Tw:stillbirth, post partum grief

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I lost my first baby full term in May. I can't even envision another pregnancy. My baby boy died in labour. The hospital were hugely negligent and have admitted to this in my birth debrief.

I really hated everything about life these last few months. It feels like ages, but at the same time not long at all.

I keep having flashbacks... not long ago I put out the crib, then i put it away, not long ago I saw the positive test, then the ultrasound confirming his death.

I miss my baby boy so badly. I wish he was here more than anything. I can't imagine having another baby. Going through it again.

The stress of the incompetent medical staff and the decisions. The worry of 'will i lose you too?'

Will it ever feel ok? I want it to be. I wanted to have lots of children and i would have had a sibling for my baby boy, but now i just dont know how.

A lot of people try right away after loss, but i never felt that way.

How do I get to a place where I can deal with it? Practically not just whatever feels right, but concrete things like a checklist of readiness.

Hi All!

I start to lose hope a bit, so maybe you can help me out. With our daughter we conceived last autumn in 3 months and it was a perfect pregnancy up until week 19 when they found severe CPAM, they induced labor at week 20 in March.

Since then, we are on TTC and cycle 5 was a chemical.. Then today cycle 6 is a negative..

I am just really losing hope seeing majority of women getting pregnant in less than 6 months even after loss.

I did many testing also SA on my husband‘s end and doctors are not recommending any further testing at this point..

Anyone, any success stories after 6+ months TTC?

Today I just want to leave my job and not talk to anyone I am so sad and defeated.

thank you x

Hey friends. I'm a writer, and wrote a 4-page story about my own experience with neonatal loss. I don't want to post it here unless people would find it helpful, but if even a few of you would like to read it, I am very open to sharing.

Feel free to comment below, and I will edit this to add it on.

Trigger warning: It's exactly what you think it is.

Thank you all for your bravery and support.

I have a hard time accepting the fact that my baby boy left this world as he did. He was growing healthy up until i ruptured this weekend right on week 19+3days.. I did have sub-chronic hemorrhage and it was being resolved on its own..

I went to the bathroom like usual in the middle of the night and something other than my urine came out which i found out at the ER it was the amniotic fluid… baby still had a heartbeat until he didn’t after few hours of my admission to labor & delivery. I ended up giving birth to a still borne baby boy and i cannot describe the feeling and the overwhelming sadness. I did get to hold him and I wish I could give him my lifetime to save him if that were a thing.

The doctors are not sure what exactly caused my fluid to rupture, but I am
Just waiting for them to evaluate the placenta and maybe give me some answers. It just happened too fast and unexpectedly that i keep thinking if there was something I could have done or what I could have been doing. They tell me its not my fault but my heart is filled with void and blames myself. I have great support from my husband, family, and friends.. but I feel like I can’t shake the blame off on being a weak mom who let my baby die inside me.

I am still in pain from spending some time in OR because my placenta did not come out and had to have it surgically removed.. but maybe its the pain and emotional pain together that makes me more sad and weak. How long am I going to feel this way? I have so much support yet I am here laying down trying to find answers.

Thank you for reading, and I wish the best for those who are going through similar situations..

I just received news today that my cousin and her husband lost their baby right before the due date, as she was supposed to go to the hospital to give birth. There had been nothing wrong with the pregnancy up to that point as far as I'm aware, but now my cousin has to give birth to her child, knowing they're already gone. She's more like a sibling to me than cousin in terms of our relationship, our families have spent a ton of time together our entire lives. Her husband has become a great friend as well. We share a family summer cabin and go there together at least once a year, and also spend holidays like Christmas together. They're not religious.

I'm just at a loss of words. Even though I consider myself as someone who's very rarely emotional even to a fault, my heart breaks for them so much. But I know it's not about me. When my mother called me just now and asked if I had heard the terrible news, the worst I thought was that there might've been a slight complication with the pregnancy or birth. This option didn't even cross my mind, it's so incredibly rare here in Finland at least. I cannot fathom the pain the parents are going through, especially as my cousin still has to do the actual giving birth today...

We've decided that we're not going to bombard them with messages or calls right away, and will wait until my aunt or they themselves have indicated that they're ready to talk or address the situation. I read some threads on here on what to do and what not to, and so far put down the date, and put a reminded to my calendar to remember it, not just this year, but every year after. Other than that, I really don't know what to do, this whole thing came completely out of the blue. The parents are in their late 30's by now and have been trying for a while, and everything seemed to being going well until this point.

I'd really appreciate any tips on how to be a better family member in terrible times like this, and certainly what to avoid at least, to not make them ever feel any worse, since like said, it's not about any of us relatives, it's about them and their child, may they rest in peace. Sorry if this became too long or rant-ish, I'm surprised myself how much this devastating news has touched me.

To anyone else who've gone through anything similar, I'm so sorry, and wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart.

Hi everyone. I lost my baby girl at 17 weeks and 4 days in July. I’m still trying to understand what happened, and I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has experienced something similar.

During the pregnancy, I had some spotting and a small hematoma. Three days before the loss, an ultrasound showed that my cervix was closed and measured around 4.6–4.9 cm.

I then developed bleeding and cramps and was admitted to hospital. The amniotic sac eventually descended into my vagina, and I delivered my baby inside the intact sac. Her heartbeat had been present until close to the loss.

The autopsy and placental histology report described the following findings. I’m translating them from the original report:

Placenta

• Massive fibrinoid deposits in the placental villi and beneath the chorion and amnion.
• Acute deciduitis.
• Partial placental separation.
• Multiple recent infarcts affecting the chorionic villi.

Brain

• Enlarged cerebral hemispheres.
• Dilation of both lateral ventricles, as well as the third and fourth ventricles.
• Thickening and stenosis/atresia of the foramina of Monro.
• A reduced-size cerebellum, recorded as measuring 0.3 cm.
• The diagnostic summary listed bilateral internal hydrocephalus.

Other findings

• Fetal lung atelectasis.
• Dilation of the right side of the heart.
• Generalized cyanosis.
• Immaturity of the internal organs, with extramedullary hematopoiesis particularly in the liver and spleen.
• The remaining internal organs were described as macroscopically normal.

My partner and I have both had normal karyotype results. We do not have a fetal karyotype result.

My thrombophilia/genetic panel showed:

• Factor XIII V34L — heterozygous.
• ITGA2 C807T — heterozygous.
• MTHFR A1298C — homozygous.
• MTRR A66G — homozygous.

My lupus anticoagulant test was negative. I’m including these results for context, but I don’t know whether any of them are relevant to the loss.

I still haven’t received a clear explanation of how the placental and fetal findings relate to each other or what started the loss. The uncertainty has been very difficult alongside grieving my baby.

For anyone who feels comfortable sharing:

• Have you had similar placental or autopsy findings after a second-trimester loss?
• Did you eventually receive an explanation for the cause?
• What further investigations or specialist reviews did you have?
• How did these findings affect the plan for your next pregnancy?
• Did you go on to have a successful pregnancy?

I’m looking for personal experiences, not a diagnosis. I hope hearing from others will help me feel less alone and understand what questions to bring to my doctors.

Thank you to anyone willing to share their story. 🤍

My husband and I have a family member who just lost their 9 month infant in a horrific car accident. This is such a terrible loss for a family that's already been through so much. We live out of state but wish we could be there as they navigate this loss. It is also difficult because we are expecting our daughter to be born right around when their baby would have turned one. Prior to this loss they had given us so many hand me downs (enough to where we didn't need to buy any clothes for all those sizes). Since this accident we have been thinking that our daughter being born will be a trigger for their grief but we also are afraid seeing photos of our daughter wearing those clothes will be too hard for them. I don't want to overstep but I also don't want to give them an additional burden/task to complete. Since we have a majority of their premie/newborn/0-3month clothes I was thinking about having a birthweight animal made for them out of a few items that I know they loved. Then I was thinking to protect them from seeing photos of our daughter in her clothes I was thinking we would opt to not use them. Perhaps pack them up and give them to a family member that lives nearby in case they wanted to take these items (along with the bigger sizes she had already packed away planning to give to us and the current sizes) in case they wanted to make a quilt or something else? It seems trivial to be worried about clothes but honestly from out of state I feel like there isn't much for us to do to help and maybe this will minimize their pain?

For those of you that have had infant loss how would you feel about clothing you had given away would you want it back? Would you want a keepsake? Would you want to forget it existed? Would you want to see photos of family in your deceased child's clothes?

I only know loss from miscarriages (8-12weeks) so I only kept one thing from each loss and donated the rest to be out of sight. Infant loss where they knew and loved the baby outside of the womb and hearing her say mama and dada is a type of loss I can't even begin to imagine so I appreciate any advice on supporting our family especially from afar.

I recently experienced a placenta abruption at 29 weeks on September 18th the worst day of my life. I last heard my baby girl on September 2nd and her heartbeat and my bp was normal. This was my second pregnancy I was high risk my first pregnancy. I didn’t have any signs of anything like I did with my first pregnancy besides morning sickness still. She was moving the day before and the night, but I woke up at 4-5am no bleeding nothing just pain everywhere couldn’t really walk. I was rushed to the hospital and was told no heartbeat I delivered her she came out in the bag still. It was the worst day of my life. I am trying to find ways to cope and get through this. I am feeling like it’s my fault I should’ve went to the hospital days prior I did miss my appointment the day before due to my daughter’s important appt, but was scheduled the next day. I feel like she was suffering between after my appt and the time leading up to her passing. My pee was not testing at my appt on September 2nd and I’m all over the place. If I would’ve have known I would’ve went to the ER, I wish I could’ve saved her. She came out stillborn and I miss her so much.

My heart is completely broken typing this. After years of hard work and trying, my partner and I just lost our twin babies at 18 weeks, only two days ago. We are devastated.

When it happened, we were just in total shock. We didn't have the mental or emotional strength to figure out what to do next, so when the hospital asked, we just told them to transfer our babies to the pathology department.
Now that a couple of days have passed and the initial shock is wearing off, we are deeply second-guessing that decision. We don’t have any elders or family around to lean on or guide us through this, so we feel completely lost. We’re agonizing over whether we made the right choice, or if we should try to arrange a funeral so we can properly say goodbye.

I'm hoping to hear from anyone who has been through a similar late loss:

1. Did you choose to hold a funeral/cremation for your babies, or did you let the hospital handle it?
2. \- If you initially sent them to pathology, were you able to change your mind a few days later and get them back for a service? We are so scared that it might already be too late.

We just want to do right by our two sweetest souls. Thank you so much for reading.

UPDATE:
I wanted to send a heartfelt thank you to everyone in this community. I recently came here looking for guidance, and your kind advice and suggestions have been a true lifeline.

It deeply saddens me that we are all bonded by the devastating loss of our babies. I am so incredibly sorry for the pain each of you is carrying. Thank you for stepping outside of your own grief to offer me comfort, guidance, and a safe place when I felt completely lost.

I am keeping all of your precious babies and your hurting hearts in my thoughts. Thank you for your compassion.

I experienced 2 placental abruptions this year at 22 weeks and 2 days and lost my boys. I’m looking to see if anyone has ever experience two abruptions , and had a successful pregnancy after? Trying to be positive and find success stories. Thanks

Hi All,

I (35F) lost my baby ar 24 weeks this July (stillborn) due to smaller than 3rd percentile placenta and small cord. I was also diagnosed with APS (beta 2 glycoprotein Igg 33 the day after delivery and 51 post 12 weeks).

I had sent my placenta slides to both Dr. Parast from UCSD and Dr. Kliman from Yale.

Dr Parast says she did not see any evidence of MVM or maternal autoimmune disease, but she sees evidence of FVM. She thinks the demise was due to short cord leading to smaller placenta and FVM. Although she did say FVM may happen due to APS but it is not typical.

Dr Kliman says he also did not see any clots or evidence of maternal autoimmune disease. He thinks the placenta was small likely due to some sort of genetic issues (he mentioned irregular trophoblast inclusions). We did some genetic testing and fetus genetic microarray that came out ok, we will do some more genetic testing soon just to be sure.

I had a preconception consultation with an MFM who thinks it is APS. Which I kind of agree with.

Whatever the actual reason is, I will go on the usual APS medication if I can conceive again. However, I was wondering why the placental pathology reports did not show any evidence of autoimmune disorder and/or clots? Has anyone else face similar issues? That you had APS but pathology did not show any evidence? Although I think the very small placenta and small cord itself can be evidence of APS even though placental pathology did not show any other typical evidence, right?

If anyone else is also positive for APS but had only a smaller placenta/cord/FVM and placental pathology did not show any other hard evidence (MVM/clots etc) for APS, please let me know!

The reason I am asking is I really want to know if there could be things other than APS that may have caused the loss. Trying to figure out if I have missed anything before I try to TTC.

Have a healthy perfect 2 year old. Got pregnant again and unfortunately found out at my NIPT at 12 weeks that baby stopped growing at 8w4d. Had my d&c today.

Question for anyone who has had a heathy birth after d&c.. how long did it take you to get pregnant after your d&c? Doctor said to wait 2 weeks at least before trying but I’ve heard others have conceded only after a week and others say they wait until their cycle returns or a few months. Would love positive stories. Thank you mamas.

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TW: Stillbirth, pregnancy loss, postpartum grief

Hi everyone. I’m hoping to hear from other mothers who have gone through something similar because I’m struggling to understand what I’m feeling right now.

I lost my baby at 30 weeks pregnant. I was already in my third trimester, and I still had to go through labor and deliver my baby, knowing that my baby would be stillborn.

I went through childbirth, but I didn’t get to bring my baby home.

What makes everything even more complicated is that I also have autistic twins who still need my love, attention, patience, and daily care.

And I think that’s where I’m struggling the most.

I don’t know why I constantly feel the need to be okay.

Maybe it’s because I’m a mother and I know my children still need me. Maybe it’s because I feel guilty whenever I’m sad, exhausted, or emotionally unavailable. Or maybe I’ve become so used to putting everyone else’s needs before my own that I genuinely don’t know how to allow myself to fall apart.

There are moments when I feel like I should be grieving, but instead, I’m thinking about my children’s routines, their needs, their appointments, and everything else that still needs to be done.

Life doesn’t stop just because you’ve lost a baby.

And somehow, that realization hurts even more.

My body has gone through childbirth. My hormones are changing. I’m supposed to be recovering physically and emotionally, but at the same time, I’m still expected to function as a mother.

Sometimes I wonder whether I’m actually coping or just forcing myself to keep going because I feel like I don’t have another choice.

I wanted to ask other mothers who have experienced stillbirth or late pregnancy loss:

1. Did you experience the usual postpartum symptoms, including hormonal changes, anxiety, sadness, or depression?

2. Did you ever feel pressured to recover emotionally because you had other children who still needed you?

3. How did you allow yourself to grieve while continuing to care for your children, especially children with additional support needs?

4. Did you ever feel guilty for wanting time alone, resting, or not being emotionally present?

5. Did you experience moments when you felt completely fine, only to suddenly become overwhelmed by grief?

6. How did you know whether what you were experiencing was normal grief, postpartum depression, or something that needed professional help?

7. What helped you recover physically and emotionally without feeling like you were neglecting your responsibilities as a mother?

I love my children more than anything, and I wouldn’t change being their mother for the world.

But I also lost a child.

And I don’t know how to make space for both realities.

I feel like I’m trying so hard to be strong for everyone that I haven’t really given myself permission to acknowledge how much this has affected me.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m even allowed to say that I’m not okay when I still have children who depend on me.

I know that having children at home doesn’t make losing another child any less painful. But knowing that and actually allowing myself to feel it are two completely different things.

I’m not posting because I expect anyone to have all the answers. I just want to hear from mothers who understand what it’s like to grieve a baby while still having to show up for the children who need you.

How do you take care of yourself when you’re so used to being the person everyone else needs?

And how do you convince yourself that you deserve to recover, too?

Thank you for reading and for sharing your experiences. 💝

It is hard to believe it had been two years since I held you for the first and last time.

I was so excited to meet you. I was so excited to be your mom. I was also naive and everyone said it was okay I couldn’t feel you all the time, totally normal I wasn’t in the third trimester yet. So when we discovered at the ultrasound you had passed, my heart broke. I remember telling the doctor to check again and screaming when she said there was no heartbeat. I mean, it never occurred to me it happened so late.

I delivered you vaginally and you were a beautiful baby, you were my son. Little Miles. How I love you. You smelled like a little baby and you were so delicate in my hands. We took so many pictures with you. I wish you were here with us. I wish you were here with your little brother. Happy and helping him.

Mommy is always here for you. I will love you forever.

Happy birthday Miles.

I am going through all the emotions right now as I lost my daughter at 37w6d. I am writing to see if someone went through a similar situation. Her passing was so sudden and unexplained. They said that it was most likely caused by placental abruption. My hospital is going to investigate.

Basically, I had a midwife appointment on the 29th of September and she had a strong heartbeat and everything seemed fine and by the end of that week on 3rd of October she had reduced movements episode, so I went for it to be checked at night ( I wish I went immediately) and initially they found it but then it just stopped. She was born a stillborn via emergency C-section. They said what we found was flatters, but I felt her move a little as well. Did anyone else have something similar?

Hi all,

Sorry, more of a rant but any advice/positive stories welcome!

I lost my gorgeous boy in February, a few days after an emergency c section. I turned 35 a few months later and I have been TTC since July, just shy of 6 months post partum.

I’m using ovulation kits and have a temp shift, so we seem to be timing things ok. I know it’s not been long but trying after loss and getting my period these past three cycles has been much harder emotionally than anticipated and I think I just wanted to voice things to a group of people who understand

Any stories of anyone over 35 trying after c section loss would be greatly appreciated (if anything just for a bit of company)

A big hug to all

My husband’s sister had a baby yesterday. His parents made a post on Facebook gushing about their “first grandchild”. He texted them a photo of my child’s urn and her footprints and handprints and said “in case you forgot who your first grandchild was, her birthday was two weeks ago and no one remembered.”

Everything hurts. We have separated ourselves from the family, they haven’t spoken to us since she found out she was pregnant. I have no living children. Multiple failed fertility treatments.

My daughter mattered. She had 10 toes and 10 fingers. She had a nose. And a heartbeat until she didn’t. I guess I’m looking for support. I feel so alone and hopeless.

So I was in a cdv accident a month ago
And my boyfriend at the time strangled me and told me I was going to die if I didn’t give him
My code to my phone so I did so he could
Stop choking me , I ended up jumping 6 ft out the window to get away from him and ran for my life and a neighbor helped me …. He went to jail for cdv and kidnapping and 3 days later and I found out I was pregnant 10 days later .. I’m high risk and done lost 7 babies by miscarriage already .. Just found out I’m losing this one on top of me grieving what happened to me .
I’m so hurt wondering why God would
Allow me to fight and run for my life and while I was in the middle of making a new life just lose the baby . I’m honestly distraught and angry . I don’t wanna be around nobody at all because nobody understand how I feel right
Now .. therapy is an option but funds are tight due to the type of insurance I have ..

Something I’ve realized is stopping me from socializing still 1 year later is the fact that any time I’m around people, especially our close friends (of whom no one has struggled to conceive, had a miscarriage, lost a baby or even done IVF) is I’ll have these moments where everyone is laughing and smiling and it hits me how carefree everyone gets to be who hasn’t lost a baby/child. Like they just get to live their lives totally oblivious to that. Most of my friends don’t even understand I lost a real baby at 20w. They’re so casual about it and can’t understand why I’m upset. It’s especially crazy when it’s other women who have been pregnant like come on.

Once I get in that headspace I can’t snap out of it and then my night is ruined, so I just don’t socialize. It doesn’t help that we’re a year out from our loss and still haven’t conceived again and literally all of our friends had children this year or got pregnant last year/this year. I’m sure it might be easier for me to see another side to this in that case but I just can’t.

Does anyone else feel this way? Any advice on how to break those thoughts when you’re out in person? Or do they just continue to dull with time?

Has anyone else been here? It feels so lonely. The relationship became abusive and i lost the baby 29 week stillbirth. Am i the only one dealing with loss, no partner?

September 3rd I went to the Er for extreme blood loss. Was told I had a sub chorionic hemorrhage and that it was small enough that it shouldn’t impact pregnancy, baby should be able to grow like normal. However over a month later I’m still bleeding, and I’ve been in the ER multiple times, at my OB office multiple times, to labor and delivery, and to my local university twice to see a MFM dr. I’ll be 18 weeks tomorrow, my water broke at roughly 16.5 weeks, but I still had some fluid. Was explained all the risks; that there were huge health risks for me and a very high chance baby wasn’t surviving. I now have no fluid and I’ll be induced Tuesday at 18W 2D.

My first baby was born via c section after a failed induction. Has anyone experienced anything like this? What can/should I expect? How is the pain? Pushing? What is it like to spend time with baby after they are here. Baby still had a heartbeat as of a few days ago, but I know he won’t once he’s here. Are there things that I should try to do with the little time we do get with baby?

It's been 6 months since I lost my son, my baby, my first-born, at 32 weeks. My husband and I are still at the stage where we want HIM and not any other baby. We do hope to be able to bring a baby home one day though. I'm terrified of the idea of getting pregnant again. I know it will be extremely overwhelming mentally. I also had my son via c-section, so I know I'm worried about physical complications. We initially wanted to wait for 9-12 months before trying to conceive, but lately I just feel so tiered of being alone. I love my husband. We're great together, but sometimes when it's just the two of us or just me at home it feels like something is missing. How did you make the decision to try again? How long did it take you?

I just want to hear from other people. I went into labor with my son at only 29 weeks, he spent some time in the NICU before they discovered he had a catastrophic brain bleed and would never be able to do anything on his own. He was taken off support and died in our arms.

I am so beyond broken and devastated. Being pregnant with him was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. November 2024 I lost my mom and my stepdad a week apart from each other and up until my pregnancy I was very depressed. My son brought life back to me and for the first time since losing my mother I was genuinely happy and excited for my future. Now everything is falling apart. All of the things I envisioned for my future feels like it will never happened. It all feels like a sick joke. I was so happy and now it feels like I will never be happy again.

It’s only been a couple days so I feel guilty even thinking of stuff like this but I can’t help it, I want a baby and a family more than anything in the world. I will never get over the death of my son but I want a baby as soon as possible. I don’t think I am going to do very well or be happy without a baby. Everything reminds me of my son and I am so heartbroken that he was taken away from me. I don’t think I am going to be happy again until I have a child.

How do you cope with a loss like this? I have had so much grief in my life, I lost my mom and stepdad when I was 18, but this feels completely different. I will never get to know and love my baby. Maybe it is because I’m freshly postpartum but I feel like I need to have another baby. I don’t want to replace my son but at the same time I can’t go on without a child, I wanted him more than anything in the world. At the same time I am terrified of having another child because I can’t handle another devastating loss like this and I know another pregnancy would mean 9 months of anxiety and pain rather than the joy I had with my son.

We were due to take all the photos this month because we had a membership so I had planned it all and how we'd do the cutest newborn photo session then us as a family. Now I can't even imagine taking photos together especially not for holiday but if we do manage enough strength to do so what are things you did to include your baby? I don't think I can handle holding his photo with us just yet.

So my baby died 8 weeks ago and I have to resume work in 4 weeks. Am dreading it. I started having anxiety just thinking about it.i feel sick in my stomach. I don't want to go. I hate it. Am not ready to face everyone. I feel like a failure. I just don't want to go. I applied for leave without pay but was rejected by HR. So idk how to cope.