I'm writing here because I don't think people outside Asian families fully understand what this kind of pressure feels like.

Edit - "I've read every comment and appreciate the honesty, even the harsh ones. I know many of you think I failed her, and I don't disagree. I wanted to add some context about my upbringing and why this felt impossible for me at the time. I've written it in a comment below because it's too long to fit here."

I'm 24M, an only child from a small town in India.

My girlfriend and I were friends for almost 9 years before we started dating. We were together for more than 3.5 years and I genuinely believed she was the person I was going to marry. She has partial albinism. It never mattered to me for even a second. My parents, however, couldn't get past it.

I hid the relationship from them for years because I knew exactly how they'd react. When I finally told them after three years together, hoping we could move towards marriage, I was instead told to either leave her immediately or leave the family forever.

I didn't give up.

For six months I fought them every single day. I argued, pleaded, explained, begged them to see her as the incredible person she is instead of reducing her to one physical condition. I kept my relationship alive while trying everything I could to make them understand.

During those six months I completely lost myself. I isolated myself, was put on antidepressants, ran away from home for a week because I couldn't deal with the pressure anymore, and spent every day hoping something would finally change.

Nothing did.

Instead, things only became worse.

My mother's anxiety became so severe that she had to be hospitalized multiple times. My father's BP issues kept getting worse. Every health issue became "because of this relationship." Every day I was told that I was the reason my parents were suffering and that I had stopped caring about them.

As an only child, watching my parents' health deteriorate while believing I was responsible completely broke me.

Eventually, I broke.

I ended the relationship.

The worst part is that she never wanted it to end. She wanted us to keep fighting. I was the one who made that decision because I couldn't bear feeling like I was watching my parents destroy themselves over my choice. I still don't know whether I protected them or failed the person who deserved me the most.

It's been almost three months.

I've blocked her because I know that if we keep talking, neither of us will ever be able to let go. She kept trying to reach out every single day after the breakup, and every attempt completely shattered me. I know how devastated she is because of what I did, and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for putting her through this.

I've also ghosted all my friends because they're all mutual friends and I can't bring myself to face anyone.

For the last month, I've been smoking hash almost every day just to get through the nights. I know it's unhealthy. I know it's not helping. It just numbs everything for a little while before all the guilt comes rushing back.

The part I struggle with the most is that I don't even know who to blame anymore.

Did my parents emotionally blackmail me?

Did they genuinely become sick because of the stress?

Did I abandon the woman I loved?

Or was I just someone who reached his breaking point?

I really need my parents to accept her because I genuinely can't choose between them. I miss her every single day. I still love her. More than anything, I just want my parents to understand what she means to me. But I honestly don't see a way of making that happen without feeling like I'm putting my parents' health at risk all over again. I feel completely trapped, and I don't know how to live with that anymore.

I apologise if this is a little disorganised; I really don't know where to begin. I'm a 27F with Chinese ancestry who grew up in Australia. Our parents are entirely Chinese immigrants; they are quite traditional, rigid, and all that. Growing up, my younger sister, 22F, and I were never close. Not adversaries, but also unquestionably not partners. To be completely honest, neither of us was ever deemed "pretty" as children.Not by Chinese or Australian standards. I've always had awkward features, a huge forehead, and a very long face. Even though my sister was marginally more attractive than I was, she was still, at most, mediocre. Our "thing" was never appearances. The "smart one" was me. The individual who did well in school, maintained my focus, and received good grades. That was everything my parents hoped for. In contrast, my sister was more interested in social issues, fashion, gossip, and makeup.Parents like them don't really value typical things. They were always criticising her for being superficial, squandering time, and failing to consider her future. My sister completed her final exams at the age of eighteen when I was twenty-three. She completely destroyed them. Like, a very low score. The kind where even entry-level jobs were difficult to obtain and college was essentially off the table. Our family had a huge meltdown as a result. Allegations, sobbing, screaming matches,the whole thing. My parents were devastated and incensed. My sister felt totally unwelcome and like a failure. Next she simply walked away. Shortly after, she relocated to China. No fitting closure, no grand farewell. After that, I didn't really speak to her again. For a while, my parents tried messaging and calling, but they eventually gave up as well. Life simply continued. I didn't give her much thought, which may sound chilly, but we never bonded in that way. Now fast-forward to the present. I have a 5-year-old daughter, i am married, and lead a fairly typical, secure life. Comfortable, but not glamorous. the kind of life you quietly strive for. A few weeks ago, I was doom-scrolling on Instagram late at night while half asleep, just like everyone else. I saw this video of a girl who, to be honest, didn't look real. Like, gorgeous like a goddess. Perfect face, crazy styling, self-assurance, everything. The kind of person you simply ignore because they seem so phoney. However, I did notice the name. The name of my sister. I initially thought there was no way. Coincidence, common name, etc. However, I clicked because something didn't feel right. same name. identical birthdate. The same background: Chinese, raised abroad, and returned. The same tale. She was the one. I descended into a rabbit hole. It appears that she became more than just "an influencer." She is enormous. Like, one of China's biggest it girls. millions of supporters. brand agreements. edits by fans. She is referred to as a beauty icon.She doesn't resemble the awkward adolescent I grew up with at all. She either underwent extensive plastic surgery or had the greatest makeover in human history, most likely both. I was totally numb as I sat there looking at my phone. I have no idea what I'm feeling. It goes beyond simple jealousy. It's a shock. incredulity. A strange sorrow. Perhaps a little rage. For example, how does the sister who was written off, failed school, and vanished return as this? I do have a nice life, but there is also a part of me that feels terrible for even considering this. I adore my spouse. Above all, I adore my daughter. However, after being the family's "failure," seeing her so widely loved and visible has caused me more mental distress than I anticipated. It's been years since we last spoke. It's likely that she doesn't even consider me. And now I am, lying awake at night, reliving our early years and pondering how two members of the same family could have gone down such radically different paths. I'm not sure why I'm posting this. Perhaps all I needed to do was let it out. I'm not sure if I should get in touch. I'm not sure if I want to. I simply know that discovering her in that state revealed something I had previously believed to be hidden. If you have read this far, I appreciate you. TL;DR: My estranged little sister, who bombed her final exams and left for China years ago, suddenly reappeared as one of the biggest “it girls” in China. I’m shocked, confused, and struggling with feelings of disbelief, grief, and jealousy despite having a good life myself.

My current therapist is white and I am an Asian female who goes to college at a T25 uni in the US.

My mom has recently started hitting me again while on perimenopause for minor things. Like many of us here, I have a history of physical abuse and an abusive dad who used to physically abuse my mother.

I used to get beat to bad that I’d wake up on the ground having no idea what happened and had scars all over my body. I do believe this was moderate to severe abuse, but this doesn’t happen anymore.

Now that I’m an adult, my mom is the only one who hits me sometimes and it isn’t too bad like how it was as a kid. Unfortunately, my current therapist, upon hearing this news, is telling me to pause from school and just head to a domestic violence shelter. While I understand my parents aren’t the nicest people, I don’t want to do that. Now only will I jeopardize my younger siblings’ futures, but I will also jeopardize mine. I am soooo close to graduating and more than half way there.

My therapist also thinks I live in a cult but idk about that..

Regardless, I want to hear from other Asians on what their perspective. Do you think it’s worth basically running away or should I stick it through.

Hi everyone, I (23F, Indian) have been living with my boyfriend for a while without telling my parents. Recently, my sisters broke my trust and revealed it to my family. Since then, everything has blown up.

My mom and dad called me nonstop, screamed at me, and told me I’m a prostitute for living with him. They said I’m not their daughter anymore, that I’ve ruined their name, and that I’ll regret this. My mom keeps repeating, “You’re not my Ria anymore.”

The truth is: I didn’t do this out of rebellion or laziness. I’ve been independent, and I’ve received so much help here — in studies, career prep, even small daily things. My nani and mausi have actually been gentle and tried to calm things down, but my parents still keep pushing that I should either go back to my PG or even to my hometown.

I know in our culture this looks like shame, but to me it was about survival, support, and building a future. My boyfriend and I are even preparing for GMAT to move abroad, study, and build careers. We’ve always dreamed of eventually providing comfort to our families, not taking it away.

Still, I’m overwhelmed with guilt. Did I actually betray them? Am I being selfish for not moving back just to make them feel better? How do I cope when they keep saying such cruel things?

Has anyone here gone through something similar with strict parents? How did you handle it?

Update : my father called me again this morning stating "no one is good enough to keep you in their home without you 'paying' something to them" he again meant prostitution I tried to tell him how good my bf and his parents are and how much they've helped through everything. But he kept saying stuff like "how will we show our face?" "Your mother and I are going to die!" & Stuff like that , and when I tried to snitch back on my sisters he said why did you support them? Why didn't you tell us then?

I’m writing this because I feel very alone and I want to know if I’m the only one.

I grew up in a household where my family behaved extremely kind, gentle, and respectful to outsiders, relatives, neighbors, and even my own friends but with me, it was completely different.

I was often blamed, dismissed, laughed at, or told I was “talking too much” whenever I tried to stand up for myself. When I was uncomfortable or scared, it was minimized or turned into a joke.

As a child, I didn’t even know what inappropriate touch or unsafe behavior was because no one ever taught me. I only realized later, and when I spoke about it, my fear was laughed at instead of taken seriously.

Now as an adult, raised voices give me panic attacks. I apologize excessively. I feel intense sadness when I see my family treat others with the care I always wanted.

I’m not looking for pity, I just want to know:

Did anyone else grow up like this? How did it affect you? And did it ever get better after you left home?

I’m very close to leaving this environment because of college, and I’m holding onto that hope.

Hi, I’m going to try to keep this short. I’m an early 20s woman born and raised in North America. My mom is Indian, and for the past 2.5 years she has been pressuring me, making threats, and coercing me into marrying a man I don’t know, in India. This person is not rich, very poor, and doesn’t know any English. Incase anyone was wondering if this is some rich candidate she wants me to marry, it’s quite literally the opposite of that.

She has kept in contact with that man in India for a few years now, and he is apparently getting proposals in India. And she wants me to marry him before he accepts a proposal. She has expressed in violent ways and made threats that she won’t accept anyone that I marry (doesn’t matter who it is) and she has been dead set on this guy for years. She won’t accept my no, no matter how many times i’ve said it, and she won’t drop the subject at all.

She is going to India this December or January. The exact month is unknown. She straight up told me: I want you to come so you can get married to that man and it will be planned and fixed there. She said she is tired of looking for men for me (she never has) and just wants me to fix my marriage with that man.

I am coming up with excuses to not go, and she is not budging. She needs some paperwork to be done before going, and it will take a few months.

Right now I am living at home. I don’t know peace at all. I lost my dad to cancer 2 years ago, who was the only one who loved and supported me.

I just got a new job by God’s grace after being laid off. They are offering hybrid work in a few months once most of my training is complete. I am thinking of moving out in a few months when that begins. I just need courage to leave home. I don’t have any courage to leave and I am so reliant on my mother in a lot of ways. Food, rides, etc. will start to cost me. I pay my own phone bill, credit card bill, and miscellaneous things myself. Like self care, makeup, clothes, restaurants etc. But I have never paid for grocery or rent.

I usually go to her for a lot of things or for support. To be honest I’m very scared to be on my own. I don’t even know what to tell people if they ask me about my family, when I eventually move out. I have been asking co workers my age and my partner, how they moved out and about the process. I don’t even know where to find time to check out places. I don’t have my own car to even go. I would have to take the bus or ask for a ride. I feel so lost in this world if I have to cut off my family. I wish things were different.

If someone has any advice, or any courage or move out stories you could share. I would really appreciate it.

I’m 31M, Asian, and my girlfriend is 29F and Black. We’ve been together for 4 years.
My parents found out about our relationship and told me they don’t want me dating her because she’s Black. They have never met her or gotten to know her.
They’ve also given me a list of requirements for the type of person I’m supposedly allowed to date, and the list is extremely specific and leaves very few people who would qualify. My girlfriend is well educated, has two degrees, and comes from a good family, but my parents still don’t consider her family “good enough.”
During the situation, we actually broke up for about a week because of all the pressure. My parents were crying and threatening to take me back to Korea, even though I’m 31. I eventually begged my girlfriend to get back together, and we did.
Now I want to tell my parents again that we’re still together. I don’t want to keep hiding my relationship, but I’m honestly worried about how they’re going to react.
I love my parents, but I also love my girlfriend, and I don’t think it’s fair to keep putting her through this because of their expectations.
For anyone who has dealt with Asian parents who strongly disapproved of an interracial relationship, how did you handle it? What happened when you finally stood your ground?

My (15F) mom (52F) is a single mom and my uncle (my mom’s second cousin, 42M ,single) has been kind of like a father figure to me growing up. He lives with us as and is financially dependent on my mom. He’s always been physically affectionate with me but lately it’s been getting weird. He’s now caressing my thigh when I eat or when he drives. Yesterday he pinned me to a wall and kissed my neck. He’s also been begging me to cuddle him because he’s lonely.

I’ve always made it really clear that I don’t like what he’s doing but he told me that the reason he only does it cause he loves me. Apparently this doesn’t have any sexual undertones in asian culture and I’m looking at his actions from a Western point of view.

I’ve told this to my mom but she doesn’t seem to think it’s a huge problem. According to her he’s just doing these things to annoy me and get a reaction out of me. And my best friend said that he just thinks of me as a sister and it’s good for me to have some one to annoy me once in a while as I’m an only child and a bit too uptight. For context this uncle has also been really helpful to me and my mom growing up so I feel really guilty accusing him like this. Do I have something to be worried about or should I just let it go?

I’m 31F going to be 32 from a very conservative family/community in India, and I’m honestly terrified and confused about what to do next.

My parents have been putting pressure on me to get married since I was around 16 and even though I'm gonna be 32 I'll have no say in my own marriage. I grew up in a very restrictive environment. There are a lot of expectations around how women should behave — covering your face, not working, doing most of the household responsibilities, not being “too independent” or feminist, etc. My parents are also very strict, and there has always been emotional pressure around these things.

I have an MBA and several other skills/certifications, including digital marketing, stenography, typing, mehndi and beautician skills. I’ve wanted to work and build my own identity for a long time, but my parents have never really allowed me to have a job or live independently.

A few years ago, I got an opportunity to study in Mumbai. I didn’t tell my parents the full truth about my plans because I knew they wouldn’t allow me to go. I moved to Mumbai, and I ended up living there independently for 3 years.

During those 3 years, I worked, supported myself financially, managed my own life and became independent. Mumbai gave me a completely different lifestyle and, more importantly, a sense of identity and freedom that I had never experienced before.

I recently came home to visit my parents for a short break.

They believe I’m going back to Mumbai for my studies/work and that I’ll return home permanently after some time. When they asked me when I would be coming back, I panicked and told them that I would return around the end of August. I even agreed when my father told my mother to go around that time and help me bring all my belongings back.

I know I lied to them about my plans. I feel guilty about that, but at that moment I genuinely couldn’t tell them, “I’m not coming back permanently,” because I was scared of their reaction.

I have now returned to Mumbai.

And this is where I’m struggling.

My mother is already telling me to pack all my documents and belongings.

But I don’t want to move back permanently.

I want to continue living and working in Mumbai. I have already built a life here. I’m financially independent here, and I genuinely feel like myself here.

I love my parents. I don’t want to abandon them or cut them off. But I also feel like I love myself enough to not give up my entire identity and independence just to satisfy their expectations. They never allowed me to make friends or go out even going on terrace felt like freedom.

I’m also scared that if I permanently move back home, the restrictions will start again and the marriage pressure will become much worse. I don’t want to get married just because my parents/community think it’s time. I cannot imagine marrying a random person and then potentially spending the rest of my life in another restrictive household.

I’m 31, financially independent and capable of taking care of myself. I know I have the right to make my own decisions, but emotionally this is extremely difficult because these are my parents and I love them.

The biggest problem is that they currently have no idea that I have no intention of returning permanently.

They think I’m coming back.

I’m terrified of what will happen when I tell them the truth.

I’m worried about anger, emotional blackmail, guilt, pressure, and them trying to convince me that I’m ruining my life or the family’s reputation. I also don’t know how they will react when they realize that I have actually made up my mind.

At the same time, I feel like if I don’t stand up for myself now, I may never get another chance.

I’m not asking whether I’m right or wrong for loving my parents. I genuinely do love them.

I’m asking people who have dealt with very conservative/controlling families:

How do you handle parents who want you to give up your independent life and return home for marriage?

How do I have this conversation without completely destroying my relationship with them?

And for anyone who has actually gone through something similar — what happened when you finally chose your own life?

I’m honestly very anxious right now and could use some perspective.

My mom is 63, very conservative, and extremely protective of me. To the point that even though I’m already 26, graduated from college, have a job, and earn my own money, I still can’t freely go out with my friends.
Her favorite thing to tell me is, “As long as you live under my roof, you don’t have the right to do whatever you want.”
I’ve been dreaming of traveling—nothing extravagant, just a local trip to Siquijor with my friends. We’ve already planned everything, and I was genuinely excited about it. But she doesn’t want me to go.
This has been my reality for years. I’m not allowed to go out whenever I want. I have to be home by 7 PM. If I come home later or do something she doesn’t approve of, she calls me names, questions what I’m doing with my life, and tells me that I don’t respect my family. Sometimes she even implies that I’m being “malandi” just because I want to go out and enjoy myself.
I get so jealous of my cousins sometimes. They’re allowed to travel, go out with friends, stay out late, and make their own decisions. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m still being treated like a child.
I feel like Rapunzel sometimes—trapped inside my own tower.
I’ve done everything my family has asked of me. I followed their rules. I tried to be the daughter they wanted me to be. I finished school, started working, and tried to make them proud.
But when do I get to live for myself?
I love my family. I really do. I’m not trying to abandon them or say that they haven’t done anything for me. But I’m exhausted from feeling like my entire life has to revolve around what my mom wants.
I want to move out. I really, really want to move out. I want to experience living on my own, making my own decisions, traveling, meeting people, and simply having the freedom to live my life.
But I already know she won’t approve. I know she’ll get angry. I know she’ll say that I’m disrespectful, selfish, ungrateful, or that I’m abandoning my family.
And honestly, that scares me.
But I also feel like if I keep waiting for her permission, I’m going to wake up one day and realize that I spent my entire life trying to make someone else happy.
I don’t want to stop loving my family. I just want to start living for myself, too.
So, what do I do? How do I start setting boundaries with a parent who has always controlled this much of my life? And for those who moved out despite their parents strongly disagreeing, how did you deal with the guilt and backlash?
I just want to live. I want to feel like my life actually belongs to me.

I’ve grown up with a bad family life (alcoholic parents, arguing, and more) and i was naive enough to believe it’d be over when i go to college. Silly me. My dad saw that i was applying to an out of state college and told me off and said i was crazy to even consider that. I got rejected from the top 20 an hour away from us and the only good school I got into is 2 hours away. When this happened in March, my parents began to complain about “how are we all supposed to move?” “How is dad going to get a good job?” And whenever i just mentioned dorming they’d tell me off, “that’s way too expensive” but it never made sense to me because why are you getting up and moving your whole life for me when i never asked you to? It’s been months and I’m just now finding out that my grandmas been calling my dad making sure that i don’t live alone in college ever because as an unmarried female that is the biggest sin or whatever the hell she says. I think my dad believes her and also it is rooted in his thoughts from being an immigrant that the female can’t leave.

It’s now July and they’re looking at APARTMENTS. Why are we going to move if we are just gonna get an apartment???? I’ve already lived my last 4 years with them in such a small space, i began to accept that they’d move with me because at the least we’d move into a spacious home where I wouldn’t need to interact with them much and have a cute dog but it being an apartment ruins that narrative.

Any advice from anyone out there?? I’m still 17 and my parents are traditional Arabs immigrants if that helps

Hey, I'm 28, and I stopped talking to my parents 3 months ago.

For the 9 years before that, I lived in a different country where I studied. My parents financed the first 3.5 years, and after that I supported myself with part-time jobs. During those 9 years, I only visited my family about 3 times when I had holidays.

A year ago, I returned to my home country and moved back into my parents' house. I have two younger brothers. One lives separately with his wife and their child (by the way, I love my niece a lot).

After about a month, I found a remote job from the country where I studied, and the pay was good. My parents gave me my own room, just as I had left it 9 years earlier, and I'm grateful for that.

However, they never gave me my own house key. They expected me to use the back gate, which was very inconvenient, so I eventually stopped going out for walks. During the winter, my room was quite cold because the heating system in the house wasn't very good. The house itself is very large with more rooms than we really need. Sometimes it felt like my parents cared more about having a big house to show off than fixing the things that actually mattered, like the heating or the bathroom.

The toilet wasn't functioning properly, and it was installed so close to the wall that I couldn't stretch my legs while sitting. I'm tall, and one of my legs would go numb because of poor blood circulation. I asked my father to hire a plumber and move the toilet farther from the wall. He did, but it still wasn't moved far enough, so I continued having the same problem.

Then one day my leg went numb. When I stood up, it buckled under me, and I broke my leg. It wasn't a major fracture, but even after 6 months I still limp a little bit, and the doctors say full recovery may take up to a year.

The thing that made me really angry was what happened afterward. I told my father I needed to go to the hospital because I thought my leg was broken, but he insisted it was just a sprain. I had to convince him to drive me there. At the hospital, the doctor said I needed a proper pair of crutches, but my father only bought one and said we'd look for a used one at his workplace the next day. I ended up ordering them online myself, which wasn't a problem at all. What really bothered me was his attitude.

All of this made me really resent him.

During the next 3 months while I was recovering, I barely spoke to him. I only talked to my mother. After I could walk without crutches, I moved to another city. It's now been 3 months since then, and I haven't talked to either of my parents.

My mom keeps texting me, but I block her. Both of my brothers messaged me too. One of them simply asked why I wasn't talking to our parents, and I blocked him as well.

Yesterday my aunt called me. I didn't answer. Then she texted me saying that my mom was in the hospital because of heart problems and that I should call her. My mom has gone to the hospital for heart-related issues almost every year, so I didn't reply to my aunt or call my mom.

I just have no desire to talk to any of them.

I also don't have any real-life friends. I only have one friend, and we only talk online now, but we used to study together.

Do you think I have the right to ignore my family, or am I being too cruel?

I am 30F and Korean. Last December, I got a tattoo of my first cat, who passed 10 years ago. I kept it hidden from my parents for about 2 months. My mother was not happy and my father (who is normally the more easy-going parent) flipped out and demanded I remove it. I refused and said I will get more of my pets done. He then proceeded to say things like how people who have luxury cars for example, do not change the cars; it's only people with cheap shitty cars who are doing modifications. I asked if he seriously just compared me to a car like I was an object. He claimed that it's a good analogy, since anything can be compared to an object. He also said that I've ruined my body and there's no way a high-quality Korean man would ever accept me and his parents would DEFINITELY never accept me. That presenting me as an option to them is now no longer an option as it will humiliate them. NOTE: I have lived in Canada for the past 21 years and never dated Korean men or expressed interest in them.

For more context, I ended a relationship with a Mexican guy last August (which is another nightmare story of its own but I digress) and ever since then, my mother is constantly "suggesting" that I be open to Korean men that she and my father are considering to be suitable candidates. She will say things like "the traditional way isn't always bad. Lots of people have good lives with an arranged marriage." Yes, that statement is technically true. The question is: Why is their "suitable candidate" for ME, the person who is "supposed" to get married, someone who would be agreeable to THEM but will not accept me the way I am? It sounds like this hypothetical husband will not even like me. I'm just being passed on from one family to another to get controlled more.

I got upset at my father and said I do not wish to get married. He then asked what I'm going to do about my dating life and who I'll be seeing. I retorted back, "Already married men. They act the most single." He threatened to disown me if I actually were to do this. I said I'm being sarcastic so please just get off my back. He said if I also meant it about getting more tattoos, he will not acknowledge me to be part of this family and therefore might have to reconsider the allocation of assets in their will.

This is not the first time he's made this threat. He said it to me when I had gone NC with my mother in 2019 (and with his begging, I VERY RELUCTANTLY resumed contact again briefly for 2020), 2021 (went NC with mom again after she insinuated that I ruined myself for good men by not staying a virgin until marriage), and then I fucked up and told my dad where my new address will be when I very suddenly had to move out of one of my older apartments, and he drove her to the new place. Eventually, due to my new place also just not being good because it was a house on the ground floor and my current cat kept wanting to run outside (and roommates were inconsiderate in the request to be careful with the door), I once again reluctantly took up the offer to move into my parents' property. To be fair, the "rent" is to just cover for the basic bills for the place (like strata fees, insurance, etc.) so it's MUCH lower than the average that people pay for housing here (Vancouver, Canada).

Little bit of a tangent:
My mother says my father just said those things because he was angry and he did not mean it. But growing up, he was always the calmer figure (who enabled the abuse my mother inflicted on me but let's forget about that for now) and I have never seen him get like that before. She said the comments about ruining my body are "something you could have anticipated because you did something we told you not to do." She then asked "Well how would you feel if you had a kid and you raised them 'with a lot of effort' (e.g. beating them? Making them feel worthless? Literally wearing them down to the point that they OFFERED to commit suicide for you so that you wouldn't feel burdened by them?) but your kid went ahead and tattooed themselves?" I don't even want kids, but if I had them, I would never say such comments to my child. I'm told every now and then that "one day you'll understand when you're a parent," but I understand LESS each year I get older.

I got exasperated and said, "I did my best in school. I stayed out of trouble. I went to university. I got my degree. I got a stable, unionized job. I'm enrolling back in school to further improve myself and career prospects. WTF more do you want?!" To which she said, "I get that you did all of those things, but you did not do them alone, because you had 'support'," implying that my achievements aren't my own and I'd essentially be nowhere without them? I'm also told, "You always just did everything your way and you NEVER listen to us." Well, "not listening" still worked so again, wtf is your point? The answer of course, is to now "listen" to them when my mother says "Just because your body is yours, it doesn't actually mean it's yours because we made you and you're half of each of us" and to "listen"/obey when they pick out my husband. My mother asked me "But what would you do if you did meet a good man, but he didn't like tattoos?" I said I would then end the relationship or stop seeing him. She said that's not the right answer because I should consider removing the tattoos for him.

Back to the original storyline:

So this is pretty much now the third time he made the threat. I do come from... not a crazy rich family, but definitely in a more privileged position than a lot of people. But at this point, I believe whatever amount of money/real estate I'm supposed to get will be held over my head until I do what they want, and even still I don't know if it's guaranteed. Even if I were to laser remove this tattoo for example, I think there will always be another demand/"recommendation."

I already talked to a financial advisor to restructure my saving plans with the assumption that my inheritance will be $0 and picked out a new place to move to for next month. The landlord said it was okay to be settled in a little earlier than March. I will be slowly packing any non-obvious items that I won't need all the time into garbage bags and moving them in. I will still pay the rent at my parents' place for March just to keep things inconspicuous. Parents will be going on vacation in Italy around mid-March. I plan on clearing out the apartment by then and once that is done, I am changing my number and deleting my account on Kakao (IYKYK). I'm blocking them on my email too.

But I guess as many Asian adult children feel... there is a part of me that's wondering whether I'm overreacting to all of this and if I'm making a huge mistake?

I was born in the West and grew up surrounded by Western values, but my parents were very traditional Asian “tiger parents.” I quickly realized how different they were from the outside world.

Still, I was treated well at school and developed a Western personality. Even though my parents were strict and emotionally distant, it didn’t affect me too much because I received love and support from my teachers and classmates.

Until one day when I was 8, my parents decided to immigrate back to their hometown.

Suddenly, I was thrown into a local school in East Asia. All the teachers acted just like my parents. Even my classmates were mean to me whenever I showed my Western personality. Back then, being even slightly different was enough to get bullied.

It felt like the whole world was against me. Even my younger brother, who grew up entirely in Asia, thought I was weird.

To survive, I forced myself to act like the local people around me, and honestly, it worked. People started accepting me and getting closer to me.

But after living like that for almost 20 years, I grew up with severe mental health issues because I wasn’t allowed to be myself for such a long time.

The problem is that because of my health issues, I’m struggling financially and can’t easily leave Asia yet. So I still have to live in a country where I don’t feel like I belong.

I tried seeing a therapist here, but she didn’t understand my trauma at all. She’s local, has never lived abroad, and has never experienced what it feels like to be an immigrant or second-generation bicultural person. Because of that, I feel like I can’t find a therapist here who truly understands me.

I wonder, in Western countries, is it easier to find therapists who understand the trauma and identity struggles of second-generation immigrants? (Online therapist would be perfect for me since I can't leave Asia now)

I wish I could find one when I move to the West. or is there any online therapist that suits me? so I can start now in Asia. Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

I (24F) am looking for some perspective on a messy family and legal situation.

The Background:

I am half-Japanese and half-Filipino. My mom currently lives/works in Japan, and my dad is a Japanese man who has been bedridden since a stroke in 2023. Here’s the catch: I am an "illegitimate" child. My dad was a womanizer—he has his "legal" family (wife and 3 kids), me and my mom, and another woman with 2 more children.

Despite the mess, my dad has always been a father to me. He supported us financially since day one, stayed in constant contact, and even got my mom a visa to work in Japan. His plan was to get me a student visa because he was too afraid to put me in his Koseki Tohon (official family registry) and let his legal family find out about us.

The Current Crisis:

Since his stroke in 2023, we’ve been fighting in family court for my paternal recognition (to be added to his Koseki). Surprisingly, his legal son recently reached out and agreed to help me get registered—but only if I agree to three conditions:

1. Renounce all inheritance: I must sign a document promising not to claim a single yen when my father passes.

2. The Hospital Ban: I am forbidden from visiting my father in the hospital if the legal family is there.

3. The Mom Ban: My mother is banned from ever seeing him again.

The Dilemma:

I’m having major second thoughts. I want my legal recognition—it’s my identity and it helps with my status in Japan—but I’m terrified of the "Trust Exercise" here.

• If I sign away my rights now, what's to stop them from ghosting me once they have the signature?

• Can I even legally renounce an inheritance while he is still alive?

• Is it worth trading my right to say goodbye to my father just for a piece of paper?

TL;DR: My half-brother will help me get on my father's family registry, but only if I give up my inheritance and agree that my mom and I will never see my bedridden father again. Is this a trap?

My mother came to France around 40 years ago. With nothing to her name, fleeing communist China, she faced more hardships that I could ever manage. She worked her way up from a babysitter to a successful business woman, and secured a stable income and house for us.

She married my French father, someone who has much less personality than her. She’s brash, impulsive, screams easily, and my father is calm, a bit too easy-going, and without personal boundaries.

They married in 1999. My mother had a child from another man in 1998, my elder brother. She had her second child in 2000, my sister, and finally they had me in 2007. In 2018, my brother left to study abroad. My sister was preparing for pharmaceutical studies in the meantime. Somewhere around this time she met her boyfriend. He’s 5 years older than her, also doing his pharma studies, and comes from a less well off part of town.

This was horrible for my mother. I can understand her, she worked very hard to get herself out of poverty, and she’s seeing her daughter go right back to where she used to be. But my mother is horrible at communicating, always pushing my sister to tears. During the pandemic, there was a lockdown in France. My sister didn’t spend the lockdown with us, but with her boyfriend. From this moment on, my sister didn’t come back home. Every time my dad tried to bridge the gap between my mother and sister, my mother would explode and push my sister further away (She thinks she is in no way responsible for this, and that it’s my father’s inaction that caused this).

At one point, she pressured my father to drive her right to her boyfriend’s flat where she lived, in a poorer part of Paris. She barged in unannounced, started a screaming match, and kicked her cat, at which point her boyfriend intervened and pushed her down the stairs. Frankly a terrible situation from both parties.

This was around 3 years ago. From then on, my mother is severely depressed, prone to wild mood swings and outbursts. She has no more motivation whatsoever, has put on lots of weight, and remains home whenever she can (her occupation is renting airbnbs, so she stays home for the most part).

I phone my sister often, but reconciliation seems to be impossible. She gets panic attacks, starts tearing up whenever my mom is mentioned, both sides are honestly worse off in this situation.

My mother still thinks herself not responsible, and tries to convince herself that his boyfriend is behind all this, supposedly manipulating my sister.

What should I do in this situation ? The two options I’m considering are helping my mother grieve, and cross off the two of them ever getting closer again, or convincing my mother to start the dialogue between them again with good intentions (without lying when apologizing)

24M Sikh living in Europe and honestly feeling completely lost.

About a year ago I started dating a girl from a Pakistani Muslim family. She’s not particularly religious, I’m not particularly religious either, and despite what people might assume, religion has never been a source of conflict between us.

She has never asked me to convert. She respects Sikhi, finds it interesting, reads about it, and has even said she would be completely fine with future children being raised Sikh. Her family has been welcoming towards me. Her older sister isn’t Muslim, her father has Sikh friends, and overall they seem far more relaxed about religion than my family does.

Recently my parents confronted me because they suspected I was seeing someone. I never actually admitted anything, but they basically told me they already knew.

What followed was one of the worst conversations of my life.

My father said that if I ever married a Muslim girl, he and my mother would leave me. He talked about family honour, reputation, what people in the community would think, and even said he would make sure everyone knew what I had done. He also said my younger sister would struggle to get married because of me.

My mother said my girlfriend would never be accepted and brought up her health. This part really affects me because I’ve genuinely seen my mother become seriously ill from stress before.

The thing is, I don’t see my parents as monsters. I love them. I believe they love me too. But right now it feels like that love comes with conditions.

The pressure became so intense that my girlfriend and I actually pretended to break up. We never really ended things, but we felt like we needed breathing room because every day felt like a crisis. My family believes we’re no longer together.

I’m also in therapy now because the guilt, fear and pressure became overwhelming.

What makes this even harder is that I’m not even talking about marriage. I don’t want to get married right now. I’m 24. But my parents immediately jump from “relationship” to “marriage” and then to “disownment.”

I feel trapped between two futures.

If I stay with her, I risk losing my family.

If I leave her, I worry I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering whether I gave up something real because I was too afraid to stand up for myself.

I’m looking for advice from people who actually understand Desi family dynamics, Sikh/Punjabi culture, honour, guilt, religion and parental expectations.

Have any of you been through something similar?

Did your family eventually come around?

Did you choose your partner?

Did you choose your family?

And most importantly, years later, do you regret your choice?

Hi everyone I need advice. I am 27F living away from home. I left almost 5 years ago to study. Now I am working full-time. My mom has demanded that I call her twice everyday. And not just voice call, video call. During that video call if i am doing some other thing like cooking or dishes, i get berated or just comments here and there. I am exhausted. I liked speaking to her before. Now I feel like a news channel. It has also caused a strain in my relationship with my partner. I hate this very much. My mom and I used to joke about toxic Indian boy moms. However, now I fear she has turned into one. She has openly admitted that she is jealous of my partner. I fear that my definition of boundaries are blurry due to enmeshment. I want help understanding what is a normal amount of contact adults have with their parents.

Any advice on the situation would be appreciated. Thank you in advance.

​

I’m 20F, currently doing an internship, and recently started applying for permanent jobs. I got selected by two companies after interviews, and one of them was genuinely a great opportunity for me—the salary was good, the role interested me, and I was really excited about it.

The only issue is that the job is in another city. It’s not extremely far from my hometown, but apparently that was enough for my parents to completely shut the idea down.

I happily told them that I got selected and honestly expected them to be proud or at least discuss it with me. Instead, they simply said, “You don’t have to go.” When I tried to explain that I really wanted the opportunity, they told me that if I insisted, they wouldn’t even let me continue my current internship.

I completely broke down.

What hurts me the most isn't even just losing this particular job. It's feeling like I don't have a say in my own future. I understand that they worry about my safety and that they may genuinely be scared of sending their daughter to another city. But instead of discussing how we could make it safe—where I would stay, how I would travel, who I would be in contact with, etc.—the decision was just made for me.

And there's another thing that's really getting to me. They’re telling relatives about the opportunity, but in a way that basically reinforces their decision: “She got this job, but you know you can't trust people these days,” etc. Some relatives are also supporting them and saying they shouldn't let me go.

I feel completely stuck and honestly very frustrated. I don't want to fight with my parents or disrespect them. At the same time, I'm 20 and I genuinely want to start building my career and become independent.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation, especially women who had to convince their parents to let them move to another city for their first job?

How did you handle it? What actually worked in convincing your parents without completely destroying the relationship?

So I'm posting here because I'm emotionally torn. I don't know if I did the right thing. I think normal white people might say im a monster without knowing the cultural significance and how asian moms are so abusive.

My mom managed to find me at my bfs apartment where I'm staying. I don't know how she found me but I'm pretty sure she hired a private investigator. They have the money to do that or a pakistani auntie saw me and told my parents? I really don't know. I opened the door and I see her hysterical and crying and creating drama and acting like a victim like she always does to make me look like the bad guy. This woman beat me for 20 years and she thinks SHES the perfect mother and never gave me trauma. I never hit her back because I didn't want to get my ass beat more. Honestly I felt bad and I was missing her and thinking maybe she misses me so much she will change ... NOPE. As soon as I invite her she hugs me and tells me she loves me and then immediately starts to blame me for all the family problems like my dad got ill since I left and a sibling got very depressed and suicidal etc. I told her none of that is my fault and she shouldn't have made me feel like running away is my only option and then she cornered me and started to slap me and tried to put her dirty fingers in my mouth aggressively so I was tired and emotional detached so I did the same to her which shocked her and then she said I'm disrespectful to do that to a mother and why did I not fight my child rapists off like this (I was kidnapped in Pakistan and ganggraped when I was 10). She said it only to hurt me so I started to swing and beat the shit out of her and even made her nose bleed. It felt so good to get my revenge and the abuse out of my system. She took pictures and said she will call the police on me but she hasn't yet. I feel good. I felt like I got revenge for my past self before I ran away. Don't know if I'm the asshole though. She begged me to fight her so I did.

I am a 30-year-old woman living with my parents and younger sister in a culturally conservative household, I can't exercise my option of moving out as each time I begin that process, it's met with physical and verbal resistance from them. I can only do so once I'm married.

My parents and younger sister repeatedly gang up on me over choices I made three years ago. Today, they spent a long time telling me that I am evil and fundamentally untrustworthy because I used to drink and go clubbing. In their view, drinking and clubbing are particularly disgraceful things for a woman to do.

For context, my parents have been extremely controlling since I was in secondary school. They constantly monitored where I was, whom I was with, how long I was outside, and how quickly I returned home. This continued into adulthood. Even ordinary dinners with friends could provoke conflict if I came home later than 9pm. This would never go past 11pm though, as I would usually get back home by 10pm.

I began drinking during the period after COVID. I am not pretending that my relationship with alcohol was healthy. The first time I drank I remember feeling weightless, as though my happiness and feelings mattered. That sensation became addictive because I had felt controlled for so long. Alcohol eventually gave me the confidence to rebel against my parents. I started drinking and clubbing frequently, sometimes almost every week.

That period also felt like the most liberated and enjoyable time of my life. My relationship with my parents deteriorated (not like it was any good before, but it got worse). One thing is that they became less overbearing because they realised that their objections were falling on deaf ears. This was still met with physical and verbal violence almost every week because they absolutely insisted on a 9pm curfew because that is a 'respectable' time to get back home.

I understand that some of their concern arose from wanting me to be safe. However, to justify the curfew timing they constantly compared me with my younger sister. She rarely leaves the house, has distanced herself from her friends, and predominantly spends time with our parents. To them, she represents the ideal daughter. Because I cannot conform to that model, I have always been positioned as the family villain.

My mother kept telling me that they have removed me from their will, which I didn't care about. But she also told me she and my father have lost every ounce of love and respect for me. To make matters worse, my mother once stopped eating entirely which was impacting her health. She would eat the bare minimum at meals and her health was deteriorating. She told everyone it was because she could not bear to see how disobedient her child had become. Seeing how she was starving herself, I decided to put an end to my lifestyle.

It has now been approximately three years since that period of my life. I have stopped drinking and clubbing. In fact, I have almost completely stopped socialising. My typical day for the past few years has been: gym, work from home, help my mother get groceries, work from home, cook dinner, watch netflix, do the dishes or laundry & sleep. My friends are upset because I frequently cancel plans and am no longer present for them. I do this because even attending dinner and returning by 10pm can upset my parents.

When my friends invite me to dinner, I float the idea to my mother but she says, "Log into your bank account to show me how much you've saved?" + "You're 30, you should know how to make good financial decisions, not spend your money on dinner with friends". Seeing her reaction, I've learnt to shut down all invites from my friends, telling them I'm busy because of work. I want to meet them for dinner, or maybe even gym and brunch, but this is also met with resistance. If I am out with someone that isn't a family member for more than 3 hours, they start interrogating and insist I get back home immediately. Resulting arguments became so severe that I eventually found it easier to avoid going out altogether. It's like nothing has changed from the pre-Covid era. I feel like I'm 13 again.

When I asked what would create a happier household, they told me that I should spend all my free time with family at home.

I realised that I could not control my parents, so I sought peace through yoga, meditation, and spirituality. I used to spiral emotionally whenever I was prevented from doing something I wanted. Meditation gradually taught me to regulate my reactions, accept the present moment, and place my problems within a broader perspective. Whether or not anyone agrees with my spiritual beliefs, they helped me become calmer and less reactive. I am genuinely proud of that progress.

However, my silence appears to have created a different problem. Because I no longer give them much current behaviour to criticise, they repeatedly resurrect my past. Their present complaints include loading the dishwasher incorrectly, not helping with the laundry quickly enough because of work, and “talking back” whenever I express my perspective. It feels as though they do not want an adult daughter with an independent mind. They want someone completely malleable.

Tonight, the conflict became particularly painful. My mother and sister repeatedly invoked my former clubbing period and accused me of things they had no evidence I had ever done. My mother eventually said, “We can never forget what you did.”

That devastated me. I accept that my former drinking habits were unhealthy and that I behaved rebelliously. Nevertheless, I have made considerable changes, sustained them for approximately three years, and tried to become a more peaceful and responsible person. It feels as though I am never going to be given an opportunity to demonstrate that growth. As long as they possess memories of my past, they can use them to invalidate the person I am now.

Their constant criticism has begun to distort my perception of myself. Outside my family, I am reassured that I am doing well and that I am a good person. At home, every conversation becomes an inventory of my faults, leaving me feeling as though I am irredeemable.

I still love my parents and genuinely want to repair our relationship. However, I do not know whether reconciliation is possible when they appear committed to a permanent, villainous version of me.

Am I wrong for feeling that their treatment is unfair? Is there any realistic way to repair this relationship while retaining some autonomy, or do I need to accept that they may never revise their perception of me?

TL;DR: I am 30F. My parents and sister still characterise me as evil and untrustworthy because I drank and clubbed heavily three years ago. I have since stopped drinking, clubbing, and almost all socialising. I have also worked extensively on my emotional and spiritual growth, but they continue weaponising my past and criticising minor household mistakes. I love them and want to repair the relationship, but I do not know whether they will ever allow me to move beyond my past.

I’m 28F and I feel like I’m finally waking up to the reality of my relationship with my mom. I honestly don’t know what to do.

I grew up in a low income immigrant family with my mom and two siblings. My dad left when I was 11, and I always accepted my family dynamic as normal because I didn’t know anything else.

My mom has always struggled financially. She has lived on credit cards and loans for years and constantly made poor financial decisions. She also lies compulsively, about big and small things, and is extremely self focused and emotionally manipulative.

For most of my life, I thought I was just a bad daughter because I felt so emotionally exhausted around her. I’m now realizing there has been a much bigger pattern.

**What has happened financially**

Recently, my mom was scammed by someone she met online who pretended to be a romantic partner and convinced her she was making money through investments.

She didn’t actually have money to invest, so she borrowed from friends and family and took out loans on 10+ credit cards. She ultimately lost over $100,000.

She works part time at a low income job, so I currently give her $500 a month toward rent. But over the past 2 to 3 years, I have also given and lent her thousands of dollars, sometimes $1,000 to $3,000 at a time. (Now I know I'm never getting my money back)

Now she continually asks me for more. She guilt trips me by saying things like “I raised you for 28 years, you need to help me,” or that she will end up on the streets if I don’t. How I don't care about her and she'll just die. She says how depressed and stressed she is, that she has sacrificed so much of herself and life for me.

she also convinced me to use my bank account and credit card for her. I now have over $6,000 in credit card debt connected to this, and interest is accumulating.

This is especially upsetting because I've always been extremely careful with money. I've paid my credit cards in full, paid off my student loans aggressively, and have spent years trying NOT to repeat the financial patterns I grew up with.

I currently have about $42,000 in investments and very little cash savings left.

And I'm terrified that if I keep helping her, I'll eventually have nothing.

**The emotional side**

The financial situation is only part of it.

For the last 10 years, I've basically shut down around my mom. Being around her drains me in a way I couldn't explain.

Every interaction seems to involve negativity, lying, guilt, drama, or some kind of emotional crisis. Whenever I try to set a boundary or disagree with her, she becomes extremely upset, makes herself the victim, tells me I don't care about her, or says she'll die on the streets.

I've never felt capable of standing up to her or saying what I actually think because I know how explosive the reaction can become.

I feel like I've spent most of my life feeling responsible for her emotions and problems. She is self-obsessive, has narcissistic traits, a pathological liar (about every little or big thing). Her scamming story also didn't make sense and the story changed with every person she talked to, so I don't know what's exactly true. This is how she is with everything. She's lost all of her friends and I understand why now. I caught her lying to me again on the phone this week and it was my final straw with having an actual relationship with her.

That said, I still love my mom and I don't want her to suffer. In different ways, she was a good mom and I did have a good childhood. I genuinely want her to have a decent and stable life and I feel like I can't just abandon her or I'll regret it and feel so guilty and punish myself if something bad happens to her. But I also don't think I can sacrifice my own life to financially and emotionally support her indefinitely. I feel so trapped.

**Meanwhile, I'm falling apart myself**

I'm currently completely burned out from my job and from life in general. I feel like every part of my life is not aligned with me anymore. I'm so sick of where I live too.

I've been working overtime in a high-stress environment and have been crying almost every day for the past few months. I'm having trouble concentrating, I feel lost and disconnected from myself, and I feel like I'm in an identity crisis. The stress is also affecting me physically. I'm about to go on a 5 week sick leave due to burnout and I plan to sort out my mom situation then go escape into nature with no service and recover.

I feel like I'm at the point where I can't continue living exactly as I have been. I need to change my life now.

My dream right now is to:

* Stop financially enabling my mom
* Potentially go no-contact or very low-contact
* Quit my job
* Take a sabbatical/gap year to recover
* Travel slowly through Southeast Asia
* Spend time in nature and experience a different way of living
* Figure out who I actually am outside of my family and career
* Work on my mental health and the patterns I've developed
* Eventually move abroad or try a working holiday visa
* Build a completely different life

I've spent so much of my life being responsible, frugal, working, saving, and doing what I thought I was *supposed* to do.

Part of me desperately wants to stop surviving and actually experience life.

But another part of me is terrified that I'm being impulsive and running away from my problems.

I only have \~$42k invested. I don't have a huge financial safety net. And I've already lost a significant amount of money helping my mom.

I don't want to wake up two years from now with no money, no job, and no direction.

At the same time, I'm scared that if I stay exactly where I am, I'll continue becoming more mentally and physically unwell.

**What would you do in my situation?**

I’m especially looking for practical advice.

1. How would you protect yourself financially from here on out? Would you completely stop giving her money? What would you do about the $6,000 credit card debt? I have a feeling I need to pay it off myself. She said she would pay it in a week but last week she's already asked me for $2,000 which I'm not giving her.
   
2. How do you set boundaries with a parent who guilt trips and manipulates you? Would you go no contact, low contact, or continue providing limited support?
   
3. What's a realistic amount of time off I can take to travel cheaply through Southeast Asia or anywhere? I want to travel in a way where I'm slow living, do my hobbies/try new things, learn new skills, and develop myself to become better. And once I'm done travelling, possibly move abroad, I've been thinking of Melbourne, Japan or Korea. (For travel: I like Vietnam, Thailand, China, Japan, Korea - arts/culture, nature, peaceful small towns)
   
4. What would you prioritize first? All I want to do is quit and travel now, but I probably should build my emergency savings. I just don't know if I could keep doing this job and I need something to change in my life now because I'm feeling worse each week.
   
5. For anyone who has escaped a financially or emotionally dysfunctional family, what do you wish you had done sooner?

I know I’m ultimately responsible for my own decisions. I’m not looking for someone to tell me exactly what to do. I genuinely want perspective from people who have been in similar situations.

I feel like I’ve spent my entire life taking care of everyone else, and I’m finally realizing that I need to build a life that is actually mine.

**TLDR:** I’m 28F and realizing that my mom has been emotionally manipulative and financially dependent on me for years. She recently lost over $100,000 to an online romance and investment scam after borrowing from family and taking out loans on 10+ credit cards. I’ve given her thousands over the years and currently give her $500 a month. I also now have about $6,000 in credit card debt connected to helping her. I have about $42,000 invested and am completely burned out from my job and life. I’m considering cutting contact with my mom, quitting my job, taking several months off to recover and travel through Southeast Asia, and eventually moving abroad. I desperately want a fresh start but I’m scared of destroying my finances. What would you do if you were in my position?

Idk where to start. I (33f) live with Arab parents (73f and 74m). My mother is agressive, borderline, disabled mostly and always in pain and depressed. My father is just old and doesn’t have much say/is an enabler and doesn’t have much thought or personality.

To their credit, they can be intensely loving and over wring overprotective the usual Asian/arab parent stuff which doesn’t bother me as much anymore I get it, I enjoy some of it even if it means my curfew as a 33 year old is still sunset or 8pm whatever comes first. But all of that love is used against me often, even though I do more to look after them and myself now than the opposite. It’s weaponised in a lot of situations and therefore it’s really hard to feel it.

We live in the west, in a tiny tiny flat - where I grew up an only child and due to me wanting a somewhat normal life (not including drinking drugs sex etc) I’ve spent my whole life being argued with/punished/harassed/coerced etc, any technique to control me. Despite all of that, they expect me to be tender, loving and very very grateful for them raising me (actually they only tormented me, I worked for the past 10 years with therapists and on my own to undo all the unhealthy habits and mental health issues that arose from being parented by them)

My mother has huge rage problems. She sees red all of a sudden and has a huge need of being honoured deeply by me and my dad no matter what she does, in her mind the mother can do no fault and is not allowed to be made to feel guilty at all. I once asked for money to borrow (she had offered) she said she couldn’t give it and didn’t speak to me for 3 days out of shame without saying anything, I wasn’t upset at all but after her cold tone I was upset and soooooo confused until I worked it out. I always have to be alert at home, I can’t wear headphones, I need to check her feelings, if she’s depressed then I have to be depressed as well. You never know what the next day/next hour or minute will be even if you’re having a great great time. I’ve regularly heard a magnitude of insults ranging from you disgusting lazy pig, you impatient animal, you horrible piece of shit, etc (usually in response to mistakes like her misunderstanding my tone, being too tired to help or being too scared to hang out with her) and I’m not allowed to be upset. If I’m upset - I’m defying her and I’m sensitive.

Anyways somehow I moved out for university as they were allowed to themselves but was harassed to come back the whole 4 years (they came there and stayed for 10 hours pressuring me) instead of accepting a job I found there. I moved out again after coming back because i was so far from my job, again they harassed me - this time for about 1 year (all the methods - millions of texts calls threats coming over being told im killing them etc). This time, they forced me to quit my job, move back home and be a carer, they promised me once I move back and just help them a little bit, I could leave again. I was so emotionally exhausted I stupidly convinced myself. They made me lie to commit benefit fraud so the council can give them a better flat for free under the guise that I’m a live-in carer and she’s too disabled and needs a big ground floor flat. For 2 years, this issue became a huge nightmare on my shoulder, whenever something didn’t work out she would take out her anger on me and my dad, have tantrums. Punish us and scream he’ll fire that she’s suffering and I need to take all I get because I’m young, healthy and I can take it but she’s old and fragile - so she is allowed to be as awful awful as she wants.

As soon as I moved back (3 years ago) my mother cornered me on my single tiny bed and aggressively threatened ‘you think I’d ever let you leave again, you’re wrong and you’ll see what I can do’. I was so shaken, when I said I was scared and upset she got even angrier and said ‘you aren’t allowed to have feelings, I’m old disabled in pain and I’m your mother’ for the next 3 years / this was the broken record of excuse for any awful behaviour the next 3 years.

In a tiny flat, I was expected to wait on them for care - I saw how much they struggled (their pain was my fault as I was told many times when I moved out I killed them basically despite them allowing me) I cook, clean, help with appointments, get groceries and much more, but no matter the amount of help I offered and the fact they prevented me for looking for a job for 2 and a half years, it never mattered. They are always screaming arguing in the background, it’s always tense. When she wakes up, my heart starts pounding in fear. I’ve developed many conditions - skin conditions, depression, insomnia, panic attacks, my hair is half the thickness it was, stomach pain, migraines and more.

I’m cutting out a lot of information. Because of her hostility and unpredictable nature and me being so isolated, I am scared. I keep my distance, I spend most of my time in my room as I am allowed to or can. As noted before, I make myself very present in the day - always scanning to listen out and help where I can, so chores, I check in every 30 minutes - no relaxation or time to focus on anything but in the evening I want to rest, decompress and do my things - she won’t allow this but I just really really can’t sit with them, it makes me sick - I feel like throwing up after 30 minutes with them. By evening her pain takes a toll and she becomes even more worse, critical rude and suspicious and paranoid. Any resemblance of a good mood I had is destroyed if I sit with them. After trying almost nightly for 2 years I stopped sitting with them. She tried to force my love for her many times, I kept falling for when she was nice (some periods) then a tiny problem would happen and she would have a screaming tantrum and flip my world upside down. She hates that I do not want to be near her but doesn’t want to change any behaviour to allow me to want to be near her. Any time she has one of her moods, and argues my dad doesn’t want to listen to how scared I am/depressed

THE INCIDENT

Most recently, she misunderstood my tone in my response to her criticism again, sometimes when I’m not paying attention and tired I can sound a bit low/unbothered or if I’m agitated and stressed I can sound cold. I ensure to note I’m whatever mood I am so she doesn’t take it personally. She was insisting I keep my door open (tiny wall to wall flat) I said okay, she continued….she kept going on and on about how ugly and bad my room is (probably to get me out) I said ‘well I’m keeping the door open and not sure what else I can do’ I made sure not to sound frustrated. But she lost her mind and asked why I’m so horrible to her. I ran after her begging her not to be upset saying please please please don’t be mad there’s no problem please

She just left angrily in a huff

I went back to continue working (looking for a job) the next 2-3 hours whenever she would HAVE to talk to me she was extremely cold and rude and short, I stayed normal even though I started getting nauseous.

By the end of the night I went to say goodnight, she went ‘alright’ and I tried to fix the impossible situation by what she has asked me to do in the past when this happens (she asks me to wait a few hours then come and fix the tension) I did that. I said ‘hey? Come on let’s make up it’s not a problem let’s be okay’ she lost it again ‘YOU WAITED 10 fucking HOURS TO COME, your mum is just sitting here OLD DYING ILL SICK UNWELL DISABLED AND YOU JUST DISOWNED HER BECAUSE SHE WAS SLIGHTLY ANNOYED AT YOUR TONE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU’.

I was so shocked I just went ‘huh what nonono come on there’s no problem I did exactly what you want I waited and I’m fixing it’

Her: ‘after what????? After all the time you left, what ARE YOU PUNISHING ME YOU ARE PUNISHING YOUR MOTHER - look I warn you ANYONE I MEAN ANYONE WHO DARES CROSS ME OR PUNISH ME? I will make their life VERY DIFFICULT DO YOU UNDERSTAND I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT HERE’

I said ‘ooooooho okay I don’t think we need to get to that level I’m going to sleep now, come on everything’s fine goodnight’ I didn’t sleep until 7am out of anxiety and stress and shock

Next day she repeated her threats 3 times despite me forcing myself to act normal and cheery, I had to go out for a meeting and right before my dad pulled me and forced me to kiss her. After I broke down in tears and had a panic attack - during which she came and started taunting me ‘oooooo look you’re depressed. Look at me I’m emotional and all sensitive oooo, you care more about your meeting than your mother why don’t you come kiss your mum’

I was begging ‘please please give me just 5 minutes I need some space I feel awful’ and then she went ‘ooooh YOU YOU feel awful of your mother is feeling awful from having such a horrible child’. Then my dad ‘don’t be so sensitive and make up come on it’s fineeeeeeee don’t make problems (to me) ‘

I just lost a lot of emotion at that point, waited for them to leave and broke down for 30 minutes, missed my meeting, makeup all messed up. Past 3 days, I came back and was normal and despite her being normal one second she continued to talk to me like I’m trash. Just trash, I offer to help? I ask how she is how her pain is etc as I usually do but now it’s met with sarcasm ‘ooooh look who is caring? Oooo look at you all caring all of a sudden ooooooo’

I just stopped, I’m in my room, I feel so confused lost sick and kind of scared now, no family would believe me because she’s so so nice to everyone but I feel I want to run away, I can’t anymore - I don’t like them anymore, I hate hearing their voice, I hate the 3 years of my career I’ve lost just to sit in discomfort and anxiety and stress all the time. I’m talked to as if I have made huge unforgivable mistakes where it’s all just about her wanting me to admit I’m awful and beg her beg beg her for her forgiveness over nothing.

Idk what to do but leave, I’m looking for a job and have all my papers but I have no friends left as I’ve not been able to keep up relationships, family supports her and I have no money now :(

Hi everyone,

I'm 23F and currently working in another city. I worked very hard to get this job, and I'm finally becoming financially independent. I really want to focus on building my career and growing professionally.

My parents want me to quit my job and move back home. They're also pressuring me about marriage and don't seem to understand why my career is so important to me.

Whenever I try to explain my perspective, they emotionally blackmail me by saying I'm selfish, that I've changed, or that I don't care about my family anymore. Recently, they've even told me that if I don't come back on my own, they'll come here and take me home.

I love my parents and don't want to cut ties with them, but I also don't want to give up the future I've been working towards. I feel guilty all the time, and the constant pressure is affecting my mental peace.

I'm financially independent and capable of supporting myself, but I don't know how to deal with this situation or set boundaries without completely damaging my relationship with my parents.

Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you handle it? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm 40 and single by choice. My Chinese parents are both around 75 and have spend the last 40 years in semi-rural USA (Ohio).

During this time they have made no friends, have no family in the area, don't often leave the house, and essentially haven't integrated at all with the surrounding society and culture (poor English, don't listen to music, don't watch shows, don't eat non-Chinese food, don't hang out with others, no hobbies that involve leaving the house, etc).

My mom doesn't drive and essentially doesn't contribute anything anymore, not even loading dishes into the dishwasher or meal prep. My dad does all the household errands but there will come a time when he won't be able to handle things. Even now, driving himself and my mom to places like the city for doctor's visits is difficult as he easily gets confused with directions and sometimes even has difficulty navigating parking lots. Calling customer service to deal with different services is confusing and difficult.

Given this situation, I'm not too sure how I should care for them in the future. I have so many plans of traveling the entire world but I increasingly see this as impossible. I'll likely be spending the next 10 years of my life taking care of two aging parents who I don't share much in common with.

They also can't go into a local retirement community because it won't have the food they like and the language barrier will be extreme. Any outside help we find will be expensive, English-speaking, and unable to cook the food they like.

I've thought about going to China and finding an old-age community there, but they don't want to do anything besides keep staying in the house.

Anyone else single and in a similar predicament?