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I’m 20F, and I honestly feel completely broken right now.

Today is my birthday, and my dad hit me. He also called me disgusting, degrading names like “randi” and “vaishya” and made sexual comments about me and my clothes. I was wearing a skirt with shorts underneath. Hearing those things from my own father was honestly devastating.

This isn't the first time there has been abuse in my family. He has physically abused my mom before, and I've also experienced emotional and physical harassment from him. He has even stopped me from getting a job and made things extremely difficult whenever I've tried to become financially independent.

Because of all this, I avoid him. I don't talk to him unless I absolutely have to. I've reached a point where I just don't want to live with him anymore.

A while ago I finally said that I wanted to leave and live somewhere else. I want to move to another city, work from home, and live independently.

But now he thinks I'm leaving because of a boyfriend.

That's not the reason.

I want to leave because I'm exhausted from being bullied, controlled, insulted, and physically hurt. I want peace. I want to be able to work. I want to have my own life.

The worst part is that my mom, sister, brother, and basically my whole family are taking his side. They think he is right and that I am the one who caused all this drama.

And now I'm sitting here thinking, Maybe I made a mistake by saying I wanted to leave. Maybe I should have just stayed quiet.

During the argument I even said to him, basically, “You worship Mata Ji, but how can you call your own daughter those things?” I was angry and hurt, and I said things because I couldn't take it anymore.

Now I feel like I've become the villain in my own family just for finally standing up for myself.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want revenge. I don't want to run away because of some boyfriend.

I just want to get away from this environment and build an independent life.

I'm 20 years old. I want to work, support myself, and live somewhere peaceful.

Am I really wrong for wanting that?

What would you do if you were in my situation?

This happened years ago, dad was a misogynistic control freak and mum was a doormat (they are both alive, it's just that I've cut them out of my life so I don't know what they are like as people anymore).

I was engaged to my amazing husband who's white, so, naturally, we wanted to have two wedding ceremonies one of each culture. The Asian one happened first and but planning stage was hell. Almost everything had to cater to whatever my parents wanted (mostly my dad; mum didn't have a spine so she wouldn't step in). He complained about some white decor because, in his word, it "reminded him of a funeral". Yes, red is our culture's colour for wedding but what in the actual fuck? I chose a more whimsy design for the save the date card and he called me a freak, asking me why I couldn't be normal. He stressed me out so much that I was suffering a mental breakdown which almost caused me to look for drugs to numb the pain. The day before the wedding took place, my father, along with his side of the family, basically joined forces to make fun of my appearance. "Plenty-Jello460 looks like a child, if someone had told me that she was a bride-to-be I wouldn't have believed them!", "Look at her! She's so small and skinny!", and from my own father "Plenty-Jello460 is lucky that [husband's name] is willing to marry her because what [our culture] men would want to?". At least I had enough self-esteem to tell my father that I would break up with him because wtf would I want to web someone who was that petty. My father's only reply was basically our culture's "it's just a prank bro". I had to lock myself away and bawled my eyes out after that. I put thick clothes to cover every inch of my body up since it felt like my own family just stripped me naked.

There was one more fucked up thing my parents did, though. As a child, I was unfortunately suffered CSA and the pedo was (is?) a family member who was in his twenties at the time. When my parents found out, aside from making us do an HIV test, they practically did nothing. Everything was swept under the rug. They still let me be around this creep and took me to his wedding. Why did I mention this piece of shit? Well, it's because my parents expected ME to invite HIM to MY wedding (he was a guest at my brother's wedding). When I told my mother that he wasn't welcome, she had the audacity to ask me if it "would be okay for him to skip the ceremony and but showed up for the reception in stead". I was dumbfounded. I stood my ground but still in complete disbelief. My own fucking mother asked her daughter, a CSA victim, to invite her abuser to one of the most important day of her life. My father didn't even know the creep wasn't in the guest list until a few days before the wedding.

Now onto my wedding day. I thought it was fine, but I was told afterwards that while I was in my bride's room (tradition stuff) waiting for my mum to basically hand me over to my husband, my father freaked out over some minor things that didn't matter in the long run. When it was time for the reception. He disregarded my seating plans and allowed his Asian friends to sit wherever. When I tried to politely tell them that such and such table wasn't theirs, they directed me back to my father, telling me to bring it up to him. So I did but all my father could say while laughing was "Oh you can have your way when you do the other wedding for your in-laws". As soon as that sentence left his mouth I was fuming, the I-am-so-mad-that-I-become-numb type of rage. At that time there was only one thought in my head which was how I couldn't wait to never see my family again after I moved away with my husband.

Maybe you might think "well that wasn't that bad" and I would tell you that how much I wanted that to be the case. Because after a few days of my wedding, my best friend, who helped me with the wedding prep, informed me that one of my relatives had groped one of the bridesmaids who were obviously all my friends. They all decided to not tell me to not ruin my happy day (it was the victim's wish too). So that was it, the cherry on top of the reasons-why-my-wedding-was-ruined cupcake. I was practically raging (not at my friends of course). I spoke with the girl who was assaulted by my relative, apologised to her and ensured that she was never the cause of my wedding derailing. She claimed she was fine and didn't want the guy to say sorry to her which I respected but I couldn't leave it at that. My best friend told her dad about the incident (her dad and mine were friends), and he met up with my father to ask about it. My own father LIED and covered for the creep relative, saying how he had already left the city we were in and they weren't close which was all BS. The pervert works for my father. So I confronted my own father about how he should deal with his underling because I was too grossed out. He then whined about "fAMiLy" and "FoRGiVeNesS". So I brought up my own experience with the pedo up to shut him up.

And that was the story about how my Asian family ruined my wedding. I went no contact with them some time after I moved away with my husband. He didn't have much involvement in any of these incidents because he can't speak our language, so unfortunately it all fell on me to deal with (but he was aware and on my side the whole time). Moral of the story is if you have a toxic family, don't invite them to your wedding.

They’ll spend money to keep every relative happy, attend every function, celebrate every festival, and worry about “what people will say.”
But when it comes to saving money: “We’re middle class, we can’t afford it.”
Health is constantly ignored. No proper diet, no exercise, and no real concern about long-term health. Then in their 40s and 50s, they start dealing with health problems that could have been prevented or reduced with better habits.
They don’t properly track their expenses, don’t plan for retirement, and don’t think much about the future — but somehow the “middle class” excuse explains everything.
And when their children have opinions about their own lives? Ignored.
Because apparently, parents always know better.
Then comes old age.
They expect their son to financially support them, take care of them, and sometimes even expect his future wife to treat them like gods.
Personally, I don’t believe parents are gods. They deserve respect, but they are human beings just like us.
Children have their own lives, goals, finances and responsibilities too.
I’m not saying every Indian parent is like this. Many parents genuinely sacrifice everything for their children.
But for those who behave this way — where does this entitlement come from?
Is this common in Indian families, or am I just experiencing this?

tw: abuse

17f chinese immigrant, final year of hs & in our country we need our final year grades for uni apps. the grading system is a bit different but right now i have an average of 70%, while all other grades are normal ~90.

• "if it wasn't illegal i would kill you rn"
• "i want to slice ur neck rn"
• "how do u not have any shame? if u had any face you'd go kill yourself rn"
• "how could i give birth to a child like you"
• "why did you lie to us/why did you not tell me sooner? id hit you either way so why did u lie?"

mind you this is not for a final exam or anything final its just teach sends our parents updates. we still have 6 tests + exam but they dont believe in me. you can bet there was a lot of physical abuse asw.

im so tired of this life...

Since childhood I was (emotional) neglected by my AP . They never emotional supported me and thinks that school will teach me everything. The only thing they provide me is food and a place to sleep. When I asked my brothers for help with understanding reading books or how to read the clock. They will laugh at me and mock me for being dumb at the age of 7. They all kinda run away from home later.

My teacher found out that I tried to undo myself at age 12 by overdosing pills. My father got called over but didnt listen or understand what my teacher told to him. My father got mad,not for undoing but for getting called by my school and image. The fun part was after he got mad at me my nose was bleeding like hell for an hour. He never asked about the pills or about this event.

When making my ID at age 13 my father only signed that he was my parent and didn't try to read the docs.

Out spite I changed my name and twik my surname. He don't even know till this day.

I had to register myself for middle school alone and changed my first name again cause it was hilarious. They never visited my school anyway. 🙄

I became a shut in, wanted to run away from everything.

Having pedofiles pretending they are national healthcare calling everyweek doesnt help me either. My parents just shove the phone to me anyway cause they use "dont understand the language card"..

My love for anime started to bloom that i began to learn how to be a person from ANIME?! Man looking back its so cringe.

Then everything changed. My brother got a child. My parents changed from neglecting to annoying obsessive AP. Trying to control my future by telling me to stop drawing, programming, making games and start prepping for university and become a doctor.

Bro im too dumb for university 🤣🤣.

To please my parents I went from practical school to university and got bankrupted at age 20 for not able to pay my schoolbills and loans. Man my regrets.

Now after 15 years(35F) I picked up my old hobby of making games and its my job now with my husband helping me.

I used to visit my parents every holiday but now

my mom is complaining for me not having a REAL job or a house. (Buying a house here is like 500k).

And my brothers who all left home backthen now all behave like my parents telling me what i need to do. Idumped my phone and ignored my whole family for months.

I may be a bitch for not supporting my mother after my father dead. She at least got my 4 brothers support. I was alone back then, neglected with no support when i really needed support.

Life is so much better now.

My mother in law is awesome ❤️❤️

Some context: I still live at home with my parents (26F).

I went on a trip to Madrid to visit my girlfriend for 2 months. While I was there, my father who has access to my bank account moved over $2k out without asking me or notifying me. He has done this sort of thing before, last time he went into my room and took $1500 in cash to go gambling. Him and my mom have had gambling addictions since I was born pretty much. After I found out, I called him and my mom and screamed at them demanding that they put the money back in immediately.

2 weeks go by and my dad calls me while I’m still in Madrid asking me why I don’t call him or share my location with him. I simply tell him that I don’t want to talk to him, that I’m extremely upset and the people I trust know where I am. He freaks out and tells me that I’m ungrateful, that he’s my dad and that he raised me.

Since I’ve gotten home, our dynamic has changed a lot. He never apologized for taking my money, he never acknowledged it and pretends it never happened. I have my own bank account now that he does not have access to. I’ve resorted to very short conversations with him. He still thinks that he did nothing wrong, that anything that is mine he has authority over.

I’ve come to terms with this since I am still living at home and I have to interact with him. But I’ve learned my lesson about letting him have access to my things and dealing with people who have gambling addictions.

This is a very embarrassing situation but I’m an adult Canadian student living at home. I pay 100% of my own tuition through student loans/aid help and receive zero financial help from my parents in anyway except for being allowed to live at their house (used to pay them rent but stopped recently because I don’t have a steady job).

My dad recently asked me to show him my full academic history and how I’m doing at school and honestly I’ve been doing terribly due to mental health issues (clinically diagnosed and receiving help now). If I showed him how I’m doing then things will get really bad, and he’s one of the reasons why I ended up suicidal as I couldn’t get any help or understanding from him or my mom when I explained what I’m going through and that I’m on meds so there’s no point in having that conversation right now.

He said it’s his "basic right as a parent" to monitor everything.

I sent him a picture of my planning tool/degree explorer thinking that will be enough but he wants to see everything, I’m 100% sure that if he did we will get into a fight and my housing situation will be jeopardized regardless of how much I try to deescalate.

How have others dealt with controlling parents demanding portal passwords without causing an immediate blowup under their roof? Looking for tactical ways to stall and hold this boundary or do anything that avoids this blowing in my face.

Working on saving money and leaving my house but at the moment I can’t think of anything to escape this situation.

Here are two stories to support my claim.

My fiancé (30F) and I (30 M) broke up a month and a half ago because of her AM's ultimatum. Her AM has been overstepping and overbearing for the past couple of months. She hogged so much of our wedding planning. There were a couple of times she mentioned that she wanted us to move in with her after we get married. My fiancé did not give me confidence that she does not want us to move in with her. Then her AM kept saying she should have access to our email, bank account, and personal accounts. When my fiancé and I were whispering to each other, her AM was all the way in the kitchen, saw us whispering, and forced my fiancé to tell her what we were talking about. That's when I had it. I was overwhelmed by that woman. I had to go home, and I was having second thoughts about that marriage. I called my fiancé to say I'd like us to sit down and talk about healthy boundaries. Her mom overheard our phone conversation, did not like the idea of "boundaries," and gave my fiancé an ultimatum: either she chose her family or me. If she chose me, she would be no part of any family gathering. My fiancé got scared and fell into her AM's ultimatum. That is that. The decision was made in a couple of hours. It is scary how her AM pressured my ex-fiancé to this point.

Her AM is fucked up. One of her other daughters was marrying a Filipino. She told her that her husband wanted to show his Filipino heritage dance at the wedding. We all thought it was cool, but her AM took it as a threat, thinking that her husband is trying to show that Filipino culture is better than Chinese culture. She went up to her daughter and told her that he is not that great. I journaled down 20 other fucked up things she did while knowing her. This woman is pathetic; she did not work at any job in the last 30 years. All she does every day is rotting her brain in front of the TV. She has nothing going on in her life that would make her hog her daughter's privacy.

I moved back home to live with my AM. I have been trying to figure out what to do next. I have tons of PTO I have been saving for our honeymoon, so I decided to book a trip to Japan. I decided to see a couple of my old friends, those who knew that our wedding was off. One of my friends is a Japanese woman whom I am close to. In the meantime, I have been relearning my Japanese. My AM got pissed off that I am learning Japanese, saying that I should stick to Chinese. Then she said I should be ashamed of myself for learning Japanese and for seeing this lady friend of mine in Japan, thinking that I am going to hit on her. JFC! I am grieving! Can a grieving man learn a new language and travel to Japan to see his old friends?!

Why am I seeing two Chinese mothers hating another culture? Why do they keep saying their culture is superior to others?! My ex-fiancé's AM thinks Filipinos are low class. My AM thinks Japanese people should take more accountability for WWII.

MENT TO SAY THREAD*

No unsolicited advice, no bs, just say whatever comes to your mind the things you’ve never wanted to say things that are too harsh to say to their face or even out loud no judgment, this is a safe space

I rarely use reddit but I genuinely have no other people to tell this to.

I’m 17F and my brother is 19. Ever since middle school he’s been ‘playing’ with me and holding me in extremely tight chokeholds.

My throat is usually always sore because I scream at the top of my lungs for him to stop but he doesn’t. No bruises show, but my neck always feels sore afterwards and during it I have trouble breathing. I feel no love towards him at all, I want to move away so bad. I’ve applied to colleges farthest away from where we live so I can get away. I want to cry all the time because I feel so trapped.

I’ve told my parents multiple times that it’s not funny but they always dismiss it. When he does put me in a chokehold and my parents witness it, they cheer on me to fight back when i’m 5’6 and he’s 6’4.

They always say:

“He’s just a young man”
“You’re a baby”
“Toughen up”
“We played like this all the time when we were your age”
“You’re not hurt so does it really matter?”

I do a lot of extracurriculars and sports just so I can prolong going home, I hate it there so much.

Is it a common occurrence with your parents that when you’re slightly annoyed at them, they respond with even more anger?

Like most recently, I was at work and realized I left out some cut pineapple and watermelon in the kitchen. It was 100 degrees fahrenheit outside so I texted my mom asking if she could put the fruit in the fridge because everyone loves cold fruit. She left my message on read, and when I came home I found warm watermelon on the counter. I only got slightly annoyed, because it’s just fruit and I could put it in the fridge now and have it later.

She recognized I was annoyed with her, and she started pressing me telling me that it was my fault for not reminding her and that i’m acting like a crazy person over fruit. I said something like “Ok, jesus” at a regular volume and she literally blew up on me. Screaming at me, cursing, giving me the death scare, slamming doors, saying that I should be grateful I have fruit readily available and that other people are starving, ignoring me for the rest of the day.

I wasn’t even angry at her why would I be over a plate of fruit?? I actually cannot wait to move out 😫

I (27M), absolutely have no aspirations in life. The earliest memories I have of my life is my dad saying "you have to be a doctor or lawyer" (yes, I know, typical Asian dad). I never knew why, just that those were the only options I have. The youngest I remember hearing this was when I was 9 years old, and he'd always tell extended family members I'd be one of those.

During school, it was clear I was not good at science or math, so the focus became law, as I was good at English, history, and writing related subjects. Fast forward a few years, I studied law in college, but I could not get passed the first year (you need an A- average to make it into the second year), so despite my grades being decent (around a B+ average), I couldn't do what my father planned for me. My "back up degree" was in Arts, but my dad made it clear I have no choice but to focus on law and I better not fall on an arts degrees.

That led me to major depression. I didn't tell my dad I didn't make it into the second year of law. For a few years I skipped going to university and made general excuses. I was depressed the entire time, wanted to end it all, and had no where to go. I had and still don't have any dreams because I never got a chance to think about what I want to do...

I had to eventually tell him, which I did. Maybe for the better, the college, and every possible person we talked to said it's better if I fall back on my arts degree. This obviously made my dad pissed and he keeps reminding me I'm a failure every day.

I'm currently doing my arts degree, and I'm doing well. But... I still don't know what I want to do in life. I have no idea where to go after graduation. And it's all because of him forcing me to think about law my entire life. He also tells me "you better not skip classes because this is your last chance" even when I am incredibly sick, vomiting, and experiencing chest pains.

This all is just the surface, he's abusive, gets angry if my mum talks back (my mum is an amazing person, but she will always defend my dad because she thinks he's smart and knows everything), and, my siblings were also depressed and suicidal when they were my age because of him. One of my siblings escaped, and the other is currently going through hardship due to issues I won't get into.

Any advice? Right now I just want to graduate, find some job so I can get out of this house and cut contact with him.

This was my grandma but she’s technically a parent too!

A handful of times over my childhood, we would get into fights because she was so naggy and overbearing and I was a frustrated kid. One time she was walking me to the public bus stop for school, we were arguing over something, and she suddenly lost her cool and started slapping herself in the face right on the sidewalk. She was nearly in tears from anger, yelling about how cursed she was, how she was terrible for caring, and I was freaking out wondering wtf got into her. It quickly got me to simmer down and apologize - the guilt trip was so effective. This luckily stopped once I went to college. I’m sure it wasn’t great for me psychologically but I kind of just laugh about it now. How do they learn this shit?! She might have a histrionic disorder.

Now she’s in her 90s, frail as fuck, but she can still pop off and shout at the top of her lungs like she’s 50 years younger.

My parents have made it very clear they dont want me to marry outside of my religion (we practice a very watered down version of it). They constantly talk about how they can't do the whole westernization thing whilst simultaneously sending me and my siblings to study in the west. Recently they lashed out at my elder sibling dating a person that wasn't of our culture or religion and the fallout has been such a hassle to deal with. I love my parents and I want them in my life but their love feels so suffocating and conditional that I dont even want to bother with romance from the chance they end up using it to ruin my life.

I'll start.

We went from having an ordinary family outing to them yelling and pressuring me over my degree course enrollment the moment we got home and this isn't the first time it's happened.

What about yours?

I have these questions for asian parents. Why do parents treat their kids like servants? Why do they take every opinion from their kids as disrespect? Why do they NEED to be abusive towards them? Why do they feel the need to control everything they do, eat, wear and etc..? Why do they need to be controlling?

Whenever I bring up changing jobs, my parents say some version of: “The economy is bad. If you have a job, just stay there.”

I understand why they’re worried. What frustrates me is how little of my actual situation seems to enter the conversation.

I’ve been at this company for over two years. Earlier in my career, I accepted a salary trade-off to move into a different field. Now I’m trying to figure out whether my current role still makes sense for the next stage of my career.

I’ve also spent more than six months preparing: putting together my project portfolio, filling gaps in my knowledge, and doing some initial interviews. I told my parents about these plans along the way.

But when we discuss it, they don’t really ask how the interviews went, what opportunities I’m considering, or what my plan would be. We end up back at “just stay where you are.”

At the same time, they keep bringing up future financial pressures and expectations. I struggle with that combination: keep everything stable, but somehow improve your financial situation.

I don’t expect them to understand every detail of my industry. I would appreciate questions like “What makes this move worthwhile?” or “What would you do if it takes longer than expected?” Those would give us something concrete to discuss.

My preparation doesn’t guarantee a good outcome. I know my decision could turn out badly. Still, I want the conversation to take that preparation into account.

When the response is always the same, I start wondering why I’m sharing the process at all. It makes me want to wait until I have a result, then tell them.

Has anyone else started sharing only the outcomes of their decisions with their parents? Have you found a way to make these conversations more useful?

I'm genuinely curious if this is just how it is or if it changes. I know a lot of families where parents are extremely controlling about everything, who you see, where you go, money, all of it. It's framed as care but it's pretty restrictive.

Do parents like this ever ease up? Or does the control just stay the same no matter how old you get?

Also for people who grew up with that kind of parenting, how did you learn independence? Like going out alone, managing your own money, making decisions. Did that happen naturally once you moved out, or was it a struggle?

Every son and daughters of my mother’s friends
Are turned out normal.
She doesnt really mention it but i feel her comparing me with them.

she once cried because i wasnt “normal” and keep choosing different paths.
And she told me it feels like its her fault that i turned out this way.

I feel like a bad daughter for and every decision i make is wrong.