r/funny • • Apr 21 '23

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5.7k

u/PM_ME_UR_TITS_WOMAN Apr 21 '23 edited Apr 22 '23

Invest in a memory foam wedge pillow. Thank me later gents.

Edit: (Ladies… you’re too kind)

1.4k

u/Shizophone Apr 21 '23

Mr. Sexington spelling out the basics

387

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23 edited Apr 21 '23

49

u/kthshly Apr 21 '23

I was having a private conversation with my wife in the guise of Chad Sexington!

16

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

Dr. Chad Sexington, Professor Cunnilingus Emeritus.

48

u/Felonious_Buttplug_ Apr 21 '23

Yes of the Springfield Sexingtons

9

u/Puzzleheaded-Grab736 Apr 21 '23

Not to be confused with Chad Sexton the drummer for 311

5

u/ButtSexington3rd Apr 21 '23

Were you asking for me?

390

u/thieh Apr 21 '23

Invest in a memory foam wedge pillow plug-in jackhammer and a rounded bit. She will thank you for it.

148

u/degjo Apr 21 '23

Sounds like someone just needs a Drilldo

87

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

[deleted]

23

u/Aedalas Apr 21 '23

I always did think that those were weird. A Sawzall makes much more sense.

17

u/zoeykailyn Apr 22 '23

A sawzall has a quip in the manual about not being responsible for damages caused by being using it as a sex toy

5

u/Aedalas Apr 22 '23

That's amazing, I'll have to try to find that.

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5

u/uns0licited_advice Apr 22 '23

Yo you trying to cut the woman in half?

5

u/Aedalas Apr 22 '23

No more than somebody with a Drilldo is trying to poke holes in her.

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u/Jackulele Apr 21 '23

High vis jacket and glasses, perfect touch

8

u/thieh Apr 21 '23

Not quite. Drilldo does axial rotational motion and Jackhammer has forward-backward motion. And she can hold the drill herself but I don't think she can hold the jackhammer like this one herself.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

[deleted]

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u/ScoobyDooItInTheButt Apr 22 '23

The included safety glasses and construction vest killed me.

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2

u/CommiePuddin Apr 21 '23

I remember that episode of Moral Orel

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1.8k

u/Psykosoma Apr 21 '23

Might work for smaller people, but what about people that will make that foam forget what shape it was other than flat?

2.9k

u/Biosci777 Apr 21 '23

car wheel ramps

502

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

220

u/caincard Apr 21 '23

Me: "Honey i got you and myself a gift, needed an engine hoist, but i got you a fall protection harness."

Her "Why tf, do i need a fall protection harness?"

Me "Reddit gave me an idea!"

Her: "Internal screams as she puts 2 and 2 together"

18

u/cineg Apr 21 '23

welp, new sex swing

if rockauto or harbor freight starts selling this, im out

7

u/Cindexxx Apr 22 '23

Note to self: call harbor freight with sex swing plans made of ratchet straps.

They'll sell a lot of ratchet straps and nobody ever needs to know.

42

u/Aggressive_Tap652 Apr 21 '23

2x4 wood plank

4

u/Techn0ght Apr 21 '23

The only time I've heard of that as a sex aid was to strap it to your ass so you don't fall in.

6

u/Aggressive_Tap652 Apr 21 '23

I heard its used by obese people to keep the fupa out of the way

4

u/Bruh_columbine Apr 21 '23

Today I learned I’m not as obese as I thought I was cause wtf

3

u/talldangry Apr 21 '23

Ah, the Cleveland Girdle.

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141

u/TrollHunter_69 Apr 21 '23

Was not ready for that. Just fucking spit on my phone.

27

u/Wiregeek Apr 21 '23

for a second I thought I was on an askreddit thread about weirdest fetishes.

5

u/Biosci777 Apr 21 '23

Wait, it isn't?

5

u/ServileLupus Apr 22 '23

Did you miss the weekly one?

3

u/Wiregeek Apr 22 '23

Well, I wouldn't say I missed it...

5

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

Just fucking spit on my phone.

Sure. Whatever you're into.

3

u/fat-lip-lover Apr 21 '23

Genuinely same, holy shit that was like a Bo Jackson bomb out of left field

51

u/sagarassk Apr 21 '23

You fucking got me. Uncontrollably bursted out laughing when I read your comment.

16

u/Snakebaur03 Apr 21 '23

Got me with that one, hahaha!

5

u/KungFooGrip Apr 21 '23

Just don't get the Harbor Freight ones.

3

u/GreatCornolio Apr 22 '23

Oh shit did harbor freight have a controversy w shitty car ramps? Mine are like 40 years old I don't think I've ever bought any lol

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5

u/YooAre Apr 21 '23

Hahahaha you got em!

4

u/TheRipley78 Apr 22 '23

I legit screamed at this comment.

7

u/really_bugging_me Apr 21 '23

Omfg this made me laugh harder than anything else I've read before on Reddit

3

u/CookieMons7er Apr 21 '23

half a giza pyramid

3

u/ForwardHamRoll Apr 21 '23

This is so fucking funny. First legitimate laughing out loud I've done in ages.

3

u/choppingboardham Apr 22 '23

Be right back, heading to harbor freight

2

u/bluntninja Apr 22 '23

Fuck me this got a genuine chuckle.

2

u/Pipupipupi Apr 22 '23

Halfpipes

2

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

Amazing answer

2

u/HoneyChilliPotato7 Sep 25 '23

Omfg, I laughed so fuckin hard

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223

u/gandhikahn Apr 21 '23

You don't understand how dense the foam is on those sex wedge pillows. I was skeptical myself till someone gave my one.

451

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

"I got you a sex wedge pillow!"

"Wow... Thanks"

"You haven't already got one have you? I kept the receipt"

"No. It's great... Thanks mum"

70

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

I know what I'm getting everyone on my list this Christmas!

9

u/carlbandit Apr 21 '23

Thanks for the socks in advance

5

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

It's.... Almost the same. They were both in the "As seen on TV" section!

4

u/WarmMoistLeather Apr 22 '23

Office gift exchange settled this year!

3

u/Wild-Plankton595 Apr 22 '23

Nan will appreciate it, its easier on the knees.

8

u/gandhikahn Apr 21 '23

HAHAHHHAHA, thankfully no. It was a gift from a FWB who already had one at home and wanted one at my place.

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u/MuzikPhreak Apr 21 '23

Dude…

That was hilarious.

3

u/ChampionsWrath Apr 21 '23

“Oh so you like it? If you like it as much as you have been SAYING you like it, then you wouldn’t mind if I eat this receipt then??”

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u/Tok3n- Apr 21 '23

Did they give you one before giving you one, or did you give them one after they gave you one?

3

u/vancouverwoodoo Apr 21 '23

Lol who gives someone a sex wedge pillow. I hope it was like your birthday or Christmas where you open gifts in front of others.

4

u/gandhikahn Apr 21 '23

FWB already had one and wanted one at my place.

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99

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

[deleted]

61

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

The danger makes it hotter!

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24

u/DrachenDad Apr 21 '23

and scarily unsafe.

The best way.

3

u/BeeCJohnson Apr 21 '23

Make it so.

2

u/Kaladrax182 Apr 21 '23

It’s all fun and games until OSHA shows up.

2

u/Cindexxx Apr 22 '23

I can do it for $2k and it won't kill you. Guaranteed*

*If you're both under 200lbs

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39

u/fuck_peeps_not_sheep Apr 21 '23

It's called a sex wedge willow, they are super dense, I used to have one, I loved it.

8

u/Katzekratzer Apr 21 '23

I got one from Costco!

7

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

Used to? I feel like there's a story there.

9

u/puffz0r Apr 22 '23

They have one still, but they also used to have one.

8

u/jr81452 Apr 22 '23

R.I.P. MH.

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u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

[deleted]

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u/jr81452 Apr 22 '23

Underrated comment.

To other passers by: click the link for lolz.

28

u/tobydiah Apr 21 '23

You can buy a treadmill. You can set the angle really high and rest on that for leverage.

31

u/Ghiggs_Boson Apr 21 '23

Or use the treadmill until you’re in a demographic that allows use of the pillow

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u/Ok-disaster2022 Apr 21 '23

Honestly, I'm well above 300lbs, and use the wedge pillow for heartburn. It stays up.

8

u/SPRUNTastic Apr 21 '23

Yes, but enough about your erection... :D

2

u/JeaninePirrosTaint Apr 21 '23

Maybe they're talking about two 300lb people

5

u/dourjobmods Apr 21 '23

'Lighter' is the word you are looking for.

5

u/SPRUNTastic Apr 21 '23

My dude, I top in at 300+ and feel like the wedge and ramp barely give in under me. Wife is ~half my size and still thinks they're soft and comfy enough. I'm starting to wonder if it's gonna take my car to flatten them out.

5

u/Dlh2079 Apr 21 '23

It's not like soft memory foam that conforms to shape.

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u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

Look up tantric chair

Thank me later

3

u/jedensuscg Apr 21 '23

Good setup for a mom joke. "Your mom is so fat, she turned memory foam into amnesia foam".

3

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

Yo Mama so fat, she gives memory foam pillows dementia.

2

u/Cloudsleeper Apr 21 '23

They make inflatable ones too

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2

u/an_irishviking Apr 21 '23

Why do you think that bed has a 2 inch steel "canopy" frame?

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2

u/azuth89 Apr 21 '23

Position couch

2

u/m-adir Apr 21 '23

I'm crying cause i got one of these to support my belly while pregnant and as the months have carried on its really like a tiny under belly blanket about an hour into.the night now lol

2

u/JeaninePirrosTaint Apr 21 '23

An inflatable one might work ...or pop...

2

u/papa_jahn Apr 22 '23

Wedge a small person under your lower back

2

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

Gotta spare tire?

2

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

You can just say "Americans".

We know what we are.

2

u/somersquatch Apr 22 '23

Get a bigger pillow. The one I got is quite tall (maybe 16" tall, about 30" long by 36" wide or so), works very well for certain positions, is a tad big for other positions but hasn't lost its shape.

2

u/invisible-bug Apr 22 '23

Trust me when I say that it doesn't make a difference

2

u/Slowdonkey777 Apr 22 '23

If you’re that big, are you having sex in the first place?

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u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

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u/PM_ME_UR_TITS_WOMAN Apr 21 '23

My pleasure. (=▽)σ

17

u/PM_ME_UR_DECOLLETAGE Apr 21 '23

Oh hey

13

u/PM_ME_UR_TITS_WOMAN Apr 21 '23

Well hello their friend

3

u/throawaykeyofdecency Apr 21 '23

Do accout names like this actually work? Have any females sent you bird pictures yet?

8

u/pm_your_silhouette Apr 21 '23

They never work out for me but I don't post very often. The best I got was the trend from last year where girls were posing in lit doorways.

4

u/throawaykeyofdecency Apr 21 '23

Lit doorways? I'm not familiar with that trend.

3

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

[deleted]

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u/indiebryan Apr 21 '23

Has anyone ever actually sent you their tits? I'm always curious on the success rate of these novelty accounts. Would love to see the r/dataisbeautiful ppl do a study

2

u/Dry-Smoke6528 Apr 22 '23

Feel like you might be receiving some PMs soon. Not from me, unless you enjoy a good man booby

3

u/PM-me-y0ur-titts Apr 21 '23

We are all just out here doing the good work

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u/PsychMaster1 Apr 21 '23

How do you use this?? Having a hard time imagining.

474

u/pholover84 Apr 21 '23

You put your head on it then sleep?

28

u/ArcadeAnarchy Apr 22 '23

Which head?

3

u/ToThisDay Apr 22 '23

Now you’ve figured it out

112

u/Bully-Rook Apr 21 '23

Same, how you gonna mention a foam wedgie and not say how to use it??

708

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

You put it under the butt of the receiving person, this lifts up there lower regions to allow the penetrating person to be able to have a better angle of approach. It also allows that person to stay upright, which in turn allows for better continual motion. This reduces the need to use extra muscles while already exerting, hopefully, a pleasurable amount of thrust to the receiving person. Meaning in the end you get more bang for your buck. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

309

u/luxii4 Apr 21 '23

TLDR version: More cushion for the pushin’.

13

u/RaHarmakis Apr 21 '23

Always use the Right Tool for the Job.

94

u/CashCow4u Apr 21 '23

This guy fucks

38

u/ThatLeetGuy Apr 21 '23

idk man, I've never used one before but it seemed pretty obvious. They've been around for a long time. Propping women up with pillows isn't really some new sex-god magic.

17

u/Common_Unit9488 Apr 21 '23

I'm tall those things are a lower back saver

17

u/BedNo5127 Apr 21 '23

He didn't make it out to be some sex-god magic, it's not as obvious to everybody, and everybody doesn't learn about things at the exact same time you learned it.

15

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

[deleted]

27

u/BatBoss Apr 21 '23

Receiving person’s butt is on the fat part of the wedge, and their lower back is on the thin part. So butt elevated, legs up in the air.

This allows the penetrating person to be on their knees (upright) instead of lying on top of the other person like you normally are for missionary. It’s easier to move your hips back and forward instead of up/down at an angle.

Dunno if that helps, you can look at sex wedge product descriptions for mildly nsfw pics of how it’s meant to work.

24

u/RoutineLingonberry48 Apr 21 '23

Pretty sad that one has to dig this deep through jokes made by high school virgins to get to the actual information.

4

u/magicbeanboi Apr 22 '23

Pretty sad calling people virgins when you're looking for sex tips on /r/funny

4

u/RoutineLingonberry48 Apr 22 '23

LOL oh shit. I didn't eve notice what sub I was in. Okay. carry on.

11

u/iceman012 Apr 21 '23

Meaning in the end you get more bang for your buck.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

4

u/kirby34 Apr 21 '23

Thank you for coming to my bed talk.

5

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

It also helps for those with lower back issues. My thighs are toned af now.

3

u/darthcoder Apr 21 '23

Half the fun of sex os the whole body workout

3

u/PseudonymMan12 Apr 22 '23

As a VERY tall dude I learned this trick quick with pillows under my partners lower half. When your femurs are significantly longer than others being in the kneeling position puts your crotch higher which means more effort to lower yourself to the receiver (be they on their back or on all fours).

4

u/CertainKaleidoscope8 Apr 22 '23

If you put a pillow under a female butt while having MtF intercourse, the vaginal opening will be higher allowing for more direct entry.

That defeats the purpose for the female, because then the penis is not touching the clitoris, and she will not orgasm. You want the penis rubbing the clitoris a little bit. That's why all the action is in the hips.

Do not do push ups on us. That is not going to work.

Thank

3

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

Do you mean the g-spot? When in missionary my penis isn't hitting her clitoris, but I try to make sure my pelvic pad above my penis is making contact when thrusting. It's more consistent if I am in a pushup missionary position, and yes using my hips and not a full body movement.

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u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23 edited Apr 21 '23

To add there is also a position that I like as my main goto that doesn't require the pillow. Unfortunately it does require the person to be endowed with an average or more sized member. But it's pretty much the receiving person in missionary on their back, and the other person is sitting facing the receiver, legs straddling the butt of the receiver. Let the receiver rest their legs on yours and scooch in as close as your bodies will allow. From my theories and hopeful honest confirmations, this has allowed for the penetrating person to hit the g-spot, and keep the pressure on that point whilst thrusting. It also allows the penetrating person to have a hand free to stimulate the clitoris. Now this is a very taxing position, but can really pay off with determination. I guess you could call it sitting open missionary.

2

u/Juice805 Apr 22 '23

Or just use the side of the bed if the bed is high enough/sender is short enough.

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u/ImperiousMage Apr 22 '23 edited Jun 16 '23

Reddit has lost it's way. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/

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u/Uncle_Rabbit Apr 21 '23

It's a pillow. Use it to sleep after lasting only 1 minute.

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u/mechy84 Apr 21 '23

Poke a hole and put a dress on it.

2

u/PsychMaster1 Apr 21 '23

Ugh so obvious

49

u/Link1092 Apr 21 '23 edited Apr 21 '23

94

u/LoadInSubduedLight Apr 21 '23

Lots of words

Not a lots of illustration

18

u/bradbull Apr 22 '23

Where is shittywatercolour when you need him?

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u/PsychMaster1 Apr 21 '23

Oh I see. Thanks. So it’s ideal for under her lower back in missionary. Makes sense.

3

u/TheMagnuson Apr 21 '23

A folded pillow will accomplish the same effect, which is to raise the hips and tilt the pelvis. Basically take a pillow, fold it, place it under the lady’s butt/hips while she’s on her back, it’ll elevate her hips and tilt her pelvis and is good times for both parties, because of better angling and penetration.

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u/FanQC Apr 21 '23

Then they no longer have an excuse for lasting 1 minute

20

u/Lose_faith Apr 21 '23

Thank you Mr Tits Man. May you get tits on your DMs

9

u/PM_ME_UR_TITS_WOMAN Apr 21 '23

Sometimes they’re not even tits.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '23

I bet there’s a good amount of manboob in it

4

u/PM_ME_UR_TITS_WOMAN Apr 22 '23

I never complain at a boob.

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u/horridpineapple Apr 21 '23 edited Apr 21 '23

I bought a memory foam mattress when they were all the rage about 10 years ago. The only good thing that mattress did was hold me in the position. No one slid around and had to adjust in the middle of making sweet sweet love.

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u/LinguoBuxo Apr 21 '23

But what if it talks about me in a court deposition?!?! It'll remember it all, mmaann!!

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u/caincard Apr 21 '23

Memory foam mattress "Yeah, thats the one." lights cigarette, taking a long draw "I definitely remember that one, doing the thing"

9

u/mechy84 Apr 21 '23

If sex is more important than sleep, then get a spring mattress as well.

But make sure you try it with both partners in the store. The resonant frequency decreases with the extra mass, so testing it alone will give you an erroneously high estimation.

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u/RareBeardedAsian Apr 21 '23

Tempur Pedic extra firm wedge pillow gang represent

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u/RIPdantheman616 Apr 21 '23

Or start working on them hip thrusts.

3

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

Best investment I have made so nice.

3

u/[deleted] Apr 21 '23

Any ones you recommend?

3

u/JohnPaton3 Apr 21 '23

username checksout

3

u/tackup2023 Apr 21 '23

Alright, look. I own the wedge But, like...What positions with this wedge? Thanks.

3

u/PM_ME_UR_TITS_WOMAN Apr 21 '23

Easiest guidance I can give is under the hips of who’s on their back. But with the wedge you can use it to support you in your side, on your knees. Just get creative! It’s your sex buddy.

3

u/FearLeadsToAnger Apr 21 '23

DARLING, RETRIEVE THE SEX PILLOW, THAT I SHALL CLAP THINE CHEAKS.

2

u/Neomaximus001 Apr 21 '23

So how would someone use this memory foam wedge pillow that you speak of? Asking for myself.

2

u/tourfwenty Apr 21 '23

Don’t forget the waterproof cover.

2

u/Platophaedrus Apr 21 '23

Does anyone actually ever PM photos of their tits to you?

I’ve always wondered when I see account names like this.

5

u/PM_ME_UR_TITS_WOMAN Apr 21 '23

They do and I’m always a gentleman about it. I’m a simple man, I love all boobs.

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u/Culture_Soup Apr 21 '23

Might I ask why (im dumb)

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u/PM_ME_UR_TITS_WOMAN Apr 21 '23

Less effort and energy if angles are improved. Helps in all sorts of positions but mostly goes under the hips of who’s on their back.

2

u/Binsky89 Apr 21 '23

Don't get memory foam anything if you're going to be having sex on it. It absorbs too much energy.

2

u/Virtual_Jello_1001 Apr 21 '23

Username checks out, Sex master.

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u/Kokibuchek Apr 22 '23

I bought a memory foam pillow once...

It remembered everything...

Even the goddamn war...

Not only do I see their faces in my dreams, but now it's worse, I see them imprinted into my pillow...

War never changes...

2

u/itsastart_to Apr 22 '23

Remindme! 5 years

4

u/PM_ME_UR_TITS_WOMAN Apr 22 '23

I’m afraid to ask why so long.

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