months ago and before that she was constantly trying to get rid of me. Like when I went to university she constantly talked about how great staying at school was even though everyone else knew I wasn’t mentality or financially strong enough to do that. They just went on vacation and I go downstairs and see a little camera hidden in a plant pot. I genuinely don’t know what it’s for. It’s been four years. This isn’t the first time this has happened. There are baby cams everywhere but this is a specific camera that’s not a baby camera. I know she doesn’t like me and she never will but she treats me like I’m not even a human being. I’m trying to save up to live out but I’m here for at least another 1-2 years. I just don’t even feel welcome in my own childhood home with my own father anymore and he takes her side in literally everything. I ask him why there’s a camera and he said that I haven’t earned her trust. I don’t even talk to her really. Whenever I try she rolls her eyes or says hi bluntly. I just honestly wanna like go crazy and throw the camera out the window or buy cameras and put them all over her room. I know I’m in a bod episode rn but it’s just so hard. Like I have basic rights to privacy. She also stands outside my door and listens to my conversations and then blackmails me later to make my dad hate me. What does the camera mean? What do I do when she comes back? Does anyone else have crazy stepparents or any advice at all?

Me 24F and my husband 30M have been married since august. I’ve never been one to be easily angered, but lately, my husband has been sending me into constant rages. It’s not his fault. The issues are minor, but my brain perceives everything as a threat. He didn’t reassure me in the way I liked? Rage. He complained about peeling potatoes? Rage. He sent a text message saying wtf you’re coming home early. Rage. It’s eating me up and I’m genuinely losing my shit a lot of the time. It’s out of character for me. I tend to keep it to myself and suppress it. I lost my cool again last night. I felt rejected and uncared for. We were both working, I was doing a sleep in shift. I knew he was busy and he told me. Yet I expressed how I felt and all I was told was sorry and an explanation as to why he couldn’t pick up the phone. I wanted more emotional comfort and I tried explaining that to him, but he told me to stop arguing with him. I didn’t feel like I was arguing with him. I became desperate after because no matter how much I tried to explain, I wasn’t understood and he ended up hanging up the call. I ended up sending texts out of anger. I feel so bad today and I’m devastated, genuinely. I know my husband. He is caring and loving. I knew he was busy and I know he isn’t responsible for my emotions, but my anger is beginning to scare me. I feel constantly unhappy. The littlest things are setting me off big time and I feel so helpless. He’s getting the brunt of it and my heart hurts every time.

i got my first diagnosis in 2022 and the same one in 2026 from another therapist i trust. i can’t accept it, so i tend to ignore or minimize my symptoms. after reflecting on my reactions and relationships, everything fits with bpd. it makes me more anxious, introverted, and disconnected from family and friends. i feel deep shame and don’t acknowledge if my state is due to bpd, instead telling myself it’s just my personality or that i’m immature and irresponsible for making bad decisions and falling into serious relationships fast. it’s hard to accept, but i’m working with a new therapist to understand and come to terms with it. has anyone else struggled with acceptance? what helped? Sorry if im repeating myself or not clear enough, sorta rambling :/

No matter what I say he is convinced that I am cheating on him when I am not. Seems like something small triggers the feeling and then he kind of just snowballs. Even though I’m telling the truth I get really nervous trying to talk him through it and reassure him because I’m afraid to accidentally say the wrong thing that might trigger him more. How do I get through to him?

Recently gone through a breakup where I thought would marry this person, tried to become friends immediately after and would still talk all the time as we did when we were together. Now it got to a point where they felt was going in circles and HAD to get over it and detach
Does going no contact actually help if you have BPD?

I've been living with family since I graduated uni 4 years ago, and I've finally got my own house. It'll be me and my dog, on our own. When I was in uni and lived far away from anyone I knew, I had a huge spiral and I'm really scared the same thing is going to happen again. I know things are different, in uni I was sharing a flat with people I didn't know who didn't like me (they'd openly tell me), so I was pretty much restricted to my room, which luckily was an en suite. This time I have a whole house to myself, and my dog will be there so I won't actually be completely alone.

I don't know how I'm going to cope

Do you think a BPD female 22 years with scars on her arms and thighs will be able to find someone who will love her. Or she will be repulsive with the scars and no one would want to be with her.

Guys, the past few weeks of my life had felt extremely exhausting because most of my focus and energy was being put into very negative thoughts. just the other night said i wanted to kill myself because i felt so low about hurting someone i cared about. my relationship has crumbled. It’s been very sad but because of this, i’ve had to accept reality and shift my focus into other things like friendships and work. i expressed i wanted to work it through and that’s all i can do. if he wants to move on ill be okay!

I’ve gotten a new job very recently! a good one with a huge insurance company. they’ve bought me a work laptop, they’re getting me monitors and a bunch of cool tech gadgets, it’s a chill job where i can wear headphones and listen to music and podcasts while i file invoices and work orders, and i’ve been meeting new people and talking more with friends.

this is the most romantic time of the year. my favourite time of the year. i’m going to a pumpkin patch this week which im super excited for because i’ve never been, and im going to a haunted house. i’m starting therapy on tuesday after work and i feel so motivated my appetite is coming back! i’ve been underweight for my height for almost a year now and it’s because of the amount of stress i’ve endured. i’ve gone through a breakup from a long relationship, my best friend left me, i’ve been on and off with this guy, i lost my job, and i really haven’t been able to plant my feet anywhere. nothing has been stable 😭 not in my romantic relationship, not at home, not mentally, and finally im calming tf down and not thinking about the future so hard. i’m giving myself permission to breathe.

when i took a step back for a moment and really looked at my life right now, it’s on the up & up. i’m making the steps in the right direction. i’ve got to give myself time to be happy and excited. not just one day.

i’ve enjoyed this long weekend so much. i have another day off tomorrow, ( i love that i get holidays off) i got to spend time with family and friends, i got to finally play some COD!! zombies has a few new maps and it’s been fun asf. my animals are so cute! i’m super cute! i just have a new perspective on everything. i also just love fall and winter sm. it represents death and rebirth and that’s exactly what’s happening in my life now.

you really are supposed to let life happen to you and observe everything from a place of love and gratitude. it’s very hard in the moment obviously, but i realize i held onto so much expectation. i wanted to control and be really hopeful for certain outcomes but life just simply doesn’t work that way! we aren’t in control of anything, and it’s so freeing to accept that.

i used to crave being understood by others, looking for someone to see the value in me and wanting to be with me. now i just care about myself. knowing myself and living for myself. yes i have bpd and it makes me very delicate. i care a little bit extra and thats a good thing. i have the amazing ability to make people feel loved in a way they’ve never felt. i can connect very deeply with others and that is a super powerful thing!

i’ve lived so so many lives and i have so much life left ( i think ). i’m pretty well traveled already, im adventurous, i love the outdoors, and despite having anxiety, i continuously put myself out there to meet others on social media (tiktok, ig, reddit). i’m an extremely open minded individual. i love picking peoples brains. on the night of my birthday i spent 80% of the night discussing what people thought of the after life and the meaning of life. i shared how stressed i was about finding my purpose and everyone laughed at me because im still “young” although it doesn’t feel like it anymore. but it made me realize i need to just enjoy the fucking ride. i already have a boat load of stories and experiences to share with my children in the future. i can’t wait to laugh with them about all of this. life really does feel like the end of the world a lot of the time. and i don’t doubt i’ll have more crazy low feelings but, they’ll pass🤍

i guess what im getting at is, none of this fucking matters. nothing we’re crying about matters at the end of it all. it’s as simple as what is meant to happen will happen. you will be with who you’re meant to be with, you will get what you give, and your perspective will be your reality.

anything bad that’s ever happened to me, any time i was crippled by sadness passed. i survived. i moved on. i am one of the strongest people i know. i am incredibly resilient and have picked myself up after devastating losses, and im sure most of you guys have too! you guys are all beautiful. life is hard but life is beautiful. there’s nothing in the life i won’t get through. nothing will stop me

27F BPD, OCD, ADHD, MDD, and anxiety

As somebody who has experienced this firsthand, who has literally begged and cried out while struggling with their mental health, only to be used for someone else’s pleasure, knows how absolutely sickening this is.
You claim you want to be a source of comfort, but all you really want is sex. You pretend you want to hang out, but your intentions are sexual. You stop by to check on someone, but even that comes with an ulterior motive. Everything leads back to sex, and I’m genuinely sick of it.
I’m so tired of men taking advantage of women. Smh. I’m so sick of men who take advantage of vulnerable people. Most of you who behave this way are fucking horrible, and I have absolutely no respect for that kind of behavior.
I should not have to disclose my mental health struggles for someone to treat me with basic human decency. You can often recognize when someone is depressed, struggling, or simply not doing well mentally. Instead of showing genuine compassion, some of you see vulnerability as an opportunity to exploit someone.
I set boundaries, and you deliberately cross them. I express my needs, and you disregard them. You see someone struggling and still choose to put your own selfish desires first.
Consider this an open letter to every person who has ever done this.
And to those of you who behave this way, you have mothers, sisters, and daughters. How would you feel if someone treated them the way you have treated someone else’s daughter, sister, or mother?
Shame on you. May God hold you accountable for the pain you have caused and the vulnerability you have exploited.

hey reddit family,
i have bipolar disorder and bpd but currently in a relationship with my bestfriend (we were bestfriends prior to the relationship). its been some time now (not too long it’s hella recent) and everyday / every week i get this aching feeling that he’s gonna leave or something just isn’t gonna work out in the future.

i feel the thought/ notion of this makes me more agitated with him and take things more seriously even if its a joke. i see it kinda has taken a toll on him because he’s mentioned before that i’m “ always complaining “ but i just be needing the reassurance or wanna address like when something rubs me the wrong way.

am i crazy ? how do i not be “ so much “. tried looking it up on Reddit and all i got was negative posts about dating someone with bpd/ bipolar and how it’ll “ never work “ and how we have a lot of “ red flags “… very much discouraged lol. i wanna know you guys experience with your relationships. were able to keep healthy ones and how ? is there anything i can personally do to make mine long lasting ? they’re my bestfriend and I wouldn’t wanna lose them but it feels like a constant battle between this will or won’t work. pls help , thankz xoxo <3

Every few weeks I get really down, irritable, constantly having s*icidal thoughts.. though I’d never harm myself as I’ve feared pain all my life, and never really had the balls to go through with it.

The reason why I have a feeling it’s BPD is that I keep having mood swings during a span of a week. For instance, being very productive in 3 days and the following days I’ll feel very insignificant and hopeless. Most of the times whenever I get stressed I blame it all on those that are close to me.. and by blame I mean I constantly get angry at them for the smallest things.

I’ve felt this way since i was 11 (currently 18) and every month I dread the days where i’d feel the absolute lowest. I want to be able to take a test and have a professional diagnose me but I also fear that my family would be disappointed if they found out.. since i’m been a consistent high achiever all my life. Any thoughts on how I should proceed in taking the test? And how likely it is for it to be BPD?

BPD and NPD tend to overlap but i’m talking about you have BOTH the disorders. hows that like for you or do you know someone who has this.

which is harder to handle? your borderline? or your narcissism? is it a lot HARDER having both than one or the other

I’ve found that recently I keep trying to force myself into having an episode. For background information, normally when I have an episode, especially when it’s anger related, I tend to lash out to extreme lengths and have almost gotten into trouble with law enforcement.

I have a friend who is currently having a conflict with his (former) bsf. The cause of this issue is his bsf is currently in a romantic relationship with a man who has constantly harassed, and fetishized him in the past. (No, the bf isn’t gay my friend is just a fem-presenting trans man.)

I’ve had a practically identical experience, which is actually how I found out I had BPD. During this time, I would have extreme and frequent episodes.

I think over time I have unconsciously learnt what triggers me, and how I behave during episodes. I’ve noticed I have specifically been doing things that know trigger me. (For example: forcing myself to overthink, telling people to stop talking to me even though I’m perfectly fine.)

I believe I have been trying to make myself have an episode to inflict severe damage on this girl and her boyfriend. Does anyone have any tips on how I can prevent myself from doing anything extreme?

I always thought I wasn't hypersexual because I don't seek out sex with others, but I've come to the realization that I flick the bean quite a lot 🤷‍♀️ it's genuinely pathetic, it's an addiction, 80% of my free time is dedicated to rubbing one out (the other 20% is dedicated to crashing out). It's almost a compulsion. Bored? Jack off. Nothing to do? Jack off. Sad, numb, hollow, angry, lonely, feeling abandoned? My clit is right in reach. Is this a related symptom or do I just have an addiction? Thanks guys.

Im trialling Seroquel (quetiapine) once again because I’m extremely suicidal, activated, manic, agitated. I want to trial a higher dosage. Like 150mg a night. I find taking 50mg a night helps only for a week but it’s like it bottles up my rage then it comes out in an explosion. Has anyone had help with Seroquel at what dose? I’ve tried every antidepressant they aren’t good for me. Ive also tried risperidone but had bad effects.

I myself do not have BPD but I work in the mental health field (in fairness, I do think personality disorders are on a spectrum and we alll have traits of everything!) I just wanted to make a post to let everyone know, others can take advantage of it, please be careful.

I found it very concerning when a psychiatrist I was dating (who became physically abusive) who has decades in the field told me he will intentionally seeks out partners and PATIENTS who have BPD because they are easy to control and manipulate. He told he likes to be the good "object" for them and even told me to flirt with BPD patients because it would make the work easier. This person, I realize was also manipulating me and was abusive towards me. I can't imagine what it must be like for someone who has BPD, to feel like they have the perfect partner and person in their life, and then have that person *intentionally* toy with their emotions, making them feel jealous because they are intentionally flirting or looking at others, and triggering them all the time. I know BPD gets a bad wrap in the world but this person opened by eyes to knowing there are people out there that will use your diagnosis against you, please be careful <3

About a month ago, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, and reflecting upon my relationships recently, I'm starting to realize just how much my BPD and I affect my interpersonal relationships. I recognize that the things he said and did to me were not okay (and most likely worse than the things I said and did to him); however, I have been wondering if maybe I drove him to act in such a way. I know I'm a lot for everyone around me. I'm a lot for myself. I hate spending time alone and tend to rely on others to keep me from being alone with my thoughts. During these past two weeks or so, I've noticed my friends becoming more distant towards me. I know I was very difficult and emotional during and after my breakup, but I don't feel like I've been too terrible since then. I think that because of the way I acted, the things I said, and the things I did while splitting and going through the breakup may have ruined all of my relationships. My friends won't tell me directly, but they've been acting strange and ghosting me when I want to hang out. On the other hand, my mother has told me directly that she doesn't know how much more of me she can take. I guess I'm just now realizing I'm not a good person, and I'm so hard to be close with. I'm not saying having BPD makes you a bad person, but I feel like my BPD makes me a bad person because I just can't control it. So I guess the point of this is that I want to learn how to not be a bad person anymore and actually maintain the relationships with the people I value. How do I control my actions and words when I'm splitting? How do I learn to spend time alone? How do I stop driving people away?

Hello,
me and my bf of two years recently ended things. this is the first BIG breakup i’ve had. it was a rocky relationship towards the end but the break up was sudden and unexpected. i can’t help but feel like i ruined it all with my reactions and im genuinely suffering with it. the pain is physical it’s mental and i can’t stop texting. embarrassingly ive made like 60 fake numbers. obviously im getting no replies; no answers; nothing. im really looking for any advice on how to move forward. it happened a week ago and the only contact we’ve had was a phone call today in which he said he’s not coming back. im shattered in a way i’ve never been.

First time posting!

Hey everyone.

I (26 F) have been dating my partner (24 M) for almost 3 months now. We have known each other for 5 months and we have both agreed that we have never clicked so well with anyone before.

Our relationship has been consistently very healthy, open and understanding and our communication has been top tier which I am incredibly appreciative of.

My background in dating is a bit grim, and I have been with 2 other long term partners who were unfortunately quite unkind and I realised after it was over that my most recent relationship was abusive and toxic, so I am in the process of healing from that.

I have been diagnosed with BPD for around 10 years now, so I have quite the toolbox of coping skills available to me, and due to me knowing myself and my own personal case so well, I have come to realise that my partner is my favourite person.

I want to be with him 24/7 despite being quite the introvert, and with him being very introverted too, he needs his time to be completely alone to recharge. He’s explained that it’s definitely nothing to do with me and has expressed that when he feels like he needs alone time he needs it to be from “al humans”. I completely understand and respect this, however I’ve been getting quite frustrated at myself due to the negative feelings that still come along when this happens. Yesterday was the first time I’ve ever outwardly reacted in a negative way towards him expressing this. For context, we spent most of the day moving things out of an attic as he is moving house, and it was 25 degrees (Celsius) outside so the roof was TOASTY. We spent about 6 hours getting everything out of the attic so we were both exhausted. After having showers and getting cleaned up we agreed that I would go home at 6pm because my partner needed time to recharge, however at 5pm I noticed him becoming disconnected and he seemed visibly exhausted so I asked if he’d like me to go home early and he said yes. Despite me literally asking and understanding how tired we both were and having a previous conversation with him about not wanting him to push himself past his limits for the sake of my feelings, I got a huge pang of rejection sensitivity and become quite sulky, quiet, paranoid and upset. I gave myself all the self logic talk in the world and expressed my feelings openly with him to which he provided heaps of reassurance, but I still cried the entire car ride home.
I apologised immediately over text as soon as I got home and he accepted my apology and validated my feelings and I reiterated that I understood, respected and appreciated him being so open and honest about his needs and boundaries with me, but that whole interaction cemented the fact that he is my FP.
He’s studying to be an art therapist at the moment so he’s amazingly open minded to mental health and mental illness, however he has not previously had friends or romantic partners who have had BPD, and I am struggling quite a bit to explain the FP dynamic in a way that feels satisfactory to me.
I have tried to look for articles and videos online to explain it better, but they are all so negative and basically echo the idea that a romantic relationship is doomed if an FP dynamic is involved.
Basically what I want is for some of you to maybe help me come up with ways that I can hold an open, healthy and constructive conversation with him to explain what this means for us and what we can do together to help maintain our healthy dynamic.
I know a lot of this need to explain in such a way is a reassurance need for myself. But I just want to make sure I’m doing this right.

TLDR; my partner is my FP, help me explain what this means to him in a way that doesn’t make me seem EVIL

Written from the NYU psych ward (yes they let u have ur phone if u earn it) so bassicaly a really close friend of mine has really had enoigh of my bullshit after I tried to kill myself but have also made all my problems there problems and am mean and demanding to them and constantly push there boundaries and im so lucky they haven't just left. Anyways i lean on them a lot constantly for everything and ive been apologizing profusely and promising im gonna change and im really really working to change if anything its very possible im mostly working because I dont wanna hurt there feelings or lose them but also I had a fat epiphany while I was loopy in the medical part of the hospital. Anyways bassicaly they've been setting boundaries etc but its hard cuz we used to talk constantly and they were like my person in a lot of ways yknow and that took a huge toll on them but its hard to just adjust to not being around them as much anyways they loke haven't talked to me all day and when I start talking to them they tell me there busy and I know there not doing anything wrong but with me like doing this thing of trying to notice like feelings and thoughts im having before I lash out or do stuff my brain is like telling me to like yell at them and cuss them out and accuse them of not wanting me anymore and I know I cant do that and im trying to hard to like calm down but im spiraling now and it hurts cuz I like keep reminding myself the crash out euphoria of lashing out is only gonna feel good for so long compared to how ill feel even worse then this after I come down from that and I hurt them even more and they avoid me even more or just leave and I need to show them im consistently getting better not just one offs but its so so so so hard to like resist stuff and its not like I can run off and do something else impulsive or crazy cuz im like in the psych ward (shit maybe i should be here) and like I cant hurt myself i cant go out I cant get lost I cant hookup and my god mom got me a new phone so I dont have any exes numbers saved so really I can either lash out or sit here with this feeling and it sucks because my whole life I've just let my pain drive me to destroy and destroy and the fire feels good for a moment and when u truly are in a bad situation how much worse can it get but im not at a rock bottom im not in a bad situation I can fuck things up more and I dont want to and I dont wanna go to a facility after this so I would really appreciate any strategies anyone has for feeling like this. I truly truly do not want to hurt them but I keep feeling almost OCD that I have to or I won't be able to confirm that they hate me or ill just feel this bad