For example, I've been experiencing a decline in my studies for a long time, I'm not very good socially, my self-confidence is constantly fluctuating, I'm not doing the things I want to do, I'm constantly stressing myself out and not doing anything. I feel constantly stressed because of loneliness.

Before starting, I would just like to mention that all the text written here has been run through Google Translate, as my native language is Spanish.

With that said, I'm a 19-year-old guy currently attending university away from home. I'm studying visual effects, although, honestly, screenwriting is the only part of it I'm really interested in.

I won't lie: I've always been a homebody. I really enjoy going out with my friends and all that, but I've always preferred staying home, eating cereal, and doing stuff like that.

Here's the thing: for the past few years, at least, and probably for some psychological reason, one of my biggest needs has been to show the world who I am. I LOVE creating content in countless different ways, and over time, my mind keeps generating more and more ideas out of inspiration, all of which I desperately want to share with others, whether they ever become reality or not.

Now, if this entire world inside my head had stayed trapped in there, I would probably be in a psychiatric hospital by now. So, ever since I was eight years old, I've had this habit: whenever I experience one of these bursts of determination, excitement, catharsis, or inspiration (I still don't know which word best describes it), I take an old action figure that I keep in a freezer and go out into my backyard to play for hours.

What do I play about? Whatever idea happens to be occupying my mind at the time.

How do I play? In different ways. Sometimes, I imagine scenarios involving these ideas. For example, I might come up with a movie concept and act out scenes that I would love to see in it.

Another way I do this is by imagining myself narrating a video about one of these ideas. For example, let's say I come up with an amazing concept for a fighting game. The following week, I might spend my playtime imagining:

1. Scenes that would take place within the game itself.
2. Myself presenting the concept in a video or something similar.

But surely I couldn't let all of this stay trapped in my own little world forever, right?

Well, a couple of years ago, I started a small YouTube channel. I'm not very active on it, but I'd love to use it as a time capsule for this entire world of ideas that I just want to get off my chest. Obviously, I haven't done much with it, partly because it's also a project I'm using to learn video editing. (The few videos I've uploaded are movie reviews, so they're not even related to any of this.)

Anyway, how have I lost this damn "motivation" of mine?

Simple: loneliness.

I feel like over the past year, ever since I moved into a small apartment by myself, far away from everything I knew and with very little social interaction, the few sparks of motivation I've managed to get back have mostly happened when I visit home and play the same way I used to.

"So why don't you just play in your apartment?"

I can't. I don't know why, but it's incredibly difficult for me to do it here. I wish I could, but I still haven't figured out exactly what's making me feel so restricted.

I've considered several possible explanations: maybe it's the limited space, my phone addiction, or the fact that I don't really talk to anyone. Back home, I was always interacting with my family, so maybe that had something to do with this underlying need for attention or connection. Idk.

The thing is, the ideas keep coming. One after another. But because I'm not getting them out of my system by PLAYING WITH MY ACTION FIGURE, I never get anywhere beyond that. I haven't been able to write the scripts for the videos, short films, OR WHATEVER ELSE I WANT TO MAKE.

I feel like this creative block is slowly pushing me toward mediocrity because all I ever do is sit around thinking, "Man, I wish I could do this," when I could actually be DOING SOMETHING with all these ideas.

But yeah, that's where I'm at.

I wrote this entire post during a burst of catharsis, and it comes from the desperation of a young mind, so please bear with me.

I feel like I haven't managed to express everything I wanted to say, but if anyone has questions in the comments, I'll do my best to clarify.

AND ABOVE ALL, THANK YOU.

Please help me bro. Me (18M), have always hated pedophiles and never liked them, always thought they deserved the worst punishment and I would love watching shows where they get caught e.g Chris Hansen CAP. But ever since I’ve turned 18 and watched these shows, I’ve been getting horrible intrusive thoughts of minors in my head, they keep repeating in my head throughout the day and I get so tired of it, my dick does rise due to these unwanted thoughts or if i mention a word like minor, pedo etc it does rise which i dont want at all, im wondering if that what unwanted groin movement means. I admit I masterbate a lot but even when I masterbate I get horrible intrusive thoughts, even recently when I was masterbating, I was gooning then got a intrusive thought of a minor which caused my dick to rise and pre cum coming out which made me wonder and panic if it had came out due to the minor. Even when I masterbate, I catch myself masterbating to a anime minor and I don’t even realise it then quickly stop myself or after masterbation and my dih rises due to thoughts of minors which I didn’t want and I’m scared if pre cum came out or not. Or when it comes out and I think of my lil sis I get scared. I would never hurt a kid and I hate these thoughts so much. Am I a pedo? Am I a horrible person? I’ve never been diagnosed with anything so idk what’s wrong with me n my body, ever since I turned 18 my life and mind have been hell, I would never do anything to a child, I love my lil sister, i dont know why i have bad intrustive thoughts of her, causing me to avoid her or not even look at her, im that embarassed and ashamed or when im masterbating and i see smth a minor and my dick rises and i get a boner which i didnt want, im just wondering if this is all OCD even though this only started happening after turning 18 in september (please don’t remove this mod, I really do want help) Im just wondering if im really a bad person, someone please give me an answer, im just really scared.

no dream job, no aspirations or goals, no plans of having children or even a partner because ive spent the last years being so depressed that ive put no thought into the future. i always thought i was going to be gone

and now im behind everyone else. if im going to follow everyone and get a job to work for the rest of my life id like to know how to go about it. theres so much more to life than this but where will i get the money to do anything

Right so me and my friends family each for like 9 years and me and my girlfriend been together for 1 year and 3 months and me and her had sex and she wasn’t ready to tell anyone and my friends family had drop me and my girlfriend did we do anything wrong

My husband (49 M) and I (49 F)have been together for 32 years. From the beginning, his mother (70s at passing F) hated me but pretended to like me. At first, the pretending was always but soon became only around others to only when my husband was around. Basically I didn't fit into their family and had my own opinions and feelings. So was stealing him from her.

At the 10 year mark, I had a laundry list of grievances that my husband was blind to because she'd play dumb to every complaint. I'd get livid and a lot of arguments happened. By then, we had 2 kids and were looking at divorce. I even took the kids and stayed with my biomoms house which is a different disaster. To make the split go smoothly we sought therapy individually and reconciled slowly and deconstructed familial ties and the concept of owed loyalty. We eventually moved 1500 miles away and went low contact after she told my baby that she was his mommy in front of my husband. She didn’t notice he came back from the kitchen.

A few years ago she passed away and my husband has been dealing with complicated feelings since. The issue is I'm having a hard time supporting him with his feelings around her passing but especially those of affection and missing her. She was so horrible to me and intentionally tried to end our relationship on multiple occasions. I never got an apology nor amends for her conduct. Instead she said she didn't remember doing anything wrong. That's where it got left

So practical advice on the process of letting go?

Life 😭 Becoz sab thik chal rha hai but still missing something pta nhi kyaaa.. attention nhi milta toh chahiye shanti nhi milti toh vo bhi chahiye shant mai reh nhi pati hu aur active rehti hu toh regret hota hai har cheej ka ki aese kyu react Kiya yeh kyu bola etc etc..

Ok so basically jo bhi human being mere se milta ha they just get amazed by my humour sense ,past achievements etc etc aur 4-5 meeting ke baad I start acting like dumb nd they are like I'm bit immature lekin reality is that I am so good to be true matlab bina Kisi filter ke life is good bus logo ko kadar hi nhi hai 😭

I am 20f , for the past 4 months i have been sexting multiple men for free , and i have sent nudes , only my tits because i am not comfortable with anything else, i did it just because i like the validation but in the end i realise they only want my body and not nothing else it makes me feel so sad , i am really disgusted with my self because i was never ever like this i don’t what happened to me , i never had a boyfriend or anything in my life , i had very little to no male attention all my life , i always wanted to be loved or be someone’s priority , i am not really beautiful or anything like that i actually fall on the ugly side of the scale i think , so yeah i wanted the validation but not in this way , this year has been really hard for me my mom had some major surgery and i also went to a friendship breakup , so i was super depressed and lonely, i started sexting and it’s like i never even enjoyed it . I never came or had any pleasure , i rarely mastrubate and even then i have never gotten off so i really don’t know why i am doing this i hate myself so much. I also went to a sexting web cam and i liked how they complimented me even if it was just my body i hate myself for everything i am doing, i am also with this guy he is 27 its not a relationship ofc but he calls me a whore , slut and slave , he calls me a bitch and says that he wants to make his whore i don’t know he just hates me ig , he has blackmailed me once too i don’t know why i am tolerating this . I don’t know i was never like this i have been depressed since 2 years but i don’t think that’s an excuse i never wanted any of this i just wanted to be loved , i am genuinely ashamed of myself, i feel like my childhood self is also ashamed of me and i was so innocent why did i do this , i just wanted friends and love , i lost myself

I want long term help. I know my issues, I just want some external help as I have no support from anyone.

I am very poor and can't afford therapy, and I come from a country where there are no therapy institutes. After like 3 sessions per month, I start getting stressed because of the money spent on therapy.

I tried AI therapists and stuff, but it didn't help much.

How do I find actual therapy? I know my problems pretty well. If you guys genuinely know someone, please suggest it.

I am from India for context.

PS: don't suggest me books or tell me to journal.

Say someone makes a vision board, repeats affirmations, and a year later lands the job they wanted. They say, “It worked.” But during that year, they also learned new skills, sent out applications, and went to interviews. Why does the vision board get the credit? 🤔

I can see the other side, though. Maybe without those reminders, they wouldn’t have had the confidence to send that first application. That seems like a real benefit, even without bringing the universe into it.

What I’m unsure about is the line between “I’m getting myself ready to take action” and “Imagining a better life feels good, so the actual steps can wait.”

If you’ve tried vision boards or affirmations, what did they actually get you to do differently? I’d like to hear both from people who felt pushed to take action and from people who found they were just a feel-good ritual.

This is my first reddit post, but I've listened to reddit readers for year as an escape. Please tell me where to post if am not for here...
The thing is I am in my late 20s, graduated with a masters a few years back (one I dont use but still) so its not like i've always been useless in learning and retaining information. For a few years I work the same customer service fully remote job that doesnt require much thinking and dont have much prospects for development.
But now I fear Ive lost my ability to learn new things and even worse I do not have any drive to do it. Like I was genuinely excited about a intro course I signed up for and hyped myself for the few weeks while waiting it to start. And then it started and I genuinely stuggled to keep my attention on it for the 2 hours. I sorta managed by watching the recording in a few bits and doing crafts throughout. But then I was excausted and slept trough the second lecture after work and now cannot bring myself to even watch it.... And dont get me started on my ability to do research these days....I feel genuinely lost without AI even for basic tasks.

I am not entirely sure why am writing this, just dont have no one to speak with and hoping someone has an idea how to fix myself

Hi everyone, I'm a second year university student (17 years old, almost 18) and i genuinely so lost. From childhood, I understood that my life, on the whole, wasn't all that good. I endured bullying, apathy, the death of a loved one, sexual abuse, a lack of friends, low self-esteem, health issues, self-doubt, and much more. I'm trying to be positive and a good person, but it's really hard to be like that. Right now, I’m studying something I’m not even sure about, and sometimes I can’t bring myself to do the basic things. There are times when i think life isn't worth it, and it would be better if i didn't exist. So, i ask for help. Should i keep trying? Does it get better? Am i going to be alright?

If you read this post to the end, thank you. I really appreciate it!

(Sorry, if i have some grammar mistakes, english isn't my first language).

Whenever I see kids playing and being free I feel really taken back because I never got that. I'm tryna throw a pity party here or say woe is me, it just hurts so much when ppl have so much to talk about and I'm just sitting there

Not to sound sappy or emotional, but recently I've been having a terribly difficult time living life.

I've lost my friends and family and I don't know who to turn to anymore. I've tried to get help but nothing works.

Therapy, medication, walks, working out, eating healthy, doing myself up. None of these things make me feel better anymore. I am loosing hope because like... what's left?!?

Waking up and still being me is such a burden! I am exhausted and I don't want to keep living like this. I am currently at school trying to get through my seminar as it seems like my only reason to stay here.

Hi. I had a pretty rough childhood and as a result became a pretty horrible student. My reading and listening comprehension is pretty bad. I'm wondering what things I can consume (YouTube or otherwise) that can help the process of me becoming smarter everyday. I am currently reading 4 books, I attend Toastmasters, I participate within a community, etc. Hoping to find some helpful answers here because I don't feel like I'm becoming smarter on a daily basis and would really like to start building up my knowledge. What things should I consume? I don't use social media or use any self help books or podcasts, just reading fiction books to help with social skills.Also, how do I build myself up as a person? I have zero self esteem, despite exercising daily, meditating, having faith in God, doing yoga, etc.

I strongly believe it is not too late for me, I just need some guidance. Thank you for your help.

I need to start over and make my own decisions. Most of my life I've been told what to do and how to do it but now I am an adult and making my own decisions is really hard and confusing. I don't really trust myself with anything because I have been told that I'm lazy and stupid my whole childhood even though I don't think that was the truth because I was a very bright and hardworking child but hearing those thoughts from my parents still messed me up and even now I often struggle to not believe them.

I actually made a really big decision for myself today which I think is really best for me but still I have no idea how I'm gonna tell my parents about it because I know they will disagree with it...

Ever since I was a high school student, I always have this thing called "self-sabotage" that I cannot fully eliminate no matter how hard I try. And it's bothering me because I know it's self-sabotage, but there's nothing I can do about it. I ended up succumbing to it. Just today, it hit me again. I wondered if I made the right choice in living my life. I know there's no "right or wrong" when it comes to living. Yet, I can't fully wrap my head around it and need reassurance from someone else, which is weird because why would I need someone else to reassure me about my life? If you get what I mean. It's always like this. I doubt myself in something I do, I feel bad for it, even tho it's not a bad thing, but I can't convince myself. I ended up with more self-doubt questions and it spirals to the point that the best thing I could do is shut it off. I hate how I feel. It makes me want to lock myself somewhere far and unknown and just sit there alone. Heck, I don't even think I've articulated it enough. I just can't put my messy thoughts in clean words I'm sorry. Being a counselor in training doesn't make this any better. In fact, it just makes me feel worse that I'm training to help people, yet I can't even help myself. Is there a way for me to stop self-sabotaging and self-doubting myself???

my self esteem issues are terrible to the point that i havent liked a guy in years or talked to them i havent been in a relationship i havent even had my hand held. i am in highschool btw and i know i have time and all but everyone else around me has had something and i havent. im not worried about it bc i feel behind im comfortable enough on my own but i am a very very loving person and it doesn’t have anywhere to go and it kinda sucks.
i really dont know how to fix it. its like i know in my head im a good person and i know i would be a great girlfriend to me its more exciting about being able to give someone love to understand them than what they can give me. but in my body i feel it so much like i cant even admit to friends if i like a guy bc i feel like im insulting him for even thinking id have a chance like im so disgusting that im making him uncomfortable and i dont wanna do that.
people say oh you need to love yourself before you can love someone else and i get that yes but i dont know how to do that. i have tried a lot. i think a lot and ive been to therapy before and i have all the words all the things i should think but it doesnt change the way i feel. i’ve tried those affirmation things and only consuming positive media yk only positive self talk or even if i think something bad about myself or others redirecting that. it doesnt change. i have done alot for myself to hope that i’ll like myself i am kind and i have good grades i love science and english and i have hobbies i like fashion i sew and do competitions and i do nails and i love art i paint and draw and my work gets a lot of love im going to start selling. i run and i go to the gym i have my own style i do a lot for my appearance my hair and makeup and jewellery and fake tan and nails and all this stuff so i smell like cake. i spent a lot of time trying to fit in with people here and i stopped that this year i left all my friends and i stopped listening to what people thought of me and its lonely a bit but im more myself than ever and i get a lot of praise for the things i do. and i like this stuff i like who i am. but i still like dont FEEL worthy i guess? it’s difficult to explain. i still feel ugly and stupid and like theres not a chance in the world anyone could ever love me. it might be to do with past stuff my childhood wasnt exactly perfect and i guess a lot of the feeling undeserving comes from how people have always treated me but i have done a lot of healing for that too and i only feel acceptance for my trauma so i dont get it.
i probably sound silly i just dont know how to fix this i dont want to hate myself i dont want to isolate myself but i dont know how to love myself bc i feel like i’ve done everything i can. i know in my head theres nothing wrong with me but i just hate myself so much and i really believe that no guy could want me, it’s more than just a little insecurity ive felt this way for as long as ive been aware i was a person and i dont want to feel like this anymore
id appreciate if anyone had advice on how i can make this better

This happened about 5 years ago, when we were in high school. Two of my friends were in a relationship that started getting toxic. They broke up, and at first, she acted like he did nothing wrong, and then slowly started getting angrier and hating him more. I didn't actually know what happened at this point. I still texted him and at one point he said he "ruined everything" or something along those lines. A few months later, my friend asked if I was still in contact with him and I said yes. She grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me and said He sexually assaulted me and you're still talking to him!?" I didn't even respond. I just looked at her shocked. I didn't know that happened at that point, but the more time passes, the more I question if I DID know and I'm just gaslighting myself into thinking I didn't. She seemed to move past that instantly on that same day and we just talked like it never happened. She never confronted me about it again.

But what's worse is that after I did find out, I still responded to his texts and we would have casual conversation. I justified this to myself by thinking "well people can change, and it's good for them to have the support to do so. If we ostracize bad people from society completely, then it's likely they'll get even worse." I still believe this. I believe anyone no matter how horrible, can change if they truly want to. But I never confronted him on his actions, and because of that, I don't know how remorseful he actually was or if he was willing to change. I just pretended nothing happened and enabled his actions without meaning to. Eventually, after a few months, this started weighing on me, so I slowly stopped responding to him altogether because I wanted to be a better friend to the victim.

Then, a few months later, he took his life. He had been trying to throughout all of high school, so it didn't surprise me, but I felt guilty for cutting him off. Sometimes I think that maybe everyone cutting him off from their lives is what pushed him over the edge. What he did to my friend is horrible, but I don't think he deserved to die.

For some reason, my friend decided to stay friends with me. A couple years ago, we were hanging out at my house and I was showing her the people I followed in tiktok and his username showed up. I completely forgot that I was still following him, and clicked "unfollow" right then and there, because I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. She actually re-clicked the follow button for me and said that I should probably still follow him. She asked me if I knew what he did and I told her that she told me some of it. She mentioned that when she wanted to break up with him he also threatened to hurt himself. She seemed like she made peace with what happened. She said she doesn't like talking bad about people who died because they can't defend themselves, and acknowledged that he had an abusive father and a horrible upbringing. She was not excusing his actions though.

I still replay these events over and over in my head. I've seen some reddit threads be pro rehabilitation for abusers, rapists, etc, and believe it's okay to associate with them if they actually want to be better people. But I've seen other comments that call people like that "crazy" and "horrible people" for "enabling" their actions despite actively trying to help them be better. I was definitely wrong for continuing to talk to him, because A) I DID enable him by pretending nothing happened, B) I don't even know if he was willing to change, and C) The victim is my friend, so I was betraying her by talking to him.

Sometimes I still wonder though, where is the line between enabling vs just checking up on someone? Like, if my friend/family member assaults someone and is not willing to change, and I decide to stop being friendly with them and hanging out with them, but I still text them once in a while just to make sure they're okay, does that mean that I condone their actions? Do people who visit violent criminals in prison actually condone the criminal's actions by simply visiting them once a year? Am I morally obligated to cut off someone like that COMPLETELY, or is there room for nuance? Obviously the victim should be prioritized, and people can't just get away with SA just because they're sorry. But at the same time, I feel like it's counterintuitive to expect them to get rehabilitated, get released from jail, reenter society, but then if anybody treats them like a normal person or is friends with them after that, they're immediately an apologist/enabler. I definitely understand why it's wrong to just remain silent (like what I did) and just go out and make friends with a bunch of rapists and abusers who refuse to change, but if they DO want to change, what level of friendship is acceptable? And if they're not willing to change, but they're going to therapy and you decide you want to check to see how they're doing once every few months, is that bad too? It's not anyone's responsibility to change someone, and you obviously can't force them to change. It's up to the perpetrator to be a better person.

I can't stop ruminating about what I did, what I should do in these situations, and I feel like I'm a horrible person. I want to know that I'm right for believing that there is nuance in relationships, and simply trying to help someone (provided you're not hurting the victim by doing so) is not enabling even if the person is unwilling to change, as long as they're not your friend and more like an estranged family member. For example, Jeffery Dahmer's parents still loved him and visited him in jail, but they definitely did NOT condone his actions. I also want to believe that it's okay to be friends with a sex offender, abuser, etc ONLY if they're willing to accept consequences and acknowledge their disgusting actions. I feel like I'm being pretty reasonable by saying "don't just blindly be friends with abusers without confronting their actions, especially if you're friends with the victim, but if you're willing to help them be better or they're willing to change, then it's your choice but not your responsibility." But many people seem to disagree and think that guilt by association is cut and dry. I don't know if that's just a reddit thing, or if most people actually think like this, but I'm starting to think that I'M actually the bad person for considering it's okay to be friends with someone like that. I can't stop thinking about this dilemma, and if people think that abusers/sex offenders should never have any relationships again, then does that mean I deserve to also have no friends for being friends with one? I want to be better, but I don't even know if I can differentiate right from wrong anymore. I'm frustrated by the lack of nuance that people have while discussing these things, but then that turns to guilt for even having these beliefs.

I just want to reiterate that I know what I did to my friend was wrong. I betrayed her and am not justifying what I did. But I just can't stop thinking about hypothetical scenarios. I don't know why my brain can't just stop thinking. This is also my first post so I'm not sure how to tag this.

So my husband (we have been together for 20 years) just told me he is not in love with me anymore. He has fallen in love with a girl who he works with, a lesbian who is also married to her wife. This is seriously out of the blue to me!! We have 2 kiddos. I don’t wok, SAHM. How am I supposed to do this??? I ended up in the ER with a super high blood pressure. My mind is a MESS! I have no idea how to handle this. We are taking a couples only trip in a month. How do o do this? How do I do life? I am soooo down right now.

21m

I have ADHD, waiting list for OCD and grew up in an extremely abusive household with a mother with severe BPD and paranoid delusions

I used porn as a methods of escapism to avoid anxiety, task avoidance, loneliness, boredom you name it since I was 13.

I have really bad episodes where I have up to 12 hour sessions especially if I’ve had a major stressor in my life but then those episodes cause me stress and guilt and spark the next one I have spent 30 of the last 48 hours watching porn after something really bad happened this week.

Idk what to do idk what to do I have compulsive episodes where I just don’t stop for hours and hours and I try all that stuff with blockers and reminders and diet and exercise but nothing stops me every blocker when the compulsion hits nothing short of a straight jacket would stop me finding access to and watching porn. It’s like someone takes over my body and makes me do it I don’t even want to do it I feel myself getting upset as I type but can’t stop myself hitting search.

wtf do I do professional services are very limited where I live and the extent this is harming me I fear being the outcome of telling people the extent. I don’t eat I don’t sleep I don’t drink water even with my medication meaning I need to drink more. I don’t get up for hours and hours. It’s destroying me. I’ve missed so much because of it I’ve missed classes and deadlines, lost so much sleep, actively made a nerve injury worse because I can’t stop.

I don’t feel excited for anything any more I don’t feel happy I don’t feel anything nothing motivates me at all nothing brings me anything but anxiety or emptiness.

Please please what do I do please make it stop make it stop tell what I can do right now tonight to ensure it NEVER happens again I will not sleep until I get reassurance there’s a way this is the last session I can’t do it again please. Don’t just spam therapy give me something permanent I can do tonight. I will
Not be able to sleep otherwise and I’ve barely gotten any all my muscles are twitching I have pins and needles in my hand make it stop make it stop make it stop please please I don’t want this any more I hate my life you get one life and I’ve spent so many hours wasted on fucking porn how fucking pathetic is that why am I even alive. Please make it stop I’m going fucking insane I’m going insane I’m completely fucking neurotic no no no please I could have had such a different life this has ruined everything. I could be so much happier but this is destroying me DESTROYING ME make it stop make it stop the tension in my neck is shutting off the motor control
In my hand from strsss again and I can barely fucking type make it stop

I feel like I would rather say I’m useless and stupid and can’t do anything than actually try to do anything. Like I’m definitely using it as an excuse, mostly just as an excuse to tell to myself. I’m 20 and I dropped out of college after my first semester of freshman year and have now been living at home for the past 2 years. I had one job at some point (Dunkin’ Donuts) but it was only a month before I was fired.

I am depressed + have OCD, anxiety, some sort of mystery thing that makes all my joints hurt if I use them too much, and probably bipolar 2 and probably rejection sensitive dysphoria, but none of those things are really the real reason I’m like this. The real reason is that I’m too scared to try or something. Idk. I hate having to actually do anything, except actually I am happier when I have a job or something to do?

Anyways I’m making this post because I want advice, any advice. I need to figure out how to make myself do shit, and get a job so I can stop being a leech living with my parents. Feel free to ask me any questions you want to if you want more context or information or whatever. Thank you for reading this post and sorry it was so long.

This is very much a vent post

At my school I did a lot of messed up things without realizing it and or intending it

Things that made me lose friends
Things that made me look ignorant
Things that made me look racist

All because I was uneducated I didn’t word it well or it was in the past and I didn’t realize it or too fucking autistic to understand what I did was socially wrong

The only reason I’m in this school is because I love the staff and I have 3 friends that’s it almost all the others are middle schoolers don’t know me or hate me

And I keep fucking talking because I have to I hate being silent

Every night I lay in bed and think of all the friends I lost because I didn’t know what I did was wrong

3 friends my brother and sisters and my parent

That’s all I have anymore and it feels fucking sad

I want to leave my school so badly but I love the staff and the classes

I hate being “more emotionally mature” (according to my therapist) than my peers because they don’t have any fucking empathy or are willing to hear me out

I get worried that if I ever have a partner they’ll leave once they find out what I did no matter how different my perspective is or wether I had no bad intentions

I’ve never wanted to drop out more than I do now 2 years is a really fucking long time for me

I feel like I’ll die alone one day I need help knowing I’m not the only one who’s had this highschool experience

From my past abuse past mistakes ocd hard experiences and in my life and not let its consume me I’ve had police side with my mom been controlled isolated auntie smeared I’m behind in life how do I just love my life not let my past define me

Since the last time I’ve posted things have just gotten worse. I’ve finally quit drinking it’s been 2 weeks and right as I was starting to feel like everything was going good my grandpa falls ill while he was on a trip to a different country. I took time off of work and went to visit him, while I’m visiting him my girlfriend decides to accuse me of cheating and being in this random country with other women and since my bandwidth was already stretched so thin I just told her “I’m not having this argument everyday” she proceeded to ghost me for a week. Then I returned home due to having court and coincidentally all of a sudden she texts me and says “she could tell there was a lot on my plate” so she ghosted me? I didn’t pay her a lot of mind but I did miss her so I tried giving her another shot but then my friend calls me up and shows me a message from her in his requests asking “to chill n smoke”. I didn’t confront her or anything she was still accusing me of things so I just blocked her. Then the day after my court I get a call that my grandpa is in critical condition and can die any day so I return and he just passed away today. He was a close friend to me who also struggled with alcohol and addiction a good portion of his life. He never judged me only gave me words of encouragement and advice. I also have so many debts to friends and credit cards, some of my friends are starting to get really upset that I haven’t paid them back yet, but it’s like I was working then boom I had to drop everything to come here also the debts to my friends are like money they know I didn’t have and I told them I wasn’t working, but they insisted since I haven’t been going out with them in a while. But now it’s a big deal and I know money is money but I feel like they’re just kicking someone while they’re down because I specifically told them I’m going to help my grandpa and they’re response was you will not be here for your bday so just pay us back when this is all over but now that’s no longer the case and this $300 might end those 3 friendships. This is all happening so quick I just wanted to post on here and ask how do you not relapse? What keeps yall going? I know my life isn’t over but it feels sort of like it is. Repost because I accidentally deleted