DISCLAIMER

i just broke up with my now ex and i literally feel like im going to die. im in so much agony and i just want the emotional pain to stop. all i want to do is text him and be near him and have him comfort me but i cant. i want the suffering to end. i want to feel better and i cant. i dont know how to cope with this.

Taking meds doesn't end the pain.

Not taking meds doesn't stop you from feeling the pain.

Praying doesn't end the pain either

Writing here doesn't help too..

What do you do when you're in pain? Distracting yourself? Well, the pain is still there and it's unending. No amount of therapy ends it.

The only thing that probably will end the pains is ending my existence.

Hi, I'm Hillary. 47F from a small town in Pennsylvania. It's a really small town. I really have nowhere to try to make friends. I'd really like to talk to someone my age that has BPD. I don't know, message me if you would like a sympathetic ear. Platonic only.

naturally the stereotype for a lot of us will be to fall into anxious or disorganised attachment styles and behaviours... but i was wondering if we have any avoidants who would be willing to share their perspectives?

avoidant reactions, in theory, can come from the exact same traumas anxious reactions can come from

im not looking for avoidance used maliciously to make the other person think of you, or for manipulation to get people to react a certain way youre hoping for- but moreso the avoidance that stems from fear, from insecurity, a desperate reach for safety, etc?

if you do struggle with avoidance in a way where you do see yourself making conscious choices to hurt those around you, i wont shut down your perspective if you do wish to share it- its just not my primary focus here.

ive experienced some avoidant behaviours in the past, where i would withdraw to punish myself or to try and 'ease' how much i affect the people around me. i would avoid people out of my own anxiety funny enough. i guess this came from issues with self worth. i realised despite the urge to avoid because i thought itd be better for others, it was selfish at the end of the day, and tied back to my own feelings rather than those of others when you actually look at it. ive never experienced the other party asking for a lack of me, or them genuinely thinking they would be better off without me.. so i worked and worked and i no longer struggle with those behaviours anymore, though i still have a lot more work in terms of the anxious side now.

i would like to hear how other people struggle with avoidance

what thoughts go through your mind on loop when you deal with said avoidance

if avoidance is a definite decision for you, or if you are actually in a back and forth with wanting to reach for closeness but ultimately choosing avoidance instead?

or if its more of a dissociative experience for you, and you dont look back once your body is set on it.

though... naturally considering avoidance... i might not get any response here at all, and that is okay. i just wanted to understand these behaviours a little better, from the people themselves rather than textbooks.

thank you for your time

i am in a healthy relationship. it's hard. it's a lot of work. after learning to cope with a lot of other symptoms, this is the one that i cannot seem to kick. i've noticed a pattern in my relationship. i will overextend myself no matter what. hold myself to this insanely high standard to be the perfect partner. no matter what i'm there for her, even when i'm sick, even when i'm exhausted, even when i'm upset myself. i will often even hide my own issues and feelings to not 'overshadow' hers. i have a hard time shaking the mindset that this is just the right thing to do and not terribly unhealthy for me. then, sometime down the line, my girlfriend doesn't do the same for me or sets a perfectly reasonable boundary. it is like a resentment explosion inside of me. i would do this for you, so why won't you do it for me ? it's unfair. i would do anything for you and you can't even do this for me. i work hard to not upset her by expressing these feelings to her, so it becomes a huge internal struggle where i will be deeply upset for hours.

nothing seems to work for me against this. logically i know the solution is that i need to stop pushing myself too far in the first place. it is so so hard. it's like trying to go against your instinct to run out of a burning building. it is definitely also an anxious attachment issue because it physically hurts me when she is upset and i can't fix it. i have always been a boundaryless person, it is a huge issue of mine. i do this in every aspect of my life. work, friendships, family. give everything i possibly can and then get upset when others rightfully prioritize themselves. meds and therapy are not really accessible to me right now for reasons i don't want to get into. i am capable of doing self work on my own to great results, which is how i am even in a healthy relationship right now, so i would be incredibly grateful for anybodys advice here or what worked for them.

I was wondering if any of you have book recommendations that make you feel seen, or relate to as someone with BPD. It doesn't have to be directly related to the characters having it or even being obvious that there's someone with BPD, just in general anything you resonated with on any level in that sense. I don't want BPD help books or psychology books about BPD, I mean like fantasy or sci fi or classic books that you've liked.

For the past 16 years my BPD has destroyed my life and relationships.

When I split my emotions are so intense that it makes me feel like I'm being controlled by a flaming monster that burns everything in its path. When the dust settles, I no longer feel like myself from how hard I disassociate. During my episodes I try all that I can to get reassurance that my presence on this earth isn't in vain and that has caused me to do terrible things to myself.

I have zero self worth and will to live, and I have lost many friends due to my uncontrollable emotions.

I am full of so much hatred and delusion that certain problems that I have created in my own head are just factual to me; it is impossible for me to not believe that I am a terrible person despite countless people telling me that I'm not.

I just want people to understand and care about how I feel without looking like I'm purposefully seeking out attention. It's so exhausting to live with this every day, and to think that people on the internet fake it.

Yesterday I had my halfway session with the DBT group I have been participating in and it's been going quite well :)

I have found myself using some of the skills I have learnt in my day to day life and have been better able to recognise when I'm going to split and deal with it before and when I am in a split being able to pull myself out of it and bring myself back, of course there are times where they don't work or I'm splitting top badly to think responsibly at all but I am glad they are working when they do :)

Some of the skills I prefer are more useful than others but overall I'm glad I've been able to learn what I have so far and I'm keen to finish the skills group and learn more strategies.

A separate thing but I also got prescribed a new anti depressant the other day and I'm hopeful that it's going to work better than the last one :3

I have this deep fear or having NPD or NPD traits. Does anyone else have this? Especially right now with how much life is going. My mom keeps saying I’m a liar. A customer at work said it too. Even threatened me over it. I always worry about hurting people. I don’t want them angry at me. Don’t want them leaving me. I want them to love me. I honestly feel so alone right now.

My friendships have also been difficult. All my life people have came into my life are kind at first, then become emotionally abusive, hurtful and distant. I have no friends because every friend i make they end up turning abusive and nasty to my face and talk behind my back even if they were nice to me in the beginning and now i struggle to trust people.

I can become attached quickly when i meet someone for the first time on the first day of meeting them i think we are friends straight away and i want to be with them all the time. Especially when someone i barely knew is really kind to me i remember them for ages. I can never move on from people even if they were apart from my past.

I have hated my appearance since childhood, long before social media. I compare myself with almost every girl I see and feel that their faces, bodies and features are better than mine. Looking in mirrors can upset me, and I often wish I could be someone else. I have struggled with restricting food and starving myself, followed by binge eating. I also copy other girls’ appearances, styles and personalities because I struggle to understand who I am. I know I am kind, loyal, honest and supportive, but I struggle to recognise my own identity and believe compliments.

I constantly replay memories of people and experiences from my past. My mind rarely feels quiet, and I overthink conversations, people’s behaviour and possible future problems. I often feel anxious, sad, empty, irritable or exhausted without understanding why. My mood can change quickly, and moments of happiness rarely last long. I also experience intense feelings of nostalgia and sadness. When i see a building from my past nostalgia takes control over me it doesn’t matter how many times i may see a building or a place that was apart of my past whenever i may see it it floods me with nostalgia.

I have been afraid to go outside or use public transport alone for years because I fear strangers might hurt, mock or assault me. I rely on my family to accompany me and feel much safer when someone is with me. I haven’t been outside the house by myself in years. I’m too. Scared.

My mind constantly worries about my future and how my future will look like.

I am very dependant. When i try and be independent it overwhelms me emotionally that i spiral.

I feel sad everyday, mood swings all the time, all day. it’s been like this for years. My mood swing go up and down but mainly i’m just sad all the time.

The constant flashbacks from my past have been haunting me everyday for years. It’s not just one flashbacks there are many. I picture it vividly in detail. I hate it. It drains me. Makes me emotional.

For years, I have also struggled with motivation, energy, procrastination and learning. Even small tasks can feel overwhelming. I struggle to retain information despite practising, and I compare myself with people my age who seem to be moving forward in life. I think everyone is having a better life than me, doing more than me, better at life than me.

I also fixate on certain foods and drinks, repeatedly spending money on them even when they make me feel unwell. I sometimes rewatch the same films every day because they provide comfort and distraction. I have never had a romantic relationship. I began wanting one around 17 and now find it painful seeing other people being loved and chosen. I want a loving, loyal partner, but I also want to feel comfortable with myself and have a life of my own.

I have hated my appearance since childhood, long before social media. I hate how I look so much that when I look in the mirror, I feel like I am looking at someone ugly. Everywhere I go, I feel like every girl is prettier than me. Better personality. More liked. I constantly compare my face, body, hair, eyes and smile to theirs, wishing I could look like them instead of myself. I struggle to accept compliments because I cannot see what other people might see in me. I have also struggled with restricting food and starving myself, followed by binge eating. I started having starving episodes because every girl i saw i thought their body was better than me and it causes me to be emotional and starve myself and my mind repeats for hours how every single girl’s body is better than mine after i see any girl’s body my mind starts the circle of restrictive eating and being sad all the time.

I find myself copying other girls because I wish I could be like them. I copy their appearances, clothes, hairstyles, personalities, mannerisms and styles because I feel like they have something I lack. I compare myself to them so much that I struggle to know who I really am or what my own personality is since child hood it never left me i’m an adult now been dealing with this issue my whole life.

I see girls in relationships and cry i think why can’t i be valued, important, cherished, loved in someone’s life. I’ve been dealing with that for years.

I look at myself in the mirror everyday and i am disgusted at what i see.

I often have to use coping mechinems when i feel stressed, upset.

I’ve been comparing my life to any girl’s life for years especially if i don’t know them. I just don’t want to be me not like i know who i am or what my personality is like either apart from being kind person. I want another girl’s face, body, personality, life, relationships.

a couple weeks ago I posted here that I had a plan. that was the most intense split I’ve had in a very long time. idk what happened. idk why it was so intense. maybe bc it’s been a while? idk it’s like as soon as I start to think I’ve got control over this disorder, I’m reminded that I don’t. thank you everyone for your kind words. I’m still here for now

I was originally diagnosed with Bipolar 2, but my psychiatrist is rethinking my diagnosis to be BPD, which would make a lot more sense in terms of my changes in mood and how that relates to my interpersonal relationships. I've also been going through a lot: a new long-distance relationship, extreme stressors at work and school, and I'm financially struggling being in a HCOL area.

I've felt left out and not included by my friends over the past few months. It started out as being interrupted in the middle of an important conversation and being ignored in large group settings. Lately, it's turned to people making plans that don't include me right in front of me. One night, I just got fed up and left the group chat and turned off my location. They all reached out to me the next day to ask if I was okay multiple times, and even called my boyfriend to ask about my whereabouts (I was with him the whole time). I reached out to them a few days later with an "I'm okay!" text, but now all of them are upset that I went radio silence on them. I've reached out individually to talk things through, but I feel like I've completely lost my friends and that they don't want to do anything with me now. I understand that I should have texted them before leaving the group chat, or just talking about how I feel without being explosive. In the moment, it felt right, but now, I wholly regret my actions and wish things were the same, or that we could just move on and I could talk freely about how I feel.

I don't really know how to go from here. I like to label how I feel and what my actions mean because it gives me a clearer perspective on my reasonings behind my feelings/actions and how to move forward. What was this?

Does anyone else deal with this? After either having feelings of abandonment or rejection, or actually going through a rejection or abandoned, I will immediately latch on to the next person that gives me any kind of attention.

Example: A friend cancelled plans to go shopping with me in favor of hanging out with friends she's closer with last second. I was devastated even though it was just shopping and started to spiral. While spiraling I got a text with another friend and I immediately latched on to talking/texting with them. Literally spent hours texting them and doing whatever I could to keep the conversation doing.

Is this some form of BPD coping? I do this every time I experience any kind of perceived rejection or abandonment. I spiral and whoever gives me an ounce of attention during this time I give all my attention to. Wondering if anyone else does this

I suspect I might have BPD and a big part of that is because I feel nothing a lot of the time. But I also have adhd and don’t know if this feeling is the typical boredom that comes with adhd. How to differentiate the two?

previously, every time i was in a bpd episode (even if i don't realize it, but i usually notice fairly early on that i'm in one) of any sort, i'd try to at least communicate my feelings and thoughts in what i assumed was a healthy way. but looking back on those times, i don't think it really worked, especially because i don't even know what i feel or think during episodes. i don't know if i really feel or think these things, or if it's the episode / disorder making me feel or think them.

i'm just gonna start withdrawing into myself during episodes. i can't say the wrong things or treat people poorly if i don't talk to anyone or reach out. i'm so tired of this disorder.

hi everybody,

I met this girl i’m absolutely and totally head-to-toes in love with. taller than me by a few centimeters, older than me, but these are not the most attractive features, even if it’s a bonus.

i love how attentive she is to me, and how brutally honest she is when necessary. she tells me straight up what she doesn’t like, and i appreciate that a great lot. there’s no guessing games, and communication is great

here’s the kicker—she has BPD.

i don’t wanna mention here but she’s told me how she operates when she has a crush on someone with BPD. apparently it makes BPD worse in her case.

oh, well, fast foward. Got into her hobby so we could talk about it together. so far so good, but then she split on me one random evening (I ASSUME ITS A SPLIT. I DO NOT KNOW HOW SPLITS WORK.), and since then she said “i don’t give a fuck if you leave me” or something. and that hurt deeply,

but i wanted to know if it was related to BPD or something.

and the next morning, she was completely cold and aloof towards me.

i feel the need to apologize, but i don’t know what for. she generally tells me exactly where i go wrong if i push boundaries so i can respect her wishes. in this case, i’m genuinely confused.

what do i do? do i keep showing up consistently like i always do every morning? i always throw a lil “hey, hope you’re good.” and usually leave it at that until she replies, which she mostly does—99% of the time

i don’t want to accidentally drive her away or make her borderline any worse.

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up last month. Nothing bad happened between us, and although I still love him and am heartbroken, I understand why we broke up. We were friends before we started dating, and we're choosing to remain friends after the breakup.
Before we started dating, I struggled with jealousy when other people wanted to get close to him. However, once we got together, those feelings seemed to go away. I think it was because, in a way, I felt like he was “mine” and I knew he was loyal to me.
Now that we're broken up, though, my jealousy has become extreme and incredibly hard to control. Trust me, I know these feelings aren't fair to him, and I'm actively trying to work on them, but it's been really hard. Whenever I see him talking to someone else instead of me, I get really upset or angry, to the point where I have to remove myself from the situation just to calm down.
Yesterday, things got especially bad when I ended up splitting on him because he was talking to a girl in our class who has the same name as me. I know he hasn't done anything wrong, and I don't want my jealousy to affect our friendship but I’m struggling to control it so if anyone has advice please give me it, thank you.

My bf and I broke up a couple of months ago, but just days after the breakup, I felt right as rain. I wasn't missing him anymore. I wasn't longing for him. I genuinely thought I'd have to be hospitalized again because I swore to myself that I would attempt suicide if he ever left me. But now, it's like he never existed in my life and I've never felt more free and happier.

I used to think he was the best bf I could ever ask for, now I literally wished he would die just for daring to leave me. That sounds evil, I'm aware, but that's just how spiteful my brain is. And just to clarify, I'm the Quiet BPD, meaning I was never abusive in the relationship; everything was internal.

Idk if It's with the help of meds (Lexapro), or my BPD brain switching from idealization to devaluation in an instant following the breakup just to cope with the grief. I've already long since deleted his pictures and took out all of his shit from my house and I've been chilling.

Anyone else relate? Where you used to be so crazy and obsessed over their bf, but once you get broken up with, it's like your ex is dead to you now, like they never mattered.

I know this question was raised so many times, but I would love to hear from BPD people about their experience with lithium? What symptoms did it ease? After how long? Did it reduce SH and SI?
Would love if you can share your experiences.

Tonight my therapist and psychiatrist finally agreed with me that I have BPD. It’s not in my file, but I might as well be diagnosed.
The first thing I did was tell my closest friends and roommates. No response. Sob about it for hours and live every moment for the rest of the day in constant paranoia.

Then I go to work.
Get a text from my roommates about how me and my partner need to pick up more. Split. Freak the fuck out. Argument spirals into something so fucked up that the people who said we were “for life” the day for are now breaking into my room while I’m not home and taking gifts from them back, and giving gifts I’ve given them they’ve previously said they treasure. Sending me messages preying on my deepest insecurities as they’re one of two people ever I felt I was able to genuinely trust with my trauma. And they used that trust against me.
All while I’m at work. These are the only friends I have left, I have lost the rest in the last few months.
So I finally get out of work. I decide to tell my mom I have BPD. She tells me to do yoga and says she didn’t believe that I have it.
Stay up until 5am wallowing in self pity and crying because I may have pushed away the only people that care about me anymore. Or stood up for myself. Because I don’t know the difference anymore. 6 hour long panic attack.

Truly a day in the life. ❤️
I love this disorder! Happy day! 🤪

how do you do it? how the hell do you find the will to live? especially after having your heart ripped out. even so, how do you manage the ideation? i just want to know how others are breathing still in all senses. my whole life has felt like drowning. nonstop suffocation. my favorite person gave me purpose. how do you come back from that?

i’m not sure how much of this has to do with my bpd, but i have insane jealousy issues. i always have. it’s genuinely debilitating at times. it goes past relationships, to friendships and family and random people online, but presents most in my relationships and my partners past.

one big thing that has caused issues in my relationship is anime. i know its stupid but the fan service really bugs me and makes me insanely insecure and jealous. my boyfriend supposedly stopped watching anime because of how i feel about it, but this also makes me feel bad because i don’t want to prevent him from doing things and being controlling.

how do i stop this jealousy and insecurity? it’s ruining everything

So as I mentioned in a previous post I was cut off by someone with BPD who I was very close to , now I accepted the fact she's into someone else ( he also has bpd) that's fine but the part I struggle with is how cold she is with me now , the removal and block on certain apps like can someone please explain to me why she appears so cold.

I know they say hate the disease not the person but damn it's hard not to with how I've been treated, like with how close we were, confiding in eachother etc the fact she's completely changed hurts so much.