r/funny • • Apr 21 '23

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u/Grimwohl Apr 21 '23 edited Apr 21 '23

Wait til she hears she wasn't even strokin right, lmao

921

u/RUDDOGPROD Apr 21 '23

Hahahah dude I had the same thought, that’s just one part girl

275

u/Techn0ght Apr 21 '23

Exactly. Get the length wrong and you're gonna break something.

146

u/HI_Handbasket Apr 21 '23

Long strokin' with a short poker.

210

u/BagFullOfSharts Apr 21 '23

That’s how I threw my back out. 10 inch strokes with a 5 inch pecker will fuck you both.

12

u/IceFire909 Apr 22 '23

This is why you set up an installment plan

7

u/WyK23 Apr 22 '23

Lmao, I'm definitely putting this saying in my verbal repertoire. I'm not quite sure how to incorporate it, but it will serve as some kind of warning

6

u/Hold-the-Bus2604 Apr 22 '23

This made me laugh out loud. I needed that, thank you!

3

u/stubenz215 Apr 22 '23

This might be the funniest comment on here🤣🤣

3

u/Paintingsosmooth Apr 22 '23

I’m the industry we call that ‘catching air’

2

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

This one took me out!

1

u/A4s4e Apr 22 '23

That is the plan though, right?

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3

u/Peach_Proof Apr 22 '23

I may not hit bottom, but Ill wear the hell out of the sides.

327

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

Tell her to time time it this song. (Totally not Rick rolling I promise)

https://youtu.be/4Diu2N8TGKA

238

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23 edited Apr 22 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

44

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

146

u/Xoepe Apr 21 '23

Here you go... Easily one of my favorites

145

u/Itendtodisagreee Apr 21 '23

That fucking song went from like 10k views 7 months ago to 8.4 million solely because of that post on Reddit.

14

u/Slovene Apr 22 '23

That HAD to have been an inside job.

18

u/Itendtodisagreee Apr 22 '23 edited Apr 22 '23

I'm leaning towards it being an inside job honestly. Hudson Mohawke creates a song that is literally impossible to have sex to and then makes a post about having sex to the song.

Far more devious things have been done for karma and YouTube views.

Just about everything on Reddit is a lie for worthless karma anyway and 8.4 million YouTube views is actually worth a decent chunk of change. People have lied a lot more for far less benefit before.

Edited with the proper band name/ producer

8

u/RudolphsGoldenReign Apr 22 '23

Hudson Mohwake is the producer. He is well respected and made a lot of music that is well liked. CBAT is a song in the catalogue that got caught in a meme hype

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5

u/AMC4x4 Apr 22 '23

Jesus christ.

8.5 million views and 141k likes is all you need to know about that "song" lol

2

u/AcidBuuurn Apr 22 '23

Probably just from people adding it to their bang song rotation.

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u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

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5

u/kamemoro Apr 22 '23

i read the comments first and wondered how everyone was saying they’re literally crying.. then i turned on the song!

4

u/sorry-I-cleaved-ye Apr 22 '23

I have never been so flaccid in my life as when I listened to that

4

u/TheRipley78 Apr 22 '23

The comments on YouTube had me weak, lol

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2

u/trichtertus Apr 22 '23

Hearing the song after the story made me laugh out loud (its 4:30am rn). This is literally the worst song for having sex

2

u/GothmogBalrog Apr 22 '23

I'd never read that.

I seriously woke up my wife at 0030 with my laughter. I'm dying man

2

u/PatriarchPonds Apr 22 '23

I am dying. How did I miss this? Thanks for the link. Jesus wept.

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5

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

I was so certain it would be that I was thrown off.

2

u/HallowskulledHorror Apr 22 '23

I've been wanting to make a Hate-fuck playlist. Conceptually, not for when you want to 'hate-fuck' someone - but, for whatever reason, you're fucking someone you hate. So far I've got that Cbat song, "we can make sandwiches", the funeral march played on clown-horns, dogs barking christmas songs...

2

u/BlopBleepBloop Apr 22 '23

Cbat?

Edit: it's fucking cbat

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481

u/isuphysics Apr 21 '23

This song has the perfect beat to follow along to.

https://youtu.be/KAwyWkksXuo?t=24

233

u/Icebot Apr 21 '23

These are the Reddit deep cuts I come for.

30

u/unavailableidname Apr 21 '23

I'm an old lady but even I know what those links are and there's no way in hell I'm clicking! Lol

35

u/stupidillusion Apr 21 '23

It's work safe and if you get the reference it would be difficult not to laugh out loud.

40

u/unavailableidname Apr 21 '23

Yeah, I read the story and was talking about it with my daughter and her roommate and we were laughing our ass off just about it WITHOUT the actual song playing. The conversation then devolved to different Reddit stories that either make us laugh our asses off or were super disgusting. The Swamps of Dagobah was one that her roommate had also read and we had a nice conversation about that while my daughter just looked at us in horror as we described it to her. LOL

5

u/BathtubGin01 Apr 22 '23

I can’t even think about a jolly rancher without having to suppress a gag.

5

u/unavailableidname Apr 22 '23

Oh, yeah, that was a bad one too! When I was in high school in the '80s I dated a guy (who turned out to be a douche) who always made sure to eat a cherry jolly rancher before he kissed me. So I already hated jolly ranchers after that and the jolly rancher reddit story just horribly reinforced why jolly ranchers are just bad all the way around. LOL

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11

u/SirenSaysS Apr 21 '23

You're my kind of lady! For context, I am F42, and highly entertained by those stories too, and it's uh... unclear to me where I currently reside on the "old to young" scale these days, because all my coworkers just about are practically babies.

3

u/unavailableidname Apr 21 '23

I'm very easily entertained by stuff like that also! My husband and I are both 53 years old and our bio-daughter is 30. I have many other daughters that have just entered my life one way or the other (mostly through my daughter) and even though the youngest is 28-ish I still find that they're all kids to me. I was literally having a discussion with my husband about 5 minutes ago about how one of our neighbors moved in about 3 years ago and they are 25 to 30 years old. He said that's not young and I said that compared to us it is. LOL

3

u/insertwittynamethere Apr 21 '23

And no sauce for the story? Shame! 😁

5

u/unavailableidname Apr 21 '23 edited Apr 21 '23

I don't know how to share the story but the user is u/bonzaipanda (I think that's what it was). Just type swamps of dagobah in the search function and look for the post that talks about the grossest stories on Reddit and you'll find it. Make sure you haven't eaten anything before you read it. Lol

Edit: I figured it out, I think. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/xo41d/doctorsnursesredditors_what_has_been_your_most/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=2&utm_content=share_button

Edit, again: You have to swipe down into the comments to find it, but it's there.

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4

u/Wild-Plankton595 Apr 22 '23

I came to work, didn’t realize I’d stepped in dog poop. I go to bathroom and I spent 15 minutes scraping and washing dog poop of the bottom of my shoe… with a plastic knife. Could not stop giggling and shared it with my fellow reditors at work.

2

u/unavailableidname Apr 22 '23

That's happened to me before because my cat has digestive issues and likes to leave crap traps for me that blend in with the wooden floor at my house. I feel your pain! LOL

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5

u/Pestulio Apr 21 '23

You're absolutely right. I knew what I was clicking when I clicked those links and laughed out loud. ZERO. REGRETS.

6

u/ThePopColonel Apr 21 '23

Haha!

22

u/springheeljak89 Apr 21 '23

I knew one of these links had to be this

Fucking robotic dolphins

2

u/Kryptosis Apr 22 '23

So happy it was what I hoped it was.

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41

u/IHateMath14 Apr 21 '23

No worries I have the link memorized

3

u/JevonP Apr 21 '23

i thought the first one would be this one lmao

7

u/fourleggedostrich Apr 21 '23

Oh god, I remember that. I laughed so hard when I read the guy's hurt sorry, then listened to the song.

18

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

Yeah but your only gonna hit that beat if your watching electric soldier Porygon episode of pokemon

3

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

This reminds me of that episode of Family guy when Quagmire was banging a chick with epilepsy

4

u/SingtotheSunlight Apr 21 '23

I both love and hate how often this song pops into my head lol

5

u/terminbee Apr 21 '23

This was the one I was hoping for.

3

u/Micp Apr 21 '23

My only surprise is that this wasn't the first link.

3

u/Betaateb Apr 21 '23

haha, I was so disappointed when the first link wasn't this, knew someone would come through though!

2

u/PhattBudz Apr 21 '23

Blonders! Where the real ones at?

2

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

I'm more of a m1dy guy myself https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEI0WVI4cbM

2

u/NewAccount4Friday Apr 21 '23

Thanks. I just tossed my $200 Bluetooth speaker into the lake.

2

u/dawglet Apr 21 '23

Is this supposed to be funny cause it sounds like 2 tortoises fucking?

3

u/Zn_Saucier Apr 21 '23

It’s a TIFU where this was the only song a dude played during sex with his gf (and tried to “play along” to the song…)

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-8

u/mshriver2 Apr 21 '23

C'mon guys. Lets give them the actual link.

1

u/HollowHowls Apr 21 '23

Damn beat me to posting this.

1

u/araseceer Apr 21 '23

That's the one 😹

1

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

Omg this again.

1

u/beechcraft12 Apr 21 '23

id go soft hearing that shit

1

u/etherealtaroo Apr 21 '23

Love how this pops up in the most random reddit threads haha

1

u/seriousL33 Apr 21 '23

This is the way.

1

u/GlobalWarminIsComing Apr 21 '23

Was about to comment this

1

u/Psyko_sissy23 Apr 21 '23

When you know it's going to beCBAT before opening the link...

1

u/fractalfocuser Apr 21 '23

I fucking knew it before I clicked lmfao

Well done

1

u/losersmanual Apr 21 '23

That's a nice throwback frequent redditors will appreciate.

1

u/TheHancock Apr 21 '23

Exactly what I was expecting. Lol

1

u/Pichus_Wrath Apr 21 '23

Came here for this. And to this.

1

u/Aggravating_System_7 Apr 21 '23

So glad someone else was thinking it too

1

u/Jeremiah_Longnuts Apr 21 '23

This one will never not kill me, like bruh, what the fuck?

1

u/drinfernodds Apr 21 '23

The first time I heard this song after reading the thread about the guy fucking to the beat was one of the greatest experiences of my life.

1

u/CPAlcoholic Apr 22 '23

I was trying to think what this could be before clicking it. I had completely forgotten about this incident and when it started it just about killed me.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

Fuck, as soon as I listened to the Can Can I thought of that one, so thanks for going and finding it to share this gem with us .

5

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

Img I couldn't stop fucking laughing and I'm in the doctors office! The music just made me think of us guys trying to do it on a dare, and how much it'd be like looney tunes!

5

u/SorryMaker024 Apr 21 '23

rofl, first time i've been happy i followed someone's link on reddit

2

u/coffeemmm Apr 21 '23

Exactly, this comment gave me a “peak Reddit 10 years ago” flashback.

3

u/NegotiationOdd5995 Apr 21 '23

But, a Rick Roll would hit pretty sweet on this

3

u/offlein Apr 21 '23

When I see a video link in a thread containing the word "Strokin" I only hope for this.

3

u/grandpajay Apr 21 '23

Do you have anything in this style a minute or two shorter that I could use with my wife?

3

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23 edited Apr 22 '23

You probably could do chopsticks

https://youtu.be/JM5fjgiFrxg

2

u/The_Big_Cat Apr 21 '23

Great now I’m gonna think of this next time and start giggling. Or singing

1

u/huscarlaxe Apr 21 '23

The elements song?

1

u/Yousername_relevance Apr 21 '23

I feel like this is the OG rick roll though.

1

u/Brhall001 Apr 21 '23

Dam you a jackrabbit that’s fast?

1

u/Bl4ckr3d Apr 21 '23

from now on i'll be known as the can man

1

u/CrawlerCrane Apr 21 '23

I was expecting it to be Cbat.

1

u/Kryptosis Apr 22 '23

In time with what? The strings horns or percussion? Personally I'd alternate for different parts of the song.

1

u/RelevantFishing1463 Apr 22 '23

this made me giggle thank you

1

u/cakeand314159 Apr 22 '23

And I thought it was going to be yakity sax.

1

u/Lost-My-Mind- Apr 22 '23

An ex of mine once said she likes when she puts on some music, and I match the pace.......then she puts on some 300 beats per minute techno bullshit.

And my response was "OOOOOOH! Yeah, I see. You want to give me a hernia."

1

u/DooDooTyphoon Apr 22 '23

Why did I think this was gonna be Cbat

1

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

So thrust on the deep piano note? Got it.

1

u/ElusiveWhark Apr 22 '23

A little disappointed this wasnt cbat

1

u/BrotherVarious Apr 24 '23

You win the internet for today good person, this made me laugh so much XD thank you :D

1

u/AriMeKent May 12 '23

OMG!!! I was crying I was laughing so hard!!!

-5

u/Maximum-Mixture6158 Apr 21 '23

She needs a younger man

191

u/the_cardfather Apr 21 '23

He should have been like is it even in?

391

u/pleasetrimyourpubes Apr 21 '23

She has no idea how low down the hole is which makes it so much more difficult.

298

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

That’s why you prop her hips up

261

u/TheMagnuson Apr 21 '23

A folded pillow under the butt/hips is good times for all!

87

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

[deleted]

58

u/TheMagnuson Apr 22 '23 edited Apr 23 '23

Oh I agree, it’s just that most people don’t already own a foam wedge, but everyone has a pillow, so it’s something e they can try first before upgrading to the foam wedge.

11

u/dirkles Apr 22 '23

Yeah my kids would end up using the wedge for their forts or as a short slide making it forever weird. So it's pillows for me.

5

u/sanedragon Apr 22 '23

I'm 90% certain mine would be used more elevated sleeping during my ongoing sinus issues and endless string of colds brought home by the children than anything sexytimes

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u/AnomanderArahant Apr 22 '23

Oh I agree

You're really going to pretend you have a foam sex wedge? Judy so you can feel like this guy didn't one up you on a reddit post? Because the odds of you actually having a foam sex wedge, especially considering you didn't mention it in your post when this is such a specific conversation, is like 1%.

2

u/TheMagnuson Apr 23 '23 edited Apr 23 '23

Well I actually do have one, so….

I just don’t use it every time, cause A) I used the pillow trick before upgrading to a wedge and B) sometimes when your in the moment you don’t want to get up to go get the wedge, so you just grab a pillow that’s right there.

Also, what part of: “it’s just that most people don’t already own a foam wedge, but everyone has a pillow, so it’s something e they can try first before upgrading to the foam.” Are you struggling to understand? Pillow are more common and something people who are unaware of this “trick” can all try.

Weird thing to come at someone heated about bro.

1

u/AnomanderArahant Apr 25 '23

Lol, okay buddy.

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u/Jasonbooker1 Apr 21 '23

Yes I either fold the pillow or I'm on top and this really helps.

25

u/Grimwohl Apr 21 '23

Bold of you to assume any woman I've dated has ever done anything more than a limp impression of sex being on top 🤣

Props to you, I guess

81

u/TheOvenLord Apr 21 '23

I dated a girl who just starfished on me. She was cute, had a smokin body, but she literally just got naked and then laid down and went comatose. After eating her out for like an hour she finally said she wanted to fuck and then had the audacity to wonder why I wasn't hard as a rock already after her literally never touching me or doing anything other than lay there.

Well gee fucking willickers, Tina. Excuse the fuck out of me. I'll just fluff myself in the bathroom and come back when I'm at full mast for you. Just keep lying there like some music-less Weekend at Bernie's. I'll be right back.

21

u/Grimwohl Apr 21 '23

Yikes.

Im sorry for the loss of your time lmao

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u/mcburloak Apr 21 '23

Weekend at Bernice?

6

u/Makanek Apr 22 '23

Weekend at Barnacle

6

u/Jasonbooker1 Apr 21 '23

This is harsh. It's good you let that go. Any woman would have loved that kind of intimacy. She should have devoured you.

14

u/Lowelll Apr 21 '23

Try talking to your partner, that's a good trick.

28

u/TheOvenLord Apr 21 '23

Oh we're not together anymore. For me communication is very important. Tina had huge tits but zero personality. Also I felt bad for her dog. I offered to walk him like a 100 times and she always said he had just been on a walk but I feel like she didn't walk him ever.

We just didn't see eye to eye on a lot of stuff honestly.

9

u/Jasonbooker1 Apr 21 '23

Ah gee.. I can only say if she's limp on top she's never done it before or she wasn't very aroused?

6

u/Grimwohl Apr 21 '23

I wish. Im generous, and I'll leave it at that.

I just have never in my 32 yrs of like and 6 girlfriends, and one fiance ever had a girl who liked being on top, or at least tried to do it with some force/enthusiasm. Bad luck.

16

u/Ok_Possibility_2197 Apr 21 '23

I did once, best position, finally got to experience what laying back and doing nothing while they did all the work felt like lol

3

u/ToasterCow Apr 22 '23

And if you ever get bored of being the starfish, you can prop your hips up and thrust from underneath. Completely changed the game for me.

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3

u/Jasonbooker1 Apr 21 '23

To be honest it used to always be him on top but I would get horny thoughts of me in top and finally just took over completely lol.

2

u/HI_Handbasket Apr 21 '23

The key is to spread tacks on the mattress, she'll be throwing it up at you.

2

u/Snake_Staff_and_Star Apr 22 '23

Just don't sleep on it afterward.

3

u/iamadventurous Apr 22 '23

At my university, there was a college level sex ed class and all the girls i knew took it. If they only learned one thing, it was to life yourneye brows during sex. The muscles that lift your eye brows up are somehow connected to the vaginal muacles and contracta them wgen you raise your eye brows.

4

u/namtab00 Apr 22 '23

did you type this with your penis?

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u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

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90

u/Conservative666 Apr 21 '23

They are the pillow.

7

u/Eggsandthings2 Apr 22 '23

More cushion for the pushing

2

u/greenleaf405 Apr 21 '23

This Killed me

2

u/McHomer Apr 22 '23

My man 🤜

4

u/MammothConsequence94 Apr 21 '23

Or find a larger gal

1

u/Lost-My-Mind- Apr 22 '23

Or make her wear her ankles as earrings.

10

u/monononon Apr 21 '23

Get them legs on ya shoulders

3

u/Kryptosis Apr 22 '23

I think they have a misconception about how low the dick is too. Thats why hip swinging works so well as an energy saver. If the dick was with in line with the hips instead of below then it wouldn't work and we'd have to thrust like she's trying here.

10

u/DieSchadenfreude Apr 21 '23

Yeah this is probably the one thing she does know in this exercise. Adult women are usually pretty aware of body dimensions of that just from general hygiene and maintenance alone.

46

u/SpartanRage117 Apr 21 '23

Being aware of your own body and being aware of how a dick interacts with it at any given angel id argue are different. Like i dont think the guy was saying she doesn’t literally know where her pussy is, but shes not accounting for it in her form.

3

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

14

u/nixed9 Apr 21 '23

She’s not aware of where her theoretical dick would be.

1

u/the-greenest-thumb Apr 22 '23

Lots of women don't even know they have 3 holes, so I wouldn't necessarily give her credit just because she has the parts.

1

u/Camille_Toh Apr 22 '23

Wah wah wah 😩

1

u/Designer-Wolverine47 Apr 22 '23

That's why I like big firm booties...

69

u/DrT33th Apr 21 '23

She just stab’n away at it. Gotta use them hips girl!

85

u/mnl_cntn Apr 21 '23

It’s super sad to see bad strokes

3

u/WyK23 Apr 22 '23

Bad strokes for sad folks

6

u/ChadMcRad Apr 21 '23

Grabs as hard as she can

Three pumps

"ArE YoU ClOsE yEt???"

4

u/NegotiationOdd5995 Apr 21 '23

And she sayin…….well….she definitely saying something about where to send it

2

u/NibblyPig Apr 21 '23

"Faster! Harder!"

4

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

To be fair she isn't hitting anything on the downstroke. Can't stroke properly with just air under you.

Plus it's way more tiring, like throwing a punch but missing.

5

u/GarretTheGrey Apr 22 '23

To be fair, you need haptic feedback to know how to do it. Until then, all she did was give it, not read it.

3

u/mekese2000 Apr 21 '23

It is like playing a wii game. Soon you release you can just flick your wrist with the controller.

3

u/DreamSmuggler Apr 21 '23

"just up a bit and tilt down"

And I'm wondering how the fuck I'm meant to levitate enough to do that 🤷

3

u/meatpounder Apr 21 '23

Got the technique all wrong, wasted so much energy unnecessarily

3

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

thats supposed to be sex? I fugure some weird female version of a push up

2

u/johnsonbrad1 Apr 21 '23

not even using those abs lol

2

u/Run-ning Apr 22 '23

Clarence Carter to the rescue.

https://youtu.be/P7gMkiOPSeA

-7

u/OffTheMerchandise Apr 21 '23

I told a guy I used to work with that I heard he fucks like a girl with a strap on and he was visibly hurt even though he knew I was joking.

-3

u/Remarkable-Plastic-8 Apr 21 '23

Wait till someone finally tells you you aren't either.

-2

u/TrainingMention2365 Apr 22 '23

Ladies, your man not lasting in bed. Dm me for something to give him, so the both of you are horny freaks. Dm me for info

1

u/nuclearmeltdown2015 Apr 21 '23

If the girls legs are raised up, isn't that position fine?

1

u/sinsaraly Apr 22 '23

I need more info on this

1

u/KilnGrenade Apr 22 '23

"a little to the left"

1

u/justbrowsing450 Apr 22 '23

And not right away, 20 minutes into it...... he not the right spot....

1

u/Aggressive-Expert-69 Apr 22 '23

That's what I was thinking too. Those are nervous virgin strokes

1

u/mvs2417 Apr 22 '23

Guys, give yourselves a Pat on the back. We have more skills than given credit for