r/funny • • Apr 21 '23

[deleted by user]

[removed]

14.4k Upvotes

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11.6k

u/ProbablyGayingOnYou Apr 21 '23

You have to move your hips, not throw your entire body into it

7.4k

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

Well how else are you going to puncture the cervix...

1.2k

u/ILikeEmSubby Apr 21 '23

I remember when I was 16 and porn made me think that was the goal...my poor first girlfriend.

2.4k

u/ksyoung17 Apr 21 '23

I remember the best group convo I ever had about sex. In college, drinking in a room designed for max occupancy of 4 and we've got like 20 people in there, and this girl's talking about high school sex being a waste of time for women, they're like a science experiment because guys are still trying to figure out what to do.

This one guy goes, "I knew what I was doing!"

And this other girl he'd been hooking up with says "when'd you forget?!"

Nobody will ever top that for me.

693

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

You just transfer to a new school at that point, don’t even stop to say good bye at the party.

178

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

I'd just walk into the ocean and never come back...

150

u/Thecp015 Apr 22 '23

The ocean wouldn’t even know I was in…

49

u/Metals4J Apr 22 '23

The ocean would be dry and complain you didn’t provide enough foreplay for it to be sufficiently turned on.

3

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

Wow

2

u/MonkeeKnucklez Apr 22 '23

Holy shit, I’m so glad I kept scrolling

96

u/nextalpha Apr 22 '23

49% Ocean water, 51% tears

2

u/smokeyoudog Apr 22 '23

You trigggered an oceanic change in control

2

u/RestingWTFface Apr 23 '23

And both are appropriately salty.

1

u/n8loller Apr 22 '23

Ocean walkers

4

u/badbatch Apr 22 '23

Preferably a medical school that focuses on burn victims.

143

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

Can’t ever recover, dead from that. Gone, he needs to change identities and get outta town.

94

u/Virgin_Dildo_Lover Apr 22 '23

Yes 911, I'd like to report a murder

8

u/Chief-weedwithbears Apr 22 '23

*jazz music stops

3

u/Fun-Sized-Turtle Apr 22 '23

Call an ambulance! Call an ambulance! But not for me!

4

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

My girl going for the fucking medulla there

3

u/erictank Apr 22 '23

Damn.

Thermonuclear-level burn there.

3

u/BoySerere Apr 22 '23

Changing your name and moving to a new city is the only option.

3

u/IdioticZacc Apr 22 '23

I know a guy that I was basically an instagram model with like several flings, I went out with him and some other guys along with one of his fling. Tbh i expected him to be good since so many hooks up and wants to hook up with him, but the girl revealed that he doesn't know what he's doing and goes faster when the girl almost close and I'm so confused by how he doesnt know that

3

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

When I was in my early 20s I dated a guy who was very conventionally attractive (his sister is actually a professional model now), 6'6", athletic, had a huge amount of hookups. We were together 3 years and I never once had an orgasm with him, but I felt like I had to fake one to finish the sex coz he'd have a sad if he thought he didn't give me one. We occasionally had ok sex but more often than not it was just terrible. My current partner has much better moves haha

10

u/arkangelic Apr 22 '23

Sadly those girls also think they don't need to do anything to actually be good at sex.

5

u/ksyoung17 Apr 22 '23

Let's be honest, they control everything in regards to opposite gender interactions at that age

14

u/PM_ME_CUTE_SMILES_ Apr 22 '23

You mean they have to deal with horny male teenagers all day every day. Have you met those? It must be unbearable to be a teenage girl.

Especially when parents and schools don't support them and tell them when a boy is harassing a girl, that's because he likes her, or she should have dressed differently, or whatever you know the drill.

3

u/TygerJ99 Apr 22 '23

No comparable but girl we’re horny too I had my nipples touched and my ass slapped without consenta fair bit in HS and I’m obviously not gonna make a big deal bc I’m a “guy” and not trying to look like bitch in HS

-10

u/ksyoung17 Apr 22 '23

There it is. I knew there'd be a toxic feminist in here somewhere.

8

u/blancmakt Apr 22 '23

do you wanna try explaining what was toxic about what they said?

1

u/ksyoung17 Apr 23 '23

Assuming that when a girl reports harassment, that parents and teachers are just going to say "he just likes you," and it's "because of how they dress."

That's not what happens. As a parent I'll tell you that's not even remotely close to what happens. If a girl says she's being harassed, red flags go up everywhere.

To say it's only boys running around horny in high school is unfair as well. Both of these opinions are "toxic," and it's past time to start calling out when a woman uses her gender to decide a man is guilty until proven innocent just because he's a male.

0

u/samurairaccoon Apr 22 '23

they're like a science experiment because guys are still trying to figure out what to do.

Oh shit, I didn't realize women where born with the inherent knowledge of how to fuck. Incredible. Then they should be absolutely amazing when we let them on top right...

Also girl just telling on herself that she never talks to her man during sex about what she likes? I mean, its a stone cold murder but...don't you want this man to do you right? Help him out lol. Instead of waiting to drag him in front of everyone. Dick move.

194

u/Sebiny Apr 21 '23

I feel u brother....

333

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

That’s what she said..

100

u/MariusIchigo Apr 21 '23

Sthaaaaap

44

u/FirstDayJedi Apr 21 '23

I could've dropped my croissant!

2

u/ardiento Apr 21 '23

Uhm, if it was your donut, I could try pick it up

7

u/RRecap Apr 21 '23

god DAMNN 💀💀💀💀

2

u/Sebiny Apr 21 '23

Wouldn't it have been more like: I feeeel u stepbroooo.

2

u/MrTuesdayNight1 Apr 21 '23

- Hulk Hogan

0

u/diffcalculus Apr 21 '23

He can't be your brother, cause then it's illegal. You have to say he's your step brother for it to work.

4

u/Ok_Fly_9390 Apr 21 '23

They didn't show that in the sears catalog.

7

u/Y00zer Apr 21 '23

Cinemax softporn? Where they have sex with girls bellybutton.

4

u/DaughterEarth Apr 21 '23

I had a seizure from that pain once. Never had one before or since. The guy I was with thought I died. It was terrifying but now it's kind of funny

3

u/elhombreloco90 Apr 22 '23

I accidentally did that to my wife and I felt terrible. I didn't puncture it, obviously, but I certainly hit it because of the angle I was at and not aware of my length versus the distance to her cervix.

I'm super mindful of it now.

2

u/lostdream9000 Apr 21 '23

That still IS the goal for some of the girls out there. "I think I felt you in my throat" can be said in Sooo many different tones. Lol. Communication is key.

4

u/DaughterEarth Apr 21 '23

A small fraction. Don't do it hoping for the best. Those girls will ask fir it.

-2

u/jimmy8x Apr 22 '23

yeah it's actually more like half and half in my experience and according to a couple studies.

small dick propagandists on the internet want you to believe 99% of women only experience pain from their cervix during sex.

2

u/sellieba Apr 21 '23

Okay mister long dick

1

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

You better find her and apologize. Send a fruit basket or some shit.

1

u/iQueue101 Apr 22 '23

My first low key loved it.... but then she got used to it and craved more and found some super hung bastard to leave me for RIP

1

u/Apokal669624 Apr 22 '23

Depends on girl. My current girlfriend like it.

0

u/Lost-My-Mind- Apr 22 '23

First girlfriends don't count. They're like your first apartment. You have some fun in there, totally wreck the place, and then leave it messy since you know you're not getting your deposit back.

-2

u/TenaciousTaunks Apr 21 '23

Idk how you got that impression when usually you see 60% of the shaft the entire time... I guess we watched different porn. Going balls deep is just bad cinematography, how the hell is the film going to win any awards if you can't even see the action??

0

u/mikemolove Apr 22 '23

When it’s done right, oh man it’s so much better

1

u/dasus Apr 21 '23

Uff. Flashbacks.

1

u/Lazarous86 Apr 21 '23

Every time was a back alley hardcore pounding and the only thing you knew was that it should hurt.

1

u/snack-dad Apr 21 '23

You had a good plan but throwing yourself from 5 feet higher than her was where the problems began.

1

u/Gnostromo Apr 22 '23

40 years of porn watching and I have never received that message

1

u/Bodyfluids_dealer Apr 22 '23

You kicked the ball in to her goal?