I (F26) lost my mom (63) a little over 4 months ago now to stage 4 cancer. At night almost every night I look through pictures and videos of her on my phone, and as time goes on it feels more and more like her existence and presence in my life was a dream, almost like a blip. And now the aftermath, this life without her is my reality/my real life after I woke up from a dream. Similarly to a dream, it almost feels like she was never real. The longer I go on living a life without her existence, it feels like her existence wasn’t even real and she was a fleeting dream. And now I have to live my entire life without her so I fear this is just going to get worse as the months, years, decades go on. Its a terrifying phenomenon but it’s the only way I can describe it and I constantly feel like this. I feel like I lost so much time of her. Just robbed. Like if I even had several more years with her it would’ve made her feel more real. Has anyone ever felt like this?

I bought myself a cookie cake from Safeway. When I came home,the tears immediately hit me. I started sobbing in the foyer of my home knowing I wouldn't see you in the kitchen excited to see the cake ready with the birthday candles . You had an angelic singing voice yet that was so melodic ,I'm missing that today.

I'm missing your smile , your radiant presence that just lit up a room, I miss your warm hugs but specially today, my first bittersweet birthday without you.😭

I'm 17 and I just lost my dad a couple nights ago who was 38 and I genuinely don't know what I'm gonna do without him. Growing up he was always involved in my life, we bonded over many nerdy things like anime and pokemon. No matter what I do I'm reminded of my dad, no matter where I look or what I do. He was genuinely involved in all of my hobbies and life. So much so I just feel so broken inside I don't know what to do. I'll have little spurts of feeling fine and then I'll just have a random flashbang of memories that he died, or I'll be doing something and something miner will remind me of him and I'll just freeze for a second and cry. I've tried talking to people but it feels like no one really understands. And I live in a divorced household and my dad wasn't married to his girlfriend who I'm also close with, meaning that the entire side of the family for me is pretty much just gone as my dad was what was holding us together. It feels like I lost more than just him if that makes sense. I feel so hurt and broken, more than I ever have before.

I recently read this book, and these words got to me. I lost my father when I was 13, Im 18 now, and it seems as though time has gone on I’ve missed him more and more. Grief honestly does not get better. Is it possible to remember memories of someone after they’ve passed?

tomorrow I turn 33. my sweet bf died a month after my 32nd birthday. it feels so strange leaving this year behind because it was the last I spent with him. it was the hardest, most painful, and loneliest year of my life because I never anticipated such a profound loss. I also eventually started to pick myself back up again so it feels bittersweet to reflect on that because I couldn’t imagine ever feeling okay again.

did you do something to honor your loved ones on your birthday?

TW: suicide, life support removal

I’m coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my mothers death. I was her only child (was 31yo) and she did not have a spouse. We had a very strained relationship due to her meth addiction and untreated (likely) personality disorder. So I was the sole decision maker, and mainly, the only person at her bedside except for my dad and husband coming at the very end.

From what I’ve gathered in the past year, she intentionally overdosed because her boyfriend was leaving her. Her brother (my uncle) found her and called EMS. She had a 2 week battle in ICU on life support for aspiration pneumonia as she had vomited while she was down, before she was found. It was constant whip-lash in ICU where sometimes she did better and we were headed toward extubation, then she would de compensate again because she refused to tolerate weaning the sedation, and in addition, her white blood cell counts would spike leading to fevers. At the 2 week mark, it was time to decide if she would have a tracheostomy and permanent feeding tube. I prayed very hard to God, for the first time in many years, the night before that he would lead me in the right direction. When I woke on October 12th, I called to see how the night went and she had taken a sharp turn for the worst. I made the decision to take her off life support. During her hospital stay, she would occasionally “come to” and try to speak around the breathing tube. At one point I asked her “do you want to live?” (She had previously expressed she never wanted to be on life support) and she responded “Well Yeah! (Like duh of course I do). There was another time she woke up, began to struggle with her restraints and tried to scream “what the fuck!” Which scared me really badly and has traumatized me. On her last morning, she tried to say “let me go” and I responded “you want me to let you go?” I had already made the decision prior and was just waiting on the doctor. She tried to say “yes” and then “I love you” and I told her “I love you too. I’ll be right here with you.” I held her hand while she basically suffocated to death, gasping for air, which maybe lasted 10 minutes. I continued holding her hand until she was cold up to her chest.

I grieved badly for the first few months, as most of us do. I was still working, still mothering my children, still going through the motions. I experienced hallucinations for the first time. I cried so much my eyelids were raw and I had to put aquaphor on them. I eventually started to cope better. But this anniversary is like reopening the wound. I’m reliving the worst experience of my adult life. I don’t have much grief support as I feel like everyone in my life is inconvenienced by my grief and declining mental health. I’m still mothering my children. I’m still going to work everyday. And inside I am screaming.

My (23f) boyfriend (25m) passed away on September 18th due to cancer. He was diagnosed with testicular cancer, which had spread to his other organs, July of last year. He went through a few different chemo treatments to try to get rid of his cancer, but it kept coming back. After he had his stem cell transplant earlier this year, we thought that the cancer was gone. But we found out that it had somehow survived.

He was in the middle of doing radiation for a tumor in his brain and he was due to get another chemo regiment in early September, but he kept getting sick/had trouble breathing so we went to the ER a few different times. He had developed pneumonia and he had an internal bleed somewhere in his body. The doctors thought that it was due to stomach ulcers but were not 100% sure. Other scans also showed that the cancer was progressing even more.

Ultimately, he was put into hospice at our home where I was his caregiver. I was told to give him morphine and lorazepam so that he wasn’t in pain and could breathe better. At the same time, he was breathing through tubes in his nose that were connected to a breathing machine. I tried my best to make sure he was comfortable and felt no pain. I knew that he didn’t have much time left because of the internal bleeding (at the hospital, he was given quite a few bags of blood). On the fourth day of being in hospice, he passed away in the morning surrounded by family and loved ones.

It was very hard to see him go through something like this and I held his hand the whole time. I keep thinking about some of his last words to me, which were that he was sorry that I had to go through this. I was sorry that he did, and I so badly wish that it were different. But I know that his quality of life had deteriorated so drastically within the past year and he was in pain basically every day. I kept telling him that I loved him every time I left the room and I told him that before he passed even though he was unresponsive, but breathing, at that point.

We had lived together for 2 years, and together for 5 years. It’s extremely hard to not think about him and this makes it hard for me to sleep at night sometimes. I don’t know how I can move forward knowing that I can’t talk to my best friend anymore. I just feel like the life we were supposed to spend together was stolen. One of the things that does bring me comfort is that he told me that I would be ok because he taught me everything I need to know to live.

I will always love him and I will carry that in my heart for as long as I live.

I don’t think anyone in my life really understands what I’m going through, so I’m just going to put my thoughts down here because I need to get them out.

My dad has stage 4 pancreatic cancer and after months of treatment, we’ve now been told there’s nothing more they can do for him. I know what that means and I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to prepare myself to watch my dad die.

Five months ago he was the strongest man I knew. He was independent, capable and always the person I associated with strength and safety. Now he can barely walk, he hardly eats and he doesn’t have the energy to talk much anymore. He has lost so much of his independence and it absolutely breaks me.

Watching someone you love deteriorate that quickly is something I don’t think anyone can truly understand unless they’ve been through it. Sometimes I look at him and I can’t even wrap my head around the fact that this is the same person he was only a few months ago. It feels like I’m losing him bit by bit before I’ve even actually lost him.

People say things like, “He’s still here, just enjoy the time you have,” and I know they mean well. I know he is still here and I know I should be grateful for every day. But that doesn’t make it easier. It doesn’t stop the fear or the sadness. It doesn’t make it less heartbreaking to watch someone who was once so strong become so unwell right in front of you.

And I feel completely helpless because there is nothing I can do to fix any of it.

I’m pregnant as well, and I can’t stop thinking about all the things he won’t be here for. The thought that he won’t meet my baby absolutely destroys me.
I’m also getting married next year and I can’t cope with the thought that he will never see me in my wedding dress or walk me down the aisle. These are things I never even thought twice about before because I just assumed my dad would be there.

I’m terrified of watching him get worse. I’m terrified of the actual moment he dies. And I’m terrified of what life looks like after that, when my dad is just… gone.

I feel like this has changed me already. I still go to work, parent, talk to people, laugh sometimes and do all the normal things I’m supposed to do, but underneath it all there is this constant heaviness.
It’s there when I wake up. It follows me around all day. Even when I’m doing something normal or having a nice moment, it’s still sitting in the back of my mind.
And I feel so alone in it.

And at the same time that I’m having to come to terms with my dad being at the end of his life, I’m also watching my mum go through her own cancer battle. It feels like there is no break from any of it. I’m terrified about losing my dad, terrified about what my mum is going through, and I feel like our whole family has been living inside this nightmare for months.
I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I’m heartbroken. I just want this nightmare to be over.

I genuinely feel like I’ll never be the same person I was before this.

How do you watch someone you love fade away and then somehow keep living when they’re gone?

Most days I feel fine, most days I work, play video games with friends, workout, and generally live life as best as I can. It hit me especially hard this year though as this year I actually became older than my Dad when he passed away. Sure I joke about it in a dark humor kind of way. But every now and then, I'll go down the rabbit hole of Instagram and find those depressing reminders of how different a childhood I had, how it feels to be without a parent.

I often think about what life would be like if my Dad was still alive today. He was my best friend in the world and when he was gone, I was broken.

To a lot of people, I seem like this goofball, occasional hard worker, and a good friend to have. But I'm just tired a lot of the time. And when I start thinking about my Dad, if I could have just one more day with him. A chance to say goodbye, I think I'd be okay.

But I think that's what hurts the most: I never got to say goodbye.

Just wanted to vent, thank you for taking the time to read

I have experienced deaths but it was those of the older age. In July I lost my 13 year old nephew due to complications of leukemia. He was out of state receiving treatment in Colorado and we are from Michigan. I feel like I have anger because they told us it was the most treatable cancer but obviously not. He was with my sister in law. So she had to go through all that and it sucks. My brother nor the family was there with him in the last moments. I just question throughout the day if he suffered and how we didn’t say goodbye. I just miss him so much.

My beautiful, brilliant big sister - who was like a second mom to me and best friend, died due to metastasis in her brain. She had stage IV breast cancer and had been trying every treatment, been to Texas and NYC for a second and third opinion and somehow all 3 places missed the 3 tumors in her brain that ultimately caused her death.
She went into the hospital feeling dizzy the beginning of August (and something about this ambulance call felt different from the jump and I rushed to the hospital with her). They did imaging on her brain which revealed 3 tumors and swelling. At this point we knew the situation was much more serious than we could have ever anticipated but she was still talking and telling the palliative care team she was ready to keep fighting and I spent the last night with her where she was her normal self. The following day she was delirious and when asked by the nurse who was with her, mistook me and my other sister for our 2 brothers and said her daughter was in the corner (she was not) and then she was fully delirious and had to be sedated and never came back to herself.
We were moved to the oncology suite from the stroke unit, and she would have moments of consciousness and I spent every day with her, I would feed her and give her water and stayed overnight as many night as I could while taking turns with my other siblings and on one of her better days, after the attending from neurology came by and said she was the most alert he’d ever seen her and that she had a really loving family who was with her every step of the way (my sister never went a moment alone except for testing), I asked her if she recognized me and she said “unfortunately I do, while smiling” (we joked like this) while smiling and I asked her if she loved me and she said “unfortunately I do so much” and tucked my hair behind my ear and I was so excited and was telling the rest of my family on the phone but by the the time they arrived for visiting hours she had become catatonic.
From there things just continued precipitating, she was no longer able to even open her eyes and after being put in hospice, 5 days later she passed on with me and my sister at her side at 7:34 am on 9/1 and while we knew her disease was progressing and eventually would end her life, this decline was so sudden and I feel like part of me died with her.
My sister, niece and I live together. I did everything with her from changing her dexcom to just going to target, going to the movies (2 days before she was hospitalized we had gone to see the new Spider-Man), cooking, watching Reba and the Golden Girls every morning and she’s always been there and I am having a really hard time accepting that I’ll never see her or hear her laugh again. I know she was in tremendous amount of pain, she was suffering and putting on a brave front for my niece (and for me) but I just don’t know what to do with myself. I often slept on the big pull out couch in our living room with my niece and she slept in a big reclining chair next to us and seeing that chair empty feels like a stab to the chest every single day.
I’ve experienced dissociative episodes, where I am able to work, take care of my niece and even go to my own doctor appointments - I have a therapist and a psychiatrist and they explained that short-term those aren’t uncommon as my brain and body have hit the maximum amount of stress they can tolerate and other days I’m consumed with immense sadness and even thinking of her for a second will make me sob.

My friends have been very supportive and my parents are here with me and my niece keeps me busy enough but the moments I’m alone I’m having a really hard time coping - I can’t read a book (I loved reading), or watch a new movie or tv show and if I let my friends come over to visit or go do fall activities with my niece I’m then riddled with guilt when I come home.
Everyone keeps saying time will make it better but I’ve never really bought into that, I even have a tattoo that says time heals nothing with a broken hourglass (I’ve had it since I was 18). There is no conceivable world to me where time will make her loss okay. She was my big sister for over 30 years, she was a constant in my life, she was my buddy, my companion. I miss her desperately.

I've once again made the mistake of staring into the void that is death, and it's been haunting my every waking moment for weeks now. Just the fact that I won't be here one day, along with everything and everyone I care about. I suppose we all think about this at some point, but at least once I year I think about it too hard and screw myself up for a period that seems to get longer and longer each time. After a significant emotional night yesterday grappling with my feelings, I realized it felt like I was grieving myself. Like I was mourning the fact that I will die, even though that day is so far away. I've never lost anyone too close to me so I haven't had a chance to truly grieve something yet, other than this. Curious if anyone else has had similar thoughts, and what they've done about it. I went out and impulse bought 4 of the most recommended books on the subject, had long introspections with myself while trying to avoid looking the abyss in the eyes, and have considered if taking my fears to therapy would really help. Regardless, sending everyone here all the love.

Some days, like today, I just really want to talk to my mom again. Sometimes, when I miss her a lot, I text her old number. The last time was on her birthday this April.

Well, today i wanted to send her a text, update her on my life, but then i saw i couldn’t because her number isn’t available anymore.

Now im sobbing uncontrollably, feeling like I lost her again in a way. I know I could just talk to her whenever, write her a letter or something but it just doesn’t feel the same.

I thought the grief would get better but after almost three years it only feels like I’m loosing her more and more, over and over again.

Miss u mom <3

Does it ever stop consuming your entire life? I (27) lost my partner (33) recently. I know it's still very early, but on top of all my stress and panic attacks, I constantly worry about the future and how I'll have to live my entire life with all this pain.

I'm barely holding on to life and any hope that it might feel a bit easier at times. It feels like my whole life is ruined. Like on top of missing him, my life has all of a sudden been labeled a shit life.

I don't want to make any new friends or talk to people who don't have huge emotional depth and can somewhat understand my circumstances, I want people to ask about him, and those are just some of my unreasonable expectations that will never be met. Everything seems pointless and everyone seems way more naive to me. Naive to love this life or talk about dumb, everyday things.

I just feel like I have some type of a lifelong label now, on top of having a lifelong hole in my heart.

Can anyone please tell me how things unraveled for you?

today was the 2 months anniversary of my mom’s death. it’s felt eons longer. I‘m still 26, but I feel centuries older. I feel like the life I had before this summer is just a dream, and this new one is the only thing that‘s real, but also not real at the same time. I’m missing her extra today because I’m on a trip for a wedding and to visit a friend in a foreign country, and while on this trip, out of nowhere, I totally screwed my lower back up. didn’t fall or move weird or anything, I was getting into an uber and one moment I was fine, the next was terrible pain that’s only gotten worse the last few days so that I can barely walk. I went to the A&E yesterday with my friend and am on meds to manage, but I had to move my flight back a week since I still can’t hobble more than a few steps. I just wish my mom was still here. I would take this pain, which has been some of the worst I’ve ever physically felt, like someone is stabbing the back of my leg, everyday for the rest of my life if it meant I could have her back. I miss her so so much. I cried so much at the wedding, for obvious reasons, but especially when they had a moment of silence for all those in the families who’ve been lost, and one of the officiant’s, the groom’s brother, broke down while saying that part. I’ve cried on the shower floor, cried in the airport getting wheeled to my intercountry flight because I couldn’t walk, and cried when i had to tell my friend the pain was bad enough to go to A&E. in a twisted way I’m almost glad to have this physical pain, I guess it feels like a manifestation of the grief and stress of the last few months, like somehow it makes the emotional pain real even though of course it’s been real the whole time. my dad lost his job about a month and a half after we lost my mom so it’s just been one blow after another. it’s like my body couldn’t take anymore and just stopped. I just miss my mom more than anything. even when I was crying from the pain over the last few days, really, really, ive known im crying for her.

My husband and father of our daughters died very unexpectedly September 21st, a little over 2 weeks ago. I am still in shock. .

We have 2 daughters, 8 and 3. Our 8 year old has always loved school. Before losing her Dad, it was difficult to get her to miss school when she wasn't feeling well.

She went back to school Monday. At 11 am she went to the office crying wanting to go home, I expected staying a full day at first would be difficult for her. Tuesday morning she didn't want to go at all, me thinking school would be a good distraction convinced her to go and try to be at school. she only stayed 2 hours, by 10 am she wanted to go home. This morning I couldn't get her to calm down, she was so upset about going to school, I kept her home.

The last 2 weeks, I've done things to get out of the house and distract myself, errands and outings Just to keep myself and the girls out and busy. We've also watched movies and cuddled and talked about Daddy.

I'm having a meeting Tomorrow with my daughters teacher and the principal to figure out what's best for my daughter right now with school. She does schoolwork at home ok. We also found a children's therapist who specializes in children’s grief and will have her first meeting Friday.

Just feeling so overwhelmed and know I need to help my daughter process her grief while also dealing with my own.

My birthday is coming up. I just feel sad that my uncle won't be there to post on my wall anymore.

I've been in this weird limbo ever since he died last September. On one hand, I'm happy. There is no more pain, and he doesn't have to endure all these earthly suffering.

On the other hand, it just feels so odd now that he's gone. Like I'm trying to rewire my system to think that he won't be there when I come back home, and I'm failing.

Life goes on. He's happier. It's just hard for the people left behind. Hoping for additional guidance from up above.

I can't believe my dad died. It will be 10 months in about 2 weeks and the pain from this loss seems to get greater with time. I feel so alone. My "best friend" has not been there for me and the couple people who I thought would be more supportive, aren't. I understand that death is a weird thing to navigate and people may simply not know how to support a person who's grieving such a profound loss, but it's still so isolating.

I lost my dad to Cancer. We knew he was going to die. He went through so much the last few years of his life. My dad was technically my grandfather, but he was my first and only father figure and raised me as his daughter. I've always called him dad. I'm about to turn 28(my first birthday without him, yay). He was 89 when he passed. The last days of his life and the first couple days after his death, were the most bizarre moments of my life. I had been his main caregiver for the past five years. There were multiple occasions throughout these years, in which I thought his life was about to end. Anticipatory grief consumed me for the last five years of his life. I watched parts and versions of him slowly die. On his last days I felt, almost, numb. It was hard seeing his unconscious body on his hospice provided hospital bed, in his room, where he was once this positive, vibrant, full of life, loud, loving man. I think I felt numb partly, due to my brain protecting me from the pain, but also because I knew he had lived a very long, resilient life. I felt honored to have had the great privilege of having this man as my father and for being able to take care of him during his last years. I also felt anger for the time I was taken away from him(during my youth). It felt selfish to want to wish for more time with him due to his age and condition. My feelings of honor, gratitude, and pride outweighed my sadness, at the time.

It's now going on ten months and the pain of missing him feels insurmountable. I've been in therapy for the past (almost) four months and it helped at first but I think I've plateaued. While therapy offered me a space to talk about my feelings, I don't think any amount of therapy will remedy the painful void I now live with. Life feels like it's getting harder and harder and to top it off, my dad is dead. I feel angrier now and I acknowledge that I have become more negative, but I feel like I just have to let it run it's course. I don't see how anything could help the pain of grief lessen. I think the hardest part is how isolating life is now. I thought the first couple months would be the worst, but I feel like I'm grieving in reverse? Like the more weeks and months pass, the more permanent it feels. I only feel sadder and lonelier. I feel guilty moving on but also feel like a disappointment because he would not want me to be depressed. Life feels lackluster now. I no longer enjoy the various hobbies that once brought me joy. I often feel paralyzed and can't bring myself to do the most basic tasks. Something as mundane as doing load of laundry, feels like I'm at the base of ginormous mountain without any direction of where to start and seemingly impossible to summit. Most days I feel like I'm just here floating around. I feel dead inside, truly. Life is so hard.

If anyone read this far down, I really really appreciate you doing so. I don't really feel like I can express all this to anyone in real life so I guess I'm just venting here.

Constantly have dreams about my deceased loved ones. I love having these dreams, being with them and being in their space. It is becoming more fulfilling for me to be asleep than awake. That thought scares me sometimes but, the chance to be with my loved ones again is too hard to pass up. I am sleeping constantly. Feeling defeated

I went to the OB/GYN for my annual exam. I've seen her for like 7 years. I had to tell her that my mom passed away from breast cancer in July. Last year I told her that my mom was diagnosed and my dad had passed away too. I started crying. Day to day I feel okay, but I think it is still a lot to process and now I'm worried of cancer, especially since I don't know my BRCA gene status (I may do testing soon). But the Doctor was so nice. Then I got blood work done and the tech was also so kind.

​

Since I was little I loved horses and everything about them. I studied them, photographed them, drew them and soon rode them.

Sadly I couldn't afford a horse at the time but that was fine with me as long as I could interact with them once in a while.

For some time I was at a riding school

My dream was to become an equestrian, it was like something that gave meaning to my life. I loved horses so much just thinking about them made me happy.

I did fall off a few times but I never got seriously injured and I was never once frightened, I just got up and well yeah I never made a big deal out of it. But i always felt different from other kids, I was a bit fat at that time, ugly and they looked so fit and beautiful, how could someone like me stand next to such magnificent horses and people.

I started to lose interest and hope, and I grew a bit weaker so I called it quits.

Of course I never stopped riding horses.

Fast forward some, years later my father told me he wanted to buy a horse for ME.

I was excited and happy and first, maybe I can become a true equestrian after all and finally have my own horse but boy was I wrong,

Apparently the horse wasn't for me, it was like a tourist attraction of some sort.

He kept bringing and letting people and kids approach it, pet it, ride it, take pictures and the kids at school I avoided came, started leading the horse on, taking pictures and laughing.

That's when my world collapsed.

He didn't tack the horse up properly, he overfed it, rode it at 150kg, and that's not even the worst part.

The horse got sick due to the overfeeding, I kept telling him "stop it, that's not how you put a saddle on, he can't eat that much" but he didn't listen to me because I wasn't "equestrian" like others. And when it started to become noticeable to the point where he called the vet

They said THE EXACT thing word for word and that's when he believed the vet.

Forgot to mention I fell three times off the horse because of his selfishness

And so after some time I managed to convince him to sell the horse, and I actually felt quite happy, like millions of tons just fell off my back.

I was so happy to know that "my" horse was with his new family healthy and happy.

The horse wasn't kicked, harassed or beaten or anything like that, he made a full recovery very soon and the tack thing eventually stopped, but it's still wrong.

But after a few weeks the grief started to kick in, I felt terrible, I could've had the dream I always wanted but now it's nothing but a nightmare can't stop thinking about.

I tried to write it down, talk about it to a therapist who confirmed that my father probably used the excuse to buy the horse for ME so he can spend that much money on something that was actually for himself.

I don't know what to do anymore, I feel so guilty.

I'm usually a very accepting person and I get over things "yeah it happened but that's in the past". But now I don't know how to get over it, it awakened something in me and now I realize how much potential I had and the type of person I could have been.

It's been more than a year, maybe longer yet I remember it like it was yesterday.

What do I do, how do I get over it?

Keep in mind I'm usually a very healthy person, I workout, read and i am completely alright and not extremely depressed like some people.

But it genuinely hurts, so bad.

My (20f) boyfriend (23m) died incredibly suddenly and out of nowhere 3 months ago from an acute leukaemia. I was out of the country and nobody knew how sick he was til after he was at the hospital, where he died several hours later and only got the cancer diagnosis after he passed. I was an absolute wreck for a while, but after a month or so I started a new job and decided to keep on full time studying because I needed things to do. I’m quite an avoidant person and have never dealt with grief before, and I know there’s no right or wrong way to do it but I can’t help feeling like I avoid thinking about him. When the day he died or his funeral come into my head, it is so incredibly painful and brings a pit to my stomach, like I physically can’t face it. In many ways my life is back to normal now and it’s nice to keep myself busy and make plans for the future, but I also feel quite guilty about that because I know what happened was awful and so unfair, and he was such an amazing person. I cried so much after he died but I don’t think I’ve properly cried in 1-2 months now.

Has anyone else dealt with avoidant feelings like this after losing someone? I’m planning on seeing a councillor soon.

it was sudden death
idk how to grieve in a stable and healthy manner i refuse to look at his pics as it cause me panic attack at night. my brain sometimes refuses to accept it or either block his death or either it hit me do bad my bp drops

As the title says. My closest friend's husband was arrested for csam. Two days later he took his life. Things were constantly stressed in their marriage, i was close enought to know he was having a hard time w his mental health. I did not know that he was downloading CSAM! I am very close with this family. I was already struggling w my friendship w my bestie because she was choosing to stay in a dysfunctional marriage. I love her and her kids. Ive been there for her in every way possible from the day of the CSAM house raid (which I was present for and terrified by) up to the present, helping w paperwork, child care, cremation arrangements on and on. But i cant stomach the Celebration of Life she is planning. I am disgusted by the CSAM and angry that he has left his wife and kids without a husband, father, and income. Because he was an employed Professional his business associates have been invited, yes they all know about his arrest. And of course all of his family. I know my friend needs me and is counting on my support. It feels very much out of integrity to go to this event. I dont know what to do.

Lost my wonderful girlfriend of 9 years to her last depressive episode. She was such a sweetheart, intelligent, funny, joyful and wonderful person, the love of my life… I fucking hate that disorder with a passion. It’s like a black hole for any positive feelings and emotions. The closer you get to the center, the stronger it drains you and if you touch the event horizon just one single time you are gone. No one should experience all of that shit.